I have been very angry at times and have removed him and put him in his room or have removed my self from the situation but nothing has been so much that I needed to harm him physically.
Pardon me while I
I guess I think parenting is a task where you get up everyday and do your best, and as much as I'd love to be perfect, we're all raised by mere mortals, and most of us are ok.
I do wonder why it is that grown-ups feel comfortable hitting children. Aside from the handful of times I've lost it and swatted my kids on the tush, I have not struck another person since I was a kid. I can't imagine hitting an adult. I recently heard a radio show that says apparently some of our most ingrained moral feelings are hard-wired into our brains and something we share with other apes. I have also heard that for some people the strong urge to hit and throw when angry is genetic. I don't have a strong urge to throw and hit when angry, though one of my kids does (got it from dh-- he resists the urge as an adult), and it's interesting to see how she reacts differently from her sister. I really wonder if I have something in me that resists hitting peers and babies, but not children.
These are things I think about to help myself remember I need keep control of my temper.
Homeschooling mom of 2 rambunctious, loving, spectacular boys, wife to an incredible man who has been my best friend on this journey <3
I think your friend was trying to make herself feel better.
No judgment on mamas trying to work their way through this..
but no, not everyone has spanked in anger.
I think your friend is just coming to the table with her own experiences and you should try not to let it bother you. No need to disagree with her, just say something about everyone striving to be the best parent that they can.
SPANKING IS NOT EFFECTIVE
The problem is that many people, even some GDers regard spanking as a more effective, but cruel alternative. That attitude is a sure route to failure. If you always have in your mind that there is this "tool" that will work then sooner or later you will use it. You might even end up resenting your child and/or parenting style because you are busting your butt trying not to use the "easy , more effective, but cruel" method of discipline meanwhile your child is never going to have "perfect" behavior.
Growing up my sister got fairly regular spankings because she was the "worst" behaved one (she was the strong-willed child). None of the rest us raised any static so none of us got any punnishment besides guilt trips and screaming. Every once in a while something would happen and mom or dad would blow up and seriously physically discipline someone besides my sister. It always took us by suprise, always scared us, and always made us extremly resentful, it NEVER had anything to do with discipline.
i hate that there is a different word for hitting your child. can you imagine if someone said they spanked their wife for disobeying then rolled their eyes if you acted like they hit her? :
Mama to Jet 6/05, Marvel 8/06 and Cash and Fox 2/09
Expecting Ada Marianne 11/14
|It made me feel like I was being set up for failure (as I have an 8 month old and haven't experienced even the slightest desire or urge to spank).|
In case you don't want to read the whole thing, in national surveys, between 40-55% admitted to having spanked their kids depending on the survey; 68% said it was appropriate to spank kids as a regular form of punishment; 37% of college-educated parents said it was never appropriate to spank a child; 25% of parents with a high school education said the same thing.
So, not everyone spanks, but the majority do.
I have been so angry that I can totally understand how someone resorts to spanking. I don't agree with it and I've never done it, but I can understand it, and hold no judgement against parents who have faltered. But I don't understand spanking as a regular form of discipline.
I've really really been struggling the past few weeks b/c dd is not staying in bed. And it's like, well, maybe if I started spanking her she'd stay. It's so tempting to think there's a quick fix out there. But it really isn't. Ugh, parenting is hard..... And I so wish physical punishment weren't the norm. Very frustrating.
I have been VERY angry at the kids I work with. I mean shaking mad. But, I never even had the urge to lay a hand on them. So, I don't truly understand the urge to hit.
My daughters were SOOOOOO easy. They were both happy, calm, girls, who liked each other, and rarely gave me any grief. My neices and nephews are also like this. But, my best friend's daughter has given her fits since she was born. So, I think how angry we get at our kids depends on what their temperments were/are.
I can look at a Father who is clearly VERY mad, and I don't judge. I just give my kids a hug and thank Heaven they made parenting so easy for me. Because we don't all get these kids.
Not all parents are equipped with the same tools. Some parents hit because they truly do not know any better. They were hit, they hit their kids.
To claim that EVERYONE has or will spank in anger, is assuming that everyone grew up with the conditioning that parents need to MAKE kids be good.
Dp has never spanked ds, and I'd be willing to bet a large amount of money that he never will. He just doesn't even get how anyone could, or why anyone would. It makes no sense to him at all. It's not even a reaction that crosses his mind, ever. And he spends a good amount of time with ds, so its not like he never has to deal with difficult situations, or his own anger.
I have spanked once, unfortunately. I grew up in an area where it was ok, even the right thing to do, to spank in certain situations (dangerous situations, hurting others, etc). But even so, I don't feel like I failed, I feel like I screwed up, and I have to learn from it and do better.
What was your friend trying to get at? That you're going to spank at least once, so you may as well use spanking as a parenting tool? Or was she feeling a little defensive because she screwed up and spanked, so she's trying to convey to you that nobody's perfect?
Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
I really doubt I'll do anything like that. I'm lucky enough to have some anger management counseling under my belt, so I have tools to control my anger right there in the moment. I might suggest something similar to your friend...
I hit dd once, too...not even exactly in anger. She pulled ds2's hair when he was nursing, and he started to just scream, and my hand flashed out before I realized I was hitting. I pulled it, but not soon enough. I felt awful, but not exactly guilty. That's one instance where I absolutely would hit another adult, too - if somebody walked up and just hurt my baby like that.
I don't think it's true that every GD mom will hit their child. But, I'm not sure it's exactly unresolved issues, either. She may have just been making the point that sometimes people do lash out from frustration or whatever, even if that's not something they ever saw themselves doing.
Somebody posted about the desire to hit and/or throw things being genetic. I think that's probably true. DD has been very aggressive from day one. DS1 and ds2 just aren't the same way at all. DS2 is 15 months, and I haven't seen him hit at anything even once. He occasionally throws something, but it's in a very playful way, not an aggressive way. We're going to have to work with dd a lot to make her understand that people don't like being hit, whereas ds2 never even tries to do so.
Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) , Emma (5/03) , Evan (7/05) , & Jenna (6/09)
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing Aaron Ambrose (11/07)
So, no, I don't think all parents are doomed to spank. However it *is* true that most American parents spank at least once. Realistically, it is good to think about why that might be, and prepare yourself for situations that may challenge you on the issue. I don't think good intentions are enough...the reality of parenting is such that "never spanking" may be an ongoing conscious effort.
I was also raised being spanked, so its a natural knee jerk reaction that I'm trying to change.
I think hitting is a lot like yelling, some people (for whatever reasons) just have the impulse to do it. And if you are a yeller, it might be hard to understand that other people are just not inclined. Same if you are sometimes overwhelmed and spank, it may be hard to understand that there are other people who just don't even GET that impulse.
I have learned to control my anger alot though, so one spank is an improvement over me leaving him alone, throwing things, cutting myself etc.