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#61 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 10:08 AM
 
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This is a great topic! I used to be a BIG time yeller/screamer. Even though I always looked down on moms who yelled, I ended up yelling at my older kid. He was soooooooooo frustrating!

Then he developed Bipolar disorder; it started slowly at age 12, so we didn't even know anything special was wrong. He just wouldn't listen! He would argue, argue, argue. He would get fixated on one idea and not stop nagging about it. I didn't know this was part of his disorder. This is when I really started to snap and scream at the top of my lungs. Then I'd feel horrible.

I had to give up the yelling. First off, I was directing my kid(s) to be aware of their feelings and be responsible for taking a break, etc. But I wasn't doing it myself. I had to Walk my Talk. I had to learn to see when things were escalating for me, and take a break. I would go to my BR, shut the door, take a break. If you have small kids and can't leave the area/car/store, get those silicone/soft ear plugs for kids with ear tubes (sold in drug store...cheap) and have them in your pocket, ready to put into your ears. Shutting out the noise usually helps quite a bit. Then hum to yourself.

The other reason I had to stop was, Bipolar is a mental illness, and I was hugely stressed by it. My son is on the right meds now and he acts normal now, but he was pretty terrible to live with for almost a year. I HAD to find help from others. I had to find people to let my littlest one come over and play. I had to get my husband to do more at home. Anyone who offered help, I took it. I forced myself to let others help out so I could reduce my stress. If you are over-whelmed and fed up it's hard to not yell.

Be clear about what behavior is not acceptable and the consequences. With older kids, I like counting to 3 for them to stop. If you get to 3, write down a chore. If they keep doing the behavior, write another chore while you refuse to argue. Don't argue or discuss with your kids.

The only thing that has stopped my older child from arguing is, we have a code word when he MUST stop talking/discussing/arguing/whining, call it what you want. I say, "Stop...Pineapple!" and that means the END. If he says one more word, it's instant chore.

You are not doing yourself or your child a favor by letting them do things that you decide are not acceptable (whining, hitting, what have you). It makes you not want to be with your own kid.

Other thing: be sure you are targeting age-appropriate things. A toddler who is running around in the grocery store is YOUR problem. Little kids can only sit for a short time. You have to be prepared to spend two, two and a half hours at the grocery store if you have a toddler along. Not fair to blame the kid for acting his/her age.

That's it for my advice! I love not being a yelling mom. It's so worth it.
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#62 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 11:24 AM
 
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well i found this really late, but i can start my week today, okay? haha

my 5 year old puts me on edge so often it's not funny. this week i have felt like crying a LOT. he just tests me constantly, like he WANTS me to get angry at him.
he has learned the subtle art of sarcasm, and he uses it so well that i find myself either literally wanting to pull my hair out, or having to leave the room to laugh because he's so damn funny, but he can't see me thinking that his disrespect is humorous...right?

anyways, i will start today. yesterday was awful, i yelled a lot.
but next year he starts school and will be not here a lot, so i *must* make the most of this time...

thanks for the motivation to be a better/calmer mama!
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#63 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 01:24 PM
 
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saturday went pretty well, but yesterday was a bust. k was off the freakin' wall cranky and hyper yesterday and everyone was a little grumpy and stir-crazy. oy. hopefully things go better today.
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#64 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 01:47 PM
 
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This is an interesting challenge. I did not realize how much I yell. In fact, I had kidded myself that I almost never yell. But just a few minutes ago my three year old daughter ran into my sopping wet kitchen floor, which is made of hard tile (let's just say it needed a real soaking and mopping after TG and five days of no mops touching it). I yelled "NO STOP, COULD HURT YOU!!!" So what's the point of that? Why did it help to yell and bellow? Yeesh, help me!!! I don't ever want to yell, and I have snapped angrily once and truly yelled once.
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#65 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 02:04 PM
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Okay...1 yelling episode on Saturday ("NORA EMILY WE DO NOT HIT ANIMALS!" ...when she gets upset she'll cry and hit one of the dogs. Our female dog is extremely timid with a shy bladder and will pee if she gets hit : ), which is impressive considering she was SO wound up once we got home and absolutely nothing was diffusing it. Warm bath, reading, massage, sand box..nothing worked! So while it might not be "no yelling", it's a ton better than I'd usually do on such a draining day, for both of us.

Sunday, no yelling at all. We had a nice quiet day at home, even though DD was still wound tight from the day before, and I was at my breaking point. I haven't had an hour to myself to recharge my battery (extreme introvert here...if I don't have some time to myself I flip out) in two months. I cried, and finally said F it, turned on DD's favorite movie and took a cat nap while she crawled all over me and watched her movie. Woke up feeling a lot better and less snappy, with no need to yell. I've had to use my "stern voice", which is a little louder than my usual voice due to DD's distractability, but no yelling.
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#66 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 02:08 PM
 
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Already snapped this morning...we had to be out the door at about 10 till 9 to pick up a friend of mine for work so I can watch her DS and James was being pokey (now I realize it was 100% my fault, I should have gotten everything together rather than putzing around on the computer) and I snapped at him. I suck...The rest of the day will be better!

Renae wife to J :, Mama to 4.5y/o J-bird and 2y/o A : and E coming in late Dec/Early Jan. My husband had a living donor kidney transplant! :
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#67 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 03:42 PM
 
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I had a bad moment over the weekend. Iwas so tired , had a house full of company all day, wanted nothing more than to take a shower alone, and ... of course dd (almost 7) wantewd to shower with me. and i yelled about it. I think the moral of the story is to recharge before it gets critical.

i have to say i am glad school is back in session.

i'm glad you gave us this challenge though. it has me to be more mindful of how i am interacting with my kids.
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#68 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 03:42 PM
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Yelled. Was in the bathroom and heard a "thunk!" then a howl. Ran into my bedroom (oh the fun of running through the house while trying to get your skirt back up and fearful that your child has just mortally injured herself in the 2.5 minutes you took to go to the potty ) I see DD on the ground with her foot stuck in a dresser drawer. She had tried to make stairs out of it to climb to the top of the dresser and fallen. No serious injury, but I was so scared out of my mind that she had possibly broken her leg that I yelled that she should never ever do that. Obviously the ENTIRELY wrong thing to do since she was scared and hurting too I hate losing my logic like that. Will try harder when she wakes up from her nap.
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#69 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 03:47 PM
 
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Had some trouble this morning. Sometimes it's hard to be understanding when BOTH parent AND child are tired and cranky. I have been doing better though. I am SURE we will get there. Thank you again for starting this thread.
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#70 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 04:00 PM
 
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: : : :
this popped up and it's a good reminder...that this is my goal!!! I have been tested TO THE LIMITS!!!!!!!!! today!!!!!!! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs...my 3yo has to talk his way out of everything - naps, time out, eating lunch, hitting the dog...he has an explination for everything...maybe I've 'explained' too much? my GD is back firing?!?!?!? : : :

I will do better...I will do better...this is my mantra for the day...the hour...I will do better...
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#71 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 04:07 PM
 
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I'm tired. I work PT in the evening and yesterday I returned home at midnight and didn't get to sleep until 1 am. Then the baby kept waking up.

So, needless to say today my abilty to handle stress is just gone. DS3 just kept whineing and throwing fits and I just couldn't handle it anymore and yelled at him.

The worst part is trying to be gentle with myself. Now I feel like crapola for losing my patience. He's tired too and got stuck doing boring stuff (we had the house we are buying inspected today and he came along) and when we got home he just had to let that pent up enegy out. BUTI still feel like crap.
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#72 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 04:18 PM
 
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I yelled Saturday, but I'm not sure it counts...I was bending over and Sprogly jumped from the couch onto my back, and a knee or foot or elbow hit my kidney, and I was startled and hurt and yelled. That one I'm not sure counted...but then later he was using me like a trampoline and I yelled. I need a better way to handle it when he gets too rough, because we have a pattern with it now...we're tired, winding down, and he gets very hyper, wants to climb all over me and play rough, and he won't stop--if I'm sitting down, he's jumping on me. He just seems to do this when getting tired, and this weekend he was getting sick to boot.

The rest of the weekend I didn't yell, but then, Sprogly was sick, mostly whiny but not very active, poor baby. I had to sit up with him for hours late Saturday night.
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#73 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by zeldabee View Post
I yelled Saturday, but I'm not sure it counts...I was bending over and Sprogly jumped from the couch onto my back, and a knee or foot or elbow hit my kidney, and I was startled and hurt and yelled. That one I'm not sure counted...
.
Nah, it doesn't count

We're doing good today, too. I also yelled out after getting hurt by my toddler. Those little guys can be almost vicious

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#74 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 05:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Had some trouble this morning. Sometimes it's hard to be understanding when BOTH parent AND child are tired and cranky. I have been doing better though. I am SURE we will get there. Thank you again for starting this thread.
I'm glad you're here with us.

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#75 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 10:07 PM
 
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I snapped.. I snapped at DS twice. Once last night, he was up from 1am-4:50am... and I was tired. Too tired to try nursing, rocking, walking AGAIN. He would fall asleep for like 3 min, then be WIDE awake... ugh. So I snapped. I said "GO TO SLEEP, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" and he rolled over and fell asleep. So then I was awake feeling guilty.
He wakes up at 6:15 and wakes me up... so I got maybe 4 hours sleep total.

Incident #2. He was all cranky at 330PM so I figured I would put him in the Ergo and try to dance him to sleep for 30 min.. So he falls asleep, hears something, wakes up... I snapped "GO TO SLEEP"

So needless to say we have sleep issues and they put me over the edge. I just get all snippy and upset when he doesn't sleep.. Speaking of sleep, he has been asleep for an hour.. I should go to bed too..

I like this thread because it makes me "see" what I did. Helps me cleanse the bad. I will so be better tomorrow.. but tomorrow we have a long 3 hour car ride.. I am sure I will snap... but I will try try try not too.. I need a good mantra.... hmmm....

Linda - Mom who will never be afraid to use an Epi-Pen again! Epi-Pens save lives!
Charlie 4 yrs old, Harry 2 yrs old & someone new March 8, 2010!
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#76 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 10:24 PM
 
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dear lord...
i snapped twice today, on my day one.
hah.

i'm awful! i'm going to mummy hell, i just know it.

the first time it was "MOVE!" after asking sweetly to please move aside probably 6 times.

the second time was just now, putting him to bed, and he wouldn't let me leave. i hugged and kissed, i had already snuggled for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, i had played a game and talked about the day and about our plans for tomorrow, he had plenty of time to get ready for me to leave and him to go to sleep.
he was hanging on my leg as i was getting off his bed and i asked him to let go, let go, let go, he wouldn't do it, so i just started to move, and i tripped and snapped "just do as you're told!" and left.

he won't listen to me! nothing i try works.
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#77 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 10:29 PM
 
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just saw this thread, so I'm super late... but joining in! I definitely could use a place to be 'accountable' and get some support.

yesterday was really good most of the day (calm, reasonable, even playful), but started yelling when DD1 (6yo) was being a kid and slow to clean up a ginormous mess she created in the kitchen when I was trying to get dinner ready... i'm sad to say that yelling just once in a day is a good day for me.

today, so far so good. but dinner is coming up and DD2 (almost 2) hasn't napped today so I'm crossing my fingers- knowing I am going to report back here is going to help- I can tell!

I'm curious if you all have been working on figuring out your 'triggers'
2 of mine-
1. DDs screaming at each other (over toys or whatever)
2. me slacking off and not being mindful of what I need to be doing then holy c#$! I need to get this done right now and you kids are not helping (getting dinner, cleaning up, need to go pick up dh, etc).

I seem to go from 0 to 60, but working on being mindful of these to help me stop before I start, yk?

thanks mamas!
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#78 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 10:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MommyHawk View Post
...my 3yo has to talk his way out of everything - naps, time out, eating lunch, hitting the dog...he has an explination for everything...maybe I've 'explained' too much? my GD is back firing?!?!?!? : : :

I will do better...I will do better...this is my mantra for the day...the hour...I will do better...
about the 'explaining'- people I've talked to who are 'in the know', child psychologists and the like, have suggested that the reason for your request should precede the request and be succinct. For example, "it hurts doggy when you hit. do not hit." then redirect to a more appropriate activity.

Basically, you want your kid to hear the 'do not hit' message last so it sticks. also, hitting is not negotiable and by offering your reason before your request, you don't open it up to arguing and negotiation.

hth,
claire,
whose knowledge greatly outweighs her ability to put said knowledge into action

p.s. my mantra is "I am a kind and patient person, I act in kind and patient ways"
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#79 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 11:14 PM
 
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I'm also super late, but super in need of this thread. I am that mom I said I would never be. I yell, snap, and get angry at age appropriate behaviors. I have been told that my son is a little high strung, which I like to beleive so I think I'm not crazy. He is the most adorable and fun little boy and I am completely ashamed of how I have been treating him. Thanks for the wakeup call and I can't wait to get started tomorrow!
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#80 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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Also joining this thread. Today was definitely a yelling day Dd is almost 3, she literally screams in my face when I yell I really didn't think it would be so hard with 2.
I have to stop. Dh has to stop. We all need to reconnect as a family.
Tonight was nice, though. We had our first fire (we've only been in this house since June) and our first family game night. We taught dd1 how to play snakes and ladders - we took 2 intermissions , but by the end, she was doing really well. Hopefully that reconnect will keep me sane tomorrow.
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#81 of 112 Old 11-27-2006, 11:44 PM
 
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Not doing well so far.

I picked up a book at the library today called Scream Free Parenting. Maybe that will have good ideas.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#82 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 01:07 AM
 
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im in!! i had a terrible yelling episode today, dd hit me so hard i cried like a baby! and I yelled she would not let me put her 13 month old sister to bed, when i would try and rock my youngest dd 28 months would try and accidentally kick her or touch her for like 20 minutes
: anyways i yelled alot, so i think i want to start fresh tomorrow!
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#83 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 01:35 AM
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Uhg...yet another yelling episode. The cable repairmen were here, and *someone* (not me) left the door between the kitchen and the garage open. My father is a general contractor so besides having our canned goods out there, there is also a TON of dangerous tools. DD wandered into the garage, and after trying several different tactics to draw her out did not work, I went to gently and respectfully remove her, saying "Okay, time to go, it's cold in here! Brrrr!" she went into a vicious rage and tried to bite my wrist quite savagely. I freaked because my loving attitude was met with so much forceful violence, and lost it. I yelled "Don't you ever!" and picked her up and carried her back inside, her screaming and sobbing, me crying because I'm just too close to the boiling point these days and I desperately need a break, just a couple of hours out of the house without her, but one is not forthcoming for a long time :
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#84 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 02:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh man, was today ever rough. Agggh. Ds was in a very bad mood toward the end of the night. Diaper change before bedtime took 20 minutes. It should have taken 30 seconds and a single cloth wipe. He was lying on the floor, kicking wildly, bouncing his hips in the air, and screaming so shrillly it made my ears hurt. I was looking at him thinking, "you're so damned lucky I made the commitment to never hit you" because I know so many people who would have grabbed his legs and spanked the poor kid. While he was tantruming I called Dh to vent and get some conversation going about what's going on. But that's information needed in another thread.

Ya know, I think I'm doing good about not yelling. My problem is more that I think I get too stern sometimes. I had good practice getting stern growing up since I was the oldest kid of four. I have a tendency to make a request (I mean, demand) and if he doesn't do it I either ignore it from then on or do it myself. I'm sure it's confusing to him. **sigh**

Dh is home! Time to finish the last half of our movie and share a brownie.

~Nay

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#85 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 03:35 AM
 
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i vote we all call tomorrow our monday redo! anyone with me??
another tough day here. k was doing well for most of the morning, then turned insolent and cranky just before lunch. refused to nap, did all manner of naughty things, talked back and just generally acted bratty all afternoon. i was tired and edgy and m was clingy and we were just one big ball of fun! things settled down after the littles took a bath and both fell asleep easily.
we have a lot to do tomorrow but k is looking forward to it. i'm going to be around some awesome mamas in the morning, i hope i can use their influence to help me over my rough spots!
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#86 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 10:36 AM
 
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so yesterday was not too bad for us. no major yelling. a couple of definite 'too sterns' and a few 'too impatients'. one little yell "no!" at dd2 who was about to rip up a library book, but I could feel your presence, mamas! and you helped me stop it at that instead of totally freaking out about it.
it was a challenging day (no naps, one car broken down, 2 hour! bedtime process, and our dogs ran away!!), so lots of deep breaths and walking away for me. i am glad i found this thread to help 'keep me honest'- thank you again for starting this thread.
hoping today is better for us all.


i am a kind and patient person... i act in kind and patient ways...
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#87 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 11:59 AM
 
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i'm late, but game. I don't really yell, but I need to work on my verbal impatience and "sharp" tone. I've not been getting nearly enough sleep (7 month old baby waking constantly to nurse; DS (3 years, 4 months) kicking tons in our small, queen size family bed; and DH traveling TONS for job interviews. I'm exhausted and my patience is shot -- precisely when the kids need me to be far more level headed and steady.

Becca
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#88 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 01:06 PM
 
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I'd love to join. We've had some challenges here the last few weeks, new baby, mama's PP hormones, plus, Benton just spent a few days in the hospital for RSV, so I'm exhausted and was scared and all kinds of emotion. I don't have any kind of problem with yelling, my problem has been snapping. I HATE it. And I've been doing it to Henry lately in the last few weeks.

He loves to climb on me, and also to worm his way into the tightest little spots between me and whatever is on the other side of me. Like the couch arm, the bed headboard, whatever. I just feel these little hands and feet working their way into my space, and then by the time I *realize* that I've been feeling it, I'm already irritated because he's using me as leverage, so I'm feeling climbed on and annoyed, and I snap. It's mostly his level of physical activity, the worming, climbing and jumping that pushes my buttons, so I'm trying to be more in tune with my feelings to head it off at the pass before I get snappish.

Thanks for this thread!

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#89 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 01:16 PM
 
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snapped again yesterday when he woke up from his nap screaming holy murder, fell back to sleep and again woke up really really grumpy, nursing, tugging, etc and I said "DUDE! What is your deal?"

Today will be better!!

Triggers---I put stuff off and when I realize HOLY CRAP! I gotta do this NOW! And James is being less than coperative. He needs time to putz around while he's getting ready otherwise it becomes a battle and I get frustrated.

Trigger #2- I need to orginize better so that when we're going to leave I'm not rushing around looking for socks and shoes and shirts and diapers etc. I'm going to work on laying out his clothes the night before, rounding everything up and putting it by the door so we just gotta get up and go. Make life a million times easier.

Trigger #3, I'm going to start doing housework while he's quietly playing and not when he's wanting to nurse. Need to reverse my computer time.

Renae wife to J :, Mama to 4.5y/o J-bird and 2y/o A : and E coming in late Dec/Early Jan. My husband had a living donor kidney transplant! :
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#90 of 112 Old 11-28-2006, 08:56 PM
 
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ok, just don't even want to talk about yesterday. my dh came home to hear me yelling in the basement while i was trying to work out (to release stress : ) and they had been at each other all day. it was one of those days that i could see it right from the beginning. seems mondays are always kinda stressful because I actually try to get something DONE. but oh well.

today was better. i'm just finding it hard not to lose it when dd, 2, bites her older sister. i just don't get how to handle this. but i only raised my voice a little today but yesterday i said some things I haven't ever said in front of them because they were just over the top tired.....and grumpy. hence the 2 hour nap they both took today (my kids don't nap).

anyways. off to swiffer while they are outside with daddy. thank goodness for warm weather.

tomorrow is another day.
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