"bad girl" comment from babysitter - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 04-25-2003, 07:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd (15months) always throws a fit whenever I pick her up from the sitters. The sitter is a friend of mine, she watches her 3 hours a week while I work out. They love each other very much and I totally trust my friend.
However, as I was leaving the last time, sitter made a comment "are you going to be a bad girl this time?". I about flipped, but we just quickly left before I said something I would regret. My friend is also older than me, and has a daughter in college. Should I drop it, or bring it up again, or what? I want to tell her not to say it, but have a hard time approaching it, as she is the "older" woman who has raised a perfect daughter. Also, I have tried searching the web on articles on such things, but cant find anything, to "prove" my point, so she isnt thinking I alone am coming up with such "nonsense". That, and I have a hard time expressing things in a logical, make sense type of way.
Thanks in advance!
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#2 of 7 Old 04-25-2003, 11:07 PM
 
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I would definitely say something. In situations like this I just make myself the freak. "Ya know we really have a problem with dd being labled as a bad girl and iknow you probably didn't mean any harm when you said it but it is just a thing with me (blame your mother, MIL, satan, someone) We would really appreciate it if you could just focus on the behavior. For instance "Are you going to behave badly/scream/cry today?" I know it is silly but if you could just indulge us. . . "

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#3 of 7 Old 04-26-2003, 01:28 AM
 
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I like lilyka's response. If it were me, I'd probably say, "We try really hard not to label our daughter as a "bad girl" because we're afraid it will lead her to believe that she is "all bad". Your sitter may not fully understand why you're against those phrases, but if she wants to continue baby-sitting for your daughter, I'm sure she'll respect your opinion.

Good luck!
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#4 of 7 Old 04-26-2003, 11:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Also, I have tried searching the web on articles on such things, but cant find anything, to "prove" my point
Hi missy

www.continuum-concept.org
has great articles on the results of judging children like that

also, naomi ardolt has wonderful articles at the natural child website too about this as well.
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#5 of 7 Old 05-02-2003, 04:02 PM
 
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i think "punished by rewards": by alfie kohn also addresses this.
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#6 of 7 Old 05-02-2003, 08:01 PM
 
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Here's what I would do.

I would not try to find anything to prove my point. You said she is a friend and that would likely make her feel like you were judging her, I would stick with telling her that YOU prefer she not call your daughter a bad girl, that you think it should be about the behavior so that she knows exactly how to behave, that "bad girl" isn't specific. I wouldn't talk about the effect it has on her self esteem, although I agree that it does, I just think that she is a friend and I'd be careful about how I address it, you catch more bees with honey, than you do being a know-it-all. JK- What I'm trying to say is -stick with how identifying the behavior that you want sends a clearer message, and leave it at that.

Patty
PS- tread carefully, she's wrong but she's also a friend who means well.

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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#7 of 7 Old 05-03-2003, 01:23 AM
 
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Do you really need her help? If so, then approaching her can be risky. Prime a possible replacement so you have something to fall back on.

Much sensible advice given here.

a

The anti-Ezzo king
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