My son will not let me use the toilet! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 02:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Please help. My son (will be 4 in March) has lately been running in the bathroom, slamming the lid and sitting on the toilet and REFUSING to get off of it so I can pee. A couple of times when I really needed to go, I actually picked him up and carried him away, probably more forcefully than was necessary, while he screamed and cried. He actually made it in there again more than once and sat or stood on the toilet to prevent me going there again. He has also gotten to the door before me, slammed it shut and said, "Do not go in there!" I have to physically drag him away to get in the door.

This makes me angry--I will completely admit it. He will be spending the entire day with me, after sleeping next to me half the night, and I can't even use the toilet without him losing it?? I did ask him if he was sad because when I was in the bathroom he didn't get to see me and he said Yes. I do admit that going to the bathroom has sometimes been break time for me, and I spend more time there than I need to just to get some air. (The bathroom is on the 2nd floor, so we will be playing on the 1st floor which is totally disrupted by my going upstairs. He will freak and grab my legs or shirt and say No! No! when I tell him I need to pee.)

What do I do when he refuses to let me use the toilet? How can I get him off of it short of grabbing him and dragging him off?
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#2 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 02:51 AM
 
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can you give him a task and talk about it before you go?

can he hold the roll of tp for you? Or a clean wad of tp?

perhaps he feels disconnected with you.

Can he count the seconds that you pee. I know one of my kids would be fascinated to see how many seconds it takes me to pee and would get very involved in that, especially if it were ongoing and we could compare and rate the length of time it takes me to urinate.

Perhaps there needs to be some dialog before potty time.
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#3 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 01:42 PM
 
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Have you asked your son why he is so afraid to let you use the toilet? Does he think you're going to get flushed? I'm sorry I know you are frustrated. I think its also time to tell him that when a person is in the bathroom, it is not appropriate to bother them unless there is an emergency.
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#4 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 02:17 PM
 
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Can he come into the bathroom when you when you pee?
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#5 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 04:52 PM
 
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I would just let him go in with you. My kids used to sit on a stool by the sink and talk with me. I can promise that neither one of them wanted to be there past 5 yo. -- its not like you are making it a habit for life!
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#6 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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What about a pee-pee box, which would be a box of items that he can have only when you are in the bathroom. We have one of these for the telephone when I have to make business calls. It contains items that look like, or are actual, adult mommy items such as a calculator, and old credit card, pen, paper, a special reader book, stickers, etc. Otherwise, keep calmly removing him and adding consequences if necessary.
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#7 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 07:25 PM
 
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could it be the closed door?? my dd hated the closed door she is fine with it open could you try saying i have to pee can u run and put the lid up for me? if he does it then say thank you now can u fold the tolet paper for me i know it racks ur brain make u wish that u had 2 in your house i have been there
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#8 of 17 Old 12-24-2006, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He does go in there with me, all the time! In fact he often sits on my lap when I am doing my thing. I think it is usually an abrupt shift in what we are doing--we just set up the train tracks and then I realize I had better go, and he doesn't like that. Unless he comes with me, he is also left alone downstairs for a few minutes--and lately he has been very sensitive to noises etc. that seem scary. I guess I just better give him more advance warning!
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#9 of 17 Old 12-25-2006, 02:07 AM
 
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You deserve some privacy for your um, more basic physical needs. I personally would not announce I was going - I'd just go. And when he got to the closed door, he would be welcome to sit outside and do whatever but I would not hurry myself and I would not apologize.

I really think your need to pee in peace outweighs his need to be with you ever second of the day. In other words, I would find it more important for him to learn to deal with being on the other side of the door and less important that *I* should just adjust to peeing with an audience.

You are allowed privacy - and I would want my child to understand that people need to have their boundaries and needs respected.
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#10 of 17 Old 12-25-2006, 10:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
You deserve some privacy for your um, more basic physical needs. I personally would not announce I was going - I'd just go. And when he got to the closed door, he would be welcome to sit outside and do whatever but I would not hurry myself and I would not apologize.

I really think your need to pee in peace outweighs his need to be with you ever second of the day. In other words, I would find it more important for him to learn to deal with being on the other side of the door and less important that *I* should just adjust to peeing with an audience.

You are allowed privacy - and I would want my child to understand that people need to have their boundaries and needs respected.

:

I understand meeting your child's needs. I do my best to do that. But, I have to agree that at 4 yrs old, a child is old enough to understand that others have needs too.
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#11 of 17 Old 12-25-2006, 01:53 PM
 
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Personally, I'd just be matter-of-factly telling my kid I needed to use the toilet and asking her to move. If she didn't, I'd pick her up and sit down on the toilet. And then later, I'd try to talk about it to see if I could figure out why she didn't want me to go to the toilet.

In my house, that kind of behavior is totally unacceptable, and I wouldn't tolerate it. Interfering with other people's basic needs is just not OK.

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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#12 of 17 Old 12-25-2006, 02:13 PM
 
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fuller2....4's often do have trouble with transitions...Have you read Playful Parenting...will he race you? Or see if he can go up the stairs backwards...or something like that....

I love Playful Parenting approaches to these sorts of conflicts! I find they lighten me up.
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#13 of 17 Old 12-25-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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yeah i think all he needs is advance warning and a reassurance that you will get back to what you guys were doing.

i think he is just showing you how much u locking urself up in teh bathroom affects him. i mean if i was him and mommy in the middle of setting up tracks says i am going to teh bathroom and is gone for 10-15 minutes - that is a long time for him to wait. almost like you wont be back. sorry if this comes out as really harsh.

what i would say is if u need ur breaks (oh i hear ya on that one having a 4 year old myself) time it when he is really engrossed playing with something. unfortunately it will be at his time rather than yours.

but definitely if you need breaks do make sure you get some. just be aware our kids are far smarter than we make them out to be.

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#14 of 17 Old 12-26-2006, 03:27 PM
 
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I would suggest letting him go in with you, it will loose the novelty, FAST.

I've always let my son come in with me, and it's never been an issue .. he comes in if he wants, but most times leaves me totally alone. My DP wasn't used to this and actually wanted to be able to use the bathroom in peace (imagine that?!) and my son (just turned 4) would have a fit outside the door, wanting DP's attention, banging, etc. DP finally decided it would be less annoying to just let DS in with him .. after 2 times, he could care less, and DP gets to potty all alone.

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#15 of 17 Old 12-26-2006, 03:33 PM
 
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well, its not popular around here, but if my 4 yo did such a thing, I would pick them up, place them in the hall with some authority, and then lock the door. He will survive without you for a minute. carry on.
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#16 of 17 Old 12-26-2006, 05:30 PM
 
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Can you just matter-of-factly tell him that you need to go to the bathroom now and then ask him if he wants to come with you or if he'd rather stay downstairs playing?
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#17 of 17 Old 12-27-2006, 05:44 PM
 
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Maybe go before you start playing with him, even if you don't really need to? Then he can have your undivided attention when you play with him. I know that doesn't completely eliminate the problem, you'd still occasionally have to go in the middle of playing.
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