feelings on others disciplining your kids? - Mothering Forums
Gentle Discipline > feelings on others disciplining your kids?
vegmama's Avatar vegmama 09:22 PM 05-05-2003
While out at lunch today with a friend my daughter was rather loud and my friend was on her about getting quiet. This really struck a chord with me and I told her to stop. I had warned my friend before going out that the last time I went out to eat with my 14 mo old we had to get up and leave. She was being too noisy for the type of restraunt we were in. The one we went to today seemed pretty laid back, but there ended up being people that weren't interested in playing with a baby sitting around us, so dd tried even harder to get their attention. I'm sure you know how this is. Anyway, everytime I tried to say something to dd, so did my friend. I don't have a problem with others keeping her out of harm, but I have a BIG problem with others shushing her. I don't know what it is, I guess mainly because I normally don't do it to her. I also don't discipline other people's kids when the parents are there. So I suppose I expect the same in return. But what happens when the other person doesn't have the same philosophy or doesn't have kids (like my friend)?

I think she was a little upset because she was less talkative, but she didn't correct dd again. We'll see if it lasts!

Anyone else been in this situation?

CerridwenLorelei's Avatar CerridwenLorelei 03:01 PM 05-06-2003
". Anyway, everytime I tried to say something to dd, so did my friend. "

I would have a problem with this too if I had corrected my child and then someone else did it right then. ( I have had that with my mother) I have told her " I am handling mom,it may not be the way you would or want but I have it thanks"
You warned your friend ahead of time that you had to leave the last time you went out so MO for what its worth is she should have expected some loudness/toddler behaviour.
For myself I would have left after the second or third time and told friend give a rain check
But her correcting dd when you did just smacks of undermining your authority and seems to be saying that she doesn't feel you are capable
One of those people who is of the children should be seen and not heard ???
Lucky Charm's Avatar Lucky Charm 04:36 PM 05-06-2003
I wouldnt want anyone to shush my child either. does this friend of yours have kids? i have a friend who asks me to lunch all the time. i rarely go as my 5 year old is still a big, very big, handful. she thinks he is old enough, and i am sure he is, to behave better in a restaraunt. however, my reality is, that he isnt. of course, when she has kids, hers wont *ever* behave like that in a restaraunt :Puke

if my child is in danger...running across the street, touching a hot stove, climbing on a chair, then please stop him. all others for the most part is off limits. (and i do avoid situations where my child wont behave, or acts inappropriately with other kids. meaning, i go to my friend julies at the drop of a hat because her kids and mine are great, but i would never go to my friend janes, kwim?).
NoraB's Avatar NoraB 07:01 AM 05-08-2003
I would certainly have been seriously annoyed at that friend.

In general, I don't mind if a friend or relative disciplines DD (gently) if I am not right there to do it myself (of course, this almost never happens). If I'm present, I expect them to defer to me or DH. I treat other parents w/ the same respect. My mom often has a problem w/ wanting to step in and discipline DD in my presence. She'll often take things away from DD, mock her when she's upset, or say "no" harshly. I have to remind her (gently) that we do not treat DD that way. I've also had numerous discussions w/ her (making them seem like casual conversations...never making them about her ) about my parenting philosophy. I'm happy to say that she's getting it (albeit slowly) .
LaLaLuna's Avatar LaLaLuna 07:50 AM 05-08-2003
If the other person is another parent whose parenting philosophy meshes with mine and who is familiar and loving with my child I have no problem with it- I welcome it because I like that my kids get the idea that there are social aspects and ramifications to their behavior and that other people can (gently) call them on it if need be.

Then there are the childless friends. Or the much older friends whose ideas of "good behavior" are either far afield from mine or who have forgotten the harsh reality of toddlers and children

Those people are welcome to just keep their stupid opinions to themselves.

I have a dear (childless) friend who used to get on my older son's case about acting like a total little hooligan (you know how it is when an adult friend they adore comes over- they just pull out all the stops!) I got a little grouchy with my friend a couple times (Including the "Uh- I'm on it, you don't have to get on his case too" line) which made him realize he was coming down a little hard. Then he took a child developement class as a pre-req for a school program and is totally great and understanding about how kids behave now. It's like he has a completely different understanding of their capabilities and is much more empathic. (sorry- I'm rambling)
t-elaine's Avatar t-elaine 06:06 AM 05-09-2003
I just had to throw this in...an old friend of mine who I really don't see very often, invited me and my dds over for dinner last fall...She has two cats who can eveidently be mean. My dd loves cats so she would try to pet them...This "freind" threatened to SPANK my dd if she went near the cat again!!! I told her "no you won't!" I will never take my children to her house again! She keeps inviting Autumn over to make cookies, luckily dd says "no, thankyou"
Anyways, I can relate to teh whole friend disciplining thing.
My mother does what your friend did all of the time. Even when I'm sitting right there. My mother doesn't think I "discipline" (yell at or spank) her enough and feels she needs to try to fill in the gap.
I try my hardest to just keep my dd closer to me than her when we are out. I am actually planning a little speach to give my mother at the next chance I get. I have had enough of it and she hasn't listened to me yet!
vegmama's Avatar vegmama 03:37 PM 05-09-2003
I cannot believe your friend threatened to spank your dd!!! I would have been in a REAL catfight if that was my friend and she went through with it. Where do people get off?

My mom and I talked about this and unless she has dd alone or I don't notice her getting into danger, she tries to be the nice push over grandma. I really appreciate that! My dad and I have had one run in when he raised his voice to dd and when that happened, (at their house) I picked up dd's toys and left without saying a word. He got the picture and we haven't had a problem since.

My childless friend sits for two older boys after school a few days a week and has a degree in psychology. I guess this makes her an expert on other people's children! Especially since her degree has nothing to do with child psychology
TiredX2's Avatar TiredX2 09:12 PM 05-09-2003
>>>This "freind" threatened to SPANK my dd if she went near the cat again!!! <<<

I can't even *imagine* someone saying that!!! If the cats are actually mean, IMO, the polite thing to do would have them out of the way before guests arive.

If my kids are with someone else, I expect them to use my forms of discipline if there are problems. If I am there *I* will be the one to discipline. I really try to get this across, because I am pretty laid back and *don't* try to stop my kids from a lot that other people might (if they aren't hurting themselves/others I try to let it go) and don't want people all over them all the time.

Thats basically just butting in (rude) to add your little two cents. Also, with DD, I think it would be hurtful if someone not "in charge" of her said something negative to her (after I already had), thats kind of a lot of negativity for a little kid to deal with.
t-elaine's Avatar t-elaine 11:22 AM 05-10-2003
Yeah...I still am holding a bit of a grudge towards her for the threat...That's why I will NEVER allow her to be alone with my child for one and avoid ever going to her house. Her child rearing techniques are definitely different than mine and I do not trust her to respect our choices and be the way I want her to be with my daughter.
TiredX2 - the whole negativity thing is why I get soooo frustrated with my mother! I'll have just said something to dd about a certain behavior or something and she feels that she needs to reinforce that! Deep down inside, my dd knows that my mother is so negative towards her all of the time and so she rarely chooses to be with her and if she starts to scold her or tell her to do something she just runs away. Then my mother complains to me how dd is "hurting her feelings"... and talks about her like she's a rebellious teen...
I've tried talking to her, but it hasn't helped yet. I think she has some issues...I believe that she resented my sister and I somewhat, especially when we WERE rebelious teens and those feelings are coming out towards my children! I don't know quite what to do to help her get over it so she can have some genuine quality time with dd. DD LOVES grandpa ...who's a big teddybear and her favorite person (2nd only to me)...but mom is always there too!
Being a parent, I think, would be such an easy job...if it weren't for EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!!!
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 07:29 PM 05-10-2003
Depends on the situation and the friend. Disciplining and seeking coperation are different things. If your friend had asked you dd politely to stop yelling or whatever or made a gamne out of being quiet etc. . . that would be different and I wouldn't have aproblem with that but it sounds like she went further than that and was expressing her annoyance at your child. Not appropriate. She had been forwarned and you were doing something about it. even if it wasn't good enough for her or what she thought should have been done it is not her place to step in and parent your child for you.
Alegria's Avatar Alegria 06:15 PM 05-11-2003
This is why I haven't had my dd in any type of childcare or preschool yet. I don't even want other people telling her what to do. Or making her go outside if she wants to be in. I make her do things that she doesn't want to do sometimes but gently. But I'm her mother, i just hate Authority figures so much. The few times another person, her aunt or my dad have scolded her, she is very sensitive and it gets her fealings hurt. that makes me
skibumel's Avatar skibumel 08:08 PM 05-14-2003
I would have been very iritated. I don't even like it when my mother gets on to my ds. I feel like parents make the best decision on how there child is disciplined and should be the one to exercise the discipline. If any one has a problem with my child doing something wrong they should talk to me and let me handle it. And especially should stay out of it if I am present and handling it already.
LunaMom's Avatar LunaMom 12:23 PM 05-16-2003
I don't think it is appropriate for someone to discipline another's child if the parent is right there. I would be annoyed if someone did this to me. It is not someone else's place to teach my child how to behave, unless they are caring for her in my absence. And if I'm there but distracted, I wouldn't mind if someone said something to dd if she was doing something wrong, but they had better do it kindly, like I do.

The only exception to this, I think, is if the misbehavior affects the other person's child. For example, if a child grabs a toy from dd, I will not hesitate to say something to the kid, even if the parent is right there. Of course, these days, dd does a pretty good job of dealing with such incidents herself!
vegmama's Avatar vegmama 01:03 PM 05-16-2003
I agree with the "other kids involved" issue. If the other parent doesn't say something right away and I think my child has been wronged, I try to do what I would do with my own child, which is redirect and say something like "Show dd how we share." etc.

An update on this friend. She talked to the ob-gyn she sits for about how I was feeling stressed due to my daughter's loud behavior in restraunts (which I am, but it's not like it's consuming me!) This doctor says I should be so proud of my dd verbal abilities b/c some kids (like her second child) didn't talk soon and saw a speech pathologist. WHAT?! So now it's turned into me not begin proud and grateful for what I'm blessed with? And it was my friend in the beginning that seemed to be just as uncomfortable with the situation. I told her I think she misrepresented me to this mother and she said "No I didn't." She's just saying your dd is awesome. Whatever! Then she tries to pull some crap that this person is an ob/gyn. Does that mean she's a specialist in child development? Doubtful, but when I mention something about second children sometimes talking late anyway (and I do have child development training) she says, "Thanks for the education since you ARE the Expert!" URGH!!! I said Bye and hung up! And to top this all of she is my dd's godmother.

Sorry for the rant, but this just happend and I'm rather irritated at the moment!!!