Please help me! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 05-05-2003, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
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I feel like such an awful mother right now. I'm just shaking. I do love my DD so much, but sometimes I get so frustrated w/ her. I know that she is only 10 months old, and it is not her fault. Sometimes, though, I don't know if I can take any more. DD is highneed. She does not like to be away from me physically for more than 15 min or so at a time. Some days, I cannot put her down all day. She doesn't nap by herself (we had some success for awhile using the NCSS, but it seems to have vanished), still nurses several times at night (though we cosleep, so that helps), and doesn't let anyone else take her for very long. I'm a SAHM and don't have anyone to help me around the house. My house is a disaster right now, and has been since she was born. I cannot get much done before DD wants to be held and/or nursed. She's usually fine until I get up and start doing housework. I could sit on the couch for 30-45 min while she played happily across the room, but the moment I get up (even if I remain in her line of sight) and start to work, she flips out!

Today, I was cooking while she was playing. After a few minutes, she wanted to be held. I tried to hold her off for a few minutes by singing and doing a silly dance. She started screaming. I felt like I really had to finish cooking. Instead of being sympathetic to her, I felt so frustrated. I wonder if this will ever change. I hate the idea of CIO, but I wish I could just get through one complete task w/o her freaking out on me. Are all babies like this? Is this just a phase? Do I just suck at parenting? I don't know what to do...please help me!
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#2 of 7 Old 05-05-2003, 10:53 PM
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I understand your frustration. Babies around your dd's age tend to go through major seperation anxiety. It will most likely pass in a couple of months. In the meantime, I would recommend one of those backpack carriers and/or a sling/front pack. I have all three and they have been well used. All for different things. Also, I know it's VERY difficult but sometimes you just have to let go of the house and the way it looks. Obviously your dd comes first in your life and that's a good thing. So pat yourself on the back and know that you are a good parent. Good luck!
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#3 of 7 Old 05-05-2003, 11:09 PM
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My dd was also just like yours, it will get better. It took a while but she just learned that I will always be here whenever she needs me, she's 4 1/2 now and I can leave her for 1 hour per week for an art class she attends, no problems. But it was a long road, I have to say. Though all babies are diffrent, it may not take as long for your dd as mine.

I also seond the recommendation for a backpack. If I had one with dd things may have been easier. I definately learned my lesson when ds was born, he's spent most of his waking hours in it, happily I might add. It makes housecleaning possible, as well as cooking, going to the bathroom, shopping, etc.
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#4 of 7 Old 05-05-2003, 11:15 PM
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OMG believe me you are doing fine. you poor thing, you sound like i did at the same stage and i NEVER thought i'd get through it!!! my son is/was the same way. i wore him constantly, though at 10mo i wore him in a backpack most often so he could see what i was doing and it often shut him right up when nothing else would....."wanna ride the momma? let's ride on the momma"....i STILL say that sometimes and he is 2y3mo and near 30lb!! but in hindsight i do recommend getting a decent pack. i got one for $7 at the thrift store and it was ok for awhile but then it started wreaking havoc with my back, and armpits where the straps rubbed as my son got heavier.
you are not an awful mom. i think it's just that a lot of us have NO IDEA how much commitment (as in 24/7) it takes to have/raise a child, let alone a high need one! i didn't even know there WAS a thing as high need till i had my son. he had intense colic for 3mo, then is high need and very energetic on top of that, then he was not remotely into separation at all. and i've been more or less a single SAHM since the start. believe me, i know what you are going through.
hang in there. it takes INTENSE attitude shifting and patience on your part, and you can do it. i'm in a 12 step program and the lessons i've learned there have been invaluable across the board, even in raising my son. maybe you could "sit in" on some in your area? they are very open to help, even if you don't have the addiction-du-jour.
i've found sometimes that even validating his feelings for a second will help. like in your cooking situation, "you really want mommy to pay some attention to you, don't you? (look her directly in eyes) mommy needs to cook right now, and you can ride on my back while i do. when we are done cooking, i can read you a story (or nurse, or fill in the blank)." don't use the word "BUT". use the word "AND". get in that habit. i've found that it works better than BUT, even with spouses and others!
it's SO HARD to feel sympathetic and not frustrated. some days my mantra is "he is only a baby once, he's only a baby once"....and chill on the couch with a drink and a magazine and to heck with the house. but i KWYM.
you are not alone!!!

Me treehugger.gif Handfasted wife to M  geek.gif as of 3/7/10 , and Mama to R  reading.gif (1/31/01) luxlove.gif

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#5 of 7 Old 05-06-2003, 12:44 AM
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My mom said she could not put me down -until I started to walk. Then I took off and had no time for her. Maybe that will be your case.

Capitalize on happy moments. When she is playing nice, duck in and out for a few minutes. Gradually try to lengthen the time. Leaving them alone when they are happy is hard, because it is fun then, but try it.
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#6 of 7 Old 05-06-2003, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you all so much! I'm feeling much better today. I know that DD is more important than housework, and usually I'm much better at keeping my perspective . It's good to know that I'm not alone in this. I do have a sling, but haven't used it much for housework (though I don't know why). I'm going to start using it for at least some of my tasks. Thank you all again!!!
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#7 of 7 Old 05-06-2003, 10:13 PM
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Originally posted by NoraB

Today, I was cooking while she was playing. After a few minutes, she wanted to be held.
it is so hard when they are so young and cannot understand about mom NEEDING to get something actually finished!

do you have a sling? it might be a great help to you. you could do a lot wearing her bc your arms are free, and she gets to be with/on you!
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