Have you EVER spanked? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Have you ever spanked?
Yes, once or twice but never again 98 22.58%
Yes, more than once or twice but never again 69 15.90%
Yes, I used to spank but now don't 35 8.06%
No, I've never spanked 202 46.54%
Other 30 6.91%
Voters: 434. You may not vote on this poll

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#91 of 115 Old 02-25-2007, 06:43 PM
 
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I voted more than once or twice but never again.

that is being optimistic. i'm not gonna lie this is something I struggle with every day. its been awhile (I think like 3-4weeks) so I think I've got it beat!

(pun not intended)

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#92 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 01:44 AM
 
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No. I was not hit as a child so even when the frustration level gets high, the thought to spank is not an initial reaction.

Forever grateful for my parents and their very gentle parenting.
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#93 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 02:00 AM
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Well, I have never spanked my own child but I guess that I would have to say yes-once. My little brother used to be SOOOOO stubborn when he was 3 or 4 that I would end up crying from trying to get him to do something simple. He would be refusing and yelling calling me a poophead or whatever was his favorite mean word of the day LOL. I didn't believe in hitting even then but once I couldn't handle it and I put him in a big laundry basket so he couldn't kick me. He called me names the whole time but when I got him out ye screamed to get back in LOL. Talk about ineffective punishment! He liked it!!!

But anyways the one time I did spank was when I was really frustrated at his kicking, screaming, and hitting. I only lightly smacked his leg but then cried for an hour because that is just NOT part of my values and it was wrong. Somehow I was the only one in my family that felt that way though. My parents and sisters had NO problem with spanking and slapping him 20 times a day. They blamed my "weirdness" on reading too much. *eyeroll*
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#94 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 07:17 AM
 
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Oh No! I completely misread the title.

I thought it said "were you ever spanked" so I answered accordingly. Now, i might look bad because of that - I have NEVER spanked.

I got very angry with my daughter the other day for running away from me and onto the street, and I have to admit, there was a slight urge to be a little physical. But I have never hit her.
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#95 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 01:34 PM
 
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One thing that I find interesting - alot of people equate spanking with anger. I don't. And alot of people seem to think it is more forgivable if you have spanked out of anger than if you spanked out of thinking it was a good form of discipline at the time? I don't. I think it is wrong, wrong to take anger out on a child physically. Just thought it was interesting...
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#96 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 01:37 PM
 
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No.
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#97 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 01:38 PM
 
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Yes, once.

After a very bad day, where I had already been at the end of my rope for a few hours. Alex whacked me in the face while I was trying to put him in his booster, and then did it again when I asked him to please not hit me. I swatted his bottom once.

I cried the entire hour ride home while DP drove. He never said anything, except that I should not be too hard on myself. I still feel like crying when I think about it, it's awful.

The worst part? DS and I talked about it at length, he was so hurt and confused by my actions. In his 4 years of life, he'd never been hit. For several weeks after that, when he got mad at us he'd yell, "I'm going to hit your butt!"

It was awful, just awful. I will chop off my hands before I ever, ever put a hand on my child ever again. I don't know what posessed me to do it, but I could never live with myself if it ever happened again. It's hard enough to live with it now.

Boy, that was hard to type out.

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#98 of 115 Old 02-26-2007, 01:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mom22girls View Post
Suggestions for dire situations REALLY welcome!


-H
Well...we rarely, rarely raise our voices, so in a couple of situations similar to what you described, my partner and I both yelled - loudly - STOP!!!

This certainly got her attention - and was quite upsetting to her too, BTW...I really don't think there is some "special" situation where hitting another person is the only possible response. Since hitting is just 100% not an option for us, we used what was available and it worked just fine. I'm sure you can find something that works for you too!

It's very heartening to me to see how many non-spankers and ex-spankers there are, BTW. I'm so anti-spanking that I edit it out of books (like the otherwise excellent "Bedtime for Francis.") My friends think I'm nuts (even thought they don't spank either - I think!)
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#99 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 09:12 AM
 
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One thing that I find interesting - alot of people equate spanking with anger. I don't. And alot of people seem to think it is more forgivable if you have spanked out of anger than if you spanked out of thinking it was a good form of discipline at the time? I don't. I think it is wrong, wrong to take anger out on a child physically. Just thought it was interesting...
I did read one study once that a swat out of anger was less damaging then a premeditated swat. In the first case (anger), you can apologize and explain that mommy is human, was angry and did a bad thing. In the second case, its like you put some thought into it, and the swat is more disconnected to the disobedient action and therefore more connected to a "i'm not valuable" type mentality in the child.

I wish i had the exact reference to the study; but I didn't save it; the point was moot for me since I don't swat in ANY case.
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#100 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 11:06 AM
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No, I never have. I yell, instead. That's the thing I'm working on.

Mama to: Katie, Emily , and Abby
Not perfect, Just amazing!
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#101 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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Other.My dd1 is 12 and I can honestly say that I have had to spank on occation over the past 4 or 5 years. When she was verry small I did when she would do something that could potentially seriously injure her (touching the hot stove, running out in the road) ONLY! And at the time that was acctually concidered to be part of GD, it was a little hurt to stop a big hurt.
We need to find big kid GD tactics somewhere now, none of the stuff we know works anymore and when she steps up I have a habbit of stepping up too. So I can not say I won't spank agian but I can say I REALLY don't want to. It has broken my heart every time I had to.
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#102 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 05:55 PM
 
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where's the He!! NO!! Option?!? No never spanked and never will. If I ever get close...I need to work on my own self control...
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#103 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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No, but dd is only 16 months old so I'm not sure that even somebody who does think spanking is acceptable would do so to a baby her age.

I do find myself on the verge of yelling (more than a firm "please don't do that" but not yelling either) though sometimes and I HATE it. I do find it easier now that she is understanding more and more everyday. I hope I never turn into a yeller/screamer.
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#104 of 115 Old 02-28-2007, 08:17 PM
 
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No, but dd is only 16 months old so I'm not sure that even somebody who does think spanking is acceptable would do so to a baby her age.
Sadly, that is not true.
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#105 of 115 Old 03-02-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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I watched one of my best friends spank her 9 month old and I was freaking out on the inside. I guess I am just hoping that was a stressful time in her life (no I do not thik of that as an excuse) and it stopped. I haven't seen it since.
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#106 of 115 Old 03-02-2007, 05:33 PM
 
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Sadly, that is not true.
unfortunately people do spank very young children... here is Canada it is actually illegal to spank a child younger than 2! While that is great, unfortunately it is still okay to spank your child over 2 (although only with your hand - spanking with wooden spoons, belts, rods etc is also not legal). Interesting how laws are made....:
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#107 of 115 Old 03-02-2007, 05:37 PM
 
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I watched one of my best friends spank her 9 month old and I was freaking out on the inside. I guess I am just hoping that was a stressful time in her life (no I do not thik of that as an excuse) and it stopped. I haven't seen it since.
wow...9 months is so little...: I have never spanked, although in a very stressed out moment I have sent to my oldest (born 97)..."if I was the kind of parent who spanked...this is when I would be doing it!" - not very attachment friendly parenting, but better than spanking, especially spanking when angry.
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#108 of 115 Old 03-02-2007, 05:41 PM
 
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No it's not, but I think it can get a lot harder when kids get older, if you were spanked and had issues. When my ds was a baby, it was easy to say "I would NEVER do that." Now years later, I admit there have been times I had to try hard not to. He's tough sometimes when I'm drained, and I am virtually deprogramming myself from my own upbringing.

eta: ok i see you said you were spanked as well, so you know how that goes. Spanking is never acceptable, but I just think it's harder for some among us due to varying pressures and varying experiences. I never dreamed it would be so hard at times to not repeat what my parents did, once I knew I so badly didnt' want to do it. Another reason not to do it to your own children.

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Sadly, that is not true.
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#109 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 02:11 AM
 
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I was spanked as a child, and that made me all the more certain that I never would spank my children. When I read "how to talk so kid's will listen...." it talks about the ineffectiveness of spanking - if you were spanked as child, what did you remember? how did that make you feel? The point being that most children who were spanked (I am sure not all) did not even remember why they were spanked, and certainly most didn't remember what they had done to "deserve" a spanking, nor did they feel "bad" about what they had done...instead they remember how angry they were at the person who spanked them, even revenge fantasies of getting even...not what I want my child to feel or remember.

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No it's not, but I think it can get a lot harder when kids get older, if you were spanked and had issues. When my ds was a baby, it was easy to say "I would NEVER do that." Now years later, I admit there have been times I had to try hard not to. He's tough sometimes when I'm drained, and I am virtually deprogramming myself from my own upbringing.

eta: ok i see you said you were spanked as well, so you know how that goes. Spanking is never acceptable, but I just think it's harder for some among us due to varying pressures and varying experiences. I never dreamed it would be so hard at times to not repeat what my parents did, once I knew I so badly didnt' want to do it. Another reason not to do it to your own children.
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#110 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 02:32 AM
 
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Editing this, because I don't want it to be taken wrong (or as violating UA or something)-

I was spanked as a child - I have absolutely no bad memories of it or hard feelings about it. (DH is the same.) I did follow my parents example and disciplined my dd in her second year of life with spanking. I had mixed feelings about how it was working out, and sought out some alternatives. I think it is really hard for people who were spanked but feel they were raised well and are not bitter about it to get really excited about changing. Most of my closest friends and family were spanked and are spankers.
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#111 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 03:01 AM
 
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Once. I don't even remember what it was about. I remember feeling really frustrated and exhausted. No excuse, though. I swatted his cloth diapered bum, and he hit me back!! (duh, right?) And it really made me think about what I was teaching my son. I apologized to him and gave him a hug.

I used to get spanked frequently as a child. Wooden spoon. I always swore that I'd never hit my child. I remember once when I was in grade 11, we were having a class discussion about spanking, and there were maybe 3 students who said they would never spank. But when questioned further, I was the only one (in a class of 30) who didn't believe in spanking.

I still don't believe in spanking, I think it just perpetuates violence, and gives kids the wrong tools to handle their conflicts. So while I'm very embarrassed to have spanked my son once, it was a learning experience, and one that I would not repeat.

one tired mama chasing after a spirited little boy (10/04)
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#112 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 01:30 PM
 
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I was spanked as a child, and that made me all the more certain that I never would spank my children. When I read "how to talk so kid's will listen...." it talks about the ineffectiveness of spanking - if you were spanked as child, what did you remember? how did that make you feel? The point being that most children who were spanked (I am sure not all) did not even remember why they were spanked, and certainly most didn't remember what they had done to "deserve" a spanking, nor did they feel "bad" about what they had done...instead they remember how angry they were at the person who spanked them, even revenge fantasies of getting even...not what I want my child to feel or remember.


I remember being spanked too, and feeling very ashamed about it, and angry. So yes, for me it also made me that much more determined NOT to spank. That is why I was so surprised when it was difficult at times to resist as he became older and more challenging. It's like it's just programmed in you (at least that's how I felt). I think people unconsciously and unwillingly repeat their parents mistakes all the time, and not because they think it was a great parenting method. That's why it's so important to recognize that one will likely repeat the cycle if they don't strive to stop it. It's just that I thought that first step was the hard part, and it was actually the easy part.

Although, I will also say that I think their non-corporal punishment methods of parenting effected me more: the authoritarian attitude (they were ALWAYS right), the periodic shaming, and the conditional love (to borrow Kohn's phrasing) that made me feel like I was only loved if I behaved well. I think those were all worse than spanking, and also something that I have to work on from seeping in when things get really tough, i.e. when all the gd tactics seem to be failing. Not that I think that is any kind of excuse, or that I could ever rely on those "methods" completely, the way my parents did. But resisting them 100%, 100% of the time hasn't always been easy for me.
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#113 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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Three thoughts have been running through my head since I voted in this poll a few days ago:

1) So I told dh last night that his mom spanked ds1 when he was about 12 months old because he was kicking and didn't want his diaper changed. Ds1 is 3.5 years old now ... and I'd kept that secret all this time! When MIL told me that she spanked his bare bottom, I told her that she better not tell my dh because he would never let her be alone with ds ever again in she was going to spank. That threat was enough for her to leave him alone. What type of person spanks a 12-month old? Was I wrong to NOT tell dh that his mom spanked ds?

2) Ds1 asked me why his friend's mom "smacked his bum" at the mall last week. He had thought about it for 5 days before he brought it up to me! Poor kid just couldn't get it out of his mind.

3) That same friend who smacks her 4yr old ds also started spanking her dd when she was about 10 months old. She doesn't beat the children, by any means, but it's just something that I don't want my kids to see. Since ds1 has an aggression issue to begin with, what lesson is he learning from watching an adult smack a child's bum?

Shannon, mum to ds1 (8/03), ds2 (6/05), dd (5/07), and ds3 (7/09)
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#114 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 02:43 PM
 
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Although, I will also say that I think their non-corporal punishment methods of parenting effected me more: the authoritarian attitude (they were ALWAYS right), the periodic shaming, and the conditional love (to borrow Kohn's phrasing) that made me feel like I was only loved if I behaved well. I think those were all worse than spanking,.
I think that might be the key. Kids forgive spanking easier when it is part of an overall scheme of gentle parenting (not saying it's correct to spank). Then when those kids become adults like me and my dh, it initially appears that spanking must be beneficial, because we feel so good about our upbringing. It takes realizing that it was all the other AP and GD things our parents did that really made the impact, in order to feel like changing. So I wouldn't judge a parent I saw spanking if I have no idea how they treat their children. It is a complex issue - and some parents really feel they are being loving and showing their children the correct way by spanking. Those parents have to be addressed in a different way.
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#115 of 115 Old 03-03-2007, 03:27 PM
 
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At this time, I am closing this thread to new posts so that I can review with heartmama. The MDC User Agreement states that we must each:

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Follow the rules and guidelines specific to individual forums. These will be posted at the top of the forum.
Please take a moment to re-read the Gentle Discipline Forum Guidelines. This thread was in no way intended to promote spanking, no matter what the circumstances.

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Welcome to Gentle Discipline:
This forum has a specific aim: to help parents learn and apply gentle discipline methods in raising their children.

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Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara
Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.

Please feel free to discuss your problems and needs with the intent to learn more about Gentle Discipline.

The UA also explains:

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Mothering.com is the website of natural family living and advocates natural solutions to parenting challenges. We host discussion of nighttime parenting, loving discipline, natural birth, homebirth, successful breastfeeding, alternative and complementary home remedies, informed consent, and many other topics from a natural point of view. We are not interested, however, in hosting discussions on the merits of crying it out, physical punishment, formula feeding, elective cesarean section, routine infant medical circumcision, or mandatory vaccinations.
Please contact me or heartmama, this forum's moderators, via PM if you have any further questions or comments. Thanks

I have retired from administration work, so if you have a question about anything MDC-related, please contact Cynthia Mosher. Thanks!
 
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