Were YOU spanked as a child? - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Were YOU spanked as a child?
Yes, I was abused 145 20.57%
Yes, I was spanked on a regular basis, but I wouldn't consider myself "abused." 131 18.58%
Yes, I was spanked several times a year 181 25.67%
Yes, I was spanked 1-4 times in my entire childhood 172 24.40%
Nope, I was never spanked. 60 8.51%
Other 16 2.27%
Voters: 705. You may not vote on this poll

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#181 of 206 Old 03-06-2007, 07:03 PM
 
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Anyone who was taught to believe that they "deserved" to be hit, were emotionally abused, imo.


Pat
Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated. No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.


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#182 of 206 Old 03-06-2007, 10:14 PM
 
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I was spanked with a belt and hands. I always heard, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you . . . " Yeah, right.

But I have to say the emotional abuse was worse. Mom confessed to me when I was grown that she could punish my brother by spanking him. He would cry and she would consider him sufficiently punished. That didn't work with me, she said. Instead, she would just tell me that what I'd done had really hurt her. I would burst into tears when she told me that. That became my punishment. Needless to say, I still feel responsible for everyone's feelings.
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#183 of 206 Old 03-06-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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I vote for abuse although I doubt my parents would see it that way even now. I missed several days of school in 2nd or 3rd grade after being hit in the head with a flying shoe and probably having a concussion, but never taken to a hospital. Numerous times all 4 of us were lined up and beaten with a belt until we "confessed" to whatever dad was after us about. I was asked at least twice about marks on my legs although for some reason I never told anyone my dad was the reason for them. When I was older I also had a phone ripped out of the wall in front of me while trying to call 911 to report him for child abuse when he was beating on one of my brothers. All this by an ordained minister. Is it any wonder I have nothing to do with organized religion?

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#184 of 206 Old 03-06-2007, 11:00 PM
 
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I checked "abused". It's weird though because I was actually spanked very little compared to many others. Lots of being smacked, hair pulled, pushed, shaken and that sort of stuff though.

There was a weird sexual undertone to many of the punishments, that seems to have messed me up pretty badly.

I still say the verbal and emotional abuse was the worse. Man were my parents good at it to. I've still yet to hear people scream as loud as they could.

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#185 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 02:23 AM
 
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I was spanked regularly, not abused. I struggle with the urge to spank my own children.

ditto, it is the worst part of being spanked to me is the anger=violence cycle it creates. It is hard to break but i WILL do it so this cycle can die with me
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#186 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 02:41 AM
 
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I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon -- sometimes it was broken over my bottom. It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.
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#187 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 12:36 PM
 
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nak...so please excuse typos

This is a little OT, but this thread really reminded me of one of my professors from college (Cultural Anthropology--Bob Dentan) who is pretty well known for his work with the Semai (a non-violent people from Malasia) and one of the major parts of his work was about how they don't punish their children. I would assume someone on here knows about them, but for those of you who don't, you may want to read about them, it's interesting. (okay, well, I didn't read his work since I got it straight from the source... but I assume he writes as well as he speaks) But anyway, the Semai never force their children to do something that they don't want to, because their children have their own will.

Dentan spent a lot of time with us talking about how "children aren't people" culturally, and the example he used was that "That's why it's okay to hit them. You would never hit another adult, or treat them as poorly as you do your child." But I guess when he brought up spanking to the Semai, they didn't understand what good it was supposed to do, and he noted that after a child said they didn't want to do something, and the parent recognized that it was within their right to do that, eventually, they got up and did it, because "children want to do good things and generally want to please their parents". He also spoke of how, if you pay a little attention to children they will generally want to keep you happy, because generally society ignores children completely...because they aren't people.

Sorry for the long post, but this post reminded me that there are cultures of the world (not many, that's why the Semai are so noteworthy)that view children as people, and whatever is "necessary" about spanking and punishment certainly isn't universally accepted (on a cultural level). Dentan speculates that, at least here in America, we spank because we want children to fear us, because it's easier to control children (or anyone, really)that way. : I still remember his confusion at why you would want your child to fear you! However, as a culture, the idea that you don't have to forcibly control your children is just remarkable.


So, long story short, good for you for seeing spanking as abusive, and recognizing your children as people by not treating them as lesser than that!

Mama of two... DS born at 35w5d (11/06) and DD : born full term 38w3d (5/09) on what would have been my dad's 64th birthday. Always missing my dad who died of oral cancer 3/11/09.
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#188 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 01:09 PM
 
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lexmas, thank you for sharing that information. I'm going to look into it!! Consider checking out our website about living consensually, even with children. It is in my sig line. In our family, no one has to do anything they don't want to do.

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#189 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 01:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Nimbus View Post
I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon .... It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.
Yes, I voted regularly but not abusive...I was spanked with an open hand, wooden spoon, spatula/whatever kitchen utensil that was 'appropriate', and a belt (often).
I still don't feel abused, I love my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them; however when I really think about it, man, that's pretty nasty...a leather belt?? Sheesh, if anybody did that to my kids I'd never see or speak to them again! I'd quite probably report them to the police for abuse as well.
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#190 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 01:36 PM
 
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abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.
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#191 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 02:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.
I'm sorry you've been run off in the past, candipooh. I've seen it happen in other forums for other reasons. We should be here to help and support each other, not to judge. Otherwise we do run the risk of becoming our parents and reverting back to how we were raised (I'm at my worst when I'm acting like my mother).

I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger (and the not-so-attractive behaviors that come from it). While I've never hit my child, I struggle all the time with my anger that comes from the abuse I received (physical and, especially, emotional). I'd love to swap ideas for how to quiet those feelings. I think that this thread right here suggests that there's a need for it.

Kelly
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#192 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 08:10 PM
 
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I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger


Thank you.

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#193 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 08:36 PM
 
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I was spanked often with a wooden spoon or hairbrush. In the past I have never considered it abuse, but if I did it to my kids I would consider it abuse.......

ND
Yeah...that's how I feel too.

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#194 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 08:58 PM
 
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I was going to say yes to regularly, but not abuse, until I had my own kids, and started to remember. My mom would deny, but I would say what she did to me was abuse. The only time she hit us was in a rage. And usually with things. The last time she did it I was 16, I was bigger than her, and she hit me with an open umbrella several time. We were going to family therapy at the time. I told the counselor, who told my mom that if she did it again, she would report her. The story of my childhood is longer than this, but I feel like I was physically and emotionally abused. I have issues with spanking our kids. I hate spanking, but have spanked my daughter 2-3 times. I hate myself for it.:

OT- My mom has changed a lot, and has admitted to not being the greatest mom. I know she would never spank my kids, but I still have trust issues with her. It's a difficult road.

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#195 of 206 Old 03-07-2007, 11:41 PM
 
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There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

"Parenting and Rage": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

"My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat

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#196 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 01:27 AM
 
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Wow. I don't like looking at all the abuse voted... unfortunatley, I voted it also. Seeing as there were multiple instances of belts and welts, hair dragging, and doubled up fist or open handed face slapping, I can't really get around it. Of course, he would say that I deserved it, it must have been my fault for disrespecting him....

Yeah right. That's called an anger problem.

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#197 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 09:56 AM
 
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There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

"Parenting and Rage": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

"My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat
Thanks for finding these threads.
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#198 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 01:29 PM
 
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Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated. No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.


Pat

I agree. It makes me so sad to hear people saying they "deserved" to be hit. No one deserves to have her/his body violated. We even have laws against hitting adult prisoners for "misbehaving" (in the absence of self-defense). Why would a child be more deserving of violence than a convicted murderer/rapist, etc? She/he isn't.
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#199 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 01:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.

I am sorry you were run off in the past. This forum exists to help people discipline gently and I think you absolutely belong here if you struggle with that and have the courage and desire to change. I hope you get nothing but support and good advice and that you stick around. Hopefully the threads WuWei posted will be helpful to you. We are all here to help, not judge. The only people who aren't welcome here are those who insist on rationalizing/defending/celebrating violence against children.
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#200 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 01:33 PM
 
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yes
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#201 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 03:07 PM
 
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I voted 1-4, but really my mother only slapped (probably her flat hand on my clothed bottom--I don't remember it) me once and she says I was so devastated that she never considered doing it again. My sister was slapped a couple more times, but it was definitely not a "parenting tool" in our house.

A few days ago outside my ds's preschool I was talking to a couple of mothers about some struggles my ds and I had been having recently, and was stunned to find that two of the three women recommended I hit him. I stayed pretty calm and just said I didn't feel that was right, but I am still amazed.
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#202 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 03:14 PM
 
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It's interesting to note that some posters say they were spanked but not abused. If you spanked your child today, would others consider it abuse? Would you?

(I'm genuinely curious, not trying to make someone feel attacked for their perspective.)
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#203 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 06:41 PM
 
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It's interesting to note that some posters say they were spanked but not abused. If you spanked your child today, would others consider it abuse? Would you?

(I'm genuinely curious, not trying to make someone feel attacked for their perspective.)
KaraBoo, I believe that abuse is in the eye of the beholder, that we can not judge that for another. I believe that an inescapable atmosphere of fear and intimidation creates an atmosphere of disempowerment, from my own personal experience. Does it serve some purpose to call it abuse? I prefer to focus on what we can work toward, so that all needs are heard, considered, and addressed, without fear or threats. Learning these new tools of interaction need models of a different way. One can not parent differently than they experienced, if you've never known or learned another way. We do what we know.

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#204 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 07:10 PM
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Yep I was spanked with the leathe belt, wooden paddle, oh and sometimes a switch. I was spanked alot but i dont feel i was abused. However I will never spank my child
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#205 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 07:38 PM
 
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Yes, and it's taken me 20+ years to admit (process process process) that is was abuse. A lot of emotional abuse (from name calling to cold shoulder to actual neglect), almost daily physical contact (I shirk from my mom even today). It isn't the worst story I've ever heard, but it's taken me half my life to process it and begin to heal myself. Having kids is SO HARD. It brings up all those moments (hey - I never got away with that kind of thing!), and my kids can push my buttons faster and better than anyone (other than my brothers lol!). VERY tough.

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#206 of 206 Old 03-08-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mavery View Post

A few days ago outside my ds's preschool I was talking to a couple of mothers about some struggles my ds and I had been having recently, and was stunned to find that two of the three women recommended I hit him. I stayed pretty calm and just said I didn't feel that was right, but I am still amazed.
:
Wow.

I can't even imagine someone recommending we hit our children... I guess I think it's a dirty little secret, something people do that they aren't nec. proud of, that most semi-sane people would never openly and cheerfully admit, much less proscribe to another!
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