beyond attachment parenting - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: which of these parenting practices do you follow?
my children eat what they want, when they want. i encourage healthy choices but let them have the final say 160 100.00%
my children go to bed when they are tired. i do not set a bedtime, even tho i want conscious time to myself at night 155 100.00%
i don't punish/gently discipline my child. i view anti-social behavior as a symptom of an unmet need/frustration and attempt to meet the need and brainstorm w/my child other ways of getting her need met in the future 123 100.00%
i don't make my child say please, thank you or i'm sorry, but i talk alot about how helpful these words are in our social intercourse 112 100.00%
if i cannot convince my children to brush their teeth through playful means, i try again at night, the next morning. i never force it 98 100.00%
i do not forcibly bathe my children, brush their hair or make them change their clothes, no matter how much i may cringe at their appearance. 103 100.00%
if they do not want to go to the park/disneyland/grandma's house, and i can't convince them it's in their best interest we do not go. i don't buy tix to such outings without getting their okay 113 100.00%
ditto for running errands. i get a babysitter or dh to watch them if i don't think we can get through the errand without running into a conflict 97 100.00%
if my child wants a treat on an outing/errand, i don't say no "on principle". I may negotiate a less expensive treat if necessary 175 100.00%
i don't force my child to go to routine dr or dentist visits. if roleplaying doesn't alleviate fears, we put off the appt. 77 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 10. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 01:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i've run into a few parents IRL who co sleep, extended breast feed and practice other forms of attachment parenting, but i have found almost no one who has researched or chosen to follow more than one or two parenting choices similar to the ones i have listed above for older children.
i'm surprised that these aren't more widely embraced because they arose for me as a natural extension of the attachment parenting that i found and decided to follow. and i'm wondering if they are practiced more widely here at MDC.
what other conscious parenting choices have you made?
if you haven't chosen any of these, why? have you considered and rejected them for particular reasons? just looking for inspiration and some insights...
susan

edited to add: after reading the poll over, i felt compelled to qualify that these are parenting *ideals* that i strive for. all too often i find that my conditioning rises up and takes over and i cringe at the conflict i've just created with my children! but i'm working hard to improve my ability to observe my anger/frustration/worry about what others may think and to not automatically act on it....
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#2 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 02:44 AM
 
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I can't vote b/c my DD is still a baby (pretty much).

I'm also going to move this to the Gentle Discipline forum, b/c it seems to me that it basically covers discipline and relating to your child, which would be better suited to that forum (I also think you'll get alot of really thoughtful posts there!).

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#3 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 02:54 AM
 
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Hey Susan, It's been a while!

I voted for most, again, being my ideal. I do not say no on principal ever, I think about it before I answer, and always tell her why I reached my decision...ie:Yes you can because...or I don't think it's such a good idea because...yadda yadda
THere are some choices I didn't vote for, because they've never been an issue. Soleil is always up for errands, and teeth brushing was just never a problem. So, i'm not sure about those ones.
Bedtime depends on her, but I do step in when I KNOW she's exausted, and fighting it...but I do it gently, we still co-sleep, though she's moving into her own room next week.
I am pg, and find that my patience I always had is pretty much gone. I'm really hoping that will change once the baby comes, but Soleil and I talk about it a lot, and though I do not put the blame on the baby per say, I let her know my tiredness is temporary.
The fact that she's been the only child for so long, helps, our bond is extreme, she's never had to fight for my attention, and has been wanting a sibling for a year, and is eager to have a sister or brother, she's willingly given up her spot in our bed, to accomodate the babe, though she's mentionned the babe may want to share her bed instead!
All in all, I do agree with your poll, I try to be mindful, and feel that the more freedom I give her to make her own choices, the better off she'll be as an adult..some say I'm too layed back, but, to each their own.

Peace,
Mamasoleil
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#4 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 04:51 AM
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I couldn't really answer the poll, because a lot of what I believe was ind of what the poll was saying but also different. I don't punish. Discipline is a whole 'nother story - discipline is teaching. And I guess the impression I got from the poll was of someone who didnt ever really take a stand on issues, and I do take a stand. Bathing, for instance - I don't like stinkiness. If Rain choses to wear leather clogs without socks on hot days, then I protest loudly when she takes them off in the car because it really smells. I have the right to not be stuck in a stinky car. I don't interfere in things that don't affect me, but for things that do, I get an equal say...

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#5 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 08:09 AM
 
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sueami

I have to agree with you. Im surprised too in my life, both here and on forums that the boxes i ticked (all of them), are not as common as maybe I thought.
To each there own, but if Im honest I wish it were different

Of course I have my bad days and this is fine. Biggest gift I figure is to be in all of my humaness in a conscious way and be able to own it, forgive it and relish in it!

I work at being clear on boundaries. I love that ds will clearly state when his are violated.

Kid takes ds's toy/shovel whatever, he says "I am NOT ok with that!"
(he also wallops em on his bad days )
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#6 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 09:03 AM
 
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I think I agree with the sentiments behind most of these, but not the assumption that if I parent by finding out what makes my child also happy (no shampoo, pick thier own bedtime, ect.) That the only option is to hurt my self (want time to myself in the evening, cringe at thier apperance, ect.)

I do parent so that the first part of those statements is almost always met, but there are many ways I can also meet my own needs. Our boys pick thier own bed times, but if we want some couple time/alone time we can do that too (make out in the closet playing hide'n'go seek, go to bed in the dark and they will stay away until they are ready to sleep, one parent will take over and give the other a break, ect.)

Quote:
Bathing, for instance - I don't like stinkiness.
Yes, you can make your own descions about when you get in the tub, but I can decide not to repeatedly snuggle/nurse someone who is so stinky. So far we haven't really had any bathtime struggles, although they often don't shampoo for weeks.

So although I agree that everyone should be able to make their own decision about what they eat, when they sleep, when they wash, I don't think that anyone should repeatedly make sacrifices either. Your freedom ends where mine begins. And I don't think that letting them do what ever they want with no care to anyone else is really helping them in the long run.
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#7 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 10:28 AM
 
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I agree with Mallory.

I think that it is important for kids to realize that there are consequences for different behaviours. If my kids choose not to brush their teeth, for example, there would be no even SEMI-sweet treats in the house for a long time, you know? I have a responsibility as a parent to protect them from themselves, at times. (while still allowing them freedom to make choices...I just think that when bad choices are made, it is good for kids to experience the negative consequences).

And sometimes the negative consequence is, as Mallory said, a mom who doesn't want to do certain things.

I want my kids to grow up making decisions that take the feelings/needs of other people into account. It seems to me that the above list makes clear that the parent is taking the child's needs/feelings into account, which I think is great. But I feel that that needs to go both ways (i.e., the child also needs to be helped to consider other people and their feelings...as well as potential problems the child will cause him/herself with some of these choices)

Not sure why I didn't just stop with 'I agree with Mallory'!
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#8 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 12:34 PM
 
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Wow, I could not vote for a single one of these without qualification. I never make my kids eat anything they don't want, but meal times and snack times are met.

I GD but don't punish. I think that it is important to do certain things because of others. You HAVE to visit grandma, even if you don't want to.

I do believe that for society to function as a whole we must do things we do not want to do.

I think that is sometimes important to say you are sorry, even if you don't feel it. If you can't do this, there are many jobs you better not even consider.

Of course a few people can get along without this. But if everybody did, our society would be even worse.
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#9 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 12:51 PM
 
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Quote:
which of these parenting practices do you follow?
my children eat what they want, when they want. i encourage healthy choices but let them have the final say
This is extremely important to me. I watch other parents threaten and coerce their children to eat and it saddens me. Even as infants I left it up to them when they wanted to drink/eat etc.
I find I am VERY alone on this one. I try to have mostly healthy choices for them with special occasions where there are junk food treats.

Quote:
my children go to bed when they are tired. i do not set a bedtime, even tho i want conscious time to myself at night
I am parenting alone most bedtimes so I cut myself some slack. I usually parent them to sleep even though they are school age. Once in a while if I resent it I ask them to fall asleep alone but check on them frequently. Most nights I want to sleep when they do but sometimes I feel the need to stay up later and I do.

One of my children must go to bed earlier than she likes or she will be cranky the next day because of school time. When they were not in school yet I was extremely flexible about when and where they slept.
Quote:
i don't punish/gently discipline my child. i view anti-social behavior as a symptom of an unmet need/frustration and attempt to meet the need and brainstorm w/my child other ways of getting her need met in the future
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Again something I feel isolated about sometimes even in LLL circles.

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i don't make my child say please, thank you or i'm sorry, but i talk alot about how helpful these words are in our social intercourse
Ooh you have given me an a ha moment! I never do it with please and thank you but I DOOOO ask them gently to say sorry sometimes! I find that if I say these words to them in every day life then they will say it to others. Modeling.

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if I cannot convince my children to brush their teeth through playful means, i try again at night, the next morning. i never force it
I did have power struggles about this. I never pushed one child who hated it and then she ended up with cavities...more cavities than sibling who was happy to be brushed. Having fillings filled is much worse than brushing trauma-wise and it was a teachable moment......she didn't brush, it hurt more later. So yes, I am bossy about teeth now.

Quote:
i do not forcibly bathe my children, brush their hair or make them change their clothes, no matter how much i may cringe at their appearance.
I can't fully say yes to this, however I find I bathe my kids less than some moms and am more casual about appearance than some moms. I encourage a good splash in a mud puddle and some moms certainly do not.

Quote:
do not want to go to the park/disneyland/grandma's house, and i can't convince them it's in their best interest we do not go. i don't buy tix to such outings without getting their okay
They are usually eager to go on any outing. I certainly am aware of not overscheduling and overwhelming them.

Quote:
ditto for
running errands. i get a babysitter or dh to watch them if i don't think we can get through the errand without running into a conflict
Yes, often, but a frustrating lack of help can derail these intentions. If dh is at work and we MUST have toilet paper then we have sad kids in the car sometimes. I try to keep my cool and say "I know you don't want to do this, but we are out of_________ " but am not perfect.

Quote:
child wants a treat on an outing/errand, i don't say no "on principle". I may negotiate a less expensive treat if necessary
Yes.
I don't say yes or no on principle, but due to the bank balance or lack thereof....and I say yes often at yard sales...cheap and fun!
Actually I often say no simply because relatives have given them SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many toys but they are thrilled by tiny items. And seasonally we go through and I ask the child to discard unwanted toys and clothes. I leave the decisions mostly but not 100% to them.

Quote:
I don't force my child to go to routine dr or dentist visits. if roleplaying doesn't alleviate fears, we put off the appt.
This I do not agree with.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#10 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 04:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you to all who have replied so far. it's been very interesting and helpful to me on a couple of levels. of course, i feel heartened to know that i am not alone, for those of you who indicated you parent in similar ways. and for those who disagree with these approaches, it's very helpful to me to understand why they don't make sense to you. i find that in taking such a less-traveled parenting path, for my own peace of mind i need to learn to judge less and be more accepting of the many, many parents around me who are doing things differently.
warmly,
susan
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#11 of 244 Old 06-02-2003, 08:27 PM
 
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Carolyn, I knew were were Alter Ego's !
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#12 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 06:49 PM
 
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What a wonderful poll. I have wondered about the popularity of these very "ideals" here as I too have been surprised at the seemingly overall rarity of them on mothering and anywhere else IRL for that matter.

I checked yes to each of the "ideals" without hesitation. It was as if I had written them. Like you said in the initial question, these ideals are for me a natural extention of attachment parenting.

I assume that my children, by their very nature, are inately social and considerate humans. I don't outright "teach" them things---they learn by example.

Of course we have our bad moments, but these are ideals...and ones that i feel passionately about and always strive for.

Interestingly some people criticize this type of parenting as "lazy" or "easy" which i find laughable! it reminds me of the parents who let their baby cry it out who accuse those of us who would never let our babies cry it out as doing the "easy" thing by tending to our child's needs. kwim?

sueami, you are not alone. and thanks for this thread!
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#13 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 08:12 PM
 
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My child is too young for many of these to apply yet, but the few that I hesitated on were with a qualification.

Regarding eating, yes, ds eats what he wants when he wants. I don't force anything on him. Yet if you were to spy on me, it might seem as if I am cajoling him. What I have to do is keep asking him if wants a bite as he is playing. If he says no or ignores me, I let it go. But this particular little guy gets so wrapped up in what he's doing that he forgets all about eating, and then we get in the car and he's asking for food. At that point all I have are crackers or raisins or nuts. Which is fine, but then he fills up on that and doesn't eat anything else. I used to carry beans and cooked broccoli and such with me, but it ends up mushed all over him and carseat, and stinking up the car. So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I encourage him to eat, but I don't force it.

Regarding struggles about getting dressed - yes, there are times that I have had to fight him on this. But it's not usually because his clothes are dirty and I want him to look clean. I mean, I do, and if he lets me I will change dirty clothes, but sometimes he is naked or just wearing a shirt, and we need to go out, so he needs to get dressed, which he doesn't want to do. We have had some diaper changing struggles too, but I won't let him sit in a poopy diaper just because he doesn't want it changed. Sometimes I have to do what I know is best for him.

Which leads to me to my next thought, about not forcing them on outings. I am of two minds about this - I understand the point about not forcing them into situations that they don't want to be in, but then I'm not really a big fan of being held hostage in the house all day with a whiny, bored toddler. He may resist getting dressed and getting into the car, but he always enjoys being out once we get going.
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#14 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 08:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by oceanbaby
But this particular little guy gets so wrapped up in what he's doing that he forgets all about eating, and then we get in the car and he's asking for food. At that point all I have are crackers or raisins or nuts. Which is fine, but then he fills up on that and doesn't eat anything else. I used to carry beans and cooked broccoli and such with me, but it ends up mushed all over him and carseat, and stinking up the car.


This used to happen to us until we just started saying that "meal time is over, we will have a snack later." When they realize they aren't going to be doled out food over the course of a day, they start paying alot more attention to mealtime and as a result eat MUCH healthier. I don't refuse food to be mean. But I have found regular meal time and regualar PLANNED snacks are much better.
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#15 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 09:23 PM
 
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Totally Off Topic, but:

Quote:
I don't refuse food to be mean. But I have found regular meal time and regualar PLANNED snacks are much better.
I disagree (not that I think you're being mean, just that I think toddlers should eat when they are hungry, whether or not it is snack or mealtime.)
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#16 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 10:06 PM
 
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I completely agree with the overall principle of what you are saying and I voted yes on most of these things. If you haven't been to the unschooling boards, definitely go, because pretty much everyone there agrees with these statements, and I have learned so much from them. In practice, I'd say our good days are like this, but we have a lot of bad days.

I have one thing that bothers me about this, and it is most evident in the question about bringing children to Disneyworld, the park, or grandma's house.

Disneyworld would be a trip for the children. If they don't want to go, of course I wouldn't go (I probably wouldn't go anyway, but that's another thread). The park is usually for the children, but sometimes I really need a trip to the park. If I need that trip and they aren't excited about it, then we have to work it out. Sometimes I surrender to them, but sometimes they go along with me (and having more than one child makes that an even harder thing to compromise on). And trips to Grandma's are rarely about the children, usually more about the grandmothers and us, the parents. If my dh has agreed to visit his parents and the kids dont' want to (IRL they always do want to) I CANNOT keep them home. I HATE going to my in-law's parents, but it is one of those obligations I have to fulfill, and I couldn't keep my children out of that obligation either, unless there was any sort of physical or major emotional risk to them. Luckily they love going there.

Waiting for my husband to come home so I can go to the store is a MAJOR inconvenience to me and the family. When my children are going through stages where they truly hate it, then I make some concessions, but there are times they are just going to have to come.

Then there are times when what one child needs or wants is different from what the other child needs or wants. For example, my six-year-old is at a point where she really thrives on getting out and doing things with other children and is miserable staying at home all the time, but my 4-year-old is a serious homebody who hates playing with other children and hates watching her sister do so. Am I supposed to stay home all the time for my 4-year-old? I don't think so. I arrange things so that they both get their needs met and some of their wants met, but they have to compromise for each other, and for me. Right now our compromise is that when my 6-year-old has a class or a playdate, my 4-year-old goes to my mother's house, and she is happier there, but she would still rather be home.

I think these ideals are wonderful in general, but I don't believe life should be spent tiptoeing around one's children. I believe more in family-centeredness than child-centeredness, and there are times when what is best for the family as a whole is not what the child wants.
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#17 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 10:12 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that these ideals do seem, to a certain extent, to be natural extensions of AP to me, and I am always surprised by how few AP parents go this way.

So many attachment parents are extremely anti-television, for example, and make huge efforts to keep their children from watching television, even once they are at a point where they feel different and uncomfortable because they are not familiar with some of the things their classmates are familiar with. It seems to me that denying their child television at that point is actually detachment parenting. It is denying the child's true feelings for the parent's own ideals.

This is one example, but it goes on and on. Food, chores, bedtime, school -- examples come up in all these areas and more.
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#18 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 10:15 PM
 
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Well, I would have to say none of the above. I feel that I am very in tune with the needs and moods of my children. I also *know* that I have way more information at my disposal than they do. I know they would stay up until 11 or 12 when they drop from pure exhaustion and be miserable and cranky for the next couple of days. So, I set their bedtime. It is not 8 o'clock SHARP by any stretch, but I know they need to be asleep around 9ish in order to be well-rested. This is not only a question of mood but also their health.

I feed them when they're hungry. I have set meal/snack times (breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner and bedtime snack). Yes, they occasionally have junk food. Even with that, I try to pick the better choice (organic, etc.). I love my children, I don't want them living off junk. (Not implying anyone else doesn't love their children.) And, I don't think they're informed enough to make the decision to choose carrots over chocolate. I also think that what they learn now will be habits that stay with them.

I do physical activity with them every day. This isn't optional (not really argued against) because this is something else that is good for their growing bodies and developing minds.

If we are going visiting, we go. If I make plans with someone, I consider it rude if they don't show because they just didn't feel like it when the time came. I think that we have obligations to people. It drives me crazy that BIL has no problem showing up for his bday dinner but rarely makes the effort for anyone else's. No one is an island.

I don't make my children apologize or say please and thank you, but I think they should and I encourage it and model it.

I believe cleanliness and hygiene are important for future health and I will not let them opt out of baths or shampoos or teethbrushing.

I make a point of making sure they don't get a treat on every outing. That's not real life. And, I think it sets up unrealistic expectations.

I am not criticizing anyone's parenting choices, but I will say that if someone's children took their liberties to the extremes of this poll, they could end up filthy and sick and appear to outsiders as victims of neglect. I don't doubt that it is hard to stick to. I imagine it takes a lot of effort. But, my question for you that do parent this way, is how do you think such parenting prepares your child for interacting as part of a community?

Peace.
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#19 of 244 Old 06-03-2003, 11:03 PM
 
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Quote:
I am not criticizing anyone's parenting choices, but I will say that if someone's children took their liberties to the extremes of this poll, they could end up filthy and sick and appear to outsiders as victims of neglect. I don't doubt that it is hard to stick to. I imagine it takes a lot of effort. But, my question for you that do parent this way, is how do you think such parenting prepares your child for interacting as part of a community?
Well my children are young (2 and 3), so things like they can eat what ever they want is really limited to what is in our kitchen, and the rare times that we have anything sweet in there, if they choose to eat that, it is okay with me, I feel that by making those foods forbidden or treats that is worse then just considering them foods (of course if all you eat for dinner is cookies and at 7:30 you are an emotional mess, I will point out that bodies need better fuel to run thier best).

But I also believe that my children really will get all the sleep they need, and so far baths or bed time has not been a problem. (of course occasionally one will stay up pretty late, but I stay up late sometimes too). I do think the teethbrushing is a bit more important (as if you don't brush your teeth there really is a health threat, but we occasionally skip it, and most of the time we really have no problems. None of us are big on soap, and I don't feel like I am an unfunctioning member of society if I don't wash my hair all week.

For the most part I just go along making the descions, I pick whats for dinner, I get out the clothes, I get everyone ready for bed, I fill up the tub, and so on and so on. I don't think most of us are saying that we just wait for our children to ask to go to bed, brush thier teeth ect. I think we just go along doing our mommy stuff, but when there is a conflict, we really take the time to figure out what are children are saying or need before we continue with the shampoo, apple slices, trip to grandma's. Sometimes I think they have a valid point, sometimes they can see that I have a valid point and sometimes I say this has to be done anyway.


sueami (and others of you who agree with everything on the poll) do you know about TCS? It is not supposed to be discused here but I don't think I am out of line by pointing you in the direction of the archives (just do a search for TCS) if you are interested. (Moderator if this is not okay please feel free to erase this last paragraph.)
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#20 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 12:06 AM
 
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(I checked them all) (re oncewerewise's question)

Bedtime, eating, drinking, brushing teeth, bath time, hair brushing,....turn into "issues" the second that they're made into issues. Since these things are not forced or turned into big issues in our home they're just not a big deal. It's just stuff we do (and are blessed to do so).

Sure, some nights are late...sometimes (like last night) we eat desert first...sometimes teeth go unbrushed...sometimes we don't get to run an errand...sometimes we rearrange our plans....but this is very rare, we roll with it and move on.

Parenting this way is not always convenient, but certainly worth it in the long run. Like Mallory wrote, I just go along with my "mommy" stuff and if something comes up then rather than push the issue I take the time to try and figure out what's really going on---the emotions behind the behavior.

My dds naturally enjoy and seek out healthy food over junk. They usually ask to go to bed at a decent hour each night. They use manners including apologizing even though I've never instructed them to do so. We're all very clean both in body and in our home. (I am only noting these things to say that you can very much parent this way without being a dirty and rude family as some might assume it would produce)

Again, I see children as being naturally social...they want to please...to fit in to their family/community. There is an underlying sense of peace and trust in our family which instills in them the values and emotional health that make them a wonderful asset to any community.
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#21 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 08:55 AM
 
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I checked off about half of them. It was kinda hard to do, cause I don't actually *see* the items happening or not, it is just how our life goes. I don't conciensously do any of the things on the list or NOT do any of the things on the list. The food one, my kids need to at least try everything before they can have something else. I'm willing to give something else (usually just pb sandwhich, I'm NOT a short-order chef) but they at least need to try what is given to them. Many times after they try it, they end up just eating it.

I do make sure my dd's hair is combed, it has to be. She is almost 4 and has never had a haircut in her life. Her hair is down to her butt, and if I didn't comb it on a daily basis I would end up chopping it off. Sometimes she fights it sometimes not, the days she fights it I try to do it as quick as I can...it may not be perfect but just enough to keep it from getting snarled up.

The kids stay up until mom and dad go to bed. Sometimes they go to bed earlier, but that is usually when mom and dad are staying up late and they end up just falling asleep on the couch.

My kids love baths and to brush their teeth, so no big deal there. We sometimes skip a brushing, and we don't always wash hair.

I'm forgetting what some of the other points are, so I'll type more later.

(I'm wondering why we are not supposed to talk about TCS here?)

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#22 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 09:36 AM
 
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(I'm wondering why we are not supposed to talk about TCS here?)
If you search for TCS here you can find out the whole saga, but basically it is because this a board about gentle discipline people come here to look for ways to get their children to do things in a respectful way and TCS advocates no discipline, never making a child do something against their will.
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#23 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 12:27 PM
 
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Momtwice

Pretty much I could have written your post. However, Alexa is right in that qualifications are (sometimes) needed. The choice in each question often provides for 2 options, where a third might easily be available. Difficult.

Where I have not checked the boxes is where it involves health and safety. We might HAVE to visit the doctor. We have had the need a couple of times, but the kids are very keen to get there (our propaganda ) and we must brush teeth.

Resistance to this is met with the "let's brush teeth" techniques I've often described in the toddler threads.

To tell the truth, the kids bathe, they want to. We are so relaxed about everything else, or do something as a group in such a way that they want to take part very eagerly. Even going to bed early (9:30 pm) is done happily.

a

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#24 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 12:52 PM
 
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Originally posted by Mallory
but basically it is because this a board about gentle discipline
Now now, no it isn't. There was not the manpower to mod.


Quote:
Originally posted by Mallory
people come here to look for ways to get their children to do things in a respectful way and TCS advocates no discipline, never making a child do something against their will.
Mallory
With the greatest respect, this could have two meanings. What you have just typed implies

1) that people looking to GD are for ways to get (force) their children to be more respectful

2) That people are looking to GD in order to learn how to be respectful of children.

If it the former, then I am deeply disappointed.

If it is the latter, then the implication is that TCS is not a subset of GD, and while I'm not an advocate of TCS, I would have to say that one of the most important principles (of TCS) advocated is that discipline comes fom within the child. Therefore, with the greatest of respect, I suggest that your statement is mis-leading.

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#25 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:19 PM
 
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Well, I don't really fit on any of these because I think there are compromises. I do let my daughter eat what she wants and when she wants, to a point. Yes, Ice Cream for breakfast is okay but she can not have only ice cream all day and only eat ice cream.

We do practice GD in our family. Oddly enough my daughter asks for time outs. We never did them until she asked for them. Time Outs here are done by request and she can come out when she's ready. She seems to know that she's too emotional and needs to be alone to calm down. Now, I do this when I see I am being unreasonable with her, so maybe that's where she's learned it from. Yes, time outs are for parents too.

We are learning manners here. That is something my husband and I feel very strongly about. I see the loss of manners as a major problem in society today. While I was pregnant and riding public transit I was offered a seat twice. We don't yell at her or berate her is sfe doesn't remember, but we do point it out and such.

I only force bathing once a week, and hair every other week. The bathing she's okay with, the hair washing she's not. I don't really know what to do about the hair washing because I have tried everything and none of it has worked. It's only the rinsing part she hates, too.

Well, if it's something fun that Annabelle does not want to go to then we don't. She has no choice about errands, though. I can't drive yet so we have to go with my Mom and I am a somewhat single Mom. I don't have the money to hire a babysitter. We try asd keep errands to a minimum and throw in fun stuff in the errands.

Treats - well, it depends on a lot of things. If she wants a sweet she gets one a day. No chocolate after noon and no caffeine at all. If it's a thing it depends on the thing. If it's something I would normally let her have, and I have the money and it's not near a birthday or gift giving holiday then I might. It all really depends on the situation. I'm a sucker for books and Annabelle has not figured this out yet.

We haven't had a fear of doctors or dentists so far, so the last question is a non-issue. Annabelle is *very* healthy, so we haven't had to go in for her being sick.
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#26 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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deleting many multiple posts!
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#27 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ditto
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#28 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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sheesh. i guess this is one way to up one's post count...
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#29 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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okay, why did i keep getting a website not responding page when it was in fact, posting my reply over and over and over!
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#30 of 244 Old 06-04-2003, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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okay, almost done cleaning up my virtual explosion!
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