Mothering Forum banner

sharing question at a friends house

490 views 8 replies 7 participants last post by  mamaduck 
#1 ·
i have a friend with a 24month old and i have a 12 month old and 4.5 year old. we like to get together to play but are wondering how to handle it if we are at her house and her 24 month old doesn't understand sharing and doesn't want to "share" or part with his toys. he constantly wants whatever my kids are playing with. well...they are his toys, so he doesn' t "have" to share...my 4 yr old is willing to keep giving up what she's playing with (though I don't feel she should have to) but I find it extremely unfair to allow him to continually take whatever my 12 mo. old finds....I guess the problem is that they are technically HIS toys, so he's got ownership rights. I'm not going to keep my 1 year old in my lap the whole time we're over there.

any ideas? what do you do?
sarah
 
#2 ·
We're in almost the exact opposite situation! I have a 29-month-old and we have friends with a 4.5yo and a 15-month-old. We typically get together at their house, so all the toys belong to their kids, but thankfully the parents still use sharing rules regardless of who the toys belong to -- if someone is playing with something, the other 2 kids have to wait their turn, and no one is allowed to grab anything out of anyone else's hand. The 4.5yo does have a few special toys that he doesn't want to share, and that's totally fine -- his mom just has him put those toys away in his room so that they're not available for the littler ones to play with.

When we have their kids over to our house, I talk with my DS beforehand about how we share toys with our friends when they come to visit, and I give him the option of putting away anything he doesn't want them to play with (usually he just picks his special teddy bear to put away).

Is your friend open to that idea? What does she do when her DS takes toys away from your kids?
 
#3 ·
my friend is open to anything--we're both trying to figure this out together. typically she'll tell her son who has just taken back his block (or whatever) that he needs to trade with my son...however, my ds has just recently started becoming attached to whatever he's playing with so making a trade just so my ds still has a toy isn't fair anymore. he'll cry when his toy is taken away.

sometimes she'll tell him to give it back and that it's ok for my ds to have that toy because he wasn't playing with it. the only problem is that her ds is very strong-willed and has the tendency to have a total meltdown if things don't go his way....if this happens, it's just no fun for anyone and sometimes we just have to leave....and then throw in that we agree with not MAKING the kids share their toys.

I figure if we have a plan and set it in motion, as long as we believe in what we're doing, then it's kind of just too bad how the kids respond because these are the sharing rules.

I'm just curious too, what you all think about me offering up the idea of her teaching her son that some of their toys aren't just HIS, that some of their toys are for friends too (and their new baby due in may)...because the blocks will be the baby's too after it's born, so not just her ds's anymore....maybe that's far fetched, just a thought.

sarah
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mamatoady View Post
they are his toys, so he doesn't "have" to share
Going back to this part of your first post. I guess we just don't believe that here -- I mean, isn't that what sharing is, letting someone else use your stuff? DS doesn't think that he can take his toys out of someone else's hand (that doesn't mean he doesn't do that sometimes, but he accepts it when we remind him about the rule). Maybe implementing that rule would work for you guys, since your friend is willing to work with you?

I was going to say could your kids bring some toys with them, but that would invite a whole other set of problems, I think. What happens when you guys play at your house?

There are also some interesting replies related to this in the "Do you make your toddler share" thread in this forum.
 
#5 ·
My son is 24 months, and it can certainly be a tough age for this kind of thing. I don't have any ideas for your older child, but I would certainly bring some toys along for your younger one that are just his, in case the 2-yo won't share anything that day. Your daughter can at least understand what is going on, whereas your 1-yo just can't get it yet.
 
#6 ·
I try not to put DD in situations where she is being put under pressure to share. Not always easy but...

Anyway when we have children round we get out playdough, crayons and paper or something like that. Otherwise we tend to meet up in neutral places where toys aren't needed.

I like the idea of bringing a few toys with you so the sharing goes both ways, or alternating which house you meet at.
 
#7 ·
This conversation reminds me of a sign I saw and copied so I remembered it.

You can take it or leave it. Most little tots dont really understand sharing etc until older anyhow. Also, since the 24 mo old is a first child, he has no reason to share at this point. I remember playdates at this age and even all the way until age 3 or so. Its hard for a child to watch someone else touch their stuff and manipulate it differently than they would or just touch it. We always put certain things away before people come over so its not an issue as much. But as time goes on, it will pass.

Toddler Property Laws

1.If it's in my hand, it's mine.

2.If I like it, it's mine.

3.If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4.If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5.If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6.If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7.If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8.If I saw it first, it's mine.

9.If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10.If it's broken, it's yours!
 
#8 ·
Amys1st - I saw a 2 year old wearing a similar t-shirt today - shorter - there were only 4 laws, but same thing. It was so cute.

Back on topic, if you're always playing at his house, I think it would be a good idea to bring along a couple of toys to share with him as well. The novelty of the other toy may be enough to keep him from taking his toys back, and it will help to demonstrate that everyone is sharing their toys (instead of this little boy always being the one who has to share his toys).
 
#9 ·
Sharing his own things has always been very difficult for my younger son. Its a complicated issue for him. He likes his "world" to be controlled and orderly -- and it threatens his sense of safety when other people touch his things. When he was two years old things were even more difficult, because neither of us understood his issues as well as we do now.

For about a year, we just did not do playdates at our house. It was too hellish for everyone involved. We did playdates at the park, at the Y, at friend's houses, etc. That worked fine for him.

When we did go back to having kids over here, I would give him enough time before the playdate to put "special" things in his room. Most of the toys in the familyroom are designated "family toys" and the rule is, family toys are for anyone to enjoy. Things like, a bin full of legos, a bin full of thomas track, puzzles, lincoln logs -- those types of big sets are "family toys." The do not belong to just him. Being able to recognize and catagories things as "family toys" made it much easier for him to relax about sharing. But not at 2 years old!
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top