Mom's Word vs. Dad's Word. - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am falling into a pattern that I can't seem to get out of.

Moreover, I wonder "how in the world did I get *here* in the first place?"

The problem *I* am having is DS NOT responding to my requests the first time... or rather at all.

AND, responding to DH's request immediately.

Prime Example- Yesterday, as we were winding down for the evening, I ran DS his bath water and set up his little toys as enticing as I could and said "DS it's time to take your bath now"

Still playing with his cars and trucks, he calmly responds (and did not even look up at me) said "No Mommy"

Patiently, I asked him again and again, he said "No Mommy".

So at this point I knew I had 2 choices:

A) Physically pick up (which would have resulted in him kicking and screaming along the way) and put him in the bath tub

OR

B) Let DH "rescue" me yet again and and again and again.

I decided on B) :

I just calmly went into DH's office and said "Can you please tell DS to get in the bath tub?" and DH goes and says "DS, Mommy wants you to take a bath okay?" and DS says "Okay, Daddy" proceeds to get in the bath tub.

This happens all the time. All the time and I feel like I've lost control of my relationship with DS.

DH doesn't yell, argue, plead, beg, entice, bribe or ANYTHING. He just uses a quiet, gentle tone with DS and gets results.

While I use all of the above.

Is it something about "Dad" that brooks no arguments from Kids? What is it about "Dad's voice?"

In my immediately family, (my older ancestors) it was not uncommon to use the "wait til your Dad gets home" approach.

Do you think it is because DH (WAHD) is his Primary Caregiver and I am the Full Time WOHP?

I wonder what our relationship would be like if I was the SAHP and DH worked out of the home.
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#2 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:17 PM
 
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Me: DS it's time for bath.

DS: No Mommy.

Me: I'm going to race you to the tub!

I guarantee this will work.

Me: DS, it's time for bath. Are you going to crawl to the tub, march to the tub or fly to the tub?

I pretty much guarantee that one will work, too.

Stop asking your DH to intervene - you are giving DS permission to dismiss you. But this doesn't have to be contentious or unpleasant, either. You can make it fun and he will respond to it.
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#3 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBeads View Post

Stop asking your DH to intervene - you are giving DS permission to dismiss you. But this doesn't have to be contentious or unpleasant, either. You can make it fun and he will respond to it.
:

By getting DH to intervene you are saying "DS it's ok to disrespect and disregard me."
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#4 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBeads View Post
Me: DS it's time for bath.

DS: No Mommy.

Me: I'm going to race you to the tub!

I guarantee this will work.

Me: DS, it's time for bath. Are you going to crawl to the tub, march to the tub or fly to the tub?

I pretty much guarantee that one will work, too.

Stop asking your DH to intervene - you are giving DS permission to dismiss you. But this doesn't have to be contentious or unpleasant, either. You can make it fun and he will respond to it.
I've tried the "race you to the tub" and it just upsets him more!

Voice rising "No Mommy, I don't want to take a bath!!!"

Which would bring me back to physically picking up (kicking and screaming) to the tub which I'd just rather avoid the whole bath routine if I am at that point.
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#5 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:51 PM
 
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and as a previous poster said, by having your dh "rescue" you, you are encouraging the "no mommy" response. i'm guilty of that too.

i have found that when i consistently follow through with consequences, then ds is more cooperative. i too don't like battles but we tend not to get so many battles when we (dh and i) are both consistent with the consequences we state.

e.g., ds stop throwing your toys when you get frustrated or mommy will take it away. if he throws it again (at nothing in particular, btw), i pick it up without saying anything and i put it out of sight and out of reach.

it is starting to pay off too. he tends to wiggle too much (with the result being that he pulls my nipple - ouch) when we nurse so i've started saying that we will stop nursing if he wiggles again. after my improved consistency, he stops when i tell him not to wiggle again. in this case, we also start our nursing session by shaking all the wiggles out.

newmommy, if bathtime is becoming problematic, why not reduce its frequency? or change its context...

when i see that ds is really really grubby, then i tell him it is bath night to wash the bulldozer dirt out of his hair (he pretends that a bulldozer dumps dirt on him and around him). or if we go out for a walk after rain and he jumps in a puddle, i tell him that he has to have a bath before bed, or he'll take dirt from the puddle into bed with him. that said, washing his hair is unpleasant and last night i offered him a choice - wash hair in tub last night or wash hair in the shower in the morning. he chose the shower and hated every minute of hair washing but he quickly got over it.

we used to do a bath every night but switched to a bath only 2x per week a few months ago (back in March?). we have a happy relationship with dirt

Jennifer, Naturopath and mom

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#6 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 03:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by newmommy View Post
I've tried the "race you to the tub" and it just upsets him more!
Give him a head start. Or try the other method.
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#7 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 04:34 PM
 
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I think we sometimes forget how much we interrupt our kids time.

I have had amazing results with, "Hey buddy, the tub's ready whenever you are." Or, "Why don't you finish up with what you're doing, and hop in the tub when you're done?"

And gentle reminders if needed could be, "Almost done? The water's getting cold." Or, "You about ready? We need to start winding up with the cars."

I'm wondering if the command nature of your request ("It's time.") is what he's bristling at, vs. your husband's more asking manner. ??

Have you asked your son why he seems to more readily respond to his dad? Maybe he'll give you some ideas.
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#8 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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Are you home with him? According to a book I read, children are much less likely to do what the parent who is with them requests as they feel more comfortable saying no.

ANyway, don't compare yourself. When I was a teacher, there were teachers I loved but I knew I couldn't "be" them unless I had a personality transplant. Everyone has a unique style, so you just have to find what works for you.

One thing that usually works for me is to tell DD, "OK, we will do this for 5 more seconds. Ready? One, two . . ." You might find that fits your style, you might not.

Make a commitment to not let DH handle it unless you just really need a break. Or, work it into a routine. I find that since DH has more patience at the end of the day (he is a WOHD) he does all the bedtime/bath stuff. Gives them a chance to bond, me a break, and more peace all around!

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#9 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 06:10 PM
 
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It sounds like you're having a really rough time asserting yourself to your DS. If I remember correctly from another thread, if he started to throw a tantrum after you took a toy away (because he was throwing it at you), you gave it back to him to keep him happy, right?

It sounds like you're really scared of him tantruming, and are doing whatever it takes to keep him happy, even at the expense of his respect for you. I know tantrums are hard to see/hear (and embarassing if they occur in public), but they really aren't the end of the world.

I have a feeling that if you can (compassionately) stick it out with him through a few tantrums, he'll start to realize that your words and actions carry weight, and maybe he'll start to respect you and take your words seriously more often. Good luck to you!

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#10 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 06:52 PM
 
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My dc like a warning before it is actually time to do something or end something. I would try saying something along the lines of in five minutes it is time to take a bath and then another reminder that dc has one minute left before bath. Then after the five minutes it is now bathtime. They have time to "wrap up" what they are playing with. I do this before dinner, before bedtime, etc. especially if I see they are really engrossed in something.
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#11 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey's mom View Post
I think we sometimes forget how much we interrupt our kids time.

I have had amazing results with, "Hey buddy, the tub's ready whenever you are." Or, "Why don't you finish up with what you're doing, and hop in the tub when you're done?"

And gentle reminders if needed could be, "Almost done? The water's getting cold." Or, "You about ready? We need to start winding up with the cars."

I'm wondering if the command nature of your request ("It's time.") is what he's bristling at, vs. your husband's more asking manner. ??

Have you asked your son why he seems to more readily respond to his dad? Maybe he'll give you some ideas.
Second all this.

My ds won't do the racing game anymore, but if I casually say, "Your bath is ready when you are," in about 2 min. he'll go in by himself. This works for other things, too, like using the potty. He has a tendency to procrastinate and will have an occasional accident as a result. But if I know he has to go, and I open the bathroom door, put his potty chair on, and tell him it's ready for him, he'll go in all by himself.

I def. second the notion that you should not let your DH rescue you. I am trying to get my DH to stop wanting ME to rescue him! But that's a whole 'nother thread...
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#12 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 08:52 PM
 
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I agree wholeheartedly with the "it's ready when you are" or "bath time in 10 minutes" or even, "what time would you like to have a bath tonight?" techniques. I also wonder whether the bath is necessary? Children don't get BO or oily hair like some of us do, so ... I tend to think baths are given to children more often than strictly necessary.
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#13 of 16 Old 05-29-2007, 09:46 PM
 
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quote by rainbowbird "I def. second the notion that you should not let your DH rescue you. I am trying to get my DH to stop wanting ME to rescue him! But that's a whole 'nother thread..."

ME TOO!

my dh calls, "mommy, we need you!" and sometimes panics when i say i have to go to the potty in a public place and we will be left to mng. dd alone!

i think it does have something to do with you not being the at home parent

at least it does for us, i have learned from a lot alot a lot of trial and error since birth about dd's temperment and needs for communication and timing etc.
it takes alot less time for me to figure out what approach is going to work than it does for dh (who has worked and been in grad school almost her whole life).

maybe that makes you feel a little sad? and that saddness makes the stakes feel a little higher to make him listen to you/you get it right with him?

i agree STOP calling in dh, also i with dd i often (esp with any night time routine,which is when she is extra nuty) let her pick the amount of time till we transition to bath, teethbrushing, jammies etc... like how many more ball pitches till bed? then she calls out a number, if the number is way too high i might say "well that does not really give us time to read books in the bed, and i would hate to miss that, what do you think? should you pick another number?"
she almost always does.

and then i always restate the deal and then say some bright cheerful praise like "how, what a great compromise we made!"
b/c i am really into teaching her about that these days!

good luck
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#14 of 16 Old 05-30-2007, 12:13 AM
 
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I could have written your post, newmommy. I started letting dd's WAHD rescue me while I was hugely pregnant (I'm 5'2'', and ds was 11 pounds at birth, so I'm talking HUGELY pregnant!) and unable to pick up my toddler unless she wanted to allow me pick her up. Ds is 10 weeks old now, and we've nearly broken the trend, though if he's nursing, I still sometimes call upstairs for super-Daddy-to-the-rescue and undermine my credibility. I'm working on it though, and I loved all of the ideas shared here.
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#15 of 16 Old 05-30-2007, 03:20 AM
 
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I've found that giving a warning to transition works best with Alivia. (Okay ____ more minutes and then we are doing _____ .) Also, set a timer...."Okay, I'm setting the timer. While we're waiting, it's time to pick up. When it goes off, it's time to _____." (The last is the method used by daycare.)
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#16 of 16 Old 05-30-2007, 04:16 AM
 
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What does your DH say? Why does he think DS responds better to him? I know my DH (who WOH full time) often is a little bit behind on subtle things that are bothering/working for the kids at any given time. Maybe your DS has been bristling at certain phrases over the last few weeks, or your DH has some key words that are really working.

Beyond that, at 3.75 I would absolutely employ your son's help! Ask him what the difference is, and what you guys can do to make bathtime more enticing. I am constantly amazed at how creative children can be coming up with solutions. My DD didn't used to want to go to quiet time/nap, but just asking her one day what we could do to make it fun both got her into a cooperative place and came up with some great solutions!
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