I think it's time to move- what would you do? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 12 Old 07-04-2007, 07:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter is 21 months old. Three months ago, we moved in with a family who has a daughter 1.5 months younger than my daughter. Everything was fine at first, until my daughter started hitting/grabbing toys from/pulling the hair of the other little girl. I very firmly tell her not to do it, and I explain that it hurts. She sometimes laughs, and sometimes gives hugs/kisses/pets to the other girl, but always is relentless and just does it again a minute later. Usually after doing it twice in a row, I take her into our room to play.
My daughter socializes quite a bit with other kids so I haven't been too concerned as I'm used to my daughter being on the giving AND receiving end of rough behavior. However, the other mom is extremely concerned and gets noticeably upset. They don't really get out much so I think she doesn't realize that this is common toddler behavior. Today, for the first time, she yelled at my daughter after she pulled her daughter's hair. I was so shocked that I didn't say anything to the other mom(but I definitely will if it happens again), but I think this just sort of made me realize that I can't live like this. I can't be RIGHT AT my daughter's side EVERY second that we are at home, and I am just getting really sick of the negativity of the other mom(she frequently yells at her own daughter and it's becoming very upsetting to me). I'm also starting to wonder if this is my daughter's way of saying that she isn't happy living with another toddler.
I'm just so frustrated. I know everyone I know IRL will think it'm overreacting, but I think it's time for us to move, which is going to be a huge pain. It isn't even so much my daughter's grabbing/hitting that is the problem as it is the other mother's hypersensitivity towards it. Anyway, just wanted to vent and looking for some advice.
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#2 of 12 Old 07-04-2007, 07:53 PM
 
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I'm just so frustrated. I know everyone I know IRL will think it'm overreacting, but I think it's time for us to move, which is going to be a huge pain. It isn't even so much my daughter's grabbing/hitting that is the problem as it is the other mother's hypersensitivity towards it. Anyway, just wanted to vent and looking for some advice.
it is too bad you have to move, but i don't think the mom is being hypersensitive. it is a natural instinct to protect our babies and another kid repeatedly hurting my child would get all my mama bearness.
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#3 of 12 Old 07-04-2007, 07:57 PM
 
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Have you tried talking to the other mom about parenting stuff? You're living together, the kids are going to play together, you need to come up with ways to handle discipline issues that work for both of you.

Maybe you won't be able to agree on anything and moving out will be the best choice for both of you. But maybe you can salvage things- don't move out as a first step!

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#4 of 12 Old 07-04-2007, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it is too bad you have to move, but i don't think the mom is being hypersensitive. it is a natural instinct to protect our babies and another kid repeatedly hurting my child would get all my mama bearness.
Right...perhaps hypersensitive was the wrong word...but as I said, I've been in the opposite situation, with my daughter being the one getting hurt repeatedly, and I've never yelled at the other child or gotten a nasty attitude towards them as if they were acting maliciously...
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#5 of 12 Old 07-04-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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Well ... the one thing I'm thinking is that no matter what happens between the two girls, it's going to be very hard to live with someone and basically share parenting with someone who parents in a very different way than you do ... not sure if this is the case but that sounds like your perception right now.

You either need to work out some serious rules and boundaries or move, I would say.
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#6 of 12 Old 07-05-2007, 03:58 AM
 
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I think that you should move, but not because the other mom is wrong. I've been on her end before, feeling very sensitive about a more aggressive child being rough with my daughter, it was uncomfortable and unfortunately her mother's and my friendship didn't do so well through it. If it was a two way thing I don't think it would've bugged me, but my daughter is usually physically unaggressive, and had I left them to fend for themselves she would've become aggressive in order to defend herself. I really wanted the mother to be more proactive and to shadow her daughter to prevent her from hitting my daughter, the mother had a similar take as you, that it's normal and she didn't seem keen on doing much shadowing to prevent the behavior.

I don't really think anyone is wrong here, it's just an akward situation that could be remedied by changing the living situation around. I'm assuming the other mom might be hoping you move as well? Perhaps her yelling and stuff is worsened due to the home being stressful. I don't think the mother is the problem here, just an akward living situation.
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#7 of 12 Old 07-05-2007, 04:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that you should move, but not because the other mom is wrong. I've been on her end before, feeling very sensitive about a more aggressive child being rough with my daughter, it was uncomfortable and unfortunately her mother's and my friendship didn't do so well through it. If it was a two way thing I don't think it would've bugged me, but my daughter is usually physically unaggressive, and had I left them to fend for themselves she would've become aggressive in order to defend herself. I really wanted the mother to be more proactive and to shadow her daughter to prevent her from hitting my daughter, the mother had a similar take as you, that it's normal and she didn't seem keen on doing much shadowing to prevent the behavior.

I don't really think anyone is wrong here, it's just an akward situation that could be remedied by changing the living situation around. I'm assuming the other mom might be hoping you move as well? Perhaps her yelling and stuff is worsened due to the home being stressful. I don't think the mother is the problem here, just an akward living situation.
Very good point. Although, it's not that I'm not willing to shadow my daughter, it's just that it's completely impossible. I have to do the dishes, I have to do the laundry, I have to go to the bathroom, etc. You have reminded me of what it's like to be on the other end, though. It was only recently that my daughter was ever aggressive at all, and for a long time I would be upset about others being aggressive with her...and that wasn't even a roommate situation.
And my feelings about the other mom go deeper than just this situation...I think I made it sound like all of my annoyances with her revolve only around her protectiveness of her daughter when there's a lot more to it...she yells a LOT(at her daughter) and is just very very harsh and authoritarian(threatening her daughter with time-outs for things that I wouldn't even worry about, etc.). Generally a source of a lot of negative energy directed at both girls.
Anyway, thanks so much for your post. It was very sensitive and really hit the nail on the head and pointed me in the right direction...gave me a lot to think about.
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#8 of 12 Old 07-05-2007, 04:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Soundhunter View Post
I think that you should move, but not because the other mom is wrong. I've been on her end before, feeling very sensitive about a more aggressive child being rough with my daughter, it was uncomfortable and unfortunately her mother's and my friendship didn't do so well through it. If it was a two way thing I don't think it would've bugged me, but my daughter is usually physically unaggressive, and had I left them to fend for themselves she would've become aggressive in order to defend herself. I really wanted the mother to be more proactive and to shadow her daughter to prevent her from hitting my daughter, the mother had a similar take as you, that it's normal and she didn't seem keen on doing much shadowing to prevent the behavior.

I don't really think anyone is wrong here, it's just an akward situation that could be remedied by changing the living situation around. I'm assuming the other mom might be hoping you move as well? Perhaps her yelling and stuff is worsened due to the home being stressful. I don't think the mother is the problem here, just an akward living situation.
I agree with all this.

I, too, have had by DS be on the other end of a pretty aggressive toddler behavior (luckily just with playdates). It's not that the other kid was "bad" at all! He was a sweet kid, like I'm sure the OPs DD is. His mom was a good friend of mine. However, after over a year of aggressive behavior and snatching things away from DS and such, I'd had enough and yelled at the other kid. I'm not proud of it and wished I'd just dealt with it more pro-actively to begin with. It cost my friendship with the friend.

It's not that the other kid was doing anything *so* out of the ordinary (though he's on the far end of the "normal" spectrum in terms of energy and aggression). It's that the mom and I had very different ways of approaching those behaviors and I felt, after a long while, that my kid was getting the short end of the stick.

Sounds like it is time to move to save everyone's sanity.

Good luck!
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#9 of 12 Old 07-05-2007, 05:55 PM
 
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Ugh, I don't think I could have survived DS's 2's coupled with another child's 2's Talk about added stress...

If you can move, do it. I can only imagine the stress of living with another family. Especially one with young children.

No other advice :
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#10 of 12 Old 07-05-2007, 11:47 PM
 
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<i>I don't really think anyone is wrong here, it's just an akward situation that could be remedied by changing the living situation around. I'm assuming the other mom might be hoping you move as well? Perhaps her yelling and stuff is worsened due to the home being stressful. I don't think the mother is the problem here, just an akward living situation.</i>

im nearing the two year mark of living with my in-laws and i know FOR A FACT, the people in the house affect my parenting and my stress level and my ability to respond in the way i would like to my children.
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#11 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 12:20 AM
 
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I've been in the opposite situation, with my daughter being the one getting hurt repeatedly, and I've never yelled at the other child or gotten a nasty attitude towards them as if they were acting maliciously...
When a kid is being mean to your kid during a get-together, it's easier to keep your cool because you know you'll be leaving in a relatively short period of time. But when you live together, there's no escape and I can see how someone's fuse could become ever shorter.

I think that, whenever possible, families should live alone just to avoid conflicts like this. You need to be able to play the "my house, my rules" card if needed, and you can't do that if it's not just your house.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
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#12 of 12 Old 07-06-2007, 12:48 AM
 
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When my youngest was 10 months old we were living with my inlaws for about 3 months, in between houses. I have two older daughters and a hubby who are all rough and tumble. They wrestle and play fight and when they really fight, they can be hard on each other. I try to remember what it was like when I was a kid. I was the oldest of all the cousins and our family rule is "don't hit unless you want to be hit back". But when my cousins hit me and I hit them back, they went running off crying and I'd, inadvertantly, be treated like a bully. It was very unfair but whoever said that it is a mothers first instinct to protect her kids is soooo right.
Sorry.. I strayed..
Anyways, when we were living with my inlaws I had two nieces that were there aaallll the time, practically lived there. One of them was one year older than my daughter, and the other was 3 months younger, but much bigger.
My daughter was used to being handled alot, sometimes pushed, toys taken.. that kind of thing. She loved to wrestle with her sisters and my hubby. My two nieces are quite aggressive. Their parents don't monitor they're behaviour, I should say their parents aren't very involved. My nieces would get quite aggressive with her, push her down, hit her, bite her... typical behaviour for alot of toddlers. My daughter was very, very passive, NEVER hitting or pushing or taking toys. She was an amazing baby and toddler. She didn't hold a grudge or not want to play with them, it was me who started trying to keep her in our room or away from her cousins. I caught myself after about 3 days of this. Sometimes kids are rough, but my daughter did not appreciate being taken away from her cousins. From then on I just calmly explained to my nieces that its not nice to hit, or push.. such and such.
My niece is 21 months old right now and she's going through a biting stage. She bites really hard, sometimes breaks skin. My poor sister has tried EVERYTHING to get her to stop, but its been going on for about 2 months now.
Your daughter is sweet and innocent and isn't hurting her friend on purpose, its just rough playing, and soon she'll be able to understand that it hurts
It sucks that its affecting your friendship but I know that its really stressful to live in a house with someone who has completely different parenting techniques. Like my mother in law, who has NO rules. At all. About anything.
lol... I sidetrack easily tonight..

Anyway I wish you the best of luck resolving a sticky situation. Hopefully it doesn't permanently affect your friendship.
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