What the @#$% is wrong with me? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:30 PM
 
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CPS then I think she needs to seek a different church
I'm not the one on the moral high horse.
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#92 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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OMG so I accidentally said church. You know what I meant. You are just nitpicking. I'm not on a moral high horse - I'm just as much of a screw up as the next person.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#93 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Pam_and_Abigail View Post
I've also started reading "Mother Nurture" by Rick Hanson et al. On page 81 (in the section on self-forgiveness) they outline it like this:

(please don't get scared away by the word 'incompetence' - it just means we all recognize that our overreactions are inappropriate)

"Stage 1: Unconcious Incompetence: You're not aware of the problem

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: You realize you shouldn't be doing it, but
you can't stop yourself. This is by far the most unconfortable stage.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence: The inclination to snap harshly still arises within your mind, but you catch it and do something different, like take a deep breath and speak more calmly.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: The tendency doesn't even arise. Sometimes it's even hard to remember that you used to act in a different way"
Oh wow, this is good stuff for me! I need to get that book. I think I'm stuck in stage 2 right now, trying to get to stage 3.

Secondly, I have read this forum from time to time, but never post for support because I've always been paranoid of being judged by other moms as I'm on my way to becoming the parent I want to be. I am a former spanking mom who is now working on cutting out the yelling parts, too, and REALLY wish I had some folks I could check in with regularly, kind of like an online AA kind of thing for mamas who want to have regular support for gentle discipline, particularly when it doesn't come naturally. But I've been scared to post here because of fearing the judgmental reactions from other moms who may not understand (particularly from those who have only young children, or only one child, and have never been in the shoes of those of us who only in the past few years came around to GD after doing something else for a while).

I started this response after reading the first page of responses. I was inspired by Ruthla's honesty and courage in posting, and BLOWN AWAY by the kindness and encouragement Ruthla received-- that is exactly what I would need in moments I feel I've failed to get me back on the right track. But in the middle of writing this reply, I clicked to read the rest of the responses, and was horrified at how judgmental people are. Adding smilies and saying, "I'm not judging you, BUT" do not make it any less hurtful or judgmental. And responses like that are the reason that mothers like me, who struggle daily to go against the grain of everything I've ever experienced from my own parents, will not post here seeking support. Ever.

Ruthla-- you are not alone it wanting to be more, do more, and grow as a person for your children. We do not all have similar backgrounds and experiences, so none of us here can ever fully understand or offer sound advice to another, but know that there are some of us here who, while we don't condone or encourage what you have done, know what it feels like to fall short and try harder.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#94 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 2bluefish View Post
Yes, and one of the best ways to prevent a person from getting help is to make them feel that they aren't safe in sharing.
:

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#95 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.

But, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#96 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:39 PM
 
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wow, this thread is really out of sorts. indaphunk, your advice is very welcome at MDC, as is everyone's. even if it doesn't speak directly to ruthla, it will benefit someone. this whole thread is a little silly to insinuate that everyone at MDC is so kind and non-judgmental....come on, please. i'm on here everyday and i read these threads, and most of the time people feel free to speak their mind as they see fit. most of us are passionate about our beliefs and our practice in gentle discipline, and we constantly express our outrage at the thought of a child being hurt.

this is a message board, and advice can only be given based upon the information a poster shares. the original poster said she repeatedly hit and yelled at her son, and the title of this thread is "what the %$#% is wrong with me?" i think indaphunk & others are getting short-changed in their advice. maybe they haven't read ruthla's 20,000,000 posts and are speaking directly to THIS one. you should welcome advice that speaks up against hitting a child. i think it is awesome that everyone is coming to ruthla's aid, as good friends should do that. but you are only being non-judgmental to ruthla, and you are being quite judgmental and aggressive to posters who share different opinions. i could go on, but i won't. i'm just baffled at this thread's reaction, but if it had been ruthla posting about her SIL and saying the same situation occurred....everyone would be singing a different tune probably, and more people would be defending this 5 year old.

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#97 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:42 PM
 
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Oh wow, this is good stuff for me! I need to get that book. I think I'm stuck in stage 2 right now, trying to get to stage 3.

Secondly, I have read this forum from time to time, but never post for support because I've always been paranoid of being judged by other moms as I'm on my way to becoming the parent I want to be. I am a former spanking mom who is now working on cutting out the yelling parts, too, and REALLY wish I had some folks I could check in with regularly, kind of like an online AA kind of thing for mamas who want to have regular support for gentle discipline, particularly when it doesn't come naturally. But I've been scared to post here because of fearing the judgmental reactions from other moms who may not understand (particularly from those who have only young children, or only one child, and have never been in the shoes of those of us who only in the past few years came around to GD after doing something else for a while).

I started this response after reading the first page of responses. I was inspired by Ruthla's honesty and courage in posting, and BLOWN AWAY by the kindness and encouragement Ruthla received-- that is exactly what I would need in moments I feel I've failed to get me back on the right track. But in the middle of writing this reply, I clicked to read the rest of the responses, and was horrified at how judgmental people are. Adding smilies and saying, "I'm not judging you, BUT" do not make it any less hurtful or judgmental. And responses like that are the reason that mothers like me, who struggle daily to go against the grain of everything I've ever experienced from my own parents, will not post here seeking support. Ever.

Ruthla-- you are not alone it wanting to be more, do more, and grow as a person for your children. We do not all have similar backgrounds and experiences, so none of us here can ever fully understand or offer sound advice to another, but know that there are some of us here who, while we don't condone or encourage what you have done, know what it feels like to fall short and try harder.
I don't understand how it is considered wrong or rude for a person to say "I've been there, I've done exactly the same thing, this is what I did and I don't think it would be a bad idea to do the same." How is that rude? How is that condescending? How is that wrong? I have been in the same boat (losing it on my kids) and I know the damage it did to them. My son still talks about the one incident now and its been over 2 years! And he thanked me for changing for him. He thanked me that he doesn't have to worry about me hitting him ever again because I have kept my promise not to and I sought help. Saying a person needs to talk to someone is not an insult and I don't see how it can be seen as one. It would be wrong and rude to that little boy involved in this situation to just say "Have a glass of wine and talk a breather." From the really in-depth discussions I've had with my son since this incident and since he is no longer afraid to tell me bluntly how he feels I know that it affected him so, so deeply. And I apologized over and over again and cried with him. Ruthla has said she couldn't even force herself to stay for the length of snuggles he wanted. : I am just so confused by this thread.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#98 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:43 PM
 
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OMG so I accidentally said church. You know what I meant. You are just nitpicking. I'm not on a moral high horse - I'm just as much of a screw up as the next person.

Wow, why would you think this of yourself?

I highly doubt you are a screw up.

Just as I know I am not a screw up, even though I make mistakes in parenting. What I am, is human.
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#99 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:53 PM
 
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It was said tongue in cheek. I meant that I make mistakes and have never claimed to be perfect. I notice you are only responding to little nitpicky things in my posts, why is that?

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#100 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 09:58 PM
 
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So you haven't read my posts that address the main issues in them?

Why do you think I am being nitpicky? It's not my intention.
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#101 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 10:25 PM
 
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From what I understand, if they feel the child was abused (as far as I know spanking lightly with the hand is not considered abuse in most states), they are required by law to report you. This is one of the best examples to me of why punishment is so often detrimental - the person who wants help may not feel they can get it.
I just wanted to add although I'm not sure what is U.S. law, I do now know that in Ontario, Canada, this is exactly the case. I think the OP is very brave for honestly posting and asking for help. To make a long story short, I'm very burnt out from dealing with my 4 year old - an explosive boy who has been stressing me out since he was born. I am at my wit's end trying to deal with him and have sought out, repeatedly, help for him and for the rest of the family (DH, DS#2 is 12 months old). Finally, he is getting some mental health assessments by specialists and a child&youth worker is starting to work with us TOMORROW. The first thing this worker told me is that IF I told him (the worker) or he noticed any evidence of abuse (and he defined that to me as spanking or my child listening to my husband and I have a loud, verbal argument), he'd have to report us. I was sick because, yes, my DH and I both have anger issues and yes we have argued in front of our child. Not a lot but more than once. I know it's not right to argue or "lose it" in front of my child but we try so hard every day and night to be the best parents we can. I felt sick when I realized a professional would report me for yelling with DH! The thing is ... as 2bluefish said - I'm asking for help - our family wants help - and he is basically telling us not to be honest and tell him we've had arguments in front of our son. I told my girlfriend this and she said it seemed ridiculous because obviously if we had no issues, we'd not be asking for help. And the people that are in desperate chronic abusive states - what will they do? Certainly not invite mental health workers into their homes. Anyway, I am looking forward to getting some parenting strategies and some assistance but it's been an eye opener to realize the issues at stake when someone decides to "get help". It's not as straightforward as one would think. And the thing is too, I grew up with parents who yelled, had fights, lost it occasionally and I love my parents more than anything else. My brother and I both love our parents and we're all very close. Not sure what I'm getting at but I think at some level we're all imperfect humans trying to love each other and raise good people. I think seeking help is important but I wanted to point out it isn't quite as simple as it seems.
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#102 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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You know, when you post a thread on internet forums asking for opinions and advice, you tend to get opinions and advice. Not everyone is going to be in agreement about what the advice should be. The OP is free to take what she thinks is helpful and leave the rest.

It's a little obnoxious that someone who is not even the OP believes that they can dictate what sort of advice/opinions the OP should or should not receive. I sure hope none of my friends feels so free to filter things for me.

I'm sure the OP knows where she posted and was prepared for the sorts of replies that she got. She's a long-time poster. She appears, by all other evidence, to be a really great mom. Nobody here has disputed that. Nobody that I have noticed has called her a bad mother. Many people have suggested that she get some help, many in the form of just some time away from her kids. I don't see a thing wrong with that suggestion. Even the suggestion of professional help is just a suggestion. Nobody is going to drag her off to therapy.

And you know, she wouldn't even have to mention that she actually hit her child to anyone, if CPS is a big fear. (Though, between what is accepted corporal punishment in most states and doctor/patient confidentiality, I doubt it is too much of a worry.) She could easily just talk about how she has been feeling stressed-out and having difficulty with feeling angry over somewhat minor things. I am sure she would still get excellent and helpful tools to get through those moments.

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#103 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 12:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.

But, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

And, we all can't be as relaxed at gentle as people in glass houses now can we?
a big :
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#104 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 2bluefish
From what I understand, if they feel the child was abused (as far as I know spanking lightly with the hand is not considered abuse in most states), they are required by law to report you.
Where did Ruthla say she spanked lightly with her hand? It sounds to me like she was waling on him. She said she hit him repeatedly.
You took my post out of context. I made no comment interpreting what Ruthla did. I was explaining that if you go to someone for counseling and admit to something that could be interpreted as abuse *the counselor* is required by law to report you to CPS. (To my understanding in the states spanking with the hand without damaging the body is legal?) That really makes a difference in how someone is supposed to go about getting help.

Thank you Tuesday for telling your story - I think that helps clarify as well!
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#105 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 02:31 AM
 
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For those of us who know Ruth, we know that this behavior is not at all typical for her, and that she is struggling with multiple health issues and is sometimes in a lot of pain. You add to that squabbling siblings, being tired, not having any child-free time, and a child who is going through a hard stage, and it's set up to not turn out well.

I'm so sorry that happened, Ruth. You've got to get some time without kiddos - can you institute a bedtime for your DDs so that you get some? They are old enough to understand that you are not feeling so well and need some time on your own. Even if bedtime for them means being in another room with the door closed.

Do you have anyone who could do some babysitting for you? I wish we could help you more!

Sending you a PM,

Pikku

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#106 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 02:52 AM
 
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an OT post for knitting
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#107 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 02:56 AM
 
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I think people on this thread need to stop reacting to each other so much and just focus on the main purpose...helping Ruthla. Wether we offer her words of encouragement and understanding, or constructive criticism... let's just leave it at that and stop the back and forth nitpicking. Ruthla

Jenn, future midwife, mama to 2 sweet girls (6/05) and (5/07). 
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#108 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 03:11 AM
 
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I think it's really harding growing up in our society to go against the norm and discipline gently. So many of us grew up in houses where yelling and occasional swats where common occurances. I know my parents yelled all the time, and I remember a time when my mom chased me halfway up the stairs trying to swat my bum. It's hard to always be gentle with my children being brought up in such a manner. I've caught myself yelling and acting in ways that I know are not the "gentle discipline" that I am striving for. That's why I come to this forum. I look for advice from other mama's that have struggled. I want to see what has worked for them, how did they over come the urge to scream when they've just had enough?? I think we all strive to be the perfect AP mama...but it's just so hard, especially when you're faced with tough family situations, such as single parenting. I do think that we should "tread lightly" when a mama comes forth with an issue such as this. We need to tread lightly because this mama is being brave for asking for help and seeking advice. She obviously is in need of sisterhood right now. It is important that we be honest with her, yes, but not in such a way that would make her and other mama's on the board afraid to ever post in the GD forum with problems and frustrations of their own. Be gentle, for obviously this mama (and so many other mamas here) is fragile at the moment.

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#109 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 10:05 AM
 
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I think it's really harding growing up in our society to go against the norm and discipline gently. So many of us grew up in houses where yelling and occasional swats where common occurances. I know my parents yelled all the time, and I remember a time when my mom chased me halfway up the stairs trying to swat my bum. It's hard to always be gentle with my children being brought up in such a manner. I've caught myself yelling and acting in ways that I know are not the "gentle discipline" that I am striving for. That's why I come to this forum. I look for advice from other mama's that have struggled. I want to see what has worked for them, how did they over come the urge to scream when they've just had enough?? I think we all strive to be the perfect AP mama...but it's just so hard, especially when you're faced with tough family situations, such as single parenting. I do think that we should "tread lightly" when a mama comes forth with an issue such as this. We need to tread lightly because this mama is being brave for asking for help and seeking advice. She obviously is in need of sisterhood right now. It is important that we be honest with her, yes, but not in such a way that would make her and other mama's on the board afraid to ever post in the GD forum with problems and frustrations of their own. Be gentle, for obviously this mama (and so many other mamas here) is fragile at the moment.

Yes.. this is what I meant earlier about threading lightly. ITA w/what you said.

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#110 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 10:41 AM
 
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For those of us who know Ruth, we know that this behavior is not at all typical for her,
I wanted to make sure that I was not totally misjudging the situation so I did a search for the OP's posts on this forum. She has had problems with hitting and yelling at this child since 2005. I do not post that to judge her just to say this is NOT an isolated incident and the anger seems to be escalating. Like I said - I understand. You could go back and search for my posts in this forum too and see how many times I've messed up and spanked or yelled at my children. We all make mistakes and I am not judging her. I just think she needs to be honest with herself and for her son's sake she needs to seek help.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#111 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Counseling really doesn't solve those issues and in turn it adds one more thing to the list that needs to be done.
That's been my exact experience with counseling in the past. It's not an issue of paying for the counseling itself (Medicaid will cover it) but there's the time and energy of getting there, transportation costs to and from counseling, stress from arranging childcare while I go... to have the counselor tell me to pace myself, respect my limits, establish routines- when I had to push myself out the door, ignore my limits, and mess up the day's routine to get to counseling in the first place.

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No - you're right - to be honest I have no experience with CPS and that hadn't occurred to me. There isn't patient confidentiality? That would definitely impact what I would do.
Nope, there isnt' patient confidentiality when they suspect somebody's getting hurt. Once, when DS was about a year and a half old, I took him with me to my counseling sessions because I had no childcare and the counselor assured me it wouldn't be a problem. Well, she called CPS because DS had a bruise on his face- from a normal, "clumsy toddler" accident. He'd fallen down and bumped his face on something while my Mom was watching him.

So, no, I wouldn't feel comfortable really opening up to a counselor about parenting issues- especially with a counselor who's completely unfamiliar with AP or GD- the last thing I need when I'm overwhelmed is to start defending co-sleeping or unschooling. I had a counselor try to talk me out of keeping DD2 on the Feingold Program because it was "causing me too much stress" and she thought it would be much easier on everybody to put DD on medication instead.

I have absolutely no desire to stress myself out getting to see somebody who's values probably don't match my own, and who's likely to push medication for one or more family members, even if my insurance will pay for it.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#112 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, I was so busy being defensive in the last post that I forgot to post an update.

On Friday nights and Saturdays I don't post because it's Shabbat. I wasn't able to get online Saturday night after Shabbat this week. Sunday we spent the day visiting DD1 at camp- it took us 2.5 hours to drive there, we visited for over 6 hours, and then it took us 4 hours to drive back due to the traffic. We were gone over 13 hours, and I didn't get to MDC at all yesterday either.

Whoa, this thread exploded in my abscence!!

I wonder if my post would have sounded less violent if I'd posted about "swatting", "spanking" or "popping him one." No, I called a spade a spade and said I hit him, which is exactly what happened. I didn't leave any marks, and my outburst only lasted a few minutes. Yes, I still felt angry after it was over, because I managed to stop myself before I "released all my vent up frustration" on him. Nor were any of the underlying problems addressed at that point. Plus I felt like absolute chit for having lost my temper.

Then I got him to bed, told DD that I was in no mood to interact with her, and curled up on the couch with a book for several hours. The next few days I've been doing the same- letting DD know that I expect and need her help with chores, and being firmer with DS when he's being annoying, before I get fully angry.

The last time DS got into DD's space, pushing buttons on her computer, I stayed out of it. I tried to redirect him by letting him use my computer (here, sign onto my AIM account and IM her annoying messages without actually touching her and getting into her personal space.) I didn't physically intervene until he threw a hard toy at DD, at which point I scooped him up with a big hug and took him away from her, firmly explaining that throwing hard toys can really hurt somebody and that's not allowed. Had he thrown a soft toy, I would have continued to let DD handle it on her own.

Coming to MDC IS helping me put things into perspective and react more calmly.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#113 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 01:22 PM
 
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to you Ruthla.

I have two things I want to comment on:

First, I have found that not expressing anger when it is called for, feeling like I need to be *too* GD to the point of not setting firm boundaries or doing any parent imposed consequences, and always having to be 'happy happy joy joy' in dealing with my child, even when her behaviour is outrageous, has caused me to feel helpless in dealing with my child. From that helplessness, and from the repressed unexpressed anger, comes rage, for me.

When you speak about having not intervened in situations previously, and then in intervening you don't express anger or tell your son outright that his behaviour is not acceptable (ie. scooping him up in a hug when he is being a little sh!t), that reminds me of how I used to think I have to deal with my daughter.

I switched it up a little bit, got a little firmer and more direct, and things improved dramatically.

I think as women we get taught that our anger is not okay, that we must not express it, and so it comes out sideways, passive aggressively, or it builds inside us until it explodes in uncontrolled rage, or rage completely out of proportion to the situation.

Secondly, I have found therapy to be extremely important to me in my parenting journey. It is all in the therapist. You have to find a good one, like a really good one. Seasoned, and a *real* person, with real wisdom, not just someone who can regurgitate what they learned from a textbook.

If you do therapy with such a person, they can take you way beyond "respect your limits, get into a routine" type of advice. ITA that this type of advice would be beyond useless, since you already know it and you are making room in a tight, busy schedule to do therapy.

A decent therapist can help you explore your anger, figure out where it is coming from (is it directly about your ds, what in his behaviour triggers other stuff for you, what is going on for you to cause such an intense response, etc). Often stuff from our childhoods directly affects how we interact with our children, and a good therapist can help dig this stuff out and examine it.

Also, if you find a good therapist, they 'get it' about how stupid the CPS reporting laws can be, and over time may be willing to work on direct situations in the hypothetical. You can also talk about anger etc without disclosing anything they may be required to act upon, and a good therapist will work with you to create a situation where you get to figure out your stuff but they do not get placed in a situation where they are mandated to report.

Good luck Ruthla!!
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#114 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 01:29 PM
 
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I am very intrigued with Internal Family Systems Theory at the present moment. My daughter's father is a therapist and has gotten really involved with it, and I've done some reading and some work with it myself and am finding it really, really rich.

http://www.selfleadership.org/

I would say that if you could find a therapist who works within this model, this is one type of therapy that would be guaranteed to take you far beyond "get a routine" type of advice. There is probably a listing on the site, and people work by phone if there is nobody in your area.

Finding a model of therapy that speaks to you would be a really good way to look for a therapist who will be helpful in a deep way.
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#115 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 02:03 PM
 
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Wait, there's actually debate on whether a person should be addressed kindly and with respect even when they've made a mistake? This is exactly the sort of stuff that keeps people from seeking help. It's amazing that just explaining just what events and feelings lead to this situation is considered "justifying". 'Cause, you know, it's much more useful to just villanise someone rather than try to figure out what the triggers were so that they could be avoided.

As far as I'm aware, Ruthla has many friends in this community. If you can't go to friends for help, who can you go to? It boggles my mind that in a thread where the OP is asking for help, someone posts "get help". That makes just about as much sense as seeing someone being mugged, going "you better call the police, mate" and walking away. I'm not religious but really, people, be the good Samaritan for a change. Be the help, don't just sit and judge. And if you can't provide help, for goodness' sake, stay out of it. That's something I'm slowly but surely learning here.

Ruthla, I've behaved violently myself. I'm not comfortable going into a whole lot of detail here for a multitude of reasons, but if you want to talk, just PM me. I don't have kids yet, so I don't know if I can be of much help that way, but I do know what stress can do to a person.
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#116 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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Wait, there's actually debate on whether a person should be addressed kindly and with respect even when they've made a mistake? This is exactly the sort of stuff that keeps people from seeking help. It's amazing that just explaining just what events and feelings lead to this situation is considered "justifying". 'Cause, you know, it's much more useful to just villanise someone rather than try to figure out what the triggers were so that they could be avoided.

As far as I'm aware, Ruthla has many friends in this community. If you can't go to friends for help, who can you go to? It boggles my mind that in a thread where the OP is asking for help, someone posts "get help". That makes just about as much sense as seeing someone being mugged, going "you better call the police, mate" and walking away. I'm not religious but really, people, be the good Samaritan for a change. Be the help, don't just sit and judge. And if you can't provide help, for goodness' sake, stay out of it. That's something I'm slowly but surely learning here.

Ruthla, I've behaved violently myself. I'm not comfortable going into a whole lot of detail here for a multitude of reasons, but if you want to talk, just PM me. I don't have kids yet, so I don't know if I can be of much help that way, but I do know what stress can do to a person.
i don't recall any posts where someone was unkind or disrespectful to ruthla. people were downright rude to each other, i agree. but no one posted an original message to ruthla that was unkind or disrespectful imo.

as for posters who suggested she get help, why is that so terrible? ruthla is a long time member, and she has over 20,000 posts. we all come to this forum for support and guidance, but there is nothing wrong with seeking help when you are overloaded & MDC forums obviously aren't enough to help you maintain balance in your personal life. i don't think posters were out of line to say seeking help beyond this message board could be beneficial.

i think this whole thread has gotten out of sorts. i don't think anyone meant to attack ruthla, ....and ruthla, i hope you can see through all of this chaos that no one meant you harm. i hope you will continue to come here to get the support you need, and that you continue to feel free to vent.

each post opens you up for lots of advice -- good and bad. but i suppose you have been exposed to that in many threads already with your history here. just take what is useful and ignore what is not (which it seems like you do that already )

plus, even if a post is not beneficial to the original poster, it may in fact be very beneficial to other moms reading here....so i think we should all continue to respect each other and acknowledge that having advice that is not uniformed is perfectly expected here.

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#117 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, I wasn't hurt by anything said on this message. I didn't even read it until AFTER getting an email full of cyber hugs telling me not to take this thread too personally. So I didn't read most of this thread until I had time to deal with it.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#118 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 03:38 PM
 
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This isn't a playgroup, and the OP is perfectly capable of reading through the responses and figuring out which ones are relevant to her situation. We don't need a bunch of self-proclaimed MDC censors deciding what advice can and can't be given out. No one called the OP a bad mother. I didn't see any mean or hostile posts to her. I hope if anyone did see something that was attacking the OP they would have hit the alert button so it could be deleted by the moderators.

Saying she needs to consider outside help means it might be something that's more than a mom can handle by herself or just by talking through. That isn't mean or bad. If I were a single mom of three (did I get that right?) I'd have much more trouble than I have as a married SAHM of one, and I might very well be in a position where I had to seek help elsewhere. I can't imagine that I'd be offended by that. Although the potential of CPS certainly throws a wrench in it. That certainly wouldn't help her kids. I come out of this thread being sad that a mother can have a very understandable amount of trouble and not have counseling options available without having to worry about her kids ending up in foster care.
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#119 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 07:31 PM
 
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I come out of this thread being sad that a mother can have a very understandable amount of trouble and not have counseling options available without having to worry about her kids ending up in foster care.
:

God bless social workers and CPS for the good work that they do, but you always worry about what one overzealous, uninformed government worker could do that could forever damage your family and your children. Especially considering some of the horror stories coming from our foster care system right now. I know many foster parents are WONDERFUL people, but not all are, KWIM?

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#120 of 138 Old 07-09-2007, 07:59 PM
 
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Mama,

It sounds like you need some self-care and self-empathy for all that you are juggling. There is an old thread "Parenting and Rage" which has a lot of suggestions on taking care of yourself, so as to be emotionally centered for your children. The first step is observing your triggers and recognizing these as indication of your priorities and values. Learning to honor and address these needs proactively helps, ime. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

Pat

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