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#1 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 10:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tongiht, when I was in the bathroom switching the laundry, I heard the kids yelling. I come out and find DS bothering DD2, hitting random keys on the keyboard when she was on IM.

I totally lost control, and started yelling at DS and hitting him. : Repeatedly, until he stopped bothering her. I'm not even sure if he was hurting her or not (well, he started hitting her after I lost control) but he was certainly in her personal space.

Why am I so damn irritable lately? Why do I keep on taking sides in their sibling rivalries? Specifically, why do I keep on taking HER side? I mean, when he's being rough or violent with her, I do need to intervene, but not by escalating the situation!

I'm just feeling tired and wiped out right now- and it's hard to be snuggly with him when he starts being mean on purpose and smiling when he hurts somebody. I feel like I haven't been getting enough personal space, like DD2 is taking advantage of me in terms of housework/chores, and in general I just feel like I'm barely holding myself together.

Today I had an extremely stressful morning- physically hard since I had to fast until after 11 AM for a medical test, and emotionally stressful since I got lost and couldn't have the test anyway and I'm broke and my ex owes me money and a "friend" owes me money and I just found out that this "friend"'s DD goes to the same camp as DD1 and I'll have to see her on Sunday.

It's just a whole lot of stressful stuff that has NOTHING to do with DS but is severly limiting my patience with him. I'm so sick of his constant chattering! And his normal talking voice seems to hurt my ears and trigger headaches.

I sooo wish I had my own room and I could go to bed without having to interact with him.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#2 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 10:21 PM
 
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s
no advice really, just totally understand the no personal space thing and the CONSTANT talk talk talk..enough to make you crazy..

how is everyone doin now?
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#3 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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I'm so sorry... I get the same way when I don't get enough time to myself and my DS is being annoying, too. And I seriously understand the need for silence!
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#4 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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I think 5 yo's can be like that sometimes...Sorry about your stressful day! Do you drink wine?
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#5 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 11:13 PM
 
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I'm so sorry it's been so hard. I think we can all relate to the overload at times.

You said you were wondering why his stuff and their sibling rivalry triggers you...do you think it's triggering old stuff for you? I often find that when my reactions are really overdetermined for the given situation, it's probably about something else. And parenting and sibling issues can really bring that old stuff out.

Hang in there...it'll get better. Sounds like a rough patch. And I second the wine suggestion if you drink!
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#6 of 138 Old 07-05-2007, 11:35 PM
 
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I don't really have any advice, just wanted to commiserate

I have been having a difficult time being patient with my 7yr old dd lately. I find myself irritated with her most of the time. Personal space is crucial to me too, and with 3 kiddos, it's in short supply.

I hope you feel better soon, and I agree with pp's, that sometimes a glass of wine is in order

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#7 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 12:36 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. I really recommend reading "Siblings Without Rivalry" to help you gain some perspective. As a mom of a very intense 5 y/o boy, I totally understand how you feel. Reading that book helped me back up a bit and put things in perspective.

Christine, mama to Daniel & Abby, 9 and Patrick, 4. Wife to a rockin' train engineer. Gluten and nightshade-free. Multiple kiddie food sensitivities.

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#8 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 12:56 AM
 
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Could you be pregnant? Seriously, when I got pregnant with this one. I couldn't believe who irritiable I got - I felt like I wasn't even myself. I found out about homeopathic Sepia that really helped me get it together (though I don't know if it is kosher to take it). DD is still alot for me to handle while pregnant - she's so noisey at this age! My MIL has been saving my life by taking her for a few days at a time, so I can rest and recharge. Is there anyway you can just get a break from DS? I hope you feel better soon!
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#9 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 09:27 AM
 
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It's the weather. I almost wrote a post with the same sentiment, involving a child, a dog, and yanking the kid away from the dog and just yelling at him for a few minutes before I could calm down. It was the final straw in a long afternoon, which also had such gems as tying his shorts' string to another customer's cart and circling his monster truck in the road (a no-no) while dad was trying to get home from work. Ugh.

Stress can do funny things to you, and the things tend to go way out of proportion. The saving grace, though, is a mistake isn't forever. There's always something you can do to help lessen it.
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#10 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 09:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mommy2abigail View Post
I think 5 yo's can be like that sometimes...Sorry about your stressful day! Do you drink wine?


If she doesnt I think she needs to start
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#11 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 10:01 AM
 
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Been where you are. There are days I wanna tape DS1's mouth shut, tie DS2's hands behind his back and Get a taxi service for the 16 year old DD. I want a maid, a cook, and an on call bartender. lol. We all freak out now and then, become over stressed and when your bucket is full its hard for it not to tip mama. Sleep on the couch tonight, after a long hot bath, and a bottle of wine, with some chocolate of course.
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#12 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 10:04 AM
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Please read Unconditional Parenting ASAP.

And hitting him doesn't teach him not to hit. Obviously. Is that a memory you want him to have of you?

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#13 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by 2bluefish View Post
Could you be pregnant?
This just had me cracking up. I haven't had sex in at least a year.

Wine doesn't really relax me- it makes me sleepy, and I get even more irritable when I'm overtired. It also lowers my inhibitions- which I can't imagine would be a good thing when I'm already having trouble controlling my temper. It's also not a good idea for me to drink with my liver problems- the medical test I missed yesterday (and still need to reschedual) was a liver/gallbladder ultrasound.

Last night I managed to calm down enough to snuggle with him a few minutes before bed, but not for as long as he normally likes to snuggle. I also didn't stay in the room with him until he fell asleep- I stayed with him for about 10 minutes and then left. Then I curled up on the couch with a good book, and whenever DD2 tried to talk to me I told her to leave me alone; that I just needed some kid-free time even if she was in the room with me, I didn't have the patience to interact with anybody.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#14 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 10:51 AM
 
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BTDT - I always hate myself when I take out frustration for other things on my kids - but we ARE human. But it's always a wake-up call to me to take some time to myself. Baths are great - once the kids are asleep. After that relaxation, you can go watch them sleep and think about how cute they are when they're asleep!!!

By the way, if it's sibling issues you're struggling with, I LOVE "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me" (can't remember by who - but definitely GD).

But the best reading you could do now might be some bodice-bearing novel found at a local drugstore that you don't mind dropping in the aforementioned bath!!!!!

Hugs mama!!!
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#15 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 12:46 PM
 
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This just had me cracking up. I haven't had sex in at least a year.
Oh, yeah, oops, I forgot your whole life situation - too late at night for me I guess! I bet alone time will help - you probably aren't getting much of that?
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#16 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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When you are already stressed about Life in general...everything else is just *amplified* KWIM?

If I am stressing over something that could have an immediate negative impact on our family, I need to THINK...to PROCESS it...to PLAN my next step and if DS is just chattering away and invading my much-needed-personal-space...well, I snap too.

And yes you DO feel bad about it because you are human.

You have got to get some Me Time.
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#17 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 03:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Baths are great - once the kids are asleep.
Now, both kids being asleep at the same time never happens at my house- unless it's the middle of the night and I'm also asleep.

DD has been staying up past midnight lately- and as late as 2 or 3 if I'm not up with her making sure she gets to bed (like if I go to sleep with DS.) DS has been waking up around 9 AM.

Most days, I'm up with DD until I go to bed, and up with DS as soon as I wake up. Child-free time simply does not exist!!!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#18 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 03:29 PM
 
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I know it is so hard when you NEED me time and there isn't really much of a way to get it.

I've been in tough spots and really lost it with my kids. I've been fortunate enough to have never hit them, but I did walk out in the front yard in my socks in the dead of winter and left the two of them crying in the house (ages 1 and 5). My 1 yr old was so upset he puked all over himself. So I know about having those moments you regret, and also about those awful feelings of just wanting to get AWAY from your kids.

I hope things get better for you. I've been lucky, homeopathy has been helping me.

s

~Tracy

Rockin' mama to Allison (9), Asher (5) and Alethea (3), head over heels in love with my sexy husband, Tony.

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#19 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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Hi Ruthla,

Just wanted to offer you my support. I am having a hard time with one child and can't imagine dealing with sibling rivalries, so my hat goes out to you.
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#20 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 03:59 PM
 
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for you, I have been in this position more times than I'd like to admit. And I've read Unconditional Parenting. And I bought Siblings without Rivalry and read most of it too. I've also started reading "Mother Nurture" by Rick Hanson et al. On page 81 (in the section on self-forgiveness) they outline it like this:

(please don't get scared away by the word 'incompetence' - it just means we all recognize that our overreactions are inappropriate)

"Stage 1: Unconcious Incompetence: You're not aware of the problem

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: You realize you shouldn't be doing it, but
you can't stop yourself. This is by far the most unconfortable stage.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence: The inclination to snap harshly still arises within your mind, but you catch it and do something different, like take a deep breath and speak more calmly.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: The tendency doesn't even arise. Sometimes it's even hard to remember that you used to act in a different way"


I'm guessing you're stuck at #2, trying to get to #3. That's about where I am. Things I am trying to remember to do are like couting in my head or deep breathing, or stepping back to view the situation from a distance. Once I pretended my kids were actually someone's kids on mdc, and I was reading a thread about the behaviour rather than seeing it firsthand from my own kids. I was much nicer in my response. I've also done some meditating and have discovered some interesting things about myself and why I react.
It's hard to remember to stop before reacting. I've actually got a reward chart for myself, of sorts. It's just a tally sheet to count the number of positive interactions I foster with my kids. Being nice to my kids in intrinsically motivating, but keeping track of it has helped me stop and think before acting.

hth!
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#21 of 138 Old 07-06-2007, 04:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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for you, I have been in this position more times than I'd like to admit. And I've read Unconditional Parenting. And I bought Siblings without Rivalry and read most of it too. I've also started reading "Mother Nurture" by Rick Hanson et al. On page 81 (in the section on self-forgiveness) they outline it like this:

(please don't get scared away by the word 'incompetence' - it just means we all recognize that our overreactions are inappropriate)

"Stage 1: Unconcious Incompetence: You're not aware of the problem

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: You realize you shouldn't be doing it, but
you can't stop yourself. This is by far the most unconfortable stage.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence: The inclination to snap harshly still arises within your mind, but you catch it and do something different, like take a deep breath and speak more calmly.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: The tendency doesn't even arise. Sometimes it's even hard to remember that you used to act in a different way"


I'm guessing you're stuck at #2, trying to get to #3. That's about where I am. Things I am trying to remember to do are like couting in my head or deep breathing, or stepping back to view the situation from a distance. Once I pretended my kids were actually someone's kids on mdc, and I was reading a thread about the behaviour rather than seeing it firsthand from my own kids. I was much nicer in my response. I've also done some meditating and have discovered some interesting things about myself and why I react.
It's hard to remember to stop before reacting. I've actually got a reward chart for myself, of sorts. It's just a tally sheet to count the number of positive interactions I foster with my kids. Being nice to my kids in intrinsically motivating, but keeping track of it has helped me stop and think before acting.

hth!
Thanks! that's a great way to look at it.

I think, most of the time I'm at #3, with some things I'm even at #4, but I still get moments of #2 when I've had a particularly stressful day- like yesterday. I'm just, in general, feeling very "drained" lately.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#22 of 138 Old 07-07-2007, 03:07 AM
 
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I totally lost control, and started yelling at DS and hitting him. : Repeatedly, until he stopped bothering her.
It sure sounds as if you're exceedingly drained on all fronts, but may I very gently tell you that you need to get help. ASAP. If you're not seeing a counselor then you probably need to start and if you already are seeing someone then you need to get additional therapy like anger management counseling. You have to find a way to get time away from the kids ASAP so that you don't take your frustrations out on DS again.


You were very out of control and hitting your child and from your description it sounds to me like you had a hard time stopping.


The fact that you continue to separate/alienate from your DS after the incident makes me think that the problem continues and the likelihood of you behaving that way again in the near future is high. You hit your son and then:

Quote:
Last night I managed to calm down enough to snuggle with him a few minutes before bed, but not for as long as he normally likes to snuggle. I also didn't stay in the room with him until he fell asleep- I stayed with him for about 10 minutes and then left.

Even after losing control and hitting him you still felt angry with him. That's concerning, imho.


Here it almost sounds as if you're justifying your behavior:

Quote:
I'm just feeling tired and wiped out right now- and it's hard to be snuggly with him when he starts being mean on purpose and smiling when he hurts somebody. I feel like I haven't been getting enough personal space, like DD2 is taking advantage of me in terms of housework/chores, and in general I just feel like I'm barely holding myself together.

Today I had an extremely stressful morning- physically hard since I had to fast until after 11 AM for a medical test, and emotionally stressful since I got lost and couldn't have the test anyway and I'm broke and my ex owes me money and a "friend" owes me money and I just found out that this "friend"'s DD goes to the same camp as DD1 and I'll have to see her on Sunday.

It's just a whole lot of stressful stuff that has NOTHING to do with DS but is severly limiting my patience with him. I'm so sick of his constant chattering! And his normal talking voice seems to hurt my ears and trigger headaches.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but hitting your DS is not a way to deal with it. I understand that he was irritating you greatly and you were losing your patience but that's still no excuse...that's exactly the time when people hit their kids- when they're irritated, mad and losing it, not when they're happy and relaxed.


You need more than a "glass of wine" or to "take a hot bath" to deal with this. This is beyond being "drained". A great many people that post here are drained, all the time or much of the time, but they don't hit their kids, no matter how highly irritatingly the dc's are behaving and how drained the moms and dads are.


Your post would worry me less if you had a plan to deal with your irritation at DS or if you seemed to actually be less irritated at him after the incident, but he's still getting on your last nerve, so the problem with him remains and so do all the other problems listed in your post. And I doubt DS has changed in the last day, so he will be as irritating in his behavior to you tomorrow as he was today. So that all seems like a recipe for another occurance unless you change something inside yourself in some way- i.e., counseling.


I guess you know all this already, I'm just trying to make sure that you see the reality of the situation....because sometimes when we're stressed and irritated our minds can distort things in an unreal way and minimize a situation. This should be a major wake up call to you that something big has to change. Utilizing this icon ---> : doesn't accurately represent the way you should be dealing with this.


Honestly, I can't believe that I'm the only person in this thread to address this aspect of the issue. This whole thread is upsetting. Please do whatever you have to to get a break from the kids somehow tomorrow and please seek help.
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#23 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 11:06 AM
 
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Honestly, I can't believe that I'm the only person in this thread to address this aspect of the issue. This whole thread is upsetting. Please do whatever you have to to get a break from the kids somehow tomorrow and please seek help.

you aren't the only one who felt bothered. my big thought was, it's unbelievable how we start 5 page threads on the mom we saw yell at their child in walmart. we bash them & never give them the benefit of the doubt that we *may* have just caught them in a very bad moment....yet we all have such empathy on a thread like this. i certainly don't think we should bash ruthla by any means!! but for everyone to act like, "hey, no big deal" is a little hard for me to understand i guess.

believe me... i get upset too, so ruthla...i'm not coming down on you for losing your temper. but i completely agree with the other poster, that to "repeatedly" yell and hit your child is a real concern that is simply not okay and you should try to address this issue beyond posting about it here....if you aren't already. hugs to you mama.

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#24 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 11:26 AM
 
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If it were me, I would get someone in to help me with the kids for an hour or two every day so I had a break, and I'd get some kind of counseling or something ASAP to help me control the rage issue. Depending on how bad it was, I might even ask my mother-in-law to stay with us for a while to protect my kids from me, honestly.

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#25 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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I guess I thought the OP was posting because she knows things are out of control and could use some help. I didn't see it as her not being aware that there is a problem and just venting but I saw the post as a cry for help. I think that is why people are treading softly. Just my two cents.

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#26 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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I was thinking along the same lines as Shay. Of course, hitting is not acceptable and Ruthla knows that, I'm sure. She's such a long time poster here. She did entitle her thread "What the @#$% is wrong with me?" after all! Ruthla, I haven't been keeping up with whatever is going on in your life, but I send you best wishes in order that you get a handle on things and feel better so that you can be the wonderful parent I know you want to be.
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#27 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 02:56 PM
 
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I guess I thought the OP was posting because she knows things are out of control and could use some help. I didn't see it as her not being aware that there is a problem and just venting but I saw the post as a cry for help. I think that is why people are treading softly. Just my two cents.

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#28 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 03:09 PM
 
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I know its hard to come back and post when it seems like some of the posters aren't understanding where you're coming from. As a mom (and used to be single mom of 4) I understand....I don't condone...but I understand. Its a tough place to be...no one to lean on....no one to take the load off of YOU for a while. sometimes you just blow......and I also understand how you felt afterwards , not feeling much like doing a long snuggle and such....
WE are above all....only human. Not super human...we have no super powers (well....making milk is pretty super... )
We do the best we can at the time.....and to look back and beat yourself up is of no good. You love your kiddos , I can tell.....
mama....please , please , please.....find a way to get some YOU time. I haven't had any me time in over a year.....NONE.....and its really , really affecting the way I parent . If you want to pm me....I would be happy to chat with you ....and will never ever judge you at all.....
blessings to you and yours......let me know how things are going for you.
(((hugs))))
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#29 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 03:26 PM
 
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I guess I thought the OP was posting because she knows things are out of control and could use some help.
Yes, and one of the best ways to prevent a person from getting help is to make them feel that they aren't safe in sharing.

I do highly reccomend homeopathy. I was in a situation where I didn't know myself - I felt so unable to cope with my kids. I started taking homeopathic Sepia - which I learned was my constitutional remedy - and things completely changed. I didn't need counseling - I knew what I was supposed to do - just something was off for me, and the Sepia fixed it.

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#30 of 138 Old 07-08-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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I didn't mean to be unsupportive. I've had a rage problem - luckily before I had a child, and it turned out to be caused by a medication - so I do understand how it feels. But I felt like I should be honest about what I would do in that situation. Because I have had a problem with it, I have put some thought into what I'd do if it happened again now that I'm a mom.
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