Diana. Wife and partner to Jon since 11/04. Home-birthing, natural milky momma to Katie Annalie - 08/06 and Evan Frederick - 06/09
designer/manufacturer of: http://www.onyababy.com
You keep doing what you think is right. He'll outgrow it on his own time.
: Everyone has their own oppinions on parenting but seriously, he's one! If he was 4 I could understand that she thinks you shouldn't give in but he is still a baby.
You keep doing what you think is right. He'll outgrow it on his own time.
Don't do it.
My ds was like that. Seriously. He was that bad. He's much better now, he's 3.5 y.o., no CIO necessary, thank you.
There are plenty of gentle methods to try before resorting to CIO. She sounds really incompetent and uncreative -- argh.
Find a new doc
I'm so sorry, don't doubt yourself, YOU are doing the right thing
Mommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we , and 27 weeks and have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!
Ignore her and know that you are a great mama for responding so wonderfuly and gently to the intense needs of your child. I know it is very, very hard and my only advice is to try to get some breaks when you can so you can take care of yourself. And, it will get better.
He's 3 now, and though he does like to be held a lot, he's just fine if I'm not in the room, or even if I leave him with dp for a few hours.
It's a phase, and it seems very very normal.
Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
I chose to have no time for myself for over two years... nearly went insane (thank god for antianxiety meds)... but now I have a once hn baby/toddler who is NOW a very bright, high spririted, independant 4 yr old. it was worth it.
Not everyone has MDC :
mama to E (01-2007) and wife to C
i think most children go through a similar stage...i know both of my kids went through it with me -- and well....honestly, they are still with me 24/7. the only thing i would say is you and your dh may want to continue to work on your son being comfortable with just his daddy. when my children were babies, my dh and i made a point to let them know they were equally safe and secure with both of us. my children may still cry initally when i leave them with my dh (but NOT the whole time as you described) and i just leave anyway. my husband will comfort them and calm them down - not me. anyway, my dh was the only one i would have considered walking away and letting my child CIO with.....just because i think it's important that my children really understand that their daddy can and will meet their needs. hugs mama. sounds like you are following the right path!!
homeschooling mama to DD 10 & DS 7
I am soooo irritated right now, and just basically need someone to reassure me that i am not a lunatic. : My ped, sent my son to a psychologist, because he said his seperation anxiety was over the top, and severe. (i cant even go to the bathroom , he FLIPS, but he has been in and out of the hospital, and has very severe reflux, his whole life, so i personally think it is completely normal) anyway so i went....ugh this lady is crazy. First she tells me, "if you ever want any time to yourself, you are going to have to let him CIO instead of giving in and taking him with you" and "if he doesnt learn to self soothe, it is going to cause major issues in a few years" MY SON IS ONE!!!!! no, he doesnt like to be away from his momma, and i NEVER leave him alone if he freaks, and YES i pick him up and comfort him when he cries. i am not getting what the problem is. She said "they can do nothing for me if i am not open to letting him CIO" also, she said i should stop nursing him for comfort, because he needs to learn how to comfort himself. every part of my parenting was picked apart, and i dont even know why i was there!!!! because my son absolutely flips out and the one time i DID leave him (w/ his dad) he cried the whole 2 hrs i was gone....well he is still a baby and has never been away from me! what do they expect!! needless to say, i wont be going back. i just was almost in tears when i left, doubting everything i am doing....i mean, i WANT to be able to get away from him every once in awhile...but he is still a baby...wont he grow out of this in time ? or there are other ways to deal with it??? : what is wrong with these people, and they call themselves DR"S and tell who knows how many people it is healthy to let their children scream their heads off....so they learn to be secure : : :
I am in grad school for psychology and we are taught to work within the values of our clients. Not just cultural values but personal values, as well. Yes, there are some things that I would try to encourage as a psychologist but you have to find a way to work with your client and the personal values they have. If she is saying, either CIO or we can't work with you, then find another psychologist and tell her why. She needs to learn to respect her client's values.
My son is 7 and hasn't had any separation anxiety since he was 3. He goes to sleepovers, he's attended preschool and school and lots of things without me and is completely securely attatched so he can be without me now. How you know that your child is ready is when they don't look at you for help when someone starts trying to pick them up or talking to involved with them.
My friends used to give me a hard time when I wouldn't leave my babies. I had one always complaining about my not leaving my child, but in the next sentence would talk about how her child would vomit repeatedly at her daycare until she got back to her. She used daycare to shop for groceries: and to teach her child to not depend on her (her words not mine).
Listen to your instincts and I'd possibly look for a new ped. "can't help you?" I think I'd be glad they can't help you. You might look for some information about infant attachment. There are 4 main types, securely attached, attached, somewhat detatched and detatched. If I'm remembering right. It's interesting to read about the levels and what they mean, but it's been a few years since I have....or have needed to
Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)
Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will. If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk New User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/articles/user-agreement
I remember ds at about 15 months pounding on the shower door while I took a shower. It's NORMAL. Some kids have severe separation anxiety, others don't. (Ds did, dd didn't.)
And yet, at age 6, ds happily goes to school, wants to know when he can spend the night at his best friend's house, and functions really well when I'm not there.
You can build up slowly to him accepting that you'll be gone - pop into another room, tell him where you're going and be back in 30 seconds. You can let him grow up more so he understands you'll come back. You can reassure him that you are there. As he gets older, you can give him short periods of time where dad takes care of him (I'd start with 15-20 minutes). But really, CIO is absurd.
With your thoughts you create your world. Trust your heart, not experts about your child.
Follow your heart, follow your instincts. You are not crazy you are doing fine. How mean must that woman be to suggest that you leave the poor little guy to sob and scream without comfort? Kids learn to self-soothe just fine even if you run to them every time they cry. I have 3 kids, ages; 5, 10 and 13 and they are all doing great and do NOT cry over every little thing and can be away from me and all that jazz.
YOU ARE DOING FINE!!!
Responding to Baby's Cries and why you shouldn't let your baby "cry it out"
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies
EARLY BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
What parents and caregivers need to know!
by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
Crying for comfort: distressed babies need to be held - Art of Mothering
Mothering, Jan-Feb, 2004 by Aletha Solter
The Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
By Margaret Chuong-Kim, M.A.
The Science of Attachment:
The Biological Roots of Love
by Lauren Lindsey Porter
The Emotional Infant Brain
Part 1: The developing emotional subsystems of the brain process various information, including how to relate the state of the world with xpectations.
Stress in Infancy
by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.
The Science of Attachment
By Kelley Shirazi
Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking:
Excerpt from Sweet Dreams: A pediatrician's secrets for your child's good night sleep, Lowell House, 22-28 By Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
8 INFANT SLEEP FACTS EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW
AAIMHI POSITION PAPER
The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health:
Loving Responces to a baby's cries
Copyright (c) 2001 By Ingrid Bauer:
Fatherhood Basic Instinc
A dad can do so much more than defend the cave. New research shows that he too has the biological goods to nurture baby
By John Hoffman
A MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT WARNS THAT POPULAR ADVICE TO IGNORE YOUR CHILD'S TEARS MAY CAUSE LIFE-LONG HARM
Why babies should never sleep alone: A review
of the co-sleeping controversy in relation to SIDS,
bedsharing and breast feeding
James J. McKenna* and Thomas McDade
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell
CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
By Gale E.Ward
I wanted to say that it seems really unusual to me that a pediatrician would refer a one year old for this kind of problem or that a psychologist would agree to take the appointment. It gets me wondering if there is more to this than we are hearing in a single post. What kinds of problems are you having? It sounds like there must be something you and the pediatrician are concerned about. What kind of help were you hoping to get? It sounds like you didn't get it so I'm wondering if there is still something going on that you could use help with.
thanks everyone, i was just really upset after that appt today. i know i am doing the right thing, and i shouldnt let it bother me. thanks for those links though, it would be nice to broaden her "techniques" and inform her a bit, i hate to know how many parents actually listen to her advice.:
With DS I can leave him with just about anyone at 11 months and he cries a bit but settles right down.
With older DD she had bad separation anxiety until she was almost 3. But I was going crazy so I went ahead and got a sitter for 2 afternoons a week. She cried alot at first but then she got used to her and loved her. Then when we moved, I put her into a nutty-crunchy preschool/daycare when she was about 2 (they use slings there!). She went 2 mornings a week and she cried every time for a month - she was a legend - LOL. i had to come and get her every time after a half-hour. But she eventually bonded with one particular teacher and the others caught on how to soother her and then she loved it.
Whenever I left her with DH, she cried. Until *he* learned to soothe her too.
So I would say, give your DH another chance. it may take several times but he will learn how to help your LO and they will eventually bond enough that you can get out some. And don't forget how much the baby cried right at first until you learned to read him...so give your DH the same time to figure out the different cries.
The other thing i learned from my DD is to just always tell the pediatrician "everything's fine" unless I had a specific worry! Any other answer gets them asking questions and giving you their opinion and it can just confuse things. So when they ask "how's he sleeping?" "oh fine", "how's he eating" "oh fine", "are your still breastfeeding" "it's going fine", etc LOL Just act real confident and they will leave you alone
anyway, hth from another mom whose btdt!
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