The psychologist told me i have to let him CIO - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am soooo irritated right now, and just basically need someone to reassure me that i am not a lunatic. : My ped, sent my son to a psychologist, because he said his seperation anxiety was over the top, and severe. (i cant even go to the bathroom , he FLIPS, but he has been in and out of the hospital, and has very severe reflux, his whole life, so i personally think it is completely normal) anyway so i went....ugh this lady is crazy. First she tells me, "if you ever want any time to yourself, you are going to have to let him CIO instead of giving in and taking him with you" and "if he doesnt learn to self soothe, it is going to cause major issues in a few years" MY SON IS ONE!!!!! no, he doesnt like to be away from his momma, and i NEVER leave him alone if he freaks, and YES i pick him up and comfort him when he cries. i am not getting what the problem is. She said "they can do nothing for me if i am not open to letting him CIO" also, she said i should stop nursing him for comfort, because he needs to learn how to comfort himself. every part of my parenting was picked apart, and i dont even know why i was there!!!! because my son absolutely flips out and the one time i DID leave him (w/ his dad) he cried the whole 2 hrs i was gone....well he is still a baby and has never been away from me! what do they expect!! needless to say, i wont be going back. i just was almost in tears when i left, doubting everything i am doing....i mean, i WANT to be able to get away from him every once in awhile...but he is still a baby...wont he grow out of this in time ? or there are other ways to deal with it??? : what is wrong with these people, and they call themselves DR"S and tell who knows how many people it is healthy to let their children scream their heads off....so they learn to be secure : : :
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#2 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:14 PM
 
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ugh. Respectfully disagree with this woman and move on with your life. DD is one and is in the throws of separation anxiety, too...just remember...this, too, shall pass.

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#3 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:18 PM
 
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: Everyone has their own oppinions on parenting but seriously, he's one! If he was 4 I could understand that she thinks you shouldn't give in but he is still a baby.

You keep doing what you think is right. He'll outgrow it on his own time.
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#4 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CheapPearls View Post
: Everyone has their own oppinions on parenting but seriously, he's one! If he was 4 I could understand that she thinks you shouldn't give in but he is still a baby.

You keep doing what you think is right. He'll outgrow it on his own time.
She's nuts, you're right, CIO at age 1 particularly for a child with a medical history is just mean and evil.

Don't do it.

My ds was like that. Seriously. He was that bad. He's much better now, he's 3.5 y.o., no CIO necessary, thank you.
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#5 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:27 PM
 
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Good grief. That is horrible. A one year old still thinks of his mama as an extension of himself. And, he may still unsure that things still exist when he can't see them. So, basically, when you are not there, there is a pretty good chance that he experiences it as if he has lost a limb and doesn't know whether he'll get it back or not.

There are plenty of gentle methods to try before resorting to CIO. She sounds really incompetent and uncreative -- argh.
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#6 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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Follow your heart and don't let them instill doubt in you. I have very attached kids and at one they all needed me very much. As they get older they become independent at their own rate, pushing doesn't help. I am so sorry you had to endure that but know you are doing the best possible thing you can for your BABY! Just look how happy he is when he is with you, why wouldn't he want to sustain that?
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#7 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 03:33 PM
 
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: Your story really hits home. I went though the EXACT SAME THING! My dd has reflux also, but despite that while we were in the hospital, the gi sent in a "social worker/psychologist" that told me that dd was NOT in pain, that she was SPOILED..and told me I HAD to let her CIO.. I've been told by almost every one of her docs that she is spoiled..

FUK THEM!!!!!!!!
Find a new doc

I'm so sorry, don't doubt yourself, YOU are doing the right thing

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#8 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 04:14 PM
 
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I would love to see someone walk away as the ped/pyscho were instructing them to CIO. When they questioned your actions I would say "Oh I was going to let you self soothe, I mean, obviously you were just spoiled by having me pay attention to your noise. You were obviously just talking for attention."
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#9 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 04:38 PM
 
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My son was the same way with separation, up until about age 3 or so. It was INTENSE! But now, at 5, he goes to preschool, to playdates, asks me to leave so he can be with my partner, etc.

Ignore her and know that you are a great mama for responding so wonderfuly and gently to the intense needs of your child. I know it is very, very hard and my only advice is to try to get some breaks when you can so you can take care of yourself. And, it will get better.
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#10 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 05:33 PM
 
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Gah. My ds was pretty much like that when he was one. I didn't go to the bathroom without him. Heck, I could barely go 15 minutes without him demanding to be held/nursed, even if I was in the same room.

He's 3 now, and though he does like to be held a lot, he's just fine if I'm not in the room, or even if I leave him with dp for a few hours.

It's a phase, and it seems very very normal.

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#11 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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well her first statement was true. If you ever want time to yourself you have to let him cio. If you have a high needs baby, anyway.

I chose to have no time for myself for over two years... nearly went insane (thank god for antianxiety meds)... but now I have a once hn baby/toddler who is NOW a very bright, high spririted, independant 4 yr old. it was worth it.
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#12 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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My only thought is - what about less informed parents? Someone's going to follow that advice because it came from a "DR". Can you write a letter or something to let them know you are dissatified with the information you received? Maybe let your insurance know?

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#13 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 06:24 PM
 
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wow! - that would have been REALLY hard to sit through! hugs to you!
i think most children go through a similar stage...i know both of my kids went through it with me -- and well....honestly, they are still with me 24/7. the only thing i would say is you and your dh may want to continue to work on your son being comfortable with just his daddy. when my children were babies, my dh and i made a point to let them know they were equally safe and secure with both of us. my children may still cry initally when i leave them with my dh (but NOT the whole time as you described) and i just leave anyway. my husband will comfort them and calm them down - not me. anyway, my dh was the only one i would have considered walking away and letting my child CIO with.....just because i think it's important that my children really understand that their daddy can and will meet their needs. hugs mama. sounds like you are following the right path!!

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#14 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 06:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alexysmommy View Post
I am soooo irritated right now, and just basically need someone to reassure me that i am not a lunatic. : My ped, sent my son to a psychologist, because he said his seperation anxiety was over the top, and severe. (i cant even go to the bathroom , he FLIPS, but he has been in and out of the hospital, and has very severe reflux, his whole life, so i personally think it is completely normal) anyway so i went....ugh this lady is crazy. First she tells me, "if you ever want any time to yourself, you are going to have to let him CIO instead of giving in and taking him with you" and "if he doesnt learn to self soothe, it is going to cause major issues in a few years" MY SON IS ONE!!!!! no, he doesnt like to be away from his momma, and i NEVER leave him alone if he freaks, and YES i pick him up and comfort him when he cries. i am not getting what the problem is. She said "they can do nothing for me if i am not open to letting him CIO" also, she said i should stop nursing him for comfort, because he needs to learn how to comfort himself. every part of my parenting was picked apart, and i dont even know why i was there!!!! because my son absolutely flips out and the one time i DID leave him (w/ his dad) he cried the whole 2 hrs i was gone....well he is still a baby and has never been away from me! what do they expect!! needless to say, i wont be going back. i just was almost in tears when i left, doubting everything i am doing....i mean, i WANT to be able to get away from him every once in awhile...but he is still a baby...wont he grow out of this in time ? or there are other ways to deal with it??? : what is wrong with these people, and they call themselves DR"S and tell who knows how many people it is healthy to let their children scream their heads off....so they learn to be secure : : :
Find a new psychologist. Seriously.

I am in grad school for psychology and we are taught to work within the values of our clients. Not just cultural values but personal values, as well. Yes, there are some things that I would try to encourage as a psychologist but you have to find a way to work with your client and the personal values they have. If she is saying, either CIO or we can't work with you, then find another psychologist and tell her why. She needs to learn to respect her client's values.
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#15 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 06:36 PM
 
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My first son used to have severe separation anxiety too. That's why we stopped using a sitter and I became a SAHM when he was a couple of months old. It's not a sign of anything other than a child who is more comfortable in the arms of his mom. Since then, I haven't had any issues of my children having separation anxiety because I keep them with me until they are past that stage. I realize that I'm lucky to be able to do that.

My son is 7 and hasn't had any separation anxiety since he was 3. He goes to sleepovers, he's attended preschool and school and lots of things without me and is completely securely attatched so he can be without me now. How you know that your child is ready is when they don't look at you for help when someone starts trying to pick them up or talking to involved with them.

My friends used to give me a hard time when I wouldn't leave my babies. I had one always complaining about my not leaving my child, but in the next sentence would talk about how her child would vomit repeatedly at her daycare until she got back to her. She used daycare to shop for groceries: and to teach her child to not depend on her (her words not mine).
Listen to your instincts and I'd possibly look for a new ped. "can't help you?" I think I'd be glad they can't help you. You might look for some information about infant attachment. There are 4 main types, securely attached, attached, somewhat detatched and detatched. If I'm remembering right. It's interesting to read about the levels and what they mean, but it's been a few years since I have....or have needed to
Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)

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#16 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 06:54 PM
 
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My kids are 3 and 6. They still often follow me to the bathroom. I guess I"ve warped them for life. :

I remember ds at about 15 months pounding on the shower door while I took a shower. It's NORMAL. Some kids have severe separation anxiety, others don't. (Ds did, dd didn't.)

And yet, at age 6, ds happily goes to school, wants to know when he can spend the night at his best friend's house, and functions really well when I'm not there.

You can build up slowly to him accepting that you'll be gone - pop into another room, tell him where you're going and be back in 30 seconds. You can let him grow up more so he understands you'll come back. You can reassure him that you are there. As he gets older, you can give him short periods of time where dad takes care of him (I'd start with 15-20 minutes). But really, CIO is absurd.

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#17 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 06:59 PM
 
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Oh my God! Your baby is 1 and they think it is bad to bring them with you into the bathroom? Oh My God! That is so nuts! Try to just block out everything that doc said.
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#18 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 07:14 PM
 
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Our son was never away from me until he was about 18 months, and then only for an hour or so. Nursed constantly (Gi issues/comfort) and co-slept, sling, slept being held, etc. Always on me. He now stays overnight with my sister for whole weekends, ever since he was about 4.5 y/o because he loves her. Honoring their attachment needs fills them with love, it doesn't harm them.

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#19 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 07:17 PM
 
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She is NUTS! Your baby is ONE and has been through a LOT, of course he needs his mama!!!

Follow your heart, follow your instincts. You are not crazy you are doing fine. How mean must that woman be to suggest that you leave the poor little guy to sob and scream without comfort? Kids learn to self-soothe just fine even if you run to them every time they cry. I have 3 kids, ages; 5, 10 and 13 and they are all doing great and do NOT cry over every little thing and can be away from me and all that jazz.

YOU ARE DOING FINE!!!
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#20 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 07:21 PM
 
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We could do a PSA and spam the poor psychologist with research to bring her up to speed about attachment. Or you could just send her a gentle note helping her to become more informed. Here are some articles to share.

Responding to Baby's Cries and why you shouldn't let your baby "cry it out"

Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies
Dr Sears
http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

EARLY BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
What parents and caregivers need to know!
by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
http://www.educarer.com/brain.htm

Crying for comfort: distressed babies need to be held - Art of Mothering
Mothering, Jan-Feb, 2004 by Aletha Solter
http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...onnection.html


The Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry
By Margaret Chuong-Kim, M.A.
http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html


The Science of Attachment:
The Biological Roots of Love
by Lauren Lindsey Porter
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/la...ey_porter.html


The Emotional Infant Brain
Part 1: The developing emotional subsystems of the brain process various information, including how to relate the state of the world with xpectations.
http://www.fresnofamily.com/articles/aa040100a.htm

Stress in Infancy
by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/li...n_palmer2.html

The Science of Attachment
By Kelley Shirazi
http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/5...-parenting.htm

Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking:
Excerpt from Sweet Dreams: A pediatrician's secrets for your child's good night sleep, Lowell House, 22-28 By Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
http://www.nospank.net/fleiss2.htm

8 INFANT SLEEP FACTS EVERY PARENT SHOULD KNOW
Dr Sears
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070200.asp

CONTROLLED CRYING:
AAIMHI POSITION PAPER
The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health:
http://www.gymealily.org/resources_paperva7.htm

Loving Responces to a baby's cries
Copyright (c) 2001 By Ingrid Bauer:
http://www.natural-wisdom.com/lovingresponse.htm

Fatherhood Basic Instinc
A dad can do so much more than defend the cave. New research shows that he too has the biological goods to nurture baby
By John Hoffman
http://www.todaysparent.com/lifeaspa...1225399&page=1

A MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT WARNS THAT POPULAR ADVICE TO IGNORE YOUR CHILD'S TEARS MAY CAUSE LIFE-LONG HARM
Amelia Hill
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/con...ioarticle.html

Why babies should never sleep alone: A review
of the co-sleeping controversy in relation to SIDS,
bedsharing and breast feeding
James J. McKenna* and Thomas McDade
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/arti...should%20n.pdf

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell
http://www.hno.harvard.edu/gazette/1...enNeedTou.html

CIO? No! The case for not using "cry-it-out" with your children
By Gale E.Ward
http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/atta...enting/cio.htm

I have a blog.
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#21 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 07:32 PM
 
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I don't post often, but I wanted to let you know that I agree COMPLETELY with you and you have EVERY right to be upset!!
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#22 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 08:32 PM
 
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Seems like I timed out and my post was just lost...

I wanted to say that it seems really unusual to me that a pediatrician would refer a one year old for this kind of problem or that a psychologist would agree to take the appointment. It gets me wondering if there is more to this than we are hearing in a single post. What kinds of problems are you having? It sounds like there must be something you and the pediatrician are concerned about. What kind of help were you hoping to get? It sounds like you didn't get it so I'm wondering if there is still something going on that you could use help with.
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#23 of 151 Old 08-16-2007, 10:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no, there is nothing else. he asked about how he deals w/ strangers etc at a well check visit, i said he doesnt like to be away from me ever, and so i dont leave him. he asked about how he reacts, i told him, and told him that he cried the one time i did leave him the whole time i was gone, and he said it was unusual that kids usually quiet down after the parents leave...and made the referral. nothing more to it. i wasnt looking for help from her, i only went to the appt so they could see he was "normal" and drop it.

thanks everyone, i was just really upset after that appt today. i know i am doing the right thing, and i shouldnt let it bother me. thanks for those links though, it would be nice to broaden her "techniques" and inform her a bit, i hate to know how many parents actually listen to her advice.:
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#24 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 12:46 AM
 
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I'm a psychologist and an AP mama. Only since having children myself have I come to appreciate the value of professionals who share and support one's own parenting choices. I wrote about this shift in perspective on my blog here. I realize that I am not the woman with whom you worked. Nevertheless, you might find it to be a source of some comfort.
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#25 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 12:57 AM
 
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just off chance, her name isn't betty by any chance is it? I know a child psychologist on another board who sounds like this.
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#26 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 02:24 AM
 
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Just because this woman has a title doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about. Keep following your gut and listening to your ds.
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#27 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 02:27 AM
 
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The OP and Kailey's moms stories are some of the worst thing I have ever heard! What kind of sicko psychologist would recommend that a parent not meet a child's need for love and reassurance!!!?? Sadists, both of them, go ahead and report me for name calling, it's the truth. :
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#28 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 10:03 AM
 
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Ye gods! At first I thought you were talking about your older child and I thought that was bad enough! but the baby!?!? Wow, sounds like that psych. is just looking for some repeat, continued business for the next 20 or 30 years. Gah.
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#29 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 10:33 AM
 
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His separation anxiety is greater than my girls' was/is but his age is a normal age for that. I don't know what I would do, personally, because I NEED "me" time and if I couldn't leave my girls w/ their dad or grandparents I'd go nuts in a very short period of time. I started them on that pretty early, though, so they feel secure with them since they've been cared for by them since the beginning (not the VERY beginning but you know what I mean). I don't think you can just start cold turkey at age one, Perhaps part of his need to be with you WAS created by always being with you, but IMO that's neither here nor there. I think if you try to leave him now, or let him CIO, you're going to be damaging his ability to trust. You are the one person he feels safe with. I wouldn't want to be the one to show him that there's NOBODY who's safe anymore. Dump the shrink, keep the baby

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#30 of 151 Old 08-17-2007, 11:48 AM
 
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I have a high-needs dd and a lower-needs ds - and I can tell you, it's the luck of the draw, baby!

With DS I can leave him with just about anyone at 11 months and he cries a bit but settles right down.

With older DD she had bad separation anxiety until she was almost 3. But I was going crazy so I went ahead and got a sitter for 2 afternoons a week. She cried alot at first but then she got used to her and loved her. Then when we moved, I put her into a nutty-crunchy preschool/daycare when she was about 2 (they use slings there!). She went 2 mornings a week and she cried every time for a month - she was a legend - LOL. i had to come and get her every time after a half-hour. But she eventually bonded with one particular teacher and the others caught on how to soother her and then she loved it.

Whenever I left her with DH, she cried. Until *he* learned to soothe her too.

So I would say, give your DH another chance. it may take several times but he will learn how to help your LO and they will eventually bond enough that you can get out some. And don't forget how much the baby cried right at first until you learned to read him...so give your DH the same time to figure out the different cries.

The other thing i learned from my DD is to just always tell the pediatrician "everything's fine" unless I had a specific worry! Any other answer gets them asking questions and giving you their opinion and it can just confuse things. So when they ask "how's he sleeping?" "oh fine", "how's he eating" "oh fine", "are your still breastfeeding" "it's going fine", etc LOL Just act real confident and they will leave you alone

anyway, hth from another mom whose btdt!
peace,
robyn
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