When is "unmet needs" no longer an excuse? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-27-2007, 02:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by elizawill View Post
what i was referring to is parents (and i've been guilty of this before too i'm sure) who have their child acting in an inappropriate way, and they say ..."i know you're tired but... "fill in the blank". i don't think those word should be the precursor to addressing misbehavior. i'm not really concerned with whether or not we agree on that. i've worked 11 hours today and i'm so beat - so i'm too tired to type a lengthy response.

i think if you are truly addressing your child's needs and helping them identify their feelings - then that's great and i fully agree with you. too many times it comes across sounding like a big excuse from the parent. especially when parents say things like "i know tommy isn't sharing with you - but you still shouldn't bite him". it's better to address that biting is inappropiate - period. then after that .....discuss what emotions your child was feeling and how they could have handled those emotions etc. same thing goes for, "i know you're tired, but we shouldn't hit."
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sarah - i just wanted to come back and add that i just saw this is your thread, so please don't think my chiming in was a direct statement to you at all. honestly i was just skimming through here and the post i responded to stuck out. i thought it was a great point so i was simply agreeing. but my first post was not directed to you and my response now is also generic and a very generalized statement from my personal observations--not at all toward you or this thread. i just wanted to make that clear, as i know sometimes on this msg board it seems comments may feel really personal or attacking - and mine truly arent meant in that manner.

Yes, I think I see what you mean. Maybe I have unintentionally made it more of an excuse. I usually try to be very clear when I address physical violence, like just two very clear and forceful words, like, "No hitting!" or "No biting!" or "Don't bite!" etc. But she's a very verbal child, and also very much a thinker, and she may have extrapolated that I was more accepting of her violent behavior, or at least that I'd be less disapproving, if she had the excuse of being tired.

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Old 08-27-2007, 02:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
Second, I hear that you're concerned about your kids' relationship -- but it's hard for you to regulate that. If he doesn't want to play with her because she's mean to him, that is a better lesson than anything you can teach. Siblings are, for better or worse, where a lot of kids work out just how far you can go.
Honestly, it's not so much that I care if they have a good relationship, it's just that I'm worried about him absorbing her insults. I have to admit, this is because this is what happened in my family of origin. The things my older siblings said to me were excruciatingly painful, and I know that the things we said to my younger sister had the same effect. So I don't care if my dd and ds1 have fun together as much as I don't want her telling him he's stupid. In fact, if they played less and if he liked her less, I probably would be glad, because then I would be less worried about how he feels when she tells him that.

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And this does get better with time. I'm quite enjoying 6. Ds has gained considerably in self-regulation skills and is becoming much more flexible in many, many things than he ever was at 4 or 5. He didn't ever hit much, I'll confess. But he's negotiating more, and more able to roll with the punches. It's our 3 year old who can't transition worth a darn.
This is good to hear! I'll be looking forward to age six.

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Old 08-27-2007, 03:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by natensarah View Post
Honestly, it's not so much that I care if they have a good relationship, it's just that I'm worried about him absorbing her insults. I have to admit, this is because this is what happened in my family of origin. The things my older siblings said to me were excruciatingly painful, and I know that the things we said to my younger sister had the same effect. So I don't care if my dd and ds1 have fun together as much as I don't want her telling him he's stupid. In fact, if they played less and if he liked her less, I probably would be glad, because then I would be less worried about how he feels when she tells him that.
I think that you can put this worry aside until they're both a bit older.

Remember, she's at an age where she's learning the power of words -- so her saying "you're stupid!" is a step forward in her aggression -- she's not hitting. But like a toddler who doesn't quite get how hitting hurts, she doesn't quite understand the effect that words have on people.

Pointing out that it's hurtful, and that it makes people feel bad, just like you do with hitting, helping her understand her need to be alone, and working on transitions (which seem to be an issue) will probably go a long way!

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