Would your dp support your discipline choices... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 09-30-2007, 05:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...even if they were the other extreme. so if you smacked or used strict unishments etc. Also if you parented in other ways - did sleep training or other non ap type things - would your dp be happy top go along with it? I asked dp if he would still support me if I had different views on how we should bring up our children and he said he would always support me. In a way I was a bit dissapointed in that because I dont want it to be me saying right we're going to do A,B, C and we must never do X,Y,Z. I want him to feel the choices we make are important and not just go along with me because we're parents together. The only thing he said he'd pull me up on is if i left a baby to cry - then he said he'd tell me to get my act together because he feels thats wrong.
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#2 of 16 Old 09-30-2007, 08:45 PM
 
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Yep, he would. He had to be convinced to do it this way in the first place. He would have been fine with a scheduled C-sec, CIO, formula feeding, spanking, ect.
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#3 of 16 Old 09-30-2007, 08:58 PM
 
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Nope DP is not down with spanking or any corporal punishment. Of course that is fine because I would never do it! As for CIO maybe but I think the crying would get to him before me if we ever did it...
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#4 of 16 Old 09-30-2007, 10:36 PM
 
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No. My dh was spanked as a kid and thought spanking was OK for boys (WTF?) but now that we have our dd, he admitted to me that he would NEVER EVEN THINK of spanking a child. But, he's also European and very used to cloth, bfing, natural foods, no TV, etc... He also recently told me that he would prefer if I NEVER went back to work full time, even when the kids are older in school.

However, my experience with my X is that he agreed with all the AP/NP stuff when we were married, but had serious probs with some of it (such as vaxing and natural medicine) after we divorced. He conceded that he agreed to my "style" because he loved me then and he did it to get along with me.

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#5 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 03:05 AM
 
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No -- in fact when i've reacted out of anger and spanked our kids, dh has called me on it. He's much more natural than I am at this.

He's also not totally on board with dd still nursing at 3 1/2 - but since it doesn't really involve him (anymore - she's down to 2x a day), it's not an issue. We've more or less agreed to let it go for now.

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#6 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 09:34 AM
 
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I'm not quite sure. I think there are some things he would still do, because he totally agrees with them, but i tend to think there are a few things that he doesn't completely agree with but does because that is how i want it to be. there are also a few things that at first he didn't agree with but now thinks it is best.
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#7 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 12:51 PM
 
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I think dh would have been comfortable with just about anything I suggested. He's always deferred to me and it's actually been very difficult to get him to have an opinion when I want one!
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#8 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 03:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
No -- in fact when i've reacted out of anger and spanked our kids, dh has called me on it. He's much more natural than I am at this.

He's also not totally on board with dd still nursing at 3 1/2 - but since it doesn't really involve him (anymore - she's down to 2x a day), it's not an issue. We've more or less agreed to let it go for now.
Kinda the same here. Dp is totally anti spanking. He just doesn't get how it could ever be considered to be a good thing to do. He has literally never yelled at ds. Never. And never shamed him, etc. And he spends a good deal of time with him. Not as much as I do, but much more than it seems many dads spend with their kids.
However, dp has never called me on yelling or spanking. He tries to be supportive as far as being there for me, and being understanding, and offering some things that he finds helpful with ds (ie, alternative ways for me to deal with the situation). Or he just takes over and tells me to go relax

Now, if he thought I wanted to *keep* spanking or yelling, or I decided that they were valid discipline choices, I imagine that he would have a lot to say about that. (though knowing dp, it would be a very gentle non-judgmental way).

He is supportive of me using SOP techniques, even though *he* personally would not use them. He's more consensual than that. I don't think he really likes the ideas all that much, but he recognizes that it's more gentle than me just going with my first reaction.

He's wanted me to wean for over a year now (ds is 3). He says it's my body, my choice, so he doesn't really have much of a say about it, so he keeps his comments to a minimum.

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#9 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 04:05 PM
 
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Meh. I don't think he's ever thought of it. Our older two are from my previous marriage, so he naturally defers to me with them (obviously) but with our littlest, I know he agrees with co sleeping, bf, no cio (big one, he's mushy, he couldn't let him cry, I know!) etc.

But because of our situation (2nd marriage, et al) I just don't know how it would be if it wasn't like "Shelley is the ol' pro at this, and Jason is learning" you know?

I can't imagine him being all thrilled about spanking, but he was spanked and I don't think he thought anything bad about it b4 we got together. I know he would have a hard time imagining hitting his little baby boy, but I think if (god fobid) I gave him all these impressive reasons to spank he might defer tome on it.

hmmm.

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#10 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 04:07 PM
 
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Also, he is SUCH a gentle man. I just can't picture him yelling, or hitting impulsively. It would def have to be a choice(which would be sick, IMO, just kind of clarifying his character)

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#11 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 05:31 PM
 
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I really don't think so. I *think* that before I educated him, he might have been ok with spanking. But I know when he's been around some of our friends who discipline that way, he has a really hard time with it. And he does not love those kids like he loves my DS .. so it's hard to say for sure.

He's such a gentle soul .. I don't think he would allow much of that stuff without stepping in.

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#12 of 16 Old 10-01-2007, 06:00 PM
 
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Dh had absolutely no interest in kids before he met me and so I've pretty much exposed him to the things that were important to me about parenting and he's agreed with them.

Some stuff -- like not spanking especially -- I think he would have come to himself just because his parents took their bad discipline ideas to such an extreme that he felt it was abusive and wouldn't want to do it to his kids. But other things, especially stuff like helping kids find words for their feelings or not setting up power struggles and picking battles, would have been really hard for him to come to on his own.

I think on his own he'd be more of an authoritarian parent, so he would support me if I were more mainstream than I am. If I went too much less mainstream, though, I think I'd get some resistance from him. He's really invested in some 'discipline' in the house. So we've got a good balance.

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#13 of 16 Old 10-04-2007, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mistymama View Post
I really don't think so. I *think* that before I educated him, he might have been ok with spanking. But I know when he's been around some of our friends who discipline that way, he has a really hard time with it. And he does not love those kids like he loves my DS .. so it's hard to say for sure.

He's such a gentle soul .. I don't think he would allow much of that stuff without stepping in.
yeah thats how dp is. although I dont think he would have thought to parent this way he has really took it all onboard and is now shocked by how other people do things. He can even be a little bit judgemental at times when he sees things and comments about how better our way is - oops. Hes even become a bit of a lactivist despite his initial resction being 'do as you like'.
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#14 of 16 Old 10-06-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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No. He is totally against yelling and hitting. He is quite gentle and the absolute best daddy!

When dd was just a few weeks old, we were very sleep deprived. His mom kept tellign me to let dd cry for a bit so that she would "learn" to fall asleep and not need us so much. Well one night I decided that she had 3 kids, so maybe I was wrong and we should let her cry. This was a few nights before we started to co-sleep. At that time she slept great. Anyways, so I told him that we needed to let her cry for 10 minutes and then we could get her. She was in the pack and play next to the bed. He lasted for 6 minutes and told me that that was just wrong. : We never let her do it again.
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#15 of 16 Old 10-07-2007, 12:08 AM
 
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my x would fight me if I ever tried to circ or vax or daycare, loves that we co-sleep and still breastfeed. BUT he wished I would spank- figure that one out- weird!

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#16 of 16 Old 10-08-2007, 07:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Had another nice chat with dp because he sometimes complains about Adam still needing me so much in the night. He'd said on another occasion that we should do everything the saqme with our next child so I asked did that include sleep or would he consider sleep training. He said 'I know I have a moan sometimes but that doesnt mean I'd let our baby suffer for my convenience' . Sometimes I realise that actually he does get itand its not all about what i'd told him.
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