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#91 of 105 Old 10-22-2007, 10:03 PM
 
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My mom told me she wanted to kill herself today. It might be wrong but I actually laughed at her. If I sympathize it'll go on for hours.

I know she won't because it goes so completely against her beliefs. I just told her she was being over dramatic. It's an awfully permanent solution to her temporary problem. Sigh. Her mood swings fast enough she won't be talking like that tomorrow though.

Aye, Aye, Aye.

Been a good day here today though!
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#92 of 105 Old 10-22-2007, 10:58 PM
 
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I've appreciated this thread.

I too don't know if I really fit here. I'm not sure if I would go as far as to say my mom abused me growing up. Verbally maybe. Physically? Not sure.

My mom was an angry person and she yelled a lot. Growing up you weren't allowed to have an opinion that differed from hers and if you did you got in trouble. As younger kids that meant a spanking & as we got older it was usually just being yelled at or grounded. One memory that sticks out very vividly in my mind was when I was 13. My mom & I were arguing and I think I said I hated her and she smacked me hard in the mouth. I had braces and I remember my gums were bleeding & she felt bad but yet never apologized. Her way of showing you she felt badly was to buy you something. I don't ever remember her apologizing for anything.

I don't remember hearing her say I love you or being hugged or kissed. I remember a few hugs, times when I was leaving town for a few days or something like that.

My mom frequently told me I talked to much, that I was a brat, that I was spoiled, that she liked my sister more than me, etc. She always did it semi-jokingly but I always believed her.

She never respected my privacy. Even at 18 she'd never knock before coming into my room & more than once I'd found out she'd read my journals.

I'm 26 years old and she still does things to hurt me. I don't know why she does it but I truly believe she does it intentionally. An example is... My son has a seizure disorder. We brought him to the Mayo clinic a couple months ago to try to find the cause of the seizures. He has other issues including GI issues, low tone, delays, etc... The GI really thought we should have a scope done. Talk was also made of a muscle biopsy and spinal tap. When I called to tell my mom she started telling me how "she'd never let them do all of that to a little baby" and how maybe I just don't feed him enough. She was angry but I didn't know how angry until I talked to my grandma who told me my mom had told her that I was just young and didn't know what I was doing and that my nephew had low tone and my sister didn't have to make a big deal about it by taking him for a second opinion(although the low tone wasn't the reason we got the 2nd opinion at all) and she said a lot of things about me that made me feel like I was just blowing everything out of proportion and nothing drastic was wrong with our son and I shouldn't be letting them do all of these invasive things. She made it seem like I wanted them done, somehow for my own benefit, and that I was stupid.

That was 2 months ago and I still think about it every time I talk to her. She frequently makes me feel like I'm not making the right decisions and I honestly believe that part of it is that she feels guilty for not making some better decisions at my age and it must make her feel better to think I'm obviously making wrong decisions in her mind as well.

Anyway, this is all affecting the way I parent. I've stopped spanking for the most part although I did spank my 4 year old the other day after many, many months of having not. My problem is the yelling though. I yell too much and my 4 year old has picked up on it a lot and yells frequently to her sister and I can see her own rage. It's scary and it scares me. I don't want to be MY mom. I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.

Nicole, mom of 3. Mitochondrial Disease.: Epilepsy
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#93 of 105 Old 10-22-2007, 11:54 PM
 
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My son has a seizure disorder. We brought him to the Mayo clinic a couple months ago to try to find the cause of the seizures. He has other issues including GI issues, low tone, delays, etc... The GI really thought we should have a scope done. Talk was also made of a muscle biopsy and spinal tap. When I called to tell my mom she started telling me how "she'd never let them do all of that to a little baby" and how maybe I just don't feed him enough. She was angry but I didn't know how angry until I talked to my grandma who told me my mom had told her that I was just young and didn't know what I was doing and that my nephew had low tone and my sister didn't have to make a big deal about it by taking him for a second opinion(although the low tone wasn't the reason we got the 2nd opinion at all) and she said a lot of things about me that made me feel like I was just blowing everything out of proportion and nothing drastic was wrong with our son and I shouldn't be letting them do all of these invasive things. She made it seem like I wanted them done, somehow for my own benefit, and that I was stupid.
Do you think she's genuinely worried about him, and this is her way of coping with it? Maybe she feels better if she can minimize YOUR concerns and dismiss you as incompetent, because then she won't have to face the fear of having a grandson with health problems. I also thought it was interesting that your grandma passed on all of what your mom said about you. What kind of mother was your grandmother?

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I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.
None of us are perfect. It sounds to me like you're doing great!

Mommy to kids

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#94 of 105 Old 10-23-2007, 12:13 AM
 
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Do you think she's genuinely worried about him, and this is her way of coping with it? Maybe she feels better if she can minimize YOUR concerns and dismiss you as incompetent, because then she won't have to face the fear of having a grandson with health problems. I also thought it was interesting that your grandma passed on all of what your mom said about you. What kind of mother was your grandmother?



None of us are perfect. It sounds to me like you're doing great!
Yeah, I thought the same thing about my grandmother. Almost as if she wanted me to be upset with my mom because it made her look better since she kept saying, "Well I support you". I wonder sometimes what she really thinks about it all also.

I do think part of it is that my mom is worried about him & doesn't know how else to deal with it.

Nicole, mom of 3. Mitochondrial Disease.: Epilepsy
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#95 of 105 Old 10-23-2007, 02:32 AM
 
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my3peanuts, it's so hard to process it all, isn't it? you're dealing with your own childhood through being a mother and seeing your childhood reflected in your children. i'm going through this same process and it is agonizing at times. i think when you're feeling down on yourself, that's the best time to treat yourself like a queen...take a hot bubble bath with a great book or magazine, go for a walk, get together with a friend, etc.

i don't remember to do this enough, but when my cup is empty it's really time to spend time on me...then i'm a better mother and partner and all the rest.

you're not alone and processing the past is painful. but everyday you have a new opportunity to do it differently with your kids and to take care of yourself and the wounds you've been carrying around.

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#96 of 105 Old 10-23-2007, 08:55 AM
 
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I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.
This really resonated with me. My parents tried to buy my love as well. When really what I needed most was a hug or two. I feel like I don't spend enough time with my kids as well. It's something I'm constantly working on. As well as giving them hugs when I'm angry but they are hurting. Right now, it's like trying to move a mountian. Anyway, thanks for posting. I hope you were able to get help for you son. That must be hard to go through.
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#97 of 105 Old 10-30-2007, 09:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by my3peanuts
I want to do better than that. I want my kids to FEEL loved. The other day I'd had a very long day with my 4 year old dd and I ended up shopping later that evening and bought her a necklace. It was my way of saying, "I'm sorry for yelling at you so much. I love you. Accept this necklace as my way of saying I'm sorry." And ya know, that's exactly what my mom would do. Her way of showing us love was to buy us things. I don't want that. I want my dd to know I love her no matter what. Not only to feel it through material possessions.

I don't spend enough time with my kids. I don't play with them. I don't read to them. I feel like I'm a good mom, but definitely not as good as I could be, or should be. I don't neglect them in an abusive way but I'm not there for them like I could be.
This is how I've been feeling lately, and it makes me so sad. DH and I have had some things to tackle in the house the last 3 days and we were both going at it non-stop. This left my little guy to fend for himself. He does enjoy playing alone but he gets tired of it and comes hunting for us and if we don't pay attention to him, he acts out of sorts. He went through my cosmetics and dumped everything on the carpet, then he proceeded to rub it in with his hands :. I know this is normal behaviour but I didn't handle the situation to well. Then, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I feel guilty and it lingers for days and I obsess about it. I too want me child to feel love and to know that he is okay and that he has us there for him always. I am also PMS'ing right now which isin't helping things, I get very tense very easily and then I hate myself afterwards :

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#98 of 105 Old 10-30-2007, 12:45 PM
 
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I've appreciated this thread.
I don't want to be MY mom. I want to do better than that.
Well, from my own experience, I would say awareness is a great first step. We all need help and support if we don't want to "be our parents", though. Otherwise, I do believe we will tend to act toward our children the same way in which we were brought up. It's really hard not to - those patterns are so deep.

I really support you getting whatever help you need, in whatever form, to feel more at ease about your past, and more confident in how you parent your son. From your post, it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and is guiding you in the direction you need to go!
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#99 of 105 Old 10-30-2007, 11:54 PM
 
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Thanks for all your stories and insights, I have been reading this thread in its entirety over the past couple weeks.

I think I, too, fall into the 'not-really-seriously-abused' category, but 'traumatic childhood' would apply. A lot of what you all are saying really resonates with me...

My childhood:
-depressed mom, unhappy with marriage, and unhappy staying home full-time
-dad unhappy, and raised in very dysfunctional household, grandma is a piece of work
-no one really said "I love you" or hugged
-No real hitting, occasionally spanking, both parents did the arm grab and the nasty tone of voice. Severe verbal abuse to my brother, who wet the bed.
-divorce at age 12, then I was emotional support for my dad, and did the whole torn between 2 parents. Grew up fast.
-no one taught me appropriate ways to express or cope with anger, in fact I was taught that I wasn't ALLOWED to be angry.

Now:
-I have a sense of Anger Entitlement, as in, "I am angry and I need to be acknowledged NOW." Major trigger for me if someone is blowing off my feelings, even if they are three years old.
-Other triggers include hunger, fatigue, infliction of physical pain (if I get hit my reaction is to hit back, THAT took some controlling), interference when I am in perfectionist mode.
-Emotional confrontation is difficult, because when I am really hurting I am scared that I will be rejected, because that is what would happen when I was a kid. So I withdraw and hope someone (dh) will notice, and no one (dh)does, then I get depressed. (Although, I am thinking now that it has been quite a while since I did that dance. This is good!)
-regularly fighting depression, don't take meds, but try to do a lot of self-care.

Coping strategies:
-Tell my kids/DH I love them all the time, try to say nice things about them, express appreciation.
-Lots of hugging, stroking, cuddling
-try to have fun and laugh, do the playful parenting
-consciously make eye contact w/kids when things are good. (Hmmm... need to do that more w/DH) It was wierd, no one in my family really made eye contact growing up. I am uncomfortable with a lot of eye contact in personal relationships.
-apologize when I get angry and talk about what I did that wasn't right and what I will try to do next time instead, and how we should all try every day to be nice and gentle with one another, but everyone makes mistakes and needs to practice
-accept what has happened and try not to beat self up about it, this is difficult since I ruminate about everything.

Today's moments:
-I let the kids make a mess with packing peanuts (okay, by the time I decided to let them play with them, it was already a mess, and I chose to let it go and clean it up later.) When (a while) later I said it was time to clean up, I asked DS (3) to help, and he kept playing in a way that made more mess. It escalated to yelling, then I took him up to his room. (I was saving this for only when I am losing control, accidentally discovered that it helps him cool off, then he comes back and) apologizes voluntarily. he then helped clean up and enjoyed doing it. (trigger: interference)
-I yelled when he was grabbing at stuff while I was trying to make lunch. (trigger: hungry even though I did not feel physically hungry at all, I notice I lose it A LOT before lunchtime and dinnertime--also because I am trying to cook)
-More yelling when trying to get ready to go out in afternoon. Tell DS I am ready to help put on shoes, he won't come over. I get up to change baby's diaper/do other things to get ready, he whines b/c I am not helping him put on shoes. Baby (14 mos)protests and fights diaper change, which is a large messy BM, DS is whining and I am going out of my mind. (trigger: everyone being difficult at the same time: I am not a multitasker. Also tired and the whining kills me. One time we were driving in the car, and DS was whining that he wanted to go home and get a toy despite having 4 other toys in the car. He said, "Turn around and go hoooome..." over and over. I coped by counting how many times he said it: thirty)

Only three times today, and no complete loss of control. A decent day.

-dflanag2
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#100 of 105 Old 10-30-2007, 11:57 PM
 
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I coped by counting how many times he said it: thirty)
Love that!

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#101 of 105 Old 10-31-2007, 12:56 AM
 
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Thanks for all your stories and insights, I have been reading this thread in its entirety over the past couple weeks.

I think I, too, fall into the 'not-really-seriously-abused' category, but 'traumatic childhood' would apply. A lot of what you all are saying really resonates with me...

My childhood:
-depressed mom, unhappy with marriage, and unhappy staying home full-time
-dad unhappy, and raised in very dysfunctional household, grandma is a piece of work
-no one really said "I love you" or hugged
-No real hitting, occasionally spanking, both parents did the arm grab and the nasty tone of voice. Severe verbal abuse to my brother, who wet the bed.
-divorce at age 12, then I was emotional support for my dad, and did the whole torn between 2 parents. Grew up fast.
-no one taught me appropriate ways to express or cope with anger, in fact I was taught that I wasn't ALLOWED to be angry.

Now:
-I have a sense of Anger Entitlement, as in, "I am angry and I need to be acknowledged NOW." Major trigger for me if someone is blowing off my feelings, even if they are three years old.
-Other triggers include hunger, fatigue, infliction of physical pain (if I get hit my reaction is to hit back, THAT took some controlling), interference when I am in perfectionist mode.
-Emotional confrontation is difficult, because when I am really hurting I am scared that I will be rejected, because that is what would happen when I was a kid. So I withdraw and hope someone (dh) will notice, and no one (dh)does, then I get depressed. (Although, I am thinking now that it has been quite a while since I did that dance. This is good!)
-regularly fighting depression, don't take meds, but try to do a lot of self-care.

Coping strategies:
-Tell my kids/DH I love them all the time, try to say nice things about them, express appreciation.
-Lots of hugging, stroking, cuddling
-try to have fun and laugh, do the playful parenting
-consciously make eye contact w/kids when things are good. (Hmmm... need to do that more w/DH) It was wierd, no one in my family really made eye contact growing up. I am uncomfortable with a lot of eye contact in personal relationships.
-apologize when I get angry and talk about what I did that wasn't right and what I will try to do next time instead, and how we should all try every day to be nice and gentle with one another, but everyone makes mistakes and needs to practice
-accept what has happened and try not to beat self up about it, this is difficult since I ruminate about everything.

Today's moments:
-I let the kids make a mess with packing peanuts (okay, by the time I decided to let them play with them, it was already a mess, and I chose to let it go and clean it up later.) When (a while) later I said it was time to clean up, I asked DS (3) to help, and he kept playing in a way that made more mess. It escalated to yelling, then I took him up to his room. (I was saving this for only when I am losing control, accidentally discovered that it helps him cool off, then he comes back and) apologizes voluntarily. he then helped clean up and enjoyed doing it. (trigger: interference)
-I yelled when he was grabbing at stuff while I was trying to make lunch. (trigger: hungry even though I did not feel physically hungry at all, I notice I lose it A LOT before lunchtime and dinnertime--also because I am trying to cook)
-More yelling when trying to get ready to go out in afternoon. Tell DS I am ready to help put on shoes, he won't come over. I get up to change baby's diaper/do other things to get ready, he whines b/c I am not helping him put on shoes. Baby (14 mos)protests and fights diaper change, which is a large messy BM, DS is whining and I am going out of my mind. (trigger: everyone being difficult at the same time: I am not a multitasker. Also tired and the whining kills me. One time we were driving in the car, and DS was whining that he wanted to go home and get a toy despite having 4 other toys in the car. He said, "Turn around and go hoooome..." over and over. I coped by counting how many times he said it: thirty)

Only three times today, and no complete loss of control. A decent day.

-dflanag2
I think it's great how in touch you are with all the triggers and your background! I am going to try and do a similar thing for myself. I know one of my huge triggers is when the baby is fussing and I'm trying to help one of the older kids. I just start feeling so anxious!

Mommy to kids

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#102 of 105 Old 11-08-2007, 11:21 AM
 
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I'm going to bump this thread back, with a question. Does name-calling trigger extreme anger in anyone else? I had a couple of blow-ups with my daughter in the past few days, although overall, I've really been doing so well. It was very disappointing, but in thinking through the incidents, I realized that she is experimenting with "potty language" and the name-calling just set me off before I could choose how to respond.

We have found that a more playful approach really works "Gosh, I can't hear you when you say those words!" or calmly saying, "Potty words are only for the bathroom," but of course, I didn't do those things. I yelled, and she escalated too in response.

I was tormeted by other kids a lot growing up, with a lot of name-calling, and I think it just bothers me in a very deep way. Good to know, I suppose.
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#103 of 105 Old 11-08-2007, 11:30 AM
 
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not name calling but when my ds spits in my face it does. : He is in a spitting phase. He likes to spit out carrots in his sisters hair and spit water and stuff. I am avoiding a major disaster of a tantrum that I really want to throw. Its really really hard.
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#104 of 105 Old 11-30-2007, 02:05 PM
 
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Does anyone want to resurrect this thread? I was just a lurker mostly, but I could really use the support here again. I was not abused as a child, but did witness a lot of anger from my parents and others. And I definitely have anger issues. I've been doing a lot better in general, but yesterday I lost it and spanked. I feel terrible. I just need a place to admit that and get back on the wagon. I'm a good mama, I know that, but I so want to be the mama my kids really deserve.:

Even on my good weeks/months, I yell too often. I really want to stop.

I found a site I liked the other day that I think I'm going to work on:
gettheangriesout.com
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#105 of 105 Old 11-30-2007, 06:21 PM
 
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Mama have you been to the Parenting and Rage thread? There are a lot of btdt ideas to help cool the fiery reactions, and help to recognize our triggers and choose our reactions. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

Also, if there are specific discipline issues, consider asking for some brainstorming help in GD.



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