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#1 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 09:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is it possible to start a semi support thread here for those of us that want to talk about this subject and yet don't qualify for the "surviving abuse" forum? There are things I want to address and talk about because I know my upbringing is affecting how I am handling disciplining my own child and I am so frustrated right now. I really would like to reach out, but I am intimidated because I have seen how some can attack others on here when they open up.

Thoughts?

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#2 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 10:25 AM
 
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I would love to talk about it too. Although I have the some of the same fears about being too honest about how I feel some days. :

I'm certainly willing to give it a try with you!
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#3 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would love to talk about it too. Although I have the some of the same fears about being too honest about how I feel some days. :

I'm certainly willing to give it a try with you!
Alrighty then, I will start.

I will just summarize by stating that I grew up in an angry household. There was lots of verbal abuse and some physical abuse as well (non-sexual). I find now with my only child (he is 34 months) that I am having a difficult time dealing with my own anger. I have addressed this issue before through counciling, and have been instructed to walk away when I recongize the anger brewing. However there are days when I just explode. I have smacked my son's hand and I tell myself that I will never hit him anywhere else, and I have justified the hand hitting because he is into something dangerous. I know that this is wrong, I know he see's my anger and there have been times when he will cry and say "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!" as if to say "I trust you, why are you acting out this way towards me?" is how I take his cry. I am riddled with guilt for days after the episode. The next time it comes up when I feel like I might lose it again, I keep talking inside my head saying "remember how you dwelled on this the last time and how bad you felt" but it doesn't always work.

***In my efforts to post on this topic, I would like to hear from others who have found themselves in similar situations, I am not looking for people to lame baste me and convict me on what I have done are am doing to my child. Please respect this and perhaps others will feel more comfortable coming out about their own personal circumstances.
Thank you.

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#4 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 10:38 AM
 
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Count me in. Both my parents believe in spanking and in general parented with fear. I still have an extremely hard time expressing my emotions which makes it so difficult to teach my dc to express theirs.

When I get really angry I find myself not wanting to go calm myself, because I need somewhere for my rage to go. Currently, J is generally my target for venting. : I haven't actually smacked her in a few years, but I am entirely too rough with her when I am angry. I recently grabbed her arm which threw her off balance and she hit her head on the wall. :

The hardest times for me are when my dh is out of town or working long hours. Thankfully, neither happen very often. One thing that keeps me going is the hope that I haven't done permanent damage and there is time for me to become the parent I want to be.
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#5 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 11:26 AM
 
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Similar here. My mom was a screamer & verbally abusive.

I often wonder if maybe people who grow up with parents who manage their emotions better learn those coping skills by watching their parents - without even knowing it, kwim?

I certainly didn't learn them by watching my mother! Or my dad who seemed to be just as scared of her as we were : There were a couple of times I can remember him grabbing her physically off of me & dragging her into another room. But if it was verbal he just let it go. I think with no understanding that I'd have much rather she started hitting me so he'd make it stop.

I'm grateful for having read all these attachment parenting books because I want SO SO badly to break the cycle in my family. My mom is like her mom, etc. My mom's brothers & sisters are just like her. I have one brother who is parenting just like my mom did (and he hates her for it but he's doing it to his kids... )

But it's so hard. Some days it is more of a struggle than others. Some days I want to just freak out & scream & scream at someone.

So this is so stupid sounding but I swear it's worked for me all summer (as my daughter gets closer & closer to being two - you know what that means!).

When she is driving me mad in my head I promise myself something. All summer it's been a snocone. (I have a shaved ice machine & syrups here at home). But it isn't always a snocone - it just has to be something you really really love - some great food or chocolate or a book or a bubble bath - whatever works for you.

So in my head I'm saying "If I don't scream/freak/throw anything, then I get a snocone when she goes to bed."

On really bad days I get one at naptime & bedtime.

Sometimes I go a couple of weeks without even having one & sometimes I have one a couple times a day several days in a row.

Anyway - so far that coping mechanism is helping me TONS. I need to think of something else for the winter though because this is Wyoming & I don't like to have a snocone when it's subzero temps outside!

Oh - and my DH works on the railroad - which means he's gone for 1-2 days and then home a day, repeat. I'm like a married single parent for the most part. It's hard to get relief sometimes.
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#6 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:20 PM
 
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I have smacked my son's hand and I tell myself that I will never hit him anywhere else, and I have justified the hand hitting because he is into something dangerous. I know that this is wrong, I know he see's my anger and there have been times when he will cry and say "maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa!" as if to say "I trust you, why are you acting out this way towards me?" is how I take his cry.
I've been in this situation. Except for me, I couldn't even justify it that he was into something dangerous. (he was hitting me. ha ha! What an excellent way to teach a child NOT to hit, right?) Another time he was scareing (sp) a dog we were dogsitting, and I just snapped.

I was not abused (I'm sorry if I don't fit in this thread). But my dad did physically and verbally abuse my mom, and us kids saw it at times. I've never really applied this to anything, but sometimes it makes me wonder exactly how it affected us.

Anyways, I mostly wanted to let you know that most people here wouldn't flame you for your post. I know for sure that there's no way I would

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#7 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been in this situation. Except for me, I couldn't even justify it that he was into something dangerous. (he was hitting me. ha ha! What an excellent way to teach a child NOT to hit, right?) Another time he was scareing (sp) a dog we were dogsitting, and I just snapped.

I was not abused (I'm sorry if I don't fit in this thread). But my dad did physically and verbally abuse my mom, and us kids saw it at times. I've never really applied this to anything, but sometimes it makes me wonder exactly how it affected us.

Anyways, I mostly wanted to let you know that most people here wouldn't flame you for your post. I know for sure that there's no way I would
(Just so you know, this still qualifies as "abuse" to the children...) Thanks for sharing.

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#8 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:29 PM
 
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I think you fit too! Any verbal abuse in a home leaves its mark on every member of the household!
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#9 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:30 PM
 
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couldn't read without posting

It's really, really hard to keep your wits about you and stay even-keeled when your little delight finds no greater joy on earth than to smack you on the head with a drum stick. The look on his face after I've raised my voice to him ... : Seeing him react to me that way, like I've broken his heart, is enough deterrent right now.

I had a lot of yellers in my family, and a lot of emotional manipulators. One of the only things I can remember about my father's mother, who everyone assures me was sooo sweet and wonderful, was her pained scowl. She wore it almost constantly if she was around children. I have this fear that my son will remember me from his infancy as the lady with the pained scowl.

Actually, that's an exaggeration - most days are wonderful. My son amazes me and fills me with joy, even when he's taking a huge crap on the floor or trying to pull open the oven door while I'm cooking. I say OM a lot.
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#10 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Count me in. Both my parents believe in spanking and in general parented with fear. I still have an extremely hard time expressing my emotions which makes it so difficult to teach my dc to express theirs.

When I get really angry I find myself not wanting to go calm myself, because I need somewhere for my rage to go. Currently, J is generally my target for venting. : I haven't actually smacked her in a few years, but I am entirely too rough with her when I am angry. I recently grabbed her arm which threw her off balance and she hit her head on the wall. :

The hardest times for me are when my dh is out of town or working long hours. Thankfully, neither happen very often. One thing that keeps me going is the hope that I haven't done permanent damage and there is time for me to become the parent I want to be.
I found your response to be extremely touching, especially the "entirely too rough" part as I do this often too. I justify by saying to myself "well what I really wanted to do was much much worse, so this is not so bad"...when in fact my DS has no clue as to what my own personal battle is. My DH works shift work so I have alot of one-on-one with DS too.

Where can we let the rage go? One time I thought I was going to snap and grabbed a pillow and screamed my bloody head off into it...DS was just looking at me, probably wondering what the heck was going on. I wish I could take it all back, all the nasty times, all the times I was a real grouch and meany to him, and yes I too try to look ahead to being the parent I wish I could become...

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#11 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:39 PM
 
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I'm in too. I try very hard to not be my mother. But some days I feel just like her (minus the alcohol ). She was very detached from us. It is hard to explain, you never were validated, your feelings were never ok. And when she couldn't "deal" with us ... it was just ugly. They were spankers (but mild), but their words cut you like a knife. The words were the worst, and they teased as a way to show you how "dumb" you or your idea was. Even now I am uncomfortable with feelings or talking about my ideas or thoughts, right away I will be defensive. I don't spank, but once in a while I have heard the most horrible things come out of my mouth. Right now it is with my 6 year old. Recently, I said something that bothered me for days (and still does when I think of it). How do I forgive myself? I get so angry this horrible verbal vomit of words comes out. For some reason the elementary years are so hard for me. Babies and toddlers are easy and adorable to me, but elementary school age is hard. My ds is smart and funny and wonderful, but he gets on my nerves and it isn't his fault. It is a fault in me that I am working on. Sometimes I just feel so angry at this little 6 year old boy who wants my attention and I can't figure out why. I feel like I pick on him or scapegoat him for all the problems. Lately he is nervous, chewing on his fingers or shirt, and I know this is my fault.

Anyway, no flaming or bashing from me! I know how hard it is.
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#12 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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Count me in. I grew up with a lot of yelling and hitting from my older sister who practically raised us. My dh and I have anger issues and are looking for a different way to discipline, hence gd. We aren't succeeding very well though. A lot of it gets directed to my 4 year old dd who is VERY strong willed. I can totally relate to the whole being too rough, I find myself grabbing arms to put them in time out or to seperate them when they're fighting and they drop and all I can think of is "Oh my god, I'm going to dislocate their shoulders". We are working towards building a trusting, calm relationship with our children, but as we were both raised in anger, we're having a hard time letting it go.

I love that idea of promising yourself something at the end of the day. Kinda good motivation.

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#13 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 12:46 PM
 
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I justify by saying to myself "well what I really wanted to do was much much worse, so this is not so bad"...when in fact my DS has no clue as to what my own personal battle is.
That is so true and something I think about often. Either way she still feels sad, hurt, scared and disconnected from me which is what I want to avoid in the first place.
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#14 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:03 PM
 
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(Just so you know, this still qualifies as "abuse" to the children...) Thanks for sharing.
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I think you fit too! Any verbal abuse in a home leaves its mark on every member of the household!
Wow...what a startling revelation. I have to digest this a bit.


Like the pp said, even though I've only hit ds a couple times, I have a tendency to revert to being too rough when I'm getting really angry. It doesn't help that I have space issues. He wanted me to read a book, and was putting it up in my face. I'd asked him to stop, he didn't, and I eventually grabbed the book and threw it across the room. Similar scenarios have happened a couple times.

Dp is appalled when I tell him that stuff. He never says much (other than trying to be helpful), but I can see it that he doesn't understand how anyone could react in that way.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#15 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There has been one way of coping that has helped me to prevent any rages (from me towards DS)...because I know the times I am most prone to them are when I am alone with him, when DH is working. I have alot of internal dialogue going on, and I remind myself:

Quote:
I am going to be alone with DS...now I have to think of all the things that could possibly go wrong, like dumping my coffee on the white carpet, throwing the roll of toilet paper in the bath, refusing to go for naps, going near something dangerous and not coming to me when I call him...any of these and many more could happen and I have to promise myself that when it happens, I will not allow that monster in me to surface...I will simply take a deep breath and keep repeating "I love you my little guy...I love you sooooooo much and I so want to protect you from any of the horrible things that have happened to me and I don't ever want you to be afraid of me, or feel fear from my actions"
If I am able to have this dialogue regularily and practice practice practice being self disciplined, this does help sometimes...

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#16 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...he wanted me to read a book, and was putting it up in my face. I'd asked him to stop, he didn't, and I eventually grabbed the book and threw it across the room...
This reminded me of something that I had learned when I was in counciling (years ago for relationship issues) and the therapyst had reverted back to my up bringing and explained to me that my parents took my actions personally as if the things I did were to intentionaly piss them off. I am guilty of doing this myself, when DS is insistent in wanting something NOW and I am not able to and he will constantly pester me, I take it personally and I know I shouldn't. Alot of the tension I feel towards DS is because his actions are reverting me back to my younger self and how helpless I felt back then as a small child. I can analyse all I want but in the immediate, it is the inner rage that I stuggle with and have to learn how to deal with before it takes over.

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#17 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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I think it's wonderful that you are trying to break the cycle and are looking for others to confide in to help you along the way. This parenting thing is hard work, even if we were all somehow able to come to it with a clean slate. But, we all have our pasts to deal with, and many times, how we were raised is the only childrearing we've ever seen first hand. It's hard to find another way when you only know one way. You're sure to mess up along the journey to where you want to be for your children.

I just wanted to say that I think it's wonderful you're looking for support and opening up and willing to share your struggles with others.
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#18 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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I love this idea!

My mother is an emotional manipulator and dad was a spanker. There was a lot of emotional neglect in my house growing up, a lot of anger, and a lot of lying (on my part) because my parents would punish me for everything that was even slightly "out of line." My mother still says things like "how could you do this to me?" about personal decisions I make (like how many cats I choose to have) and it makes me feel SOOOOOOO awful. :

I don't have a child (yet), but I've found myself getting into those rages with my puppy. We're going through adolescence with her, and some days I just want to punch walls I'm SO mad. And now that I'm pregnant and starting to feel the mood swings? I just remind myself every day that I never want to see my puppy flinch from my hand again and don't want my child to ever know what I knew growing up.

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#19 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:28 PM
 
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There is also support, wisdom, and btdt ideas in the "Parenting and Rage" thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ng+abuse+forum

And the "ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ng+abuse+forum

Any adult survivors of childhood abuse out there?:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ng+abuse+forum

I agree, that parenting gently is harder without gentle models in our own childhood; and can see how this forum provides a different focus.


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#20 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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Similar here. My mom was a screamer & verbally abusive.

I often wonder if maybe people who grow up with parents who manage their emotions better learn those coping skills by watching their parents - without even knowing it, kwim? .
YES!!! I just read "Parenting From the Inside Out", which is about how our children are literally hard-wired by our reactions to them. So if you get pissed off and scream at your two year old one too many times, their brains actually form different synapses and don't develop as well as they could. It's a little more complicated than that, but I can't remember all of the parts that are affected.

I kind of wish I hadn't read it, because I feel even more pressure now. It was interesting though, because as I was reading it I was talking to my mom and sisters about it, and they kept saying, "Maybe you shouldn't read that right now, that'll just put a lot of pressure on you." Anyway, I think part of the reason they thought I shouldn't is because it's forced me to acknowledge that my mother was way, way too rough, and that's kind of a yucky thing to think about. I don't know if I feel comfortable calling her abusive. By today's standards she would be. In those days she wasn't. But it was still scary, and the worse part was that she was so unpredictable. In a lot of ways, she didn't "punish", especially not consistently. She just lashed out. And was so angry so often.

So I belong here too. Thanks for starting the thread. I frequently struggle with losing it. One thing that is very helpful is to arrange my life so that the stress doesn't get too much. At first I felt silly doing this, like going to the grocery store should not be that big of a deal. But now I've noticed that the calmer and more organized I can keep our lives, the more I can stay in control. And then, when unavoidable stress comes up, I'm less likely to lose it because I'm out of the habit.

I'm interested to hear other ideas!

Mommy to kids

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#21 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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i don't know if my childhood homelife counts as abusive but my mom suffers from severe depression and was very intolerant of me as a child. my memory of her from that time mostly involves her locking herself in the bathroom and yelling at me to go away we still have a very difficult relationship.

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For some reason the elementary years are so hard for me. Babies and toddlers are easy and adorable to me, but elementary school age is hard. My ds is smart and funny and wonderful, but he gets on my nerves and it isn't his fault. It is a fault in me that I am working on.
this is me to a T and i hate it. at the end of the day yesterday (after a long weekend basically alone with 2 kids) i cried and cried about these feelings and the dynamic between me and my son. i find myself getting so frustrated and angry - yelling, sending him to his room and basically dragging him when he refuses i know this is not okay. i love him and we have some really great time together but overall i wish i could just relax and enjoy him more. i find so much of his behavior annoying and grating even though the rational part of myself knows he's just a kid with a lot of energy who wants to play and be silly.

after my minibreakdown, i started reading "liberated parents, liberated children" and this morning tried to implement some of those tools. it was actually good and i'm hoping to continue even though i know there will still be bumps in the road.
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#22 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i don't know if my childhood homelife counts as abusive but my mom suffers from severe depression and was very intolerant of me as a child. my memory of her from that time mostly involves her locking herself in the bathroom and yelling at me to go away
...neglect...even though it may have been totally unintentional on her part..is classified as abuse. Can you share some of the tools that you learned in your reading?

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#23 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 02:18 PM
 
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Sure, sounds like a great idea. It is always easier to talk with someone who has been there themselves than someone who is trying empathize with no history of their own.
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#24 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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Alot of the tension I feel towards DS is because his actions are reverting me back to my younger self and how helpless I felt back then as a small child.

I see so much of myself in all of your posts....:

I struggle too every day and every day it seems like I yell at DD or sometimes do the mommy arm grab....sometimes I get so angry I just WANT to see her cry - that's the child in me coming out!

I love the LIberated Parents/Liberated Child book - one thing I learned is to let my anger out sooner so I don't reach the explosion point (not to try to repress it) - well I learned that intellectually but still need to implement it....it's hard for me to talk about my anger in a non-shaming way....I need to just learn to say "I"m angry!" without any blame or shame.



thanks for posting....
peace,
robyn
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#25 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I love the LIberated Parents/Liberated Child book - one thing I learned is to let my anger out sooner so I don't reach the explosion point (not to try to repress it) - well I learned that intellectually but still need to implement it....
This book was mentioned by another poster in this thread...is this the book of choice for mama's like ourselves? Perhaps I will pick this one up. I would like to hear more about it and what it address'.

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#26 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 03:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama_2_Boy View Post
Can you share some of the tools that you learned in your reading?
the parts that i read last night were basically the authors interpretations/examples from a parenting group led by dr haim ginott (between parent and child). there's a lot of validating feelings, using descriptive language instead of praise and letting go of parental control to allow for children's autonomy.

i tend to be a bit of a control freak and get really frustrated with ds when i'm wanting him to do something in a certain way/at a certain pace. once i start giving orders - things only go downhill and usually end up with me yelling and him crying. mornings can be really ugly (me: Come on, come ON! hurry up. get dressed! what are you doing? let's go. stop WHINING! what are you DOING? you forgot how to put your socks on?! grrr). not a good way for either of us to start the day.

so this morning i put his clothes on the couch but didn't tell him to get dressed. i left his lunch in the refrigerator and his bookbag on the hook. he knows that we usually leave at 8 and at 7:45 kind of looked at me like "well? aren't you going to tell me to get dressed?" i didn't say anything. "i'll get dressed now" he said and started taking off his pajamas. well, without my pushing, it took him a good ten minutes to get dressed because he kept stopping to ask me questions or kiss the baby or whatever. normally, this would drive me crazy ("Just do one thing at a time! Now is not the time for ____!) but i just sat on the couch and waited. i told myself, "if he's late, he's late. the school/teacher will deal with consequences of that. i am not in a hurry and don't need create conflict for no reason "

he also does this thing where he asks for permission to use the bathroom and won't go until i say "Go" which usually comes out as "JUST GO!!! - it drives me crazy! so today, he raised his finger (like they do at school) and i said "i know that at school you have to ask permission to go to the bathroom but home is different from school so just listen to your body and you decide when you have to go" and i walked away. then instead of getting frustrated about him refusing to wipe himself i said "i know it's a challenge to wipe yourself. you'll do it when you're ready". and i didn't even try to do anything to his bed-head hair - which he hates and always resists.

on the way to school, i resisted the urge to say "great job this morning" and just said "it feels really good to have a morning with no yelling and sadness". he didn't say anything but kind of skipped a little and started talking about who he was going to play with at school.

mostly i just tried to let go of trying to control the morning routine and let him do things on his own. revolutionary, huh? i have to say i felt a like a robot saying a lot of those things - it's really just not my style. i've always worried that gentle discipline = a kid that walk all over you but i'm trying to move away from that. either way, what i've been doing isn't working so it's time to really try a new approach. i'm hoping it becomes more natural with practice.
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#27 of 105 Old 10-09-2007, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...mostly i just tried to let go of trying to control the morning routine and let him do things on his own. revolutionary, huh? i have to say i felt a like a robot saying a lot of those things - it's really just not my style. i've always worried that gentle discipline = a kid that walk all over you but i'm trying to move away from that. either way, what i've been doing isn't working so it's time to really try a new approach. i'm hoping it becomes more natural with practice....
Sounds like you are feeling some "room to breath" from this approach, good for you! I know what you mean about the 'control' issue, for me that's all it's about and that is what causes me to lose it, is when I think I no longer have control, which is a means to a very sad end.

Mama to one very active DS (5.5) Loving wife to my wonderful DH and our baby girl arrived on December 10, 2009
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#28 of 105 Old 10-10-2007, 12:17 AM
 
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Count me in too. I've been trying to do gd since ds1 started needing discipline/boundaries. I read here for awhile and/or read books on gd...I think I've read most of them at this point. And I'll be, mostly, the parent I want to be, for a few hours, a few days. Most of a week or 2. But then I don't see anything changing or I get stressed or depressed, and I'm back to being...my mother. I don't think I'm as bad as her, though. I hope.

Honestly, I never realized how badly I was treated by my parents, it was so 'normal' until I was an adult. I thought somehow I deserved the lack of respect, consideration and empathy. My first inclination that I was way too used to being walked all over was when I was 17, living with a friend, and an aquaintance pointed out to me how badly my friend treated me. I had never noticed, because she was nowhere near as bad as my parents. Even now, my h gets mad about how my mom treats me and the kids and I just...don't notice because I'm so used to it.

I don't want my kids to grow up like that. I want them to notice when people are treating them like crap and be able to stand up for themselves. It's *so* hard to not yell, though. And h has a horrible problem of taking everything the kids, especially ds1, does personally, even when he was a tiny newborn. He's a yeller and a namecaller (his mother is/was...well, a UA violation is the nicest thing I can say, his father wasn't around much and both of them stole from him).

Both my boys are extremely energetic and ds1 is high needs. And I'm an introvert who has frequesnt bouts of depression where I want nothing to do with anyone. Yet another thing to feel guilty about.

mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

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#29 of 105 Old 10-10-2007, 02:22 AM
 
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This book was mentioned by another poster in this thread...is this the book of choice for mama's like ourselves? Perhaps I will pick this one up. I would like to hear more about it and what it address'.
It's basically a long extended example of how to apply some of Ginott's work....they have a specific chapter on anger that I found helpful...but I do have some trouble applying what they suggest since my DD is basically non-verbal.

It's an old book but it really has lots of practical examples that I find helpful - it's hard for me to put theory into practice and I need to see practical examples....

violetisadora - what a GREAT story! thanks for sharing....
peace,
robyn
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#30 of 105 Old 10-10-2007, 11:40 AM
 
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Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Peace Is Every Step" helped me to have perspective about the influence of my upbringing without a sense of hopelessness to changing the patterns that I grew up with. It really helped me to put my (similar) past into perspective and helped me to feel empowered to live in the moment rather than dwelling in the past. http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-St.../dp/0553351397 It changed my life.

The book helped bring peace to my soul and give me tools to.... PAUSE.....BREATHE......consider my reaction in the heat of the moment, BEFORE reacting automatically and viscerally. He has many books; but "Peace is Every Step" really empowered me to see my explosive reactions as a *learned* coping mechanism that could be *unlearned*. And it offered methods of identifying my underlying feelings and needs to help me take care of my anger (smoldering since childhood).

He has a new book called "ANGER". I only just started it. And it too is powerful and comforting to increasing my awareness, understanding and caretaking (compassion toward mySelf) of my emotional angst at myself for not being as calm (internally) as I wish I were and strive to be. http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Thich-Nh...336562-8587237 He talks about embracing your anger as messages about your values and priorities, and "taking care of your needs like a crying baby". That anger is a message of unmet needs. And recognizing and honoring those values as important in my life. Taking care of those needs, like we care for the needs of the young, is important. I highly recommend both.

Also, this thread about challenging children has helped many of us: "My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=328627


Connection Parenting by Pam Leo is fascinating about identifying underlying needs and seeking mutually agreeable solutions. It has a lot of tools for conflict resolution. Naomi Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves discusses validation of our needs and our children's needs. Oh, the Center for Non-violent Communication has an article about the steps to turning anger into compassion. Here it is: http://www.naturalchild.org/marshall...ten_steps.html The Secret Life of Bees is a fictional story about learning to mother yourself and giving yourself the unconditional acceptance that you yearn for.

I found it helps to supplement with Magnesium, which is often associated with aggressive moodiness and high stress when depleted, especially around PMS. Most Americans have insufficient magnesium in their diet, especially pregnant and nursing mamas. Same with essential fatty acids. I just read a study about aggression associated with lack of essential fatty acids. Apparently stress depletes both Magnesium and EFAs, and causes less ability to create serotonin, or something like that.

I hope these help you all find a path to peace. Personal counseling helped me too.


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