baby talk.....xpost I NEED INPUT MAMAS...PLEASE HELP. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-23-2007, 09:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: behind my computer or between my angels in the PNW.
Posts: 1,275
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
xpost from nov 07 ddc/single parenting...
------------------------------------------------
***thought those mamas on this forum here would feel for me as we all try our best to have gentle discipline...please help me figure out how to get my mom and her boyf to stop their ways.............................after all, *I* am the parent here, not them.
-----------------------



nope, not from a baby's mouth...from a grown man's. i am disturbed so much by my moms boyf of about 3 yrs' 'baby talk'. he does it w/ megh and he does it w/ his 2 boys when they are visiting or on the phone w/ him (they are 9 and 14). it annoys me cuz i like megh to be talked to normally...sweetly, but not 'baby talked'. my mom says that is just 'how he is'. case closed on that issue, basically...i said well it disturbs me...she was like how so? of course i didn't go THERE but i basically just said i don't know him that well...it makes me nervous. i let her figure out the rest for herself. i'm not accusing him of being a molestor or anything but being the hawk that i am watching adults and older children as well with my dd, i can't help but worry about this 'baby talk' stuff. it triggers me for some reason...i get afraid he's grooming my dd. maybe this is all just worry and i don't need to be concerned... but i can't help it. all i know is megh won't be left alone w/ him. he's probably just being 'sweet'.

i think my mom thinks cuz the are both helping us financially w/ rent that they somehow also are parenting megh and sheamas as well. i occasionally get testy w/ my mom about how they seem to hoard megh when they are w/ us...its like my mom takes over as 'mother'. and even her boyf starts telling megh what not to do and do and it bugs me. like my moms body language. i can't explain it. i just don't like it. i remind my mom that *I* am the mother, not some child. last night at the restaurant megh was lapping her whipped cream on her pie like a little puppy and she was told not to do that by my mom and her boyf. i finally piped up and said 'that is FINE. i don't mind that she does that'. i mean REALLY......what is the big deal? she was having fun and enjoying her whipped cream. it isn't like she will forgot how and never use utensils again. as for being full of etiquette in front of other people, i really don't care about that... i just like to look at things like 'does this REALLY matter THAT much?'. moms boyf can be controlling...we'll be leaving and he'll tell megh to hold on to the handrail going down the stairs of the condo outside...that doesn't matter much as their stairs inside going to the loft area. and then he wouldn't give megh her pistacio's back til she put on her shoes....it bugged me. also at the restaurant my mom would tell megh its ok to have this or that and i was trying to get megh to eat some more turkey/veggies...and i am RIGHT THERE...like hello, i am not a nonexistant or invisible mama! or my mom would be the one to bring megh to the buffet or bathroom...i felt so annoyed cuz i wanted to have some time/say with my own dd on thanksgiving for petes sake........i missed her as megh had spent most of the day focused on my moms boyf, just watching movies at their house or talking or playing...i missed my baby girl. i was jealous and annoyed...or like yesterday megh had a chocolate gingerbread looking boy she was eating and then moms boyf tells her only one more bite or she could get wired and starts edumacating her on the effects of sugar and caffeine...i wanted to say JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR FAMILY AND WE JUST MOVED BACK HERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU ARE MEGHAN'S FATHER. I AM HER MOTHER AND I WILL HANDLE THIS. i piped up and said you know, i had a TON of espresso and sugar while megh was in my womb and she was calmer than sheamas is. she doesn't get hyper from it. i wanted to say DON'T YOU TELL HER HOW MUCH CHOCOLATE SHE CAN HAVE OR WHATEVER... its like he just likes to just tell kids what to do and what not to do. you should see him w/ his boys...he's just ON them so much, especially the 9 yo who is more hyper and tests his dad like crazy...how the hell am i going to handle this. this kind of thing bugs me pg or not...my mom and him keep saying how we are 'raising' these (my) kids together....yes...and no. like if you are going to 'raise' them, i feel you should be on MY program...the way i parent, people. my mom certainly wasn't the best of mothers....she blames ME for things SHE was accountable for. she knocks teenage years like all teens are unruly. she brought up how *I* was at 14 the other day in front of her boyf almost like she was trying to one up me and make herself look good, and i said DON'T EVEN GO THERE PLEASE... and she goes on to say i lost my virginity (in front of her boyfriend) at 14...i said yeah, and who had put me on BIRTH CONTROL!!!??? therefore just encouraging me to screw all my boyfriends...i mean REALLY! if i'd had a great family life and didn't feel so sad and alone inside and out i don't think i'd have started so young and been so sexual. it bugs me that she puts it on ME. so you can kind of see why i'm triggered by her taking over w/ MY dd, even when i'm right there. and she is also really into getting my last will and testament notarized. she added her boyf on there in case she is dead or inable to care for my children. i said i didn't SAY you could add him! she is so controlling in a weird way and i am really frustrated. i wouldn't want megh to go w/ them. i'd rather her and sheamas go w/ friends in MN. my mom is afraid tom (my ex) will get custody of megh should i die because i'd had him as first guardian on my current will...i just don't like all this 'we are raising them too' crap and focus on if i die before i give birth.........grrr. anyway this has turned into a big vent. i tossed and turned last night thinking about all this and it is really on my heart and bugging me. any advice??? how do i stand strong in how megh is grandparented by these people MY WAY. they both act like they are experts. i don't like this at all. cuz i see how megh resists their way and it goes into a power struggle and how she acts. it breaks my heart. help. my moms boyf also said if he found out megh ever smokes cigs he would 'paddle her butt'. sorry but that kind of talk isn't even ok to me. i've spanked megh in the past too many moments that i regret and hate myself for it. megh knows its wrong and i was wrong for it and has forgiven me... i could go on and on here................ my mom will threaten not to give megh something or take her someplace that *i* bought megh or was going to bring megh (maybe w/ my mom too) and i just feel my mother is out of line there as well. i am meghan's mom and will deal w/ her...my mom says she doesn't agree w/ that...i said sorry but that really doesn't matter as i am her mother, not you.

another thing is i have informed my mother of meghs' push-pulling since moving away from my now ex-fiance...megh is hurting...she has had to leave behind her dog and 2 cats plus a man she loved like a 'daddy'. its only been since oct 8th. my mom takes it wayyyyy to personally when megh is being rude or fighting my mom on something. she then threatens to withdraw her company w/ megh that day or says to me "Lisbeth, this HAS TO STOP". she is not being patient enough and expecting way too much of my newly turned 5yo dd in re. to her confused hurting heart. i'm sure she is testing my mom...my mom reacts just like my ex did w/ her. gets all bent out of shape by meghs' behavior. when all megh wants is to be loved and accepted.

postnote: another thing my moms boyf will do is make megh say please before giving her something or say excuse me if she burps. or tell her to go get a tissue and blow her nose that he will teach her (like i don't try!?) or he will pause the movie til she does (she does this sniffle/snort thing trying to clear her nose...big deal...). i think this is cruel. oh but then last night he farted and then told her to come and smell what the dog did......or he will show megh how he makes himself burp. but if i burp he says 'i heard that!' he is totally contradicting himself w/ megh and as for his controlling step-grandparenting... i just think he's out of line. just like when my ex fiance kept calling to see what was 'going on' after i moved out and away from him in MN back to OR and moms boyf said do not call anymore (supposedly...) and then when my ex did a few times more he talked w/ him some more...weak boundaries. i told my mom he needs to NOT take his calls. no excuses. i think moms boyf is playing super hero 'male' in my childrens lives and it is bugging me. how do i handle this? i reallllly don't want to confront him....but he really is out of line i feel, at least in the way I parent and want my children treated by the adults in our lives.

my mom totally contradicts herself as well re. how she deals w/ my dd...she has apparently bought and read 'unconditional parenting' and acted like she agreed w/ it, but then goes against it totally w/ her ss1 and ss2 as well as with my dd. THEIR way is not MY way w/ MY kids and i've about had it and feel like i'm gonna snap if her boyf OR her goes against how i want things handled w/ my kids.

i have also decided to let my mom and boyf 'think' they are numero unos when it comes to my death if i shall die before my kids are old enough to care for themselves. i will go ahead w/ my moms written out will for me and yet i will make another newer one and give a copy to my friends in MN who i would prefer over my mother. i'd name my mother second to them...maybe.

joy.gifproud solo vegan mama to fambedsingle2.gif dd, 9 spitdrink.gif & ds,4  moon.gif. "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" -chinese proverb  candle.gif

chrysalis is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-26-2007, 12:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: behind my computer or between my angels in the PNW.
Posts: 1,275
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my mom wrote this email to me today...obvsioulsy she is frustrated w/ my making it known to her how annoyed i am w/ her sometimes re. my dd.....and obviously she is feeling my boundaries coming on.................i've pulled back.
please, i need input from you GD'ers......................thanks.
lis



Lis:
It's hard for us to discuss this while Megh is with
us, so I thought we should talk via email.
For all intents and purposes, we are all living
together, and therefore there will be times when Greg
and I will need to do some minor dicipline. We want to
leave most of it up to you, of course. But, being
together day in and day out, it will be impossible for
the occasion not to arise. Basically, we are living
under the same roof, being this close to each other,
and so involved in each others lives.
SO: I have read the Unconditional Dicipline book
cover to cover. It sounds wonderful, and I am working
hard to apply his suggestions. There is a learning
curve, so there will be some "slips"......but
certainly not major ones. (Even YOU slip
occasionally.) I wish he or someone like him provided
online counselling when questions arise that are not
covered in his book. BOTTOM LINE: I adore Megh, and
want nothing but her happiness and safety. I also want
to be treated kindly by her, more often than not. I
understand that takes guidance, love, and time. So, we
need to have an on-going conversation about dicipline
attempts that have worked and those that have not
worked (with Megh's and our best interests in mind).
AND: Greg has come to love Megh very much. He truly
enjoys being with her. I have spoken to him about the
orange book, and he is gradually coming to understand
the concepts. He wants to learn, and will make every
effort to apply his understanding. And, yes....there
will be "slips", but never slips of anger or
hostility. Mostly, like me, Greg worries about Megh's
happiness, health, and safety. I have, and will
continue, to talk to Greg about the spanking threats.
He says he only said that because he wanted to impress
upon Megh the severe danger of smoking. I will contine
to remind him that there are other ways to do so, and
that spanking threats are absolutely NOT OK. He said
he would never do such a thing, but that it was the
shock value of getting her attention.
(Same with the threat to the boys in the back of the
pickup truck). I believe all parents and caregivers
occasionally resort to such a sloppy technique out of
fear for the child's well-being. (Even YOU, threaten
the gypsies or police on occasion.)
WHAT I WOULD LIKE: is that we have an on-going, loving
discussion (email) about what worked and what did not.
Rather than pouncing on Greg and I for our "mistakes"
or overstepping our grand-parenting rights, could we
have this loving discussion instead? It really hurts
to be blasted (ESPECIALY in front of Meghan), when all
we are trying to do is give Megh our most loving care.
If you compare Greg and I to the MAJORITY of
grandparents, I think you would agree that we come
from the most loving, caring place when it comes to
Megh (and Sheamas, when the little guy is here). Greg
and I are WILLINGLY sacrificing our money, time, and
energy to provide the best we can for you, Meghan, and
Sheamas. Please show us with your kindness and
humility that you appreciate our efforts, even if we
"slip" occasionaly.
I love you very much,
Mama


my reply so far...............

hi mama,
i don't have the energy to tackle much of a response to this at the present time...but i can say that naomi aldort is an awesome woman to call upon and talk w/ for counseling over the phone. if you ever want to talk w/ her, her website is www.naomialdort.com just tell her who you are, that you are lis's mother/meghan's grandmother and she will know who i am. she is awesome.

i let meghs' 'rude' moments of expression slide past...most of the time. as i have told you, you can't take it personally. i can't 'make' her be polite and nor do i care to stuff her emotions if that is how she is feeling at the moment. i don't wish to punish her. maybe we could have a 3 way phone counseling w/ naomi soon? i think megh is testing you because she sees how upset you get. and she probably wonders if you will stick around or give up on her as tom had so many times...i know you feel you 'know' my meghy well enough but really, she hasn't been around you long enough for her to have that security. i am her mom and i call the shots on how she is to be treated and disciplined. i need you guys to cooperate and do things MY way.

as for living under the same roof, i don't feel the same way (we live in different condos here...) nor do i feel we are all 'raising' my children. i am their parent and i do not care for you and greg telling megh what to do and so forth in certain ways/circumstances that you both have done consistently. ie. megh does not need to put her shoes on before she has her pistacio's back or hold onto the handrail going down the outside stairs. she does not need to say excuse me after burping or give a hug to someone asking for one. i never want her to feel she has to do that. i'm not sure yet how exactly to handle certain things w/out having her feel punished or something witheld...after all, how would WE feel if someone did that to us? she does not need the movie paused until she gets a tissue to blow her nose cuz she is refusing to go blow in a tissue. she resents being told what to do...she will buck it to high noon. so we need to find other ways to convince her to do the best for herself, make it show that it is about HER, not us telling her what to do, and also choose our 'battles'. a lot of these things can be ignored or just showered w/ love. megh may do the push pull thing...she is still hurting. she lost a man in her life she considered her 'daddy' for 2 years almost. she is grieving. i'm sure she is feeling very insecure, confused, hurt, angry and frustrated. please be patient w/ her. PLEASE try not to take her attitudes personally. she is just a little girl....this is how little children express themselves when they don't know how else to express them. i know it hurts... but we are the grown ups here.

as for greg...i think he is a very nice man...but i personally do not know him well enough yet to have blind trust in him being so friendly w/ my daughter. i am thrilled that he cares so much about megh...yet it makes me nervous too. the baby talking and the telling megh what to do and not to do according to his ways isn't flying w/ me. i do not want to make greg feel embarassed or bad or wrong but i do not care for my daughter nor son to be talked to with baby talk. i know many moms and dads who ask people to talk to their kids regularly, and not w/ baby talking. there are other ways to reflect in your voice that you care. you say 'well that is just him'. but as her mother, it needs to stop. i don't know how else to say it. i don't want my daughter talking like that anymore than she already sometimes does.

i will come back to this email when i have more energy to really focus on it...i'm pooped and megh is needing my company. i have been wanting to read my unconditional parenting again as well, and i have another one by pam leo you may want to get as well called 'connection parenting'. none of us are perfect. i'm certainly not. we need to all take care of ourselves as well so we can be as present and happy and centered when w/ my children as we can so we don't project our crap onto them when they do stuff that we consider unpleasant. i am so grateful for you guys being so close by and being in our lives...we are so blessed. you have made megh so happy, and even though she doesn't show it in certain moments, she does care deeply. please give her time...more soon.

love,
lisbeth

joy.gifproud solo vegan mama to fambedsingle2.gif dd, 9 spitdrink.gif & ds,4  moon.gif. "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" -chinese proverb  candle.gif

chrysalis is offline  
Old 11-26-2007, 01:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
chrysalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: behind my computer or between my angels in the PNW.
Posts: 1,275
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i see loads of you all reading this but no one is replying............please?! someone? i really need some input. thanks.

joy.gifproud solo vegan mama to fambedsingle2.gif dd, 9 spitdrink.gif & ds,4  moon.gif. "it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" -chinese proverb  candle.gif

chrysalis is offline  
Old 11-26-2007, 06:18 PM
 
Cujobunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2,409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
holy cow, well I speak for myself here.... but those are really long posts and hard to get thru. that's probably why noone is responding.

admittedly i didnt read the whole thing.

what exactly is he saying? what do you mean by "baby talk"?

Amanda - wife to DH Kellyjog.gif, Mummers to Trentreading.gif born 03/03/05 Bridgetdust.gif born 08/08/07 and a IT'S A BOY! Kennedy babyboy.gifborn 02/20/11!
Cujobunny is offline  
Old 11-26-2007, 06:32 PM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 4,897
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I gotta say, I think lots of moms would weep tears of joy to hav etheir parents read a book like that and want to open a dialogue about treating your daughter the way ou want her to be treated. SO I think you're incredibly lucky in that respect.

re: the baby talk, I think you laid it out to her pretty well in the email. I don't know what you can do beyond maybe gently reminding him when he does it that you'd appreciate him using his regular voice (think - GD him as much as you GD your child!! GD should apply to everyone, not just your kid!)

I'd probably go a little lighter on the "my way or the highway" tone of your reply a bit, since it seems from your mom's email that she's very willing to work with you...and remember, not everyone has to treat your child exactly the same way you do - she needs to have her own relationship with everyone in her circle...and so long as they are treating her respectfully and not constantly shaming/berating/"punishing" her for every little thing (and I think you outline that pretty well too), there is not a real problem with minor differences. My husband is more strict and demanding of our kids than I am, but I know he has to build his own relationship with them...as do my parents and his parents...and the minor differences in our techniques within the realm of the GD "umbrella" are not going to scar the kids; in fact, it will teach them that some things are OK to do around some people, and not around others. So long as they are setting up their boundaries respectfully and with communication with you about them (and your mom seems willing to do that based on her email to you), I think they should be allowed to set them even if they're not *exactly* the way you would do them.

That's all I have time for right now; I didn't want to read and not respond.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
Old 11-26-2007, 06:49 PM
 
GalateaDunkel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 687
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You might get more replies if you use capitalization and punctuation. I read most of your post but it was very difficult. Usually I skip posts that are written in that style.

My instinct is, you need to get out of there. I don't know how, but the situation is not going to get substantially better. It might improve in limited ways here or there, but obviously they think that they have claim on your kids by the fact of your financial dependency on them. Also the fact that you chose to move next door to them. From their point of view, it is all one big household and they are the heads of it.

If your support network is in MN why aren't you there? I hate to say it, and I don't know your situation, but is there any way of patching things up with your ex? Not saying that a woman should stay with a man out of financial desperation...but as long as he is not abusive or anything like that....a less-than-perfect adult partnership is potentially better than the relationship of childlike dependency and control you're currently in.

At the very least, address your problems with the boyfriend directly, between him and you. Having your mom be the go-between only increases the miscommunication and reinforces that she is the woman of the household and you are her kid that has to go through that. If you want to be your own woman, just do it. Even if you do continue taking help from them. It may make you feel guilty and weird but you're going to feel weird one way or another so might as well stand up for your kids.
GalateaDunkel is offline  
Old 11-26-2007, 11:18 PM
 
thebee321's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
You might get more replies if you use capitalization and punctuation. I read most of your post but it was very difficult. Usually I skip posts that are written in that style.

My instinct is, you need to get out of there. I don't know how, but the situation is not going to get substantially better. It might improve in limited ways here or there, but obviously they think that they have claim on your kids by the fact of your financial dependency on them. Also the fact that you chose to move next door to them. From their point of view, it is all one big household and they are the heads of it.


I agree. On both points. Your posts were REALLY hard to read! And I think the main problem can't be fixed: they are not just helping out of kindness and expecting nothing in return...they expect to be repaid by claiming parenting rights to your children. The way your mom said "Greg
and I are WILLINGLY sacrificing our money, time, and
energy to provide the best we can for you, Meghan, and
Sheamas. " just made me cringe. I'm not sure why exactly. I'm sorry you are stuck in that situation. Unfortunately, when we have to depend on others, we have to give up control of some things.
thebee321 is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 01:16 AM
 
D_McG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebee321 View Post
Your posts were REALLY hard to read!
I'm sorry but I really can't get passed the first couple of lines. Maybe try editing it and hopefully someone can help you.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

D_McG is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 01:45 AM
 
PikkuMyy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: hmmm
Posts: 7,271
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm also having a lot of trouble reading your post. If you at least add in a bunch more paragraph breaks, it would help. And just putting one period followed by two spaces instead of an ellipse with no spaces (like...this)

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
PikkuMyy is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 02:56 AM
 
EyesOfTheWorld's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: in the kitchen
Posts: 923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm also having a bit of trouble reading your post but if I'm reading it right...

I don't like baby talk either, but if this is the habit he has been in for his adult life, it will be very hard getting him to change it for you. I don't personally find it creepy (especially not in the vibe you seem to get, so maybe there's more than just the talk?) but it is annoying. I just don't see how to make a person change a habit they don't want to change, and this one, by itself, wouldn't be a big enough problem for me to personally do much besides inwardly be annoyed. I hope some of this helps!

Mama to our nose-in-a-book Autumn (6) & our old soul Molly (4)
Imaginative, fun jewelry & photography Shenandoah Sunshine
EyesOfTheWorld is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 02:54 PM
 
mamahart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in the woods on the ocean
Posts: 508
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi. I actually don't mind the writing style of your post, but the whole situation you are in makes me sad. I have fantastic parents who live far far away but still have boundry (sp?) issues. This is a funny idea but there are even more "permissive" ideas out there that might give your mom insight. I have balked a bit at the consenual living ideas...but there are some beautiful ideas in this philosophy that sound like tactics you are trying to use to raise your wee ones. It also sets the bar REALLY high so your mom can see what your ideal is. I also think the my way or the highway is ok when it is your children you are talking about. I don't know what else to say other than you should really be thinking about whether you want/need to live with this much input on your parenting...
mamahart is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 03:03 PM
 
attachedmamaof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe it's me, but I really don't see what the issue is? :

You're living with your mom and her husband (??) as such, it is true that everyone in that house is raising your kids. It's impossible to request that no one parents except for you, since there are 3 adults in the house. I understand and agree with your request that they parent in the same spirit that you do...but baby talk? That's mild, IMO and could just be the way he relates to small children. Annoying? YES! Dangerous or worthy of reprimand? No.

At this point, it really doesn't matter what you think of Greg. He's in your mom's life and you're living in her house. I don't want to sound harsh AT ALL, but it looks like it's something you're going to have to deal with. If you're unable to do so, perhaps you should investigate other housing opportunities.

I think family counseling is probably a really good idea.
attachedmamaof3 is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 03:53 PM
 
L'lee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: too far from the Emerald City
Posts: 700
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it's a bit confusing that you started by talking about baby talk, but it really seems that your problem is your current living situation. It sounds to me that your mom feels very protective of you and your kids and she doesn't completely trust you to raise them. Part of this may be because you are not financially independent, which is obviously a tough thing for you to deal with. She is also learning about UP but she may believe that you are being permissive or worse instead of being deliberate in how you treat DD. If I were in your position, I would try to become financially independent ASAP and get OUT of that situation. Easier said than done when you're single parenting 2 kids. (I also find it confusing RE your ex - is he the father? Is he helping to support you? Why is your mom's bf in contact with him? None of my business, but it didn't make sense) As OP discusses, is this situatioun better than the one you were in with your ex?

I would not lie about the will. That is something you should be very straightforward about. Even if it is very difficult to say, you should do it because if something DID happen it would make life harder for your children if there are confusion and hurt feelings. OTOH, YOU need to be in control of your will. Your mother has no right to go changing your will. I think you need to be more firm with her on this (and other issues).

I sympathize with your situation, I really hope you're able to come up with a solution that you're comfortable with.

L'lee reading.gif ~ C geek.gif ~ E broc1.gif May, 2006 ~ Rjoy.gif12/29/2011nocirc.gif goorganic.jpg ecbaby2.gif homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

L'lee is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 04:09 PM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also have a hard time reading your posts. The words all run together without capitalization, punctuation, or paragraph breaks, and that makes my eyes skip over parts and I have trouble keeping my place.

If I'm reading this correctly, I have to say, it sounds like you want your mother to just take it when your daughter is rude to her, without saying anything back, and do nothing when she sees your daughter doing something potentially dangerous in her house, where your mother is legally responsible for her safety, as she would be for any houseguest. I think you're putting her in a really tough position.

I want my children to feel safe expressing themselves and to be true to themselves. They have that right, as does everyone. With rights come responsibilities, however, and I think everyone has a responsibility to learn a basic level of manners and courtesy toward others. I ask my parents to respect my children's determination of what they will eat and wear while at their house, but if my eldest is rude to my parents, they absolutely have the right to express how that makes them feel and to a minor extent, to enact consequences for that behavior. They certainly may not spank her or shame her, but I think it is entirely reasonable for them to say they don't feel like continuing to play with someone who is being unkind to them and giving her some space for a while.

And if they see my children doing something potentially dangerous, of course they can speak up. We might not always see the same things as being dangerous, but they're speaking out of love and concern, and it doesn't harm my children to hear someone caring about their welfare. (This is assuming my parents are fairly reasonable about it, which they are.) And I recognize that if my children got hurt on my parents' property, my parents would be legally responsible, so it's their right to determine if the kids need to hold the railing while going down the stairs or climb down out of the tree.

Your mother's e-mail sounded very reasonable and loving to me. She seems to want what's best for you and your children and she wants to work with you. You seem to be demanding an awful lot of her, though. Have you tempered your requests with any words of appreciation for what she does do for you and your family? Non-violent communication and respect go two ways.
earthmama369 is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 04:32 PM
 
bczmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 434
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"let meghs' 'rude' moments of expression slide past...most of the time. as i have told you, you can't take it personally. i can't 'make' her be polite and nor do i care to stuff her emotions if that is how she is feeling at the moment."

I remember reading some of your posts while you were with your ex. Quite frankly, the way you described your daughter speaking to him and behaving toward him, without any limit being imposed by you, shocked me.

If you expect your parents (or any other adult) to tolerate, much less live with, the kind of behavior you've described from your daughter, you have a very difficult row to hoe. Her behavior affects their environment too -- and your attitude seems to be that they should suck up whatever she dishes out. That seems unfair.

I will also add that I feel you are doing your daughter a disservice by not requiring any level of polite behavior from her. She needs relationships with peers and adults outside of family and if she is unable to interact with others with some sort of baseline level of politeness those relationships will be extremely difficult for her to create.
bczmama is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 06:42 PM
 
RiverSky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Paradise
Posts: 6,622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bczmama View Post
I will also add that I feel you are doing your daughter a disservice by not requiring any level of polite behavior from her. She needs relationships with peers and adults outside of family and if she is unable to interact with others with some sort of baseline level of politeness those relationships will be extremely difficult for her to create.
Yes, I totally agree.

I also think lying about the will is a complete mistake. Now is the time to step up and say, "Mother, you are not the boss of me and your boyfriend is not who I would want my children with if anything should happen to me. I will choose for myself what my will says." And that's it. If you let her bully you here, then she will continue to always bully you. At some point, you need to step up and be an adult in this way, telling your mother that she needs to step back and honestly, this is probably a great way to start the dialogue.

From what I read, the OP and her children are not living with the grandmother and her boyfriend, but living in another separate condo in the same complex (perhaps down the hall?!?) and I believe the grandmother/boyfriend are paying the rent for the OP.

I believe the grandmother and her boyfriend have no right to "parent" the children and they are not co-parenting just because they live in the same complex, unless the OP is asking them to watch her children all the time. I mean, my neighbors don't coparent my children, but if I have someone babysit them for a few hours, well, some amount of guidance and discipline might be required during that time and if I don't like the way that person disciplines, then I don't ask that person to babysit ever again.

I also can't imagine why someone wouldn't want their child to hold the handrail going downstairs...and since the stairs are outside, they must be concrete or metal. A 5 year old SHOULD hold the railing....everyone should hold the railing. What happens is the 5 year old makes a mistake, slips and falls? Parents should make it a rule that 5 year olds should either hold the handrail or have their hands held by an adult as they go down or up stairs. I totally don't get what's wrong with reminding a child to grab the rail for safety.

I really think babytalk is not an issue at all. If the OP thinks the boyfriend is a bad man for some other reason, instinct or whatever, that is important to listen to, but then why are you talking him up in that letter to your mother? You need to tell her that you don't feel 100% comfortable with him yet, and need to know him longer first.
RiverSky is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 07:36 PM
 
wendizbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I read some of your post and for me I feel that it does not belong in the GD forum. I think there are much bigger issues here that you cannot get help with in a forum environment. This is better suited for a counseling session with a professional. Having the entire family in counseling together might do wonders for what you have going on.
I hope it gets better for you,

Wendi

Mom to my little super hero superhero.gif (02/06) and our super hero-in-training femalesling.GIF (11/11).

wendizbaby is offline  
Old 11-27-2007, 07:41 PM
 
Ruthla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 43,652
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cujobunny View Post
holy cow, well I speak for myself here.... but those are really long posts and hard to get thru. that's probably why noone is responding.

admittedly i didnt read the whole thing.

what exactly is he saying? what do you mean by "baby talk"?
I'm having trouble understanding the problem as well. I do want to help, but I really can't get a grasp of the situation AT ALL- so I can't give any constructive advice.

Maybe you could repost the questions in smaller portions: in one post explain what happened at the restaurant, with paragraph breaks, and ask for specific advice about that situation. Explain the "baby talk" comment in another separate post.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
Ruthla is online now  
Old 11-28-2007, 08:13 PM
 
EnviroBecca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 5,234
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)
Quote:
last night at the restaurant megh was lapping her whipped cream on her pie like a little puppy and she was told not to do that by my mom and her boyf. i finally piped up and said 'that is FINE. i don't mind that she does that'. i mean REALLY......what is the big deal?
The deal is that Megh's behavior was offending the people who were sitting at the table with her, and perhaps they were concerned that others in the restaurant also would be offended. Maybe it's not a BIG deal--did they say it was?--but it was worth mentioning. People have a right to speak up when their companions' table manners bother them and interfere with their enjoyment of the meal. You seem to think it's all about whether YOU mind if she does that. They were not asking her to stop because they thought she was bothering you; they were asking because she was bothering them.

Quote:
she does not need to say excuse me after burping
Why not?

Reading about Megh's behaviors and your belief that they shouldn't be criticized, I thought she must be very young, 2 or maybe 3...but if I read your sig correctly, she's 5. That's old enough for some higher expectations and more consideration of other people's feelings.

Overall, it sounds to me like you're feeling hypersensitive about your parenting and need to feel in control of your life. That's totally understandable! Here you are 9 months pregnant, newly single, newly moved cross-country, and more dependent on your mother than you'd like to be. It's a tough time for you and for Megh. Being a single parent puts a lot of weight on your shoulders and is making you feel very alone and defensive. But to me--reading this from an outside perspective--it looks like your mom is trying hard to understand your point of view and work with you. Try to open up to seeing her and Greg as helpful and well-intentioned. Try to save your criticism for the big issues--the way you'd like them to do with Megh!--and relax about the small stuff. Try to have a loving discussion instead of "pouncing" the moment they do something you wouldn't. You'd rather you didn't need their help. But you do. So focus your energies on appreciating the good things they have to offer and finding positive approaches to the things that are less than ideal.

I do think the pressure about your will is inappropriate and you should set it up as you see fit.

About the baby talk: Model the way you'd like people to speak to Megh. In private, ask Megh how SHE feels about it. If she says it's cute and makes her feel loved, or it's silly and she feels like he's not taking her seriously, or it's creepy and weird, or it's dumb and makes it hard to take HIM seriously, or she barely notices it...each of those possibilities tells you something different. Sure, the baby talk is annoying YOU, and you have a right to voice your opinion about it. But don't jump to conclusions about its effect on your kids without asking.

If the baby talk means he's a potential molester, getting him to stop talking that way is not going to change his desires. You have ample reason to keep Megh from being alone with him because you just don't know him that well. Stick to that for another couple months and see what your intuition tells you in the meantime.

Good luck!

Mama to a boy EnviroKid treehugger.gif 9 years old and a new little girl EnviroBaby baby.gif!

I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more. computergeek2.gif

EnviroBecca is online now  
Old 11-28-2007, 08:52 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
I'm confused too. I'm really unclear on how you're making the leap from baby talk to child molester. I'm all for listening to your inner voice, and certainly don't think you should leave your children alone with someone you're uncomfortable with for whatever reason, but I really don't get how you're making that leap. Are there other things about his behavior that creep you out, or is it just the baby talk?

As far as the living situation goes, I see so many posts where people are frustrated that others (usually grandparents) have some influence/control over their parenting, yet they're accepting financial help. I know it's hard, but the best way to get independence in all aspects of your life is to be financially independent -- until you can achieve that, people who are supporting you financially will expect to have some level of say (justified or not) over various aspects of your life. No, it's not fair, but that's the way it is.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off