3 yr old into killing? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 04:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi all, i am stressed and losing my mind on tihs one. my child my girl is great mostly, but when i disapline her for say hitting her baby brother or hitting me or talking rudly, she says she is going to kill me and then hits again, i try time outs i tried talking, i tried ignoring her. ugh. i am exhausted, this is going on now for a few weeks, NO she does not watch tv, no violence around her. i have given her a spanking maybe five times in her life when i was losing control. i am a good mom. why does MY child have to be the one at playgroup doing this? she is hard to be around and lately i don't want her around. i can't wiat for her to start school, and i want her to go to steiner, gee she will fit in great with those really mellow peaceful, children.
sorry so negative but i am really at a loss,? flower rememdies,? shrink? drugs for me? hahahaa. no really any thoughts or support would be wonderful. tara
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#2 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 04:31 AM
 
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No advice, just empathy. DS#1 said the same thing at 3. Now that he's 5, when he wants to get me crazy he says he's going to die.

And he's said he hopes I die, too. To which I've replied that I surely will, someday. Don't know if that was overmuch guilt, but hey ...

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#3 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 04:55 AM
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detach from the heavy emotions of this and be very matter of fact. this is POWER TALK. so take the power out of it by relaxing your response.

who uses POWER TALK? people who feel powerless.

please read how to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk.

super helpful for getting to the feelings. rrr
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#4 of 7 Old 08-26-2003, 05:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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the whole powerless thing really hits home for me, i can see how she feels powerless, makes perfect sense, how do i allow her to feel in control again? i will try to find book, but i am in australia. tara
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#5 of 7 Old 08-27-2003, 03:30 AM
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hi tara,

the authors are ADELE FABER AND ELAINE MAZLISH

they also wrote, SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY, which explains many of the same ideas. both books are filled with comics that make the ideas immediately accessible. good for husbands and grandparents.

you could order them from La Leche league. you could check them out at a LLL meeting.

i bet they are at the local library. they are not new.

any bookstore could order. try used bookstore.

amazon. com, also.

meanwhile, what might seem out of control to the child? is there a new baby? are you moving? has there been a change in routine? less of your time?

these books help you identify the child's feelings and talk with the child about his/her feelilngs.

having one's emotional reality recognized and affirmed builds child's self esteem. it gives her a voice, which is empowering.

the book helps you do this without letting them have their way all the time.

when do you move?

children go through phases where they are drawn to the dark side. a little bit scary, not too much my daughter always said.
i paid close attention and was very protective about everything she was exposed to. only pbs kids shows. very careful about videos. no violence or anything dark.

being scared is a powerful emotion. violent talk is powerful. what are some positive ways you can help your child to be powerful?

rrrr
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#6 of 7 Old 08-27-2003, 07:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi thanks i will look in my library for those titles. i am not moving back to usa, not allowed to with lilly. her fatehr and i went to court over it( i am from usa). anwway, we have just moved to another town and she has a farelynew baby brother, 5 months old. plus my partner who plays lots with her is working now so i know it is hard for her. i find it hard keeping both children happy. but will do some reading and get some help. i also take her to steiner playgroupand she is making new freinds which makes her feel good.
thanks for your time. much appreciated. i am still not sure how to give her power and make her feel good. i find it a little overwhelming. my partner has not worked this week and has been with her a lot and she has not mentioned killing for a couple of days now. so it proves she loves the one on one attention.
you make it sound easy. but i wil try. thanks again. tara
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#7 of 7 Old 08-28-2003, 04:17 AM
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this is a tough question, but can you live close enough to her father that she can be with him every day or every other day?

not easy.

my mother kept moving a few blocks fdrom my dad so we cd. be in walking distance. this bugged him, but it was good for us.

eventually he took a job on the opposite coast and since he was the custodial parent, we went with him. we were powereless.

this move was a big part of the custody reversal.

it is extremely different for parents to understand children's basic need for both parents, regardless of their flaws.

if you have been in court and have a lot of animosity right now, may i humbly encourage you to organize your life in such a way that supports a therapeutic partnership between you and your child's father.

when you have a child together, you can never escape the relatonship. i recommend finding the appropriate therapist or mediator to help the 2 of you to work out a shared life for your daughter.

this may be humbling, i'm sure. but it's what my sister and i always ask each other now, why didn't we have family therapy?

you've already shown care and concern for your daughter, i know your love will stretch to help you do things to help her survive and thrive that require sacrifice on your part.

i hope your partner is secure enough in himself to support your parenting involvement with your daughter's dad.

my husband's brother is bound to a city he wd. otherwise leave for the sake of his stepson's relationship to his dad. he'll be there 10 years. it's the right thing to do.

hope i haven't alienated you. rrr-
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