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Old 02-06-2008, 02:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello Moms,

My son is only 5 months old but I’m starting to feel the need to read up on some GD techniques. I am a strong believer that children should be treated with respect and taught to be respectful people. They shouldn’t be fearful of their parents or feel shame for their actions.

The only parenting book I have read is Barbara Colorosso Kids are Worth It. I loved the book and gained a greater understanding of my own parents. My parents did spank me and were always “yellers”.

DH and I have been talking about discipline since before we were married. He grew up in an abusive home (in my mind). He used to get ‘beatings’ as he puts it. His dad would beat them up all the time. At one point he was telling me a story of his sister locking her dad out of the house because she was afraid he was going to hit her for something bad he did. Well…he broke the window and had her up against the wall by the neck. My DH said that if his mom didn’t come home at that exact moment that his sister would probably be dead.

So here is my problem….DH sees nothing wrong with the way he was brought up and thinks it’s good to be physical and have your children afraid of you. When we go to family get togethers and the siblings start talking about the beatings they got, they all laugh about it like it was fun times. I have had to leave these situations a few times and go cry in the bathroom. I just find it very upsetting to hear the stories. Every time we talk about this, he always says things like “if your kids are scared, they aren’t going to misbehave”. I have shown him articles about the effects spanking has on your children and he claims it’s wrong because he turned out ok and he was hit as a child.

While we were living at my in laws 2 years ago, my nephew (3 years old) stayed with us for 2 months. I was the one who watched him during the day and never hit him. My MIL, FIL, DS and SIL all hit him probably 2 or 3 times a week. My nephew would constantly hit me, bit me, basically was very hard to deal with. My DH thinks this is very funny and always reminds me that my ‘techniques’ didn’t work. His family loved to rub this into my face and they still bring it up. He tells me that he behaves for everyone but me and everyone but me hits him so how does it make sense to not hit. I tried to explain that everyone would need to be consistent for it to work. If one person is hitting a child and the other isn’t then the child quickly learns that they aren’t going to get hurt with the person who doesn’t hit so they act out more. My nephew was showing signs of distress like going to the bathroom on the floor when he was using the potty for 4 months before that. I’m sure it was a very stressful time for him

So, now that we have DS I have got my DH to agree that we will not spank unless nothing else is working. It was hard for me to make that agreement and I would be very upset if DH hit DS but it was hard to get him to agree to that in the first place. I need help! I need some books or videos that I can watch so I can be prepared beforehand. I feel like I put myself in a bad position and my son not getting hit is all resting on me.

Sorry this got kind of long lol. If you are still with me then I would love some advice.

Thanks!
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Old 02-06-2008, 03:35 PM
 
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I'd worry about what your husband will consider to be "working." I think he's going to expect blind, instant obedience from a ridiculously young age, and when that doesn't happen he's going to start hitting. I would urge you to get him into counselling or parenting classes.
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Old 02-06-2008, 03:58 PM
 
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Would he read "Kids are Worth It"? I found that a very powerful book in terms of talking about the END PRODUCT which you don't want to be a child who obeys his/her spouse for fear of getting hit, you know?

She has a DVD out. I have been to two of her seminars and I find her to be a powerful (if sometimes repetitive) speaker, so you could try that too:

http://kidsareworthit.com/winningatp...urkidsdvd.aspx

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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