Help I feel like i am not raising my kids well - feel like failure - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 12:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok I am having real issues right now I feel like I am raising kaylee and makayla the same way my parents raised me. yelling all the time - my parents spanked. I need help with discipline. Kaylee is 3.5 yrs and i am a big big yeller becuase she doesnt listen when you talk to her. she is very inpatient like when she asks mommy can i have this if she doesnt get lets say the item she wanted fast enough she starts yelling. I mean within seconds of me telling her to hold on. She doesnt go to bed when we put her to bed she comes out numerous times with every excuse in the book. she hits makayla all the time i would assume out jealousy. makayla is 9 months like she will just walk over to kayla and poke her really hard. or knock her down when she standing up. I admit we have let her get away with alot when she was younger. like would buy her something if we were at store. Now she is like i want a prize i want a prize and totally freaks when we say no. when she doesnt go to bed at nite i end up yelling Kaylee get in your room she will run to her room and then 3 minutes later come walking out again. We have tried not talking ot her and just walking her back to her room. sitting in front of her door after we put her to bed. Setting the Timer before bed and telling her that we have. umm holding door shut. everything. she also i swear thinks she is the boss. will be like mommy when we get home u cook dinner daddy you play with me and kayla and we watch tv ok. I have to admit that I have spanked Kaylee a few times in the past at times. Which i know is totally wrong. We have tried time outs and she just goes to time out kicks and screams while there. and then comes out again and will do it all over again. Like she will hit kayla and then whenu say kaylee go to time out she will be like NO NO I am Sorry Kayla I sorry i wont do it again. but then of course does it again. or if she loses a privelege for doing something wrong she instantly after islike can i earn it back i want to earn it back. and see before i would let her earn it back but now i think she is using it to her advantage.I mean I yell all the time. Kaylee stop that dont hit ur sister. stop torturing the dogs. she runs wild in the house. Even when i try to keep her on a routine i have tried when she gets up give her breakfast let her watch a little tv. Then shut it off play with her. play with. lunch. a nap she freaks at this too. then play a little more. and then a little tv then dinner then bath then bed. I feel liek she wants all my attention and totally disregards i have to take care of kayla. I know i am rambling But i just dont know what to do. We have tried some of the 123 magic things like count to 3 then a time out. totally doesnt work. she could care less. when she comes out of her room afterbed time she will even try to walk around and play in living room. Please help me. I dont know what to do but i feel like i am raising her wrong and she thinks she is in control. but see like today she had no nap we were out and about. and she was royal at about 5pm on. and then when she went to bed at 9 she came out a few times but that was it. she usually wakes at 7am then naps at 12 or 1 for about 2 hrs. and then awake again. HELP

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#2 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 12:47 AM
 
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Just curious what sort of activities your 3.5 year old does during the day. The hitting/poking thing might just be her trying to get attention. If I keep my girls busy they are less likely to fight - I will also say it gets better the older the younger child gets. Mine are 4 and 2.5 now and man they play so cute together. I actually do do time outs and I find they only work well when they are applied very consistently. I am very clear about stating what consequences will happen when they do things. There are No time out exceptions. It keeps me from yelling most of the time. Hang in there.
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#3 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 12:48 AM
 
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I didn't want to read and not post. to you. I don't really have much advice, since I have the same problem. I just want to let you know you're not alone.
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#4 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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Grrrr....double post.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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#5 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 01:54 AM
 
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You've pointed out specifically many individual problems. Check out "The No-Cry Discipline Solution" (book) and see if it helps. It breaks down typical problems with pretty easy solutions.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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#6 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 08:29 AM
 
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Well, it seems to me most of the behaviours you are describing are pretty normal for a 3 yo. She behaves like that because she is 3, not because you did not parent her well....

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Originally Posted by kayleesmom View Post
She doesnt go to bed when we put her to bed she comes out numerous times with every excuse in the book.
This is so common. I for one still hold my 5 yo close when it is her bedtime. My 7 yo learnt how to fall asleep by herself when she was two, but dd2 is different and needs more help. I could give you many suggestions to ease bedtime but mainly you need to see what works for you
1) does she have a tape recorder with soft music that she can listen to as she goes to sleep?
2) would you be willing to stay in the room with her for a little while? Like 10 minutes? Or allow her to read for 10 minutes after you leave the room?
3) what are the reasons she comes out of the room for? Water? Toilet? Make sure that they're all included in her bedtime routine
4) do you have a special activity just for her to close the day? My dd1, who goes to sleep by herself, has a special mommy time just for her when we play cards, or I give her a massage, and then we say night night and that's that. Dd2 does not get to play with me after dinner b'se her special time with me is falling asleep with me
5) do you put her to bed consistently at the same time every day and wake her every day at the same time (including weekends)? I read that she has a good routine going with consistent naps too, so it should not be difficult.

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Originally Posted by kayleesmom View Post
she hits makayla all the time i would assume out jealousy. makayla is 9 months like she will just walk over to kayla and poke her really hard. or knock her down when she standing up.
This is also very typical. I think you should not leave the two of them alone together, so Kaylee will not have an opportunity to hit her sibling. On the other hand, see if you can have supervised time for the two of them together, in which the eldest will make the little one laugh, so as to make her feel like she is the big sister and has her own role. Or she can take pictures of her little sister, if you have a digital camera that you can allow her to use.

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Originally Posted by kayleesmom View Post
I admit we have let her get away with alot when she was younger. like would buy her something if we were at store. Now she is like i want a prize i want a prize and totally freaks when we say no.
This is an area where it is easy to change. Just stop giving in. Do not get angry, just say no and let her do her thing of stomping and protesting. It will not be long before she realizes that when you say no you mean it. Of course, it will not be easy with two little ones but then if it does not work out, you can ask you husband to go shopping for you.

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Originally Posted by kayleesmom View Post
she also i swear thinks she is the boss. will be like mommy when we get home u cook dinner daddy you play with me and kayla and we watch tv ok.
Well, what's wrong with this? It is OK for her to say how she wishes her evening to be. If the plan is not OK with you, you can try and find a better plan that works to meet all of the needs of the family. But it is great that she is able to visualize what activities she'd like to do. At times, we are conditioned to think that kids should be more passive but when you make them an active part of the family that can be great, they just need to see that a solution needs to be found that meets their needs and those of other people

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Originally Posted by kayleesmom View Post
if she loses a privelege for doing something wrong she instantly after islike can i earn it back i want to earn it back. and see before i would let her earn it back but now i think she is using it to her advantage.
I never used punishments, and I think they totally do not work. The kid who is punished will not really focus on his behaviour, what he did wrong, but will really focus on the punishment, what he loses, what he misses, and inevitably this loss will lead to resentment and worse behaviour. I have no advice on this but to give it up, as well as the time outs. If they do not work anyway, why the effort?

Many hugs to you, it is hard to change and to do differently with our kids.
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#7 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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I think gaialice gave you some really good advice. And I agree that a lot of this is totally normal behavior, not evidence that you've failed.

I think a great book to help you might be Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. I found that it had a lot of really practical advice, as well as some good insight into some of the reasons children behave the way they do. And for you, to help you with yelling, I recommend Time Out For Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting by Cheri Huber (it's a very quick read).

The only thing I will add, is that as I've struggled with yelling it has really helped to let go of taking things my kids do so personally. Their behavior is not necessarily evidence of what we've done right or what we've done wrong as parents. They are their own people. It's not just about the nurture we put in, the nature our kids are born with is also a huge part of the equation. And it takes a long time to grow up and mature.
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#8 of 8 Old 03-11-2008, 01:49 PM
 
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: Wise advice indeed.
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