I am a new mama today. - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-08-2008, 03:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by tatermom View Post
I'd like to join, too. I haven't quite read the whole thread, but the addiction thing really rang true to me. Yesterday was a really bad day. <snip>
...I saw myself from above and realized how I was terrorizing him, how I was like this giant bully pushing him around just because I was bigger than he was (unfortunately this was not at all the first time, but it was the worst ). I felt so so awful about it, I held him and promised him I would never never do that again. And the reason why I was so angry? Ironically, because he was pushing his brother. What on earth am I teaching him?
You're teaching the virtue of accountability. Even Mama has a hard time keeping herself in control, but when we mess up, we get up, we brush ourselves off, and we go through the 3 parts of "Sorry".... We admit we made a mistake and apologize... We offer a concillatory gesture like a hug, a kiss, an offer to help clean up, etc... And we make a PLAN. A plan to prevent it from happening again.

You did all of that. I'd say you're teaching beautifully.

timneh_mom... I really feel you, too...
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Originally Posted by bellacymom View Post
(in response to timneh_mom's post)
I feel the same EXACT way. Word for word. Especially about the break thing. I say I need a break but when it is over everything starts all over again. I find myself chanting "This too shall pass" all day long.
Bright blessings to you all for a fine day tomorrow! :

Through a little creativity and open-mindedness, we are all able to paint ourselves into the peaceful mother we have resting inside of us like a pearl.

Keep coming back... keep open... be brave

We're all here for the same reasons.

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Old 04-08-2008, 03:40 AM
 
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timneh_mom... I just had to write to you... I re-read your post again. You are brave for making yourself vulnerable like that... You know it really is like recovery, and admitting you need help is a big step.

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Originally Posted by timneh_mom View Post
Sigh. I need to be here too. I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old and the 3 year old drives me absolutely nuts. I just want to go outside and beat my head against the pavement. Sometimes I don't even feel like he is human. That's when I know things have gotten really bad, when I feel like I am living with two creatures, and I feel so dissociated!

One thing that is not helping is that both kids are crappy sleepers. I slept poorly right from the beginning of my pregnancy with DS so literally I have not had good sleep for over 4 years without stopping. DH is wonderful about letting me sleep in on the weekends and giving me breaks but it's just not enough. I even had mono last year for over 6 months because I couldn't get enough sleep to get rid of it. So, the "T" in HALT is always present. Because I am always tired, I am always angry. I am often lonely, and always hungry because I am still tandem nursing.
You are a freakin' CHAMP. Many moms would have given up on their older nursling by now, if not both of them.

Let's look at HALT. (we'll look at angry in a min...) What is your diet like, what is your kids' diet like? Are you lonely for time with your dh, or with other friends, or something else? What kind of time do you have to yourself or with friends? Would you consider making the time? Have you considered other ways to replenish your energy, like meditation or a mother's retreat day once a month? How is your cycle? Do you get more aggressive 10 days before, right before, during...?

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Originally Posted by timneh_mom View Post
Although I don't remember being spanked, I grew up with parents who yelled, and fought constantly until they separated when I was about 8. My mom was always angry, always. I was not an easy kid to live with and I know she and I fed off each other (now that I'm a mother looking back). I was very lonely and truly felt like nobody cared about what I was going through. Everyone seemed to forget about me. I still feel that way now when I'm having a particularly bad day with the kids.
We will carry the memories of how we were parented forever.. better or worse. It's our lot to contrive ways to re-parent ourselves. Lets' look at angry for a minute, through different eyes....

What if in your moments of greatest lonliness, despair, anger, regret... you could look into the eyes of an Archetypal Mother...? the All-Mother... and this Great Mother laid your head in her lap, stroked your hair as you wept, and told you that it's alright to feel the way you feel. What if as you cried out your frustration at the injustices you suffered, she murmured soothing sounds of comfort, encouraging you to get it all out... rocking you?

Would your life be different?

What if someone told you that Mother IS you...? She is inside you, waiting to comfort that lonely, scared, angry girl you are inside... wanting to hold her and tell her it's ok to feel the way she feels... those feelings are authentic, and need a voice...

This is right out of a book I have read and re-read since I was 16... Circle of Stones: A Woman's Journey to Herself by Judith Duerk... It's a penny on amazon... I recommend this book to all women looking to evolve and own herself.

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Originally Posted by timneh_mom View Post
People have suggested preschool to "give me a break" but who would it really be for? Me or him? Also, I don't want someone else to have to deal with him when he's being difficult. I also don't feel he is ready to be apart from me that regularly, right now. Preschool also doesn't fix stress at home but now I digress.
Actually, pre-school might just be a way to assist in healing the stress at home. A co-op or group play situation may provide a place of sanctuary for you AND your little ones... If you can find the right situation. We are at a co-op. Dd (3) goes 2 days a week, I am there with her 1 day a week parent helping... she gets so much out of their Reggio Emelia program (child-led, constructivist...). And the community of like-minded folks is amazing. We do workshops every month on different strategies, approaches, books, etc. I facilitated one on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish (link takes you to a review with a really great mind-map tool...) last month. It's really helpful to have some input and insight from others in my community. Plus dd has so many relationships, now... those relationships help her form her identity and strengthen her relationship with dh and me.



As for the rest, girl... the sleep, the hopelessness... it won't last forever. Try to find inspiration here among the other moms who are committing to be better and supporting each other. You will see changes, I promise. Take some advice, give some advice... you'll see a difference... little at first, but it will really blossom!
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Old 04-08-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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Oh wow. Everyone here is just fantastic. Thank you SO much, it means more than I can say. We actually had a pretty good day yesterday but I really had to work hard to keep myself in the right frame of mind. I think checking in here daily will help a ton.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post

You are a freakin' CHAMP. Many moms would have given up on their older nursling by now, if not both of them.

Let's look at HALT. (we'll look at angry in a min...) What is your diet like, what is your kids' diet like? Are you lonely for time with your dh, or with other friends, or something else? What kind of time do you have to yourself or with friends? Would you consider making the time? Have you considered other ways to replenish your energy, like meditation or a mother's retreat day once a month? How is your cycle? Do you get more aggressive 10 days before, right before, during...?
Cycles? I haven't started them yet since DD was born. She nurses so much at night especially, I don't expect them to start any time soon. As for diet, it's not the best but not horrible either... I try to get enough protein and I bake all our own bread, try to eat some raw foods, we don't eat much fast food or boxed processed stuff but occasionally we do. I do make sure to see friends at least a couple of times a week. They have kids that my kids are happy to play with. We have a weekly playgroup and the same moms come each week. And I can call any of them outside of the playgroup day for more company if I want. I don't get much time alone with DH but I think (sadly) I've gotten used to that. We do need to get out more just the two of us, and we have family who has offered to baby sit. DS is very clingy right now and MIL thinks that's "bad" - whatever!




Quote:
Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post

What if someone told you that Mother IS you...? She is inside you, waiting to comfort that lonely, scared, angry girl you are inside... wanting to hold her and tell her it's ok to feel the way she feels... those feelings are authentic, and need a voice...
There is so much good stuff in your post but I wanted to condense it a little...

I have done this meditation before but not for many years, when I read it again it made me cry. I am definitely in need of mothering myself, since my own mother was in too much pain/grief and did the best she could. It's still the same with my mother. Now that she is aging, it's getting worse actually.

Thank you, again, for everything. It means so much!! We are going to consider preschool for next fall, but not this year. I am going to try to do some home preschool and want to discuss the possibility of co-op at home preschool with some of my friends, at some point, but I actually just read about that a few days ago. So I haven't had the chance yet. DS is not potty trained yet, and doesn't seem to care, he is also not weaned, he walked late too so he just doesn't do anything til he is darn good and ready.

Just a little while ago, I started to get mad because DD has been crabby all morning yet won't nap (pretty normal for her) and I just need another cup of coffee to function and DS was immediately on me for a snack. I told him I was starting to get angry and coffee would make me feel better, and went to the kitchen to heat up my coffee (again) and make him a snack. I sat down with my coffee and my snack and gave him his and announced that I was not going to do anything else for anybody til I was done eating and had my coffee. I was calm and not yelling and just was matter of fact, and you know what, they have been occupying themselves and I was able to eat and get my joe. (I'm really, really awful til I've had enough coffee, because I am always short on sleep and cannot do anything about that, I simply cannot function or think until I've had it!)

Again, thank you SO much. Really, I think I need to start a daily check in thread for mamas in my situation. I think if I force myself to be accountable for long enough, it will force me to change. I don't want to derail this thread, or take it over...
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Old 04-09-2008, 03:38 AM
 
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This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one? My anger problems really bacame an issue when I was pregnant with number 2. Now that my son is 3 I am challenged not only by his behaviour but by dividing my attention with a 6 month old as well as cooking, cleaning, and conquering the world I feel like a failure as one by one my family and friends notice it and tell me that GD is a joke and the solution is to be more rigid with my discipline. I am so glad that I found this thread and can reaffirm my belief in myself and my ideal parenting style. Baby step by baby step I will get back on the path and break the cycle of anger! Thank you so much, I am learning so much from each post. I can't wait to come back and add more positivity!
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Old 04-09-2008, 03:52 AM
 
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This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one? My anger problems really bacame an issue when I was pregnant with number 2. Now that my son is 3 I am challenged not only by his behaviour but by dividing my attention with a 6 month old as well as cooking, cleaning, and conquering the world I feel like a failure as one by one my family and friends notice it and tell me that GD is a joke and the solution is to be more rigid with my discipline. I am so glad that I found this thread and can reaffirm my belief in myself and my ideal parenting style. Baby step by baby step I will get back on the path and break the cycle of anger! Thank you so much, I am learning so much from each post. I can't wait to come back and add more positivity!
Nicole, it's the same with me. My anger issues really came up in my late pregnancy and especially since my 8 month old was born. I tend to really lose it in those times when both kids suddenly need me desperately (crying, whining for mommy, etc), and I've been known to yell at both of them simultaneously to stop whining! I feel like I'm a great mommy about 90% of the time, but there's that other 10% (such as when we're trying to get out the door, or I'm trying to make dinner, etc) when I feel like a wild animal-- I feel so angry and frustrated and overwhelmed. I don't know what my kids think about the two sides of me, but I do always talk with the kids (well, with my 3 yo at least) about it, and apologize, though that doesn't excuse it.

DS1 and I have been talking a lot about ways to handle anger, and today when I started to get angry I told him I was going to go into the other room to calm down and he said "ok" and did not, for once, try to follow me (which does NOT help!). A few minutes later he asked from the other room "mommy, do you feel relaxed now?", and I actually did. So today was actually a pretty good day for us! Thanks, everyone for this thread, it really helps, and thanks, PrennaMama for the nice comments-- I really appreciate it.

Mommy to two boys, ages 4 and 6.

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Old 04-09-2008, 05:10 PM
 
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This thread is amazing. Why is it you always think you are the only one?
I think personally I have this unrealistic idea that everyone is doing better than I am, that nobody else yells at their kids, that my house is the worst, I think when you're living in stress it's hard to see past your own situation.

I am relieved that other people feel the same way. It helps me feel not so alone. I think my anger really bloomed too when I was pregnant with my second. DS was 18 months when I found out and he was not easy from 1 1/2 to 2. He slept awfully and I was so tired, I was never one of those "I feel great when pregnant!" kind of people. Then she was born and kept me up for months, and it made him look like an angel. I just have really hard kids. The baby is happy most of the time now but I am a wreck from not enough sleep.

Anyway here I go on and on again. I hope everyone has a good day today.
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Old 04-09-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Oh wow. It has been so so good for me to read this. Thank you so much.
Count me in.

Two of my biggest struggles are bedtimes (with no DH home) and Dd's treatment of DS. +

I have many times asked DD to stop being rough with him, and then picked her up and removed her too roughly myself. It is madness, I know.

I am seriously in tears reading all of your experiences.
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:19 AM
 
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I just lost it. Totally lost it. Dd is having these cat-naps at my college daycare (30-45 min) and it's kinda messing with her night time routine. She was going down at 7:30 every night and sleeping really well, but now it's after nine, again, and she's totally fighting it. She just keeps coming out and (like literally as soon as I close the door and take a step, she's right there, opening the door) saying, "I can't sleep." My take is "Give it a chance, dd. Snuggle Casey (her bear) talk to Big Mama Bear (the giant bear by her bed), listen to your music, think about things that make you feel happy... sleep will come, you have to give it time. I'll come check on you in 2 minutes and if you;re still having a hard time, I'll sing you another lullabye." That was the first time... the next few times finally pushed me right over the edge...

It's been one thing after another tonight, since I got home with dh and dd from school. He picks us both up.

He made a point of letting me know he magnanimously did the dishes, and then he officially checked out. So, it's my second week of school, my first full-time term, 8 hours a day 2 days a week, and due to the adjustment period, (heavy homework load and the only quiet time at home is when they are both asleep, which is why I usually post here after midnight...) I'm on about 3 hours sleep a night. I got home, made dinner, fought to keep her at the table (as lovingly and gently as I could muster... slightly threatening her that if she continued to get up, I'd take it as a signal she was done and take her plate.

She eventually stayed for long enough to take a few bites and then we all finished.

It was bath time amd she asked if I'd please join her. I thought taking a bath with her might calm me, it's a ritual we have to take a relaxing bath together and I wash her hair and we talk about the day... Instead she got all aggro about her washcloth and threw it at me, then actually spit at me.

I stayed calm. I did. I was so proud. I said, "You know, bath time is a special treat for me. I feel frustarted that you're being rude to me. I'm going to go, and when you're ready I'll help you get dried off, and stuff..." SHe sulked and said sorry, and then all was well.

Or so I thought.

So after a few times trailingout after me stubbornly refusing to just kick it in bed and wait for Mom to come in, I snapped. I shouted some. I ranted and growled and snarked about :"Give it a chance, STAY IN YOUR ROOM. IN YOUR BED. And WAIT!!" : Then I slammed the door hard, and came into the office where I started to cry, because I felt like I'd failed her in that moment.

SO I go into to dh who is still in front of the tv on our bed, just zoned, and I say quietly, "I'm not doing this very well... I can't do it tonight." and he says: "Yeah, duh. Yer freakin' out."

I railed on him for a minute about having come to him for support and needing comfort and then lost my steam, started to to cry again, and came back to the dark office to sit on the floor in the dark and cry.

Then I thought... "The ladies are there. Maybe that's the last place I know I can go for comfort..."

Thanks for reading this. We all have craptastic days... It helps to get it out. Like a little support group communal journal.

Dh came in while I was typing a moment ago and rubbed my shoulders, he didn't say a word. When he was done, he kissed my cheek and asked me to come watch American Idol with him...

Feeling a little better... I'll take what I can get!

Goodnight!
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Old 04-10-2008, 09:28 AM
 
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Prennamama -- Those catnaps can really throw things off.
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Old 04-10-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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Prennamama!! We all have days like that! Those short, late naps screw up everyone!

Remember - nobody is perfect! Both of you were feeling the stress, and it's hard to cope sometimes. I hope today is a better day for you!!
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Old 04-10-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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PrennaMama. Sounds like DD was having a bad night-- I notice when DS is having a day or night like that there is not much I can do to "fix" it for him. It seems to me like you should be proud of how long you kept your patience! (especially when sleep deprived and under stress from school!) Hope you have a better day today!

Mommy to two boys, ages 4 and 6.

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Old 04-10-2008, 01:13 PM
 
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im join to try to try, and for me thats big,
i have a headache so this may be a bit garbbeled and i havent read all 3x50 post pages yet adn dont think i can)

i am a bad bad mommy at times, i yell, shout, scream, grab, guilt trip, call names (yeah i know) and i have/do spank. i have VERY BAD anger control and flip out at slightest thing, i have pulled taht right back over last few days and have taken a breath when i would of given said child a clip and lowerd my tone and used my words instead and i feel better but i am still not there yet. yesterday was BAD. maybe because i was stressed out cos on Feb 20th my husband was attacked IN OUR HOME IN FRONT OF OUR 4 KIDS and the man responsible was in court yesterday (we wernt asked to attend) and i was worried about them coming back (they have since been evicted form next door).

i am a total stress head adn lost it fast when im wound up adn i have been pretty much wound up for 4 years and untill recentaly had CPS involvemtn which kept me wound up,
with my youngest son i was told by my HV and my Social Worker to
"leave him to cry so you can get the housework done" as they thought that was moer important than me careing for and holding my newborn baby. i did as i was told and it broke my heart over and over and over, all i remember of the first 6 month of his life is him crying and me stressing at him and (this is hard no one except DH knows this PLEASE DONT flame me)

i Hurt My Baby and im Sorry. i have to go now im nearly crying and i cant cosa sis is here and she doesnt know and i dont want her to know

Kiz
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:22 PM
 
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Onemagicmummy

Wife to DH(15 years)and Mama to: Jacob(5/02)kid.gifribbonpurple.gif, and Alina(7/07)energy.gifI luxlove.gifbellyhair.gif
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Old 04-11-2008, 05:57 AM
 
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thank you for the hug.
i can explain a bt more now
he was 7 month old at the time, i used to well i cant say it but it was mean, and hurtfull to us both and i so regret it but cant seem to get past it, and im slipping with him again, yet i cant imagine being mean to DD2 who is the same age NOW as DS2 was back when i was bad, (shes almsot 7 months) i told DH, he changed his hours at work as soona s he could (when DS2 was almsot a year old) so he was home for me at the most stressfull time of day, Bed time. since then i have been doing so well i thought i was OK. but we have had a fair bit of stress in past 7 months or so, Baby, Moved House, HAd trouble with negibours, DH was attacked and now im jsut spiriling the drain and i KNWO that i had PPD tendancioes but i dont want meds i want to do it as natural as i can cos i have worked so hard ot get rid of CPS i dont want em back cos they thing i cant cope, i can cope im jsut having a hard time at the mo. i know i can do it, i just dont see HOW i can do. DH is now working 12 hours a day 3 days a week 3 off 3 on and i HATE it. im tired ALL the time even when i get a good night sleep, i have a almsot constant headache, and even the slightes whinging gets to me. just now for instance i went upstairs to get my jeans on and askd DD2 and DS2 to STAY downstairs and they BOTH said no i wanna go to bed(its 8am) so they came up, so instead of losing my temper i put em to bed. im not gonna leave em there all day but i did it to prove a point, maybe im worng but i dont care.

its DS2 thats driving me insane, he is demanding, nasty, will play nicely one moment the ruin it for everyone the next so everything has to be put away cos hes trashed it whihc isnt fair on the others, he wont nap but gets cranky.
he can be so loving too he likes hugs and kisses, he loves to hug the baby. i dont want to change his behaviour as its mostly normal for a 2 yr old i want to g=change how I deal with it.

also any one any ideas oh how to handle a 5 yr old who HATES to go out, be it grocery shopping, a day in town, or even a trip to soft play, the park or his fave sushi place he kicks up such a fuss about going out that we do spent alot on time home.

well i think thats enought rambeling from me.

Kiz
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Old 04-11-2008, 05:58 AM
 
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Eek
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Old 04-13-2008, 06:17 PM
 
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Thanks for the support you guys... having MDC down for the weekend messed with me.

Onemagicmummy would you consider a Mother's Helper? A young adult or older adolescent, a student or someone like that, who may come during a couple of hours in the day to help you with things like chores 'round the house, keeping the kids entertained while you take a walk, do some shopping, or have a rest? What about 2 hours a day, so you can have a 2 hour respite while the kids are engaged in healthy interaction with a such a helper? Or 2 days a week, or something...?

It really sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and having 4 children (is that right?) on top of emotional imbalance (PPD is no joke, it is a medically diagosable disorder) and major traumas like dh being assaulted, is no small issue. I totally understand the desire to self-treat, naturally, the symptoms of PPD... but if you have a cavity, you don't try to pull the tooth out yourself, do you? If you have conjuntivitis (pink-eye) you don't hope it will go away by having faith, do you? And by the same token, if you have a medically diagnosed chemical imbalance such as clinical depression, PPD, or something worse, like bipolar disorder, (not saying you're bipolar... just an example), then it is not unrealistic that you should be, and you should find no fault in, seeking medical help in the form of appropriate treatments, such as medication and counseling. Would it help if you viewed your treatment options as temporary? There are a lot of people who go through what you're going through, and they take medication and seek counseling for a period of time, until things hit a point of equilibrium, then they go on about things under their own steam using the tools they learned in counseling...

You wouldn't expect your children or a friend to take on such a load with no support, would you? You need support, too Mama... and you have a right to seek it out.

Do you read? Would you consider looking at some books that might provide some workable strategies?

Good luck to you, and bright blessings, best wishes....






Has anyone seen miss becoming, (the founder of this oasis of support and understanding)?

I hope you're well, becoming; you're in my thoughts...
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Old 04-13-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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Thanks for the support you guys... having MDC down for the weekend messed with me.

Onemagicmummy would you consider a Mother's Helper? A young adult or older adolescent, a student or someone like that, who may come during a couple of hours in the day to help you with things like chores 'round the house, keeping the kids entertained while you take a walk, do some shopping, or have a rest? What about 2 hours a day, so you can have a 2 hour respite while the kids are engaged in healthy interaction with a such a helper? Or 2 days a week, or something...? i would but i have no idea where to start to find such a helper, its almost unheard of in UK, and i cant afford to pay someone.

It really sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and having 4 children (is that right?) on top of emotional imbalance (PPD is no joke, it is a medically diagosable disorder) and major traumas like dh being assaulted, is no small issue. I totally understand the desire to self-treat, naturally, the symptoms of PPD... but if you have a cavity, you don't try to pull the tooth out yourself, do you? If you have conjuntivitis (pink-eye) you don't hope it will go away by having faith, do you? And by the same token, if you have a medically diagnosed chemical imbalance such as clinical depression, PPD, or something worse, like bipolar disorder, (not saying you're bipolar... just an example), then it is not unrealistic that you should be, and you should find no fault in, seeking medical help in the form of appropriate treatments, such as medication and counseling. Would it help if you viewed your treatment options as temporary? There are a lot of people who go through what you're going through, and they take medication and seek counseling for a period of time, until things hit a point of equilibrium, then they go on about things under their own steam using the tools they learned in counseling...
Yeah i have 4 kids, and your right about seeking treatment, after this past week i think i need to or im gonna flip out, today has been bad, the dude that attacke DH was in the street picking up paving slabs form his old house and as soon as i saw him my blood ran cold, i have been shacky adn nervious all day, his twin daughters and still on the street now adn i do not feel safe, i can relax, i feel like im gonna cry at anymoment, i feel fragile and i could go at any moment, DH is due back at work 8-6 on tuesday and i am so dreading it, i can feel myself breaking, if i feel like this just seeing him on the street how am i supposed to give evidance at the court case in june(jsut found out this week)
You wouldn't expect your children or a friend to take on such a load with no support, would you? You need support, too Mama... and you have a right to seek it out.
no i would not expect my child to take on a big load alone, as for friends, i have none.
Do you read? Would you consider looking at some books that might provide some workable strategies? i love to read and i am open to anything. i am getting in on a co-op of Acountible Kids stuff soon to try to help me and the kids, anything that can help ME run a happy home with out shouting, yelling and spanking.

Good luck to you, and bright blessings, best wishes....
thank you.
i am a mess today, my sisters gone home and i feel empty, hollow and alone, i dont want HD going back to work but i know he has to, i am worried i will take out my frustrations on the kids, i try so hard to stay calm and together but im just no good at it, i am not the mother i planned on being, i am not the mother i want to be,

i hate where i live, i cant move, i feel trapped and exposed at the same time. as soon as i settle up my rent account i am going to get on the transfer list for a house somewhere else. if it was not for hte fact my kids are so young and need me i would get a job. i just want to find peace and for things to be still and quiet and i dunno what i want. i dont want to live in fear.

i think i will contact my HV tomorrow and tell her im not doing so well, i should of told her last time i saw her but i was doing well that week. this week, not so well,

Kiz
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Old 04-13-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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Raising a Secure Child: Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child by Zeynep Biringen, Ph.D. is an excellent book I recommend to everyone. It's a varitable work-book with easy to understand and apply techniques to review, work on, and maintain the emotional availability we need to offer our children as they grow. It takes Attachment Theory to a whole new level of accountability and understanding.

Here's the Emotional Availability website. It's got some online tools.

The Work by Byron Katie is profoundly life-changing, too. She was in a deep impossible-to-navigate depression for many years before she began to "wake up to reality" as she puts it, and started The Work. I urge you to check out her website...

Take a look at some of this... just reading and educating one's self can be transformative... your mood will improve, your outlook will uplift... surround yourself with information, peace, acceptance, tolerance, love... especially love. Give extra love to the kids when you need it the most. The more you give, the more you get....

You can do this, girl.
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Old 04-13-2008, 11:53 PM
 
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subbing...

love.gif my lads whistling.gif(6/2005) &kid.gif (3/2007) *and* lasses hearts.gif(1/2009) & flower.gif (7/2010)

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Old 04-13-2008, 11:57 PM
 
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I just found this through another thread. I need help.

I am not the parent I was 7 years ago (DD will be 8 in May). I yell, I glare, I say her name in that pissy, awful voice. I snap. I have ZERO patience, and ZERO tolerance for slow responses. I have tried, so hard, to change and stop yelling; I can see my sensitive, sweet child crumple and burst into tears as I rail at her. I have ruined bedtimes, dinners and all times in between. I am watching her turn into a minature version of me: impatient and nasty. I feel bad about myself, constantly. I feel like a bad, judgemental, awful person, and I can feel DD's sweet childhood slipping away. I don't know what to do or how to change. I feel like such a jerk; I only have one, and she's older, and I can't handle it.

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Never let your schooling interfere with your education. ~Mark Twain~

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Old 04-14-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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it's so good to see this thread again.

things have been decent but i've been back to work so i'm not home all day anymore.

i agree with checking on on a daily basis... i think it helps.

eh. who needs a signature?
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Old 04-18-2008, 09:55 PM
 
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Hi all! Have you all been doing well? It's been a few days and I see I'm not the only one who hasn't been by recently.

We had a breakthrough, again, the other day.

The process of promising myself and my child a peaceful relationship everyday is beginning to pay off.

I'm having The-World-Will-Not-Come-To-An-End-If-I-Let-It-Go moments of Zen, for sure.

The other night dd watched a movie during dinner (one I don't mind watching, too... when Dad's not home for dinner, we frequently keep things chill...) and I knew she would not want to jet off to bed right after, even tho it was getting on about that time.

So I said "If you're not ready to go to bed (she had on jammies, etc, was ready for bed, just knew she'd not be ready to go to bed) when the movie is over, you may elect to watch one Little Bear vignet, or choose something else, quiet and peaceful to do before you're ready..."

Sure enough she said "I'm not ready to go to sleep, yet!" I let her know: "I respect that you are not ready yet, so would you like to watch Little Bear?"

She politely said, "Yes please!"

Later when it was nearing the end (20 min later) I got close to her and said, "I know you may not yet be ready to go upstairs, but when Little Bear is over, I'll be ready for the TV to be off. That's a choice I am making so I can do my homework. You may make another choice until you're ready to go upstairs."

When it was over, she wailed "I don't wanna go to bed..." in anticipation of the usual battle...

I reminded her: "Dd, I know. I respect that you are not ready to go to bed, yet... but TV will not be a choice. Can you think of something else you would like to do?"

She was so excited, she said "I know! My exercise cd..." a children's medtation/stretching cd. She got it out and said "This isn't tv, maybe we could do it together...?"

Although I was very eager to begin my homework, I knew it would be only 9 minutes, and we would both enjoy it, so I said yes, and we had a nice stretch together... at the end, she said, "Ok, I feel ready now."

And off we went to get her into bed and it was SOOO NICE!!
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Old 04-19-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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Prennamama

We had a pretty good day today. Earlier in the week was bad because I was still horribly nauseated from a bad stomach bug from the week before. I was miserable and still had not gotten enough sleep - so I was constantly angry and unhappy. Today, the weather was warm, we had friends over and played outside, I got time with my friend while our kids played, then DH got home early, I grilled for dinner, then we went and visited family. The kids behaved well and went to bed easily and it was good. I wish my good days like today were the rule, and not the exception. I just want the days to be good, so I feel well at the end of the day. I want that more than anything. I hate it when most of my days seem crappy. It sucks.
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Old 04-20-2008, 12:22 AM
 
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trying to weed my way through these threads, but I definately need to be here.

I feel like all my attachment parenting has gone out the window, and now gentle discipline seems near impossible. I would never hit, but I have grabbed at times.

My kids are just really extremely head strong. There is NO GETTING THROUGH to them once they have honed in on something they want, but I'd rather them not do. So I find myself physically removing them, or things from them, and I hate that because they SNATCH things ALL THE TIME...no wonder

I have always allowed my kids to explore everything in our home and outside. I put little restriction on them, because I really want them to experience life this way. But now, they don't get it. If you tell them no to something, they take it like a "suggestion". They feel entitled to touching everything and anything. And if they did so in a respectful way, I wouldn't mind, but they don't care! They don't take care/pride in their things, or ours (mine and dh). It is so infuriating!

My mom says I did this to them/myself :.
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Old 04-21-2008, 04:09 PM
 
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I am a terrible screaming mama today.
DD is in her room b/c DS pickedup a drum that she was playing with earlier. she was NOT playing wiht it at the the time. she was cutting with scissors and threatend him with the scissors in his face.
I said sternly go to your room...she said I will not
She said, "ia m going to bite you" to me
I picked her up and she screamed and I threw her onto her brother's bed(It's softer than her bed which is a futon)
I am shaking with anger...and guilt and i am horrified with myself.
she's still in the9re b/c I don;t what to do.

To make matters worse her little brother came in with the drum and gave it to her saying, "johanna need it" It was so sweet it made cry too and reminded me how awful I am.

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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Old 04-21-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
I am a terrible screaming mama today.
DD is in her room b/c DS pickedup a drum that she was playing with earlier. she was NOT playing wiht it at the the time. she was cutting with scissors and threatend him with the scissors in his face.
I said sternly go to your room...she said I will not
She said, "ia m going to bite you" to me
I picked her up and she screamed and I threw her onto her brother's bed(It's softer than her bed which is a futon)
I am shaking with anger...and guilt and i am horrified with myself.
she's still in the9re b/c I don;t what to do.

To make matters worse her little brother came in with the drum and gave it to her saying, "johanna need it" It was so sweet it made cry too and reminded me how awful I am.


I'm sorry you are feeling so awful, and sorry for the circumstances leading up to it. When I've done something like that I apologize to whoever I screamed at, threw into their room, etc. And I ask whoever also hurt someone apologize for whatever they did. While I don't want to diminish my own wrongdoing, it doesn't negate theirs, and I think it's a good lesson in resolving conflict all the way around. We also discuss how we could have made better choices in how we all responded to whatever set us off.

Take a deep breath, calm down, and have a fresh start. Try not to beat yourself up too much.
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Old 04-21-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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Wow. I am so glad I found this thread. Is it ok if I join you ladies?!

I have a 4 year old, a 21 month old and am 6 months pregnant.... I lose my patience A LOT. The hardest part for all of us is that we just moved to a new city and have lost touch with most of our friends. So my 4 year old is lonely, I am lonely and my baby is just really spirited.

On top of that, my Mom, my main source of support, is one for spanking, yelling and just not gentle discilpine in the least. I hate to cut her out of my life becuase she is such a good source of support in every other part of my life, except for disciplining the kids.

I need to learn to be more patient and that part of the issue here is that I am projecting my emotions on them and they are only refelcting mommas sad mood.

Thanks for letting me join. Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one to ever lose it somedays...

Nicki
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Old 04-21-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Thinking about all of you mamas today . . Really lost it with my lo. He's only 2&1/2. Lots of hugs and apologies all around.
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:02 AM
 
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Oh, the defiant 3 yo! So today was difficult for both of us, but the worst I did was haul her off the top of the car because she refused to get down herself after quite a bit of time (like 1/2 hour) and transition warnings. DS had melted down and was screaming, so my ability to talk her around was severely limited. I didn't even yell when a few minutes later she started hitting and kicking me while I was nursing DS, and pumping for her. (I don't even remember WHY she was kicking me...)

Anyway, later as she refused to do something or another small, I asked her, in a simply curious tone of voice, why she didn't want to do it. Her answer?
"Oh, I just like to refuse to do things."
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:06 AM
 
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Checking in on you ladies. We have shut off our cable and seen an improvement but I feel awful this week so we have backslide. I want to stick syringe in my forehead to relieve my sinus pressure. Wishing you all good luck!
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