I am a new mama today. - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

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#241 of 270 Old 08-01-2008, 03:31 AM
 
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You mean every other mother out there isn't doing it perfectly while I sometimes feel like I don't have a clue? ;-)

What a great topic. I gained so much just reading through everyone else's struggles. Not that I want anyone else to struggle . . . it's just nice to know that I'm not alone.

Wife to DH (1991) and Mommy to DS (4YO) and DS (2 YO).
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#242 of 270 Old 08-01-2008, 06:05 AM
 
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I'm in... I didn't read the whole thread, but I too am starting new from today.

No more yelling! :
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#243 of 270 Old 08-01-2008, 10:16 AM
 
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I am in-I wish I saw this thread months ago. I had been a fairly calm GD mom until my dd turned 3 and I found out I was pregnant and she gave up her naps (yes-all in the same week!)-then I just lost all patience Yelling and sadly occasionally screaming is my huge problem. I now have an 8 week old::And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old. Its been a rough year-and I vow now-I will be the calm mom that I want to be.

I am starting today.

I need more tools to do this and will go back and read this thread as I have time.

to all of you!
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#244 of 270 Old 08-01-2008, 10:33 AM
 
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I'm in!
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#245 of 270 Old 08-02-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by becoming View Post
This is a great idea!

I do something similar. When I start to feel the "rage" coming on, I repeat this quote inside my head:

"Harsh words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops."

Or, now that I'm more familiar with the quote and its meaning, I'll just remind myself, "Drops, not hailstones. Drops, not hailstones."
this is WONDERFUL!!! Thanks for posting. Going to hang this where I can see it.
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#246 of 270 Old 08-02-2008, 01:18 PM
 
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I, too, am having issues with yelling and guilting my kids. Starting today, I am going to find other ways to deal with the issues that are going on. In particular, I need to find a more positive way to deal with my 5yo when she is being very aggressive with her 3yo sister.

I will read the rest of the thread when later today and tonight.
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#247 of 270 Old 08-03-2008, 01:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm back, and I want to start over. I have regressed into my old ways again and feel worse than ever about my relationships with my children.

So, starting now, I am a new mama again. This time for good, I hope.

I will breathe deeply when I feel like screaming.
I will hug my kids when I feel like pushing them away.
I will play.
I will laugh.

When I feel myself losing it, I will remember that these little people are the best things that have ever happened to me.

Thanks so much to you mamas who are making this journey with me.
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#248 of 270 Old 08-03-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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I've been lurking on this thread here and there, and I am now subscribing to it and want to hold myself accountable too. I lose my temper with my two year old a lot more than I care to admit....I find myself yelling and sometimes screaming. He never cries, but a couple of times recently when I lost it and yelled really loud, he has started kneeling down on the ground and putting his face to the ground, like he is trying to hide from me. He is a pretty new two, not anywhere near three, AND we are TTC our second baby....so I want to get a hold of myself now, before things get really complicated and spiral out of control. Especially since I have quite the non-GD husband, so he's not going to be much help.

: I am so grateful for all of you mamas sharing your experiences on here, thank you in advance! I've gotta go back and make my way thru this thread, but not tonight. I hope to chat with you all soon.

treehugger.gif Mia, married to my superhero.gif since 2006, mama to bikenew.gif D (5/06) and dust.gifM (8/09).
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#249 of 270 Old 08-03-2008, 09:21 AM
 
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I did pretty decent today.. I only raised my voice once and I stopped myself half way through the sentence and calmed down before continueing. I did, however, also have a church potluck where DD loves everyone and willing played without causing complete destruction of her surroundings. It was nice to be able to be around adults and not have to worry about DD...
Hopefully I can not yell tomorrow but we will see.

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#250 of 270 Old 08-07-2008, 10:37 AM
 
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I did pretty decent today.. I only raised my voice once and I stopped myself half way through the sentence and calmed down before continueing. I did, however, also have a church potluck where DD loves everyone and willing played without causing complete destruction of her surroundings. It was nice to be able to be around adults and not have to worry about DD...
Hopefully I can not yell tomorrow but we will see.
I am glad you had a good day! How are you doing?

I had been doing pretty well-and blew it yesterday-yelled at my dd. I am wondering what to do in this situation-I let dd1 (3.75) know what we are going to do-I give her the option of getting dressed herself now while I am nursing my 9 week old-or me helping her after I finish. If she is not dressed once I am done-I help her-well, more often than not-she won't get dressed while I am nursing-but then won't let me help her. What she does-is start kicking and screaming-sometimes connecting with dd2 She then laughs as she is kicking and screaming that she is not listening to me as I am trying to talk to her. This is my trigger-I get upset when she does this-and then have to physically pick her up and remove her so that she doesn't hurt me or more importantly dd2. She then gets upset and starts yelling even more and gets completely out of control. So I took her down to her room yesterday to calm down because I didn't know what else to do I know situations like this are downward spirals-I am wondering what I can do to stop it. The main problem is the utter disrespect. She also does the above anytime I am on the phone-kicking me and screaming at me and laughing. I know she needs attention and we try-its hard with a newborn. The problem is that even when I give her my complete attention-if I have to walk away for one minute she goes nuts! Help
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#251 of 270 Old 08-08-2008, 02:45 PM
 
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Count me in too.....my parenting has been going down hill since my DD#2 was born and my DH left for afghanistan 19 months ago. My dd#1 is very spirited and needy. We just moved again to charleston sc and things are calming down. I just hope to have more patiance and not yell. I like the counting to 10 and deep breaths. This is a good thread!
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#252 of 270 Old 08-11-2008, 03:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by pumpkinseed View Post
I am in-I wish I saw this thread months ago. I had been a fairly calm GD mom until my dd turned 3 and I found out I was pregnant and she gave up her naps (yes-all in the same week!)-then I just lost all patience Yelling and sadly occasionally screaming is my huge problem. I now have an 8 week old::And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old. Its been a rough year-and I vow now-I will be the calm mom that I want to be.

I am starting today.

I need more tools to do this and will go back and read this thread as I have time.

to all of you!
When is your older one turning 4? Mine will be 4 on 11/12... She's a big ol' scorpio. Has a bunch of it in her chart. Knowing that about her, and knowing about the Scorpio born in year of the Monkey has helped... there are quirks I watch for. She really responds to logic, she's extremely verbal.

I really enjoy using this one: "I love you too much to fight with you... I'm walking away so we can cool off. Let's talk about this later when we can both be loving and respectful."

Sometimes she flips out even more, but I just keep repeating, "I love you too much to be part of this... I'm patient and I will wait for you to cool off..."

Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
I'm back, and I want to start over. I have regressed into my old ways again and feel worse than ever about my relationships with my children.

So, starting now, I am a new mama again. This time for good, I hope.

I will breathe deeply when I feel like screaming.
I will hug my kids when I feel like pushing them away.
I will play.
I will laugh.

When I feel myself losing it, I will remember that these little people are the best things that have ever happened to me.

Thanks so much to you mamas who are making this journey with me.
Hi becoming! Aw girl... not everyday is a five star day. My friend Sal says: Why ruin a good month with bad week? Meaning, let all the crap-tastic mistakes and snafus happen all at once, make you feel like poop, and then be done with it.

My friend Lo says: Set a timer when you're feeling down about x, y, and/or z... for like 10 minutes. Flip out and feel bad til the bell rings, and be done with it.

And lastly, I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did:
Quote:
Imagine you're in a train station awaiting the arrival
of a most beloved friend or family member whom you
haven't seen in years.

You've been anticipating this reunion for days,
activating memories of good times you've shared, and
you *know* you're going to explode with joy when you
finally meet.

The train arrives and people begin deboarding as you
balance on your tip-toes, reaching for a glimpse of
your cherished guest. You can barely contain the
immense love and joy you're feeling.....

Now imagine that cherished guest is your child!
Not some future adult version but your now/today
child, coming off that train, just as eager to connect
as you are.

Imagine meeting your child with that same expectation
of overflowing love and joy every morning as you rise
and every time you reconnect throughout the day.

If you like this idea, imagine it often.
Creation begins with imagination.
The above is from Scott Noelle, a parenting coach (something I aspire to someday be, too!), who has developed EnjoyParenting.com, where you can get daily or weekly or monthly emails from the Daily Groove, containing very short (like above) inspirations and insights into all manner of parenting navigation... I really like the message that "The greatest gift you can give your children is to enjoy parenting them!" and he follows this with: "That's the conclusion I've come to after years of studying the best available information on alternative, holistic, and natural parenting — applying it with my own family, and coaching like-minded parents."

Good stuff... check it out!
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#253 of 270 Old 08-11-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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When is your older one turning 4? Mine will be 4 on 11/12... She's a big ol' scorpio. Has a bunch of it in her chart. Knowing that about her, and knowing about the Scorpio born in year of the Monkey has helped... there are quirks I watch for. She really responds to logic, she's extremely verbal.

I really enjoy using this one: "I love you too much to fight with you... I'm walking away so we can cool off. Let's talk about this later when we can both be loving and respectful."

Sometimes she flips out even more, but I just keep repeating, "I love you too much to be part of this... I'm patient and I will wait for you to cool off..."


Yes! She is on the cusp of the Scorpio and will be 4-10/23-do tell me more about this and where to find info to get through to her! She is also extremely verbal-and does respond to logic if she is calm enough (ALWAYS needs to know why and how things work, )etc...

Thanks for the other info as well-I will be reading up on that website-I like the train analogy.
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#254 of 270 Old 08-11-2008, 03:57 PM
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I'm with you! I'm the mama to one VERY high energy (was high needs from newborn on) five year old. He get the best of me every time and I end up yelling and making threats (he knows I NEVER follow thru on ANY threat). And I end up w/ high blood pressure and migraines and insomnia. NO MORE. I'm in!
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#255 of 270 Old 08-12-2008, 11:24 PM
 
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With those high spirited, sharp, and verbal kids it is easy to get caught up in the drama of the moment (or day, depending...). Try this out: Imagine your child as a peer that is cycling through something... depression, anxiety, a job-loss, divorce, whatever... remember that the seeminly minute issues that our children react to are just as profound to them as the things that would make us or a friend of ours act out of whack, and then try to respond with the sympathy you would give a friend. Sure, ok, a friend wouldn't hit, kick or spit on you... but they might get snarky as all get-out and/or take out their feelings in other less desirable ways...

To a friend who is having a tough time, I say stuff like, "You're having a tough go of it, huh? Is there anything I can do?" or "Wanna come over and have some dinner and chill out tonight? You seem like you might need to get away..." To our children, this kindess is imperative... they have even less control than our peers, and much less understanding of what they're trying to process. It might be that jr. is throwing things, hitting, sticking his toungue out, yelling, etc... we might sometimes start by asking ourselves what are some things that happened today that might be aggravating him? What kind of time have you had together, what have you observerd? What has he eaten, has he been really active and now might be over-tired? Noise sensitivity? We can play detective all day and never nail it. And all the while he's having a crazed rant.

Another response might just simply be to get out a snack tray and sit down with some healthy snacks and say, "Do you want to have some and hang out for a minute? Maybe we can talk afterward about what has you so upset..." Or else something like "I'd like to get out of the house for a bit, how about you? Let's get some fresh air and then talk about a solution for your problem." Or "You seem really angry... Can I help at all?" The child may not know what's up any more than you do, but sometime just being a peer, just being an available and comforting presence helps.
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#256 of 270 Old 08-13-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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I would love to join you!
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#257 of 270 Old 08-13-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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I need to be a new mama. I am so tired of yelling and threatening. just tonight while the othe kids were getiing ready DSD2 was playing. she is lawys so slow, and refusing to do stuff. she made her sister late to school last year alot. I am afraid she will do it again. DSD1 is in kindergarten this year so she has to be on time. I cant seem to get DSD2 to want to do anything. even if i try to make it fun she will resist. very resistant to anything even eating. it is so very frustrating. the other kids get mad at her because she makes them late for everything, no matter how early i start getting everybody ready. i really need some help with her. i need her to help with her. she is a sagittarius

Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
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#258 of 270 Old 08-14-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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Sagittarian children (generally) aren't as emotionally motivated... if she knows something makes you sad, it won't necessarily deter her... if she has experienced natural consequences, she can make an informed decision about her actions, but typically they (we) are very concrete sequential... gotta learn from experience, advice doesn't cut it...

Try helping her to see logic...? Will post more later... got finals tomorrow.
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#259 of 270 Old 08-21-2008, 02:26 PM
 
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i'm in. i read this thread ages ago and i'm not sure if i posted but today i'm in. i had a terrible day and it ended so badly and i just feel so lousy. i think i'll go to bed. the boys are sleeping already and maybe i should be too.

the thing is i was so wanting my kids. i couldn't wait to meet them and to be there for them. i can't believe i don't treat them with that joy. i did a few times today but at the end of the day, it was terrible.

baby's awake...
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#260 of 270 Old 09-03-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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How is everyone doing? I have had great moments and not so great moments lately-still trying and celebrating the successes!

Today was a not a good day-and it was completely my fault- I was so stressed about something that I had absolutely no patience for dd1. I recognized it, cooled down and apologized to her for not treating her with respect.

Tomorrow is another day...
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#261 of 270 Old 09-03-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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We're actually doing really well. The book, how to raise a thiking child has helped immensely. The word games help me stay focused and help Dd participate this way I am not nearly as angry or lecturing....we're workign together.

I do still have my moments but I think some are OK like when DD ran directly from the car, across the sand and down into the ocean when she was specifically told not to run into the ocean by herself.

I did not yell at her but she was essentially punished. She had to walk back to the van with me and ride to the parking spot (we parked close so we could unload before parking) then she had to walk back to the beach with me...all the while I was lecturing her beach/ocean safety. she could have spent that time on the beach and in the ocean with DH.
I doubt she'll run off into the ocean unsupervised again.

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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#262 of 270 Old 09-03-2008, 11:47 PM
 
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I now have an 8 week old::And it is has been hard not to lose my temper with my now almost 4 year old.
It's going to get better. I just had a baby in March and 4 mos postpartum I found myself calmer and less inpatient with the toddler.
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#263 of 270 Old 09-04-2008, 05:38 AM
 
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Im having a particularly hard time the last week. My last prenatal appointment I found out there might be something wrong so I was told to stay off my feet and limit my activities until they could get me in with a specialist. Well, the first appointment the doctor who was doing the follow up had was 9 days away from the prenatal appointment. So, I have to stay off my feet for the most part until the 8th when I have the appointment and pray that its all a fluke and theres nothing wrong.

DD hasn't been too happy about the change. We usually go to the park 3-4 times a day (around 7am, noon and then again at 6.. sometimes at 2 as well if she doens't want to nap). When we aren't at the park we play a lot inside climbing around things, making forts, moving around the furniture (she thinks this is the funniest thing), cooking etc. Basically we are either always moving or reading books/coloring etc. Now Im not suppose to take her out to the park (its a walk from the house there) and I can't do a lot of our normal activities. I can tell she is really upset about it and she is acting out because she is upset. Like today, she wanted to climb around since I always let her.. However, I can't move around the sofa and chairs for her to climb over so she was trying to climb onto the computer, AC vent etc, all the areas she isn't suppose to. I would have to get up and get her down and she would scream and cry about it. She keeps going over to the front door and pounding on it. A few minutes ago DH took her out and before she left she brought me my shoes since she wants me to go too.. It broke my heart seeing her little face when I told her no. She of course didn't take it too well , threw herself on the floor and started to cry.
I know everything she is doing is cause she isnt' getting as much mommy interaction as she is use too, but its really getting hard to deal with.. She has been constantly crying for the past 4 days, screaming her head off every time I won't play, getting into things etc.. The crying is going to drive me batty by itself and its getting really hard not to lose my temper with her..

Sorry, had to vent a little.. Im feeling particularly low right now. I want to be a good mom to both my unborn baby and my DD but I feel like Im having to choose between them right now.

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#264 of 270 Old 09-04-2008, 10:28 AM
 
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I don't have time to read through this thread but I'd like to join. I feel like I have a split personality as a mom. My good side is patient, creative, singing all the time, making up stories, co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, giving my 3 yo good food and leaving her a lot of room to be creative without yelling about her using all the cloth napkins in the house to make a curtain for her bed . But then there is the other side: the side that looses her temper when faced with defiance, yells, glares, grabs too hard, and actually wants to hit her 3 yo (thankfully, I have a smidgen of control and don't actually smack her), then sometimes I cry and its clear that the grown up is not in charge and its not fair. I apologize for my behavior which is appropriate but I shouldn't have so many things to apologize for.

I don't have a lot of real life role models. Both my SIL's who I see often are nasty to their kids. We went on a family vacation and my SIL's actions made me think what I don't want to be like and I realize that I sometimes am. Funny how its much easier to see the kids point of view as an observer. I try to keep my dd's point of view in mind but its hard when I let her push my buttons. Anyway, I'm rambling. Hopefully will find time to read at least some of this thread. I need to be held accountable for my actions.
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#265 of 270 Old 09-04-2008, 10:27 PM
 
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I'm joining this thread too. Need to read to catch up, but glad to be here for support.

Alison
Mama to Toad (08/06), Frog (01/09)... and new baby Newt born on his due date, Sep. 8, 2010
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#266 of 270 Old 09-05-2008, 07:50 AM
 
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I'm with you - today it ends.

With my just-turned-3-year-old, it's aggression. How can I expect him to not be aggressive when I yell and I'm aggressive?

My DH says that I sometimes look like Sully in Monsters, Inc - the part where he scares Boo and then sees his scary face on the monitor. And that it scares DS.

And I've always had a problem with handling DS roughly. Not hitting, though lately I'm having the impulse. Just generally yanking him around.

Is it any wonder that hitting and yelling are the two problems we're having with DS right now?

I hope we can turn it around. Someone tell me it's not too late to fix things.
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#267 of 270 Old 09-06-2008, 12:11 PM
 
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I'm with you - today it ends.

With my just-turned-3-year-old, it's aggression. How can I expect him to not be aggressive when I yell and I'm aggressive?
I got on here a while ago, wandered off, and need to return - I'm with you, Jaxoms mommy - just loosing control - on the edge, don't want to go any further. The very behaviors I want to stop are just youthful and underdeveloped exaggerations of my own immature reactions to frustration. I'm reading bit by bit - a couple of the books off of the reading list, but need help at disengaging and STOPPING my own aggression in the moment.

I have a 2yr-10 month old that hits, grabs, kicks.. I"m at my wit's end.
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#268 of 270 Old 09-06-2008, 01:47 PM
 
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Come join us on the "Parenting & Rage" thread. A lot of btdt stories and suggestions for self-care. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

Start on the last page...


Pat

I have a blog.
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#269 of 270 Old 09-06-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by berkeleyp View Post
I don't have time to read through this thread but I'd like to join. I feel like I have a split personality as a mom. My good side is patient, creative, singing all the time, making up stories, co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, giving my 3 yo good food and leaving her a lot of room to be creative without yelling about her using all the cloth napkins in the house to make a curtain for her bed . But then there is the other side: the side that looses her temper when faced with defiance, yells, glares, grabs too hard, and actually wants to hit her 3 yo (thankfully, I have a smidgen of control and don't actually smack her), then sometimes I cry and its clear that the grown up is not in charge and its not fair. I apologize for my behavior which is appropriate but I shouldn't have so many things to apologize for.
This is me, too, exactly. We've had a lot of bad days around here lately.

Mommy to two boys, ages 4 and 6.

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#270 of 270 Old 09-25-2008, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am just not the kind of mama I want to be. I feel like it's impossible to be that mama, but then I think about how ridiculously POSSIBLE it really is, how I could just do it if I wanted to badly enough, and that makes me feel even worse.

I fear my children are going to grow up to hate me.

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