"I would spank you if you were my child!" - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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#181 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 08:03 PM
 
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Quite frankly I see a lot of new mamas with only one young child blasting the OP. Forgive me for stating the obvious that you are a bit inexperienced when it comes to the trials of parenthood. You need to have another kid or two and walk a few miles in the OP's shoes and then come back and tell us how great your kids get along and how well behaved they are. Helping your kids to negotiate sibling and other social relationships is a skill that is honed over a length of time and it is one that is diffficult to obtain. I have a 14 yo and a 7 yo and they still tax my patience and abilities at times.
As a mama of one young child- I agree with you! Only because I spent years as a preschool teacher, nanny, daycare worker, and got to be exposed to different behaviors in different age ranges before having one of my own. Four year olds have a pretty wide range of development, some are more like toddlers, some are more like kindergarteners (especially only children tend to be less into the hitting thing, from what I've experienced, the more siblings, the more hitting!) I agree that it needs to be made clear to the offending child that hitting is completely unacceptable- and by that token, the 18 month old should have been reprimanded in an age appropriate way as well. My DD went through one of the worst hitting/biting phases I have ever dealt with in a child (she has SN)- I was getting beaten every day on a regular basis, eyes gouged, had bruises all over, and DD is from a VERY non-violent, gentle home where she has never witnessed hitting, let alone been hit. It is very often not a reflection on parenting skills at all, but the fact that children, like all humans of all ages, have their own personalities, emotional and mental development. Shaming a child (evidenced by the head down) is never okay. Adults need to remain calm and consistent rather than explosive and threatening.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#182 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 10:09 PM
 
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Wow... this thread... is just well wow (and not in a good way, except I learned the word snarkalicious!)

I am the momma to 4 boys and 1 girl ages 12, 10, 8, 3, and 2. My now 8 year old (when around 6) hit his siblings when he got angry or irritated with them. We worked through it. He found his voice and stopped using his hands. He is my most sensitive child and unfortunately had a hard time expressing things in the appropriate manner. He is now 8, and completely beyond his hitting phase.

I have had other kids hit my children before and I have yet to freak out and go "momma bear". But an adult threatening to spank my child would put me over the top.

(And for the record so far none of my children are deliquent bullies that are victimizing other children. I am often complimented on how well my children problem solve and how kind they are)

OP I LOVE the art project idea!
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#183 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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Just for the record, the lady did not threaten to spank him.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#184 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 10:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
Just for the record, the lady did not threaten to spank him.
To me saying "if you were mine I would spank you" is very threatening. While it is not the same as an actual threat I would agree. My BIL once told my oldest son that "he needed his ass whipped" I took that very much as a threat towards my child. And if some one told my children that "if you were mine I would spank you..." they would indeed feel fear.
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#185 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 10:39 PM
 
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Personally, I might consider forgiving her if she apologized. I would not let her ever babysit again, but I might forgive her.

However, she obviously feels that her behavior was appropriate. That means she could do it again. Therefore -- I think that you can welcome wonderful new friends in your life who will be much more compatible with your beliefs.
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#186 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kessed View Post
Since hitting is something I think is completely unacceptable - I would pull out the big guns EVERY TIME my child hit. What that is will depend on the child and the family. Hitting is about the only thing we plan to use time-outs for. Because IMO if a 4yo hits another child then they aren't ready to be part of things. And if a 4yo had a serious consequence each and every single time they hit someone - they will stop pretty quickly.

I guess "hitting" is something that I would take VERY seriously - and I wouldn't subject other people's children to my child is she was a know "hitter". And that's what you say your DS is. He could actually hurt an 18mo with the size difference.

Hitting isn't OK. It's not OK for a parent to hit their child. And it's not OK for a child to hit someone else.

So I would say to do whatever will work for him to STOP the behavior immediately.

I'm all for "working on" good manners, and helping out around the house. But hitting is serious. And it's not OK.

Not that I disagree that hitting is unacceptable, but I had the same exact attitude and expectations of myself and my child until he turned 20 months. If your child is a "hitter" and you plan to use "time-outs" every time she hits, you are on the road to a lot of power struggle, tears, pain and isolations.
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#187 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by To-Fu View Post
I'm sure someone else has already said this, but isn't it pretty counterintuitive to hit someone in order to teach them not to hit someone?
No - but it needs to be repeated.
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#188 of 194 Old 05-25-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I honestly don't know a single four year old who hits. I know many, many four year olds, and have one myself.

It's hard to accept that it's just a coincidence that the folks with the hitting four year olds are the same ones arguing that the kids can't help it and that it's inappropriate to act firmly with them when they hit.
I know more then one 4 year old that hit. Not often, but still. My 5 year old nephew still hits. But his mother and father just went thru a bitter divorce.
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#189 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 01:22 AM
 
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I think this thread is making me scared to post here in the future. It's like a soap opera! Or high school!
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#190 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 02:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by nataliebassoon View Post
:

I think this thread is making me scared to post here in the future. It's like a soap opera! Or high school!


I came here to post because I really felt like my dealings with my friend was becoming very high school like...little did I know it would be the same experience here. It is disapointing.

At least I have gotten a few good ideas...
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#191 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 02:46 AM
 
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This is the first multi-page thread I've read in its entirety since I joined. I have to say I am so saddened and turned off. I will NEVER post in this forum about any problems I have with my child, because I see what a hostile and angry environment it is. If this had been my topic, I would be in tears and probably never visit again.

Not only that, but I am inferring by the OP's comments that this happens often on this board, that this board is well known for being so prickly? I found this board through Mothering magazine, which I love, and I'm so shocked.

I mean, come on people, we're all on the same team here! Why are we attacking each other over posts that are so easy to misunderstand? No, why are people being ALLOWED to write such sarcastic, mean-spirited, and obviously unkind things? Are there no moderators?

I feel so dejected because I thought I had found a community of like-minded parents, but instead I found a bunch of people practically name-calling over the interpretation of what someone's friend said! Wow, so disappointing.
Sometimes, there's a person who comes to the board that just seems to get a thrill out of messing up threads until they get shut down. There will be a pattern that as soon as you see a certain name on a thread, it's a sure sign that it's going to get shut down. It sucks, but it happens. Luckily, those people seem to get banned or bored quickly enough. If you look at the general pattern of this thread, you'll see a lot of support. And it's moderated. You can always ask a moderator to pull your thread if the thread has gone crazy.

And what bothers me most is that people still engage the disruptive person. As if it's going to somehow enlighten them.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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#192 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 08:16 AM
 
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I've shunned this place too in the past, but it's good to keep in mind that the few people who seem most judgmental do NOT speak for the majority.

I agree with time outs not working with a chronic hitter. I am NOT anti-time out. But with my son we would have been doing them a lot, and they really made it worse. Also sometimes it's hard to hover over them if you have other kids, but I agree with close supervision.

I never really did find the secret but had the most success when I was firm and but did not get angry (ooh that was hard when he was hitting his baby brother).

I would probably not be friends with this person anymore, esp. after that email!
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#193 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 09:57 AM
 
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Honestly, Kessed, you are speaking from a place of no experience. You have one child who is 18 months old. You have great theories of how you would nip this behavior in the bud if your child were to start, but in reality, if you were faced with a child who started hitting and didn't stop right away, you really have no clue what you would do. And I hope your child is not like that because I can tell you (and the OP has told us) that it's no picnic. It sucks to have a child who is hitting, or in my case pushing, a younger sibling over and over again. For months. For years. No. Matter. What. You. Do. It sucks.

And you know what, Kessed? Not all bad behavior is due to parenting, discipline, or lack thereof, as you wholeheartedly believe right now. Of course that's what you believe. You have one 18 month old child. You have it easy, mama. And I do hope that it continues that way for you.

But some children cannot control their impulses. And it has nothing to do with parenting. My oldest pushes. He's done it for about 3 years, and he cannot control it. He has to push. I recently discovered that he has sensory processing issues. (Good god, there's a reason why he pushes! What a relief . . . and poor boy for getting into trouble for something he couldn't control.) There are physical "exercises" I can do now with him to fulfill his sensory needs so he will no longer have the need to push. But his pushing--which has been years of frustration, lots of discipline, big reactions, small reactions, every tactic we could think of, and from the start a very clear message that pushing is not okay, not ever okay, and times of incredible rage at his behavior--has nothing to do with my parenting. You, from your point of view on this thread, would undoubtedly condemn me as a terrible parent who obviously is not concerned that my child is hurting other children because this behavior lasted more that a couple of weeks. You would assume that I have done nothing about it. And you would be entirely wrong. As you are about the OP.

You have great ideals, Kessed, ideals that we all share that hitting is not okay no matter what, but you are out of the realm of your knowledge and experience here. Some children cannot control their impulses. Some learn to control it quite quickly. Some take a long time. Some can't do it at all. Each child develops at his or her own rate. You can't speed that up, no matter how much you dislike or disapprove of any behavior.
Yes, yes and YES! I soooo agree with all of this. And since I am the mama of a seven year old boy with SID, anxiety and maybe other things too, I KNOW this to be true.

I am truly and honestly shocked by some of the posts in this thread. How sad that grown women get all bent out of shape over a 4 YO old hitting, and then the same women spew out verbal violence over and over again. Shocking and really sad.


Oooh, and here in Norway we must be really lousy parents, all of us. Cause EVERY parentingbook here will state that it is perfectly normal and ageappropriate for a child to hit. And not just for babies, but for children all the way up to older than 4 years old, that`s for sure. Does that mean that every Norwegian child hits? No. But it is considered pretty normal and something that is a part of growing up.

*Single, attached Norwegian mama to my LoveBug, 2001*
 
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#194 of 194 Old 05-26-2008, 10:46 AM
 
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The comments are too personal in some posts and need cleaning up before we can re-open for discussion.

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
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