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#1 of 140 Old 06-25-2008, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Anybody else with this type of personality child. The descriptive title of the book said it all to me, "The easily frustrated and chronically inflexible child." I immediate said, "I NEED this book" I think I need some buddies too. http://www.explosivechild.com/

I just ordered the book. I think we already do a lot of stuff in the book but I haven't gotten to read it yet. I would love to connect with other mama's trying to gently parent these kiddos. Actually, I think GD is the only way to parent these kids or you'd be beating the crap of them.

This AM DS woke and was about to have a meltdown before I had to leave for work and he said, "Just lay down and go to sleep with me. Mama set your timer for 5 min." I set my timer for 5 min. It went off and he said, "Ok mama you can go."

I think DS is actually pretty mild but still very challenging and difficult at times.
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#2 of 140 Old 06-25-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Excellent book. My explosive child just turned 9. I wish I had read it when she was much younger, but it has been amazing to watch the transformation. Plan B really does work. Good luck.
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#3 of 140 Old 06-25-2008, 09:07 PM
 
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OH my!!! Me! Me! I am going crazy. I think I need this book. Badly. Especially after tonight :frown
We are very GD, but ds is losing it. All.the.time. And becoming violent and explosive and even more frustrated. And extremely inflexible. Not flexible at all. Freaks out over the smallest things. Ah!

Granted....we just moved across the country and a lot of new stuff going on. But...well, this book is just him. Sigh.

Jessica, wife to Mark, homeschooling mama to Micah (2006), Noah (2009), Owen (2012) and another on the way this August (20014)
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#4 of 140 Old 06-25-2008, 09:28 PM
 
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hmmmm...maybe it's a little early for this. Are ALL two year olds this way? I don't know..he's my first, but he sure doesn't seem to act like any other kids sometimes and he's a handfull, highspirited, high needs for sure.

Jessica, wife to Mark, homeschooling mama to Micah (2006), Noah (2009), Owen (2012) and another on the way this August (20014)
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#5 of 140 Old 06-25-2008, 10:34 PM
 
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Great book! My DSD has early onset bipolar disorder. I absolutely agree that GD is the only way to deal with this type of child. I believe anything else will make it worse.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#6 of 140 Old 06-26-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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hmmm.... interesting. ds (6) would definitely be on the mild end of the spectrum yet i do recognize some of these behaviors in him for sure.... would any of you mamas be willing to share a few ideas that have worked for you? i read the excerpt from the book on the site and am interested to hear more about his approach. thanks....
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#7 of 140 Old 06-26-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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The thing that resounded the loudest for me was that kids do well IF they can. It wasn't my parenting for better or worse that made my kid like this and when she could do better she would. I don't want to paraphrase him too much but he relies heavily on Plan B. Plan A being authoriatrian and Plan C being permissive. Plan B is figuring out a problem and each side coming to doable solutions. It is much more than that obviously. This is a well worth it read. It works wonders for my explosive kid and for the others that are not so explosive.
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#8 of 140 Old 06-26-2008, 06:48 PM
 
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i read the book and i thought it was great.
i read it when my ds was only 2 years old, but now that he is 3, he is becoming more and more explosive. i think i need to reread the book to refresh my memory.
Does anyone have an experience whether or not plan B works for toddlers his age??
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#9 of 140 Old 06-27-2008, 10:04 AM
 
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According to the authors, a child needs the skills of a typically developing 3 year old in order for Plan B to work well.
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#10 of 140 Old 06-27-2008, 01:34 PM
 
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this idea is really eye-opening for me. this morning ds (6 yo) replied enthusiastically to my questions about what for breakfast with his whole specific plan of how he likes breakfast these days (toast, butter, jam, runny egg yolk from fried egg on top of that, and then scrambled egg on top of that!) and i set about making it (we make scrambled and fried anyhow, so no trouble) but for one reason and another didn't get the eggs right so the fried fell apart and ds quickly despaired and before i could offer problem-solving ideas began a full blown tantrum with yelling crying and kicking and screaming.... i just tried to remain present and calm and tell him i was glad to try to work it out when he was ready that i had a few ideas, and after a few minutes we did.... dh even didn't intervene, just closed the door to the room ds eventually landed in and said something half sarcastically to me (ds couldn't hear) about letting him have his feelings (any ideas to get dh a little more on my page?).... i wonder if my approach helped toward quicker equilibrium? anyhow, sorry to ramble on, but does this sound like an explosive child kind of thing?
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#11 of 140 Old 06-27-2008, 01:36 PM
 
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I'm really glad to see this post. I'm off to the library to see if they carry this book. I'll be back.


BTW, this thread may be a sign, ds spent the entire 2 days crying.

: Mama to ds (5) and dd (3) and .
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#12 of 140 Old 06-27-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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how funny that we have had a most explosive day after being exposed to these ideas. evening was way worse than breakfast. i'm really interested to hear other people's experiences and ideas/methods. i find myself staying calm to a point and then feeling really angry and like ds is spoiled/anal/inconsiderate. how do you avoid this? or, inochizo, what did you have in mind for the thread....?
ETA: i do want to get the book, too....
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#13 of 140 Old 06-28-2008, 11:06 PM
 
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need to read this book.

subbing
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#14 of 140 Old 06-28-2008, 11:14 PM
 
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i highly recommend the yahoo consensual living group.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." -- Mary Olivercoolshine.gif

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#15 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 01:00 PM
 
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I keep meaning to get this book. Looks like my trip to the library needs to happen this week.
Wendi
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#16 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 02:42 PM
 
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OT: wendi, i love the smilies you picked for your kids.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." -- Mary Olivercoolshine.gif

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#17 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 05:37 PM
 
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Has anyone viewed the DVD?
It looks interesting. . .but $56?
It's definately worth it if it is as good as you all say it is.

Happy Wife & Mama to 1 boy 12/6/05
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#18 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 05:43 PM
 
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What age would you say this is for?

Happy Wife & Mama to 1 boy 12/6/05
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#19 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 05:43 PM
 
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Honeybee ~ Thanks! They seemed appropriate.

I need a book called the Explosive Parent today.

Wendi
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#20 of 140 Old 06-29-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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What age would you say this is for?
all ages. applied to my son when he was 18 months old.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." -- Mary Olivercoolshine.gif

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#21 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 07:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Holy crap! I forgot to sub and now the thread is outta control!

I just finished The Explosive Child. It was so good. Now I just gotta get DH on board. He is the main caregiver and he has already said, "I am so tired of this basket stuff." AHHHH! I just want to scream. I am soooo tired of tantrums and anger from DS.
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#22 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 07:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by honeysesame View Post
this idea is really eye-opening for me. this morning ds (6 yo) replied enthusiastically to my questions about what for breakfast with his whole specific plan of how he likes breakfast these days (toast, butter, jam, runny egg yolk from fried egg on top of that, and then scrambled egg on top of that!) and i set about making it (we make scrambled and fried anyhow, so no trouble) but for one reason and another didn't get the eggs right so the fried fell apart and ds quickly despaired and before i could offer problem-solving ideas began a full blown tantrum with yelling crying and kicking and screaming.... i just tried to remain present and calm and tell him i was glad to try to work it out when he was ready that i had a few ideas, and after a few minutes we did.... dh even didn't intervene, just closed the door to the room ds eventually landed in and said something half sarcastically to me (ds couldn't hear) about letting him have his feelings (any ideas to get dh a little more on my page?).... i wonder if my approach helped toward quicker equilibrium? anyhow, sorry to ramble on, but does this sound like an explosive child kind of thing?
Oh yeah! That's it!

DS is much like this only less severe. He becoming more flexible and tolerant.

I do think many 2 yr are basically "The Explosive Child" I think when it starts to extend to 3 and 4 yr then you can truely see the personality. My DD is explosive but she calms quickly and adjusts easily. She also has a much better emotional intelligence. The book talks a lot about other diagnoses that often are mistaken or accompany this type of kiddo.

Basket A - Things worth a meltdown - Usually safety only and still may be Basket B in our house if possible

Basket B - Important but nogotiable. Teach your child to find something in the middle before "vapor lock"

Basket C - Things you can let go of

Before this book we were just doing Basket A and C and mostly C because the tantrums could last 15-30 min especially in the evening. But with Basket B you can teach your child to negotiate and work on the "Collaborative Problem solving"

I think any child even if they are not Explosive would benefit from this teaching especially at young age.

I just want to connect with others and hear how everyone is managing.
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#23 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 09:28 PM
 
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My 4yo has been and is explosive also. The hardest is bedtime. He's always given us a hard time about going to bed, and even though I'd like to put it in Basket A, if a meltdown occurs right before bed, he won't go to sleep for at least an hour. And if I do a Basket C, then he would ask to read books after books, and he would eventually get overtired and get second wind. There's no putting him to bed when that happens either. We've been trying Basket B, but sometimes he's just non-negotiable. We then resort to a car ride...

We're also doing a chart, but he would say "I didn't want it anyway!" Arrggg... What do you do w/ such a strong-willed child?

~Katie
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#24 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 09:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What behavior does your DC have that makes YOU want to explode?
What other diagnoses or other behaviors have you noticed?

My DS's violence makes me so mad. I have such a hard time with this. For example, DS likes to bite DD. He generally bites fairly gently but sometimes harder. I am actually sometimes amazed at his ability to control himself. He gets really mad sometimes and doesn't hit at all but all bets are off the DD does something he does like. However, if I start to show any anger at his behavior he will start to bite more and harder. He started doing this with yelling in my ear too. Sometimes I feel I am raising a sociopath. He likes to wave knives around. He's destroyed multiple things. The knife thing was mainly from watching Peter Pan and Captain Hook fights. I am also really trying to get DH to limit TV watching because it seems to excerbate some of issues.

I think DS has ADD/ADHD, poor social and emotion skills, and poor transitioning skills. He has some ODD tendancies but not too bad. He may have some general anxiety that he is not able to fully express.
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#25 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My 4yo has been and is explosive also. The hardest is bedtime. He's always given us a hard time about going to bed, and even though I'd like to put it in Basket A, if a meltdown occurs right before bed, he won't go to sleep for at least an hour. And if I do a Basket C, then he would ask to read books after books, and he would eventually get overtired and get second wind. There's no putting him to bed when that happens either. We've been trying Basket B, but sometimes he's just non-negotiable. We then resort to a car ride...

We're also doing a chart, but he would say "I didn't want it anyway!" Arrggg... What do you do w/ such a strong-willed child?

Oh yeah! Bed is a huge issue for us too. See HERE I am trying to keep it in Basket A with lots of routine and quiet time. My DS will not just sit and read unless we hold him. Timers have been really great for us. DS will now say, "Set the timer, Mama."
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#26 of 140 Old 07-15-2008, 10:17 PM
 
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Wow, Zoe... I think I had a twin son and didn't know it!! He is pretty much to the tee as your DS about going to bed.

I have The Floppy Sleep Game CD, and he liked it enough that he would request it. But that's only when he's willing to lay down... and he usually winds up rolling around in bed, not doing anything that the CD says to do, and he won't lay still to listen to the story. And he stays up to listen to the whole thing, so anything w/ words are out of the picture now. I'm usually half asleep by the first few minutes... LOL. I haven't read the book, but I've tried telling him to lay still, relax, close his eyes, etc but he just wouldn't do it. He fights every chance he gets.

He has a Sensory Processing Disorder which makes it a bit harder for him to fall asleep. I've been meaning to make a weighted blanket for him - I've heard good things about it - the weight or pressure on the joints relaxes and calms them down. Even a tight bear hug. You might want to check this SPD symptom list to see if anything fits your DS. Mine has been in occupational therapy for 3 months, and I started noticing improvements.

I also think he'll wind up w/ ADHD and bipolar II like myself (just recently diagnosed). I have inattentive ADHD, not hyperactive, and DS is not too hyper. But my brain is super hyperactive, and I can tell DS's is too. It's so hard to shut down his brain at night. Bath, books, CDs w/ words, and anything before bed is stimulating to him and will just keep him awake.

And if he would just stop moving, he would fall asleep... I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't need me in his bed. I'm a SAHM, so I feel the need to get stuff done after he goes to sleep, so I'm anxious for him to fall asleep, and that doesn't help either. After about 45 min of laying down in bed w/ him, I start to get frustrated. I'm also an explosive adult also, which is getting better w/ medication...

I see a psychologist, and we talk about my DS a lot. His temperment makes him believe that he could have bipolar also, so we started going to a social worker (much like a child pshychologist w/ no degree). She's going to start play therapy w/ him. She's the one that recommended The Explosive Child book. I'll have to try Rescue Remedy, Calme Forte, etc. w/ him.

~Katie
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#27 of 140 Old 07-16-2008, 10:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by InochiZo View Post
Oh yeah! Bed is a huge issue for us too. See HERE I am trying to keep it in Basket A with lots of routine and quiet time. My DS will not just sit and read unless we hold him. Timers have been really great for us. DS will now say, "Set the timer, Mama."
For you and the other poster who mentioned bedtime struggles:

Just wanted to share my experience with an explosive child who *needs* a regular bedtime and consistent, quality sleep. We found that it actually helped to make bedtime a Plan B issue-one to work together on (the latest version of the book talks about "plans" rather than "baskets," and imo is a better, more clear description of the collaborative problem solving approach). Our approach wasn't to sit down and say "what time would you like to go to bed?" but rather "what would help you feel relaxed and fall asleep more easily?" And then lots of experimenting, working with our child to help her transition to sleep more easily.

It was like this:
me: I've noticed that going to sleep is kind of tough for you. what's up?
dc: I don't know.
me: It seems like it's kind of hard for you to relax at night. Is that right?
dc: kind of.
me: I've also noticed that you get up a lot to tell me you're scared.
dc: yeah
me: So it seems like you feel scared at night, and that might be part of why it's hard to relax. Is that right?
dc: yeah.
me: And sometimes you say you just don't want to go to sleep. Can you tell me about that?
dc: I don't know. I just don't like to sleep.
me: I hear you. You don't like to sleep. And sometimes you feel scared at night, and it's hard for you to relax. Is that right? <insert hugs>
me: Here's the thing: I think it's really important for you to fall asleep earlier. When you stay awake late, you're very cranky the next day. I wonder if we we can find ways of helping you relax so that you can fall asleep better, so that bedtime is more enjoyable for you and so that you can feel better during the day. What do you think? Have any ideas?
dc: I don't know.
me: well, what if we try some special relaxation stories?
dc: okay

And so on. Totally Plan B. Her concern: doesn't like falling asleep because she's scared and has trouble relaxing. My concern: she gets cranky and difficult to live with without enough good quality sleep. We found a solution that addressed both concerns, no Plan A necessary. We made several attempts at problem-solving until we found a combination that worked. And one thing we did try and agree on was an earlier bedtime (which helped-it gave us more time to help her relax before I got impatient, and gave her more time to relax while still falling asleep at a reasonable time).

An excellent book that helped us was Sleepless In America, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, which has a lot of great information and ideas for helping kids "flip the switch" to sleep.

One thing Dr. Green said at a workshop, that he really emphasized, was that the more important the issue, the more it needs to be addressed by Plan B. Plan A is for those times when you do not have time to engage in Plan B: your kid is about to run into the street, for example. But to find a truly durable solution, eventually you'll need to use Plan B proactively. And Plan B works best as a proactive measure, problem-solving that begins before you're in the midst of a problem. Once a it's already bedtime, for example, you're now using emergency (rather than proactive) Plan B. Emergency Plan B can work, but you'll have more success the more proactive you are. And remember, it usually takes a couple (or a few) tries to find a solution that really works long-term. If your first solution doesn't work, that doesn't mean Plan B doesn't work. It just means that now you have more information to help you find another solution.
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#28 of 140 Old 07-16-2008, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It was like this:
me: I've noticed that going to sleep is kind of tough for you. what's up?
dc: I don't know.
me: It seems like it's kind of hard for you to relax at night. Is that right?
dc: kind of.
me: I've also noticed that you get up a lot to tell me you're scared.
dc: yeah
me: So it seems like you feel scared at night, and that might be part of why it's hard to relax. Is that right?
dc: yeah.
me: And sometimes you say you just don't want to go to sleep. Can you tell me about that?
dc: I don't know. I just don't like to sleep.
me: I hear you. You don't like to sleep. And sometimes you feel scared at night, and it's hard for you to relax. Is that right? <insert hugs>
me: Here's the thing: I think it's really important for you to fall asleep earlier. When you stay awake late, you're very cranky the next day. I wonder if we we can find ways of helping you relax so that you can fall asleep better, so that bedtime is more enjoyable for you and so that you can feel better during the day. What do you think? Have any ideas?
dc: I don't know.
me: well, what if we try some special relaxation stories?
dc: okay

An excellent book that helped us was Sleepless In America, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, which has a lot of great information and ideas for helping kids "flip the switch" to sleep.

If your first solution doesn't work, that doesn't mean Plan B doesn't work. It just means that now you have more information to help you find another solution.
How old was your dc? I definately don't want to do Plan with A and have not had any meltdowns around bedtime in the last few weeks. I have decided that the routine is key and that we need to try to be home and relaxing most evenings with only the rare exception.
I will try talking to DS, which I doubt will help. He knows he needs to sleep, because we've talked a lot about why sleep is important. He knows that a back rub will help him relax but refuses it because he doesn't want to sleep. I will try more collaboration, though. I hope it helps. He seems to be enjoying the idea of solving problems together. His problem solving is actually quite good. He can find any way to escape the house that he wants.

Thanks for the suggestions!!!
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#29 of 140 Old 07-16-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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Well, we really got into Plan B when my dd was about 7?? So she was older.

However, we did bedtime Plan B with my littlest one when she was 3. That involved a lot less talking. Sometimes we'd talk through the problem solving, other times we'd just try stuff (in a "would you like to try a backrub tonight?" kind of way). And with her at age 3, going to bed earlier was key because it was when she was overtired that she refused to go to bed. When we moved her bedtime, we didn't even say anything, we just shifted our routine so that it started earlier.

I did find that with my two kids who resisted bedtime, once we experimented enough to find a few reliable ways to help them relax and to make bedtime pleasant and relaxed, they actually stopped resisting bedtime and began to ask to go to bed. They began to view it as something pleasant rather than something to resist. It took time, though, and a committment to being patient and present, and a lot of creativity. But it has brought a lasting, durable improvement.

Oh, and books on CD and CD's of nature sounds are popular for relaxing here. Also, there are some free children's meditations (that even my 4 year old likes) that you can download from iTunes.

Anyway, I'm rambling on and you haven't actually been having bedtime meltdowns. So I'll stop now. I just remember how hard it used to be for us.

Quote:
His problem solving is actually quite good. He can find any way to escape the house that he wants.
I'm sure it isn't funny when it happens, but That's a creative, determined child. Qualities that can serve a person well in life.
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#30 of 140 Old 07-16-2008, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sledg View Post
Anyway, I'm rambling on and you haven't actually been having bedtime meltdowns. So I'll stop now. I just remember how hard it used to be for us.


I'm sure it isn't funny when it happens, but That's a creative, determined child. Qualities that can serve a person well in life.
We have been using white noise of the ocean for several years now. I love it. It blocks out a lot of external noises.

I am on the verge of a meltdown about everyother night and so is he so these ideas are still very helpful. His stalling drives me crazy.

He can open the window and climb on to the hose holder, breaks open the kid proof door handle covers with his wooden sword, and uses a chair to reach the latch pull on the 6' foot fence. If he really wants, my attention he crosses the street and climbs the little maple tree across the street. Mostly he just turns on the water and plays with that or climbs all on top of the car. I can't believe that we've had to make most of this plan c issues. Except the street, which I trying to teach him to watch for cars.
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