Please help 5 yo is a bully - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 09-18-2008, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My 5 yo DS is becoming a bully he is picking on the other kids in class. I have tried every thing with him and I am out of ideas. Please help, he is not paying attention in class and is starting to fall behind. I want to put a stop to this before it is to late for him to catch up and before all the kids do not want to be his friend.

: mom of Gavin Rhain and Grant, Doula
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#2 of 9 Old 09-18-2008, 12:45 PM
 
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I feel for you, my five y/o is exhibiting some of those tendencies, too. I don't know if you can just 'put a stop to it' right away. It's going to take time. Try to get a dialogue going, in a non blaming way, about what is going on in his head or his feelings when he's about to hurt someone. Maybe there's an underlying reason that you can find out and work through. It might take lots of gentle discussions to find out the root. Also, give him a solid, concrete plan of what to do the next time he feels like hitting.
Is this his first year in school? He could be reacting to a new and difficult environment. This is one reason I pulled my kids out of p.s., because my son's behavior started to seriously deteriorate after starting public school. Not to say that their behavior is perfect now, but I could tell that being in school was very stressful for him.
Good luck
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#3 of 9 Old 09-18-2008, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yes this is his first year in school. I sat down and TT him last night and this morning, and will continue to try to help him talk threw his feelings. Im just wondering if i am missing something.

: mom of Gavin Rhain and Grant, Doula
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#4 of 9 Old 09-18-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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If books help you I really recommend Coloroso's The Bully, the bullied and the bystander.
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#5 of 9 Old 09-25-2008, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by chfriend View Post
If books help you I really recommend Coloroso's The Bully, the bullied and the bystander.
I looked for this at the library and unfortunately none of the libraries in our system have this book.

DS is doing really well in class now but is ending up in the office everyday because of acting out on the playground. I was in tears today talking to his teacher trying to get her to keep him in the room during resses for a while ( to do favors for her, or do work) until he calms down. she did not think this was a good idea. Please help if you have any ideas.

: mom of Gavin Rhain and Grant, Doula
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#6 of 9 Old 09-25-2008, 03:14 PM
 
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Have you been out on the playground? I ask this because some times kids are so overwhelmed by the amount of area and amount of free time that they can become agressive especially if the rest of his day is very structured. He may just not know what to do outside at recess. Could you maybe brainstorm some games he can play? That way he can focus his energy when he goes outside. My ds just started K this year and he has a tough time on the playground from time to time. I asked him if he thought he could do everything on the structure (monkey bars,slides, swing etc) one time before the bell rings. He did it once but now he tends to get interrupted to play which of course was the goal. It just gave him a direction instead of a general go play.
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#7 of 9 Old 09-25-2008, 03:50 PM
 
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One thing I read about was role-playing, at home, situations where he is tempted to bully, if you can figure out what those are. For example if someone picks up a ball he was playing with, he might hit him or her for "stealing" it-- you can explain, "Maybe he or she didn't realize you were playing with it. What can you say?" and lead him to suggest a game together or something. Then you practice it.

I only read about that, DS is 18 months so we it hasn't been relevant but it sounded useful.
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#8 of 9 Old 09-25-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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Sometimes children bully because they feel inadequate in some fashion. If they can knock on other kids a little bit, it helps them displace frustration they actually feel toward themselves. Teasing and taunting becomes a way to self-soothe. I would gently probe him about his feelings toward himself with regard to school. Perhaps socializing is hard for him, and he feels unpopular. Perhaps the work is hard for him, and he feels that he is not smart.

I think asking the teacher to keep him in with her at recess is asking a LOT. It may be one of the few times throughout the day that she has for lunch and/or planning. It is very hard to be with a class teaching all day, and breaks are necessary for the sake of sanity. Also, she may be afraid that if she lets him make a habit of skipping recess, he may never learn to socialize well.

It is worth inquiring if there is a 3rd option -- maybe the counselor runs a lunch-bunch group, or a social skills group that meets during recess. Maybe someone needs to suggest such a thing! Maybe an administrator could find tasks for him to do in the office or library during recess.
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#9 of 9 Old 09-26-2008, 09:36 PM
 
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I am also wondering if it's possible to get him in for an evaluation with an OT. I know a child who tended to be aggressive when overwhelmed; turned out he had some sensory integration problems and weekly OT is helping him a LOT. It is covered on some insurance plans; not mine, sadly, though I think my DD could benefit. Someone at the school should be able to give you a referral, but if not keep looking for someone in the community who can help with this.

good luck, mama. I am especially impressed that you are being so proactive on this since it seems like the teacher doesn't have a lot of ideas for you.
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