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What to do when DH doesn't agree?

1K views 14 replies 9 participants last post by  burritomama 
#1 ·
I don't have much time to write as I have a houseful of ppl expected over and I am need to make dinner (fun) and shower, etc... but I am and have been crying all morning because of the emotional stress I am under concerning ds and the discipline thing. DH and ds are very much alike and they fight like crazy. DH thinks a good PINCH or SMACK will do nicely and he won't turn out messed up as an adult like he is...... I of course think otherwise! I am trying to break the hitting, smacking, yelling, degrating habits that I and dh were raised w/. so ds, who is 3, won't end up feeling worthless and have a low self esteem or take years forgiving us.

DH and I have discussed this many, many times and he says ok I will try to reason, try to redirect, etc but when it comes down to it he still pinches (thats his fav) this morning I got sick of it when he was trying to force ds to eat (when ds said he had a tummy ache) and pinched him to make him sit. (now before you go and dislike my dh - please remember this is what was done to him and old habits are hard to break) HIs reasons were that if he didn't eat he would act up - which he does but not this morning. I swear most of my emotional strength is zapped right out when I have to seperate these two... and by the way ds is highly spirited and so is dh which explains alot.

I just need some advice from you wonderful ladies on how to go about dealing with it.

I will write more later explaining the rest of the story later.

tia
 
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#3 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by pixie-n-hertwoboys

DH and I have discussed this many, many times and he says ok I will try to reason, try to redirect, etc but when it comes down to it he still pinches (thats his fav)

... and by the way ds is highly spirited and so is dh which explains alot.
I don't have any specific advice--except that you both read "Raising Your Spirited Child" (Kurcinka). She has lots of advice in there about the situation where both the child and the parent are spirited. Ds and dh may have the same "triggers", and that would explain why he makes bad parenting choices in certain situations.
((((hugs)))))
This would be a very difficult situation for me to deal with. HTH a little!
 
#4 ·
Maybe suggest that your child is at least worth the effort of researching/reading/learning/thinking about these things? It would be easier if he could hear from other "experts" and not just from you all the time, KWIM?

If you can't get him to read, maye suggest a parenting class for both of you, and then look for a good one?

I'll try not to judge your DH, but its making me teary thinking about your baby getting pinched!!!
 
#5 ·
LOL pinch my dh! I actually asked him that yesterday - if he liked to be pinched when he did something wrong. He never answered.....

We do have the raising your spirited child book and workbook - I read it to him and try to do the activities. But it hasn't sunk in yet. I think I'm going to download it to his pda so he can read it any time he wants (which he doesn't have much spare time)

I know ds drives him crazy because he sees himself and his own faults. DH has a very low self esteem (i'm sure because of the way he was raised) but I see his potential and he has changed even in the time I have been w/ him.... I told him yesterday that I don't want Izac to grow up to be like him; that I didn't want to treat him the way his mom treated him. He then says well the way your going about it might mess him up too. I said well at least he would have some respect for himself! Even if he is a mamas boy!!

grrrrr

I think at times I wish I had two lives - one w/ just dh and one w/ just my kids..... then I wouldn't have to worry about raising my kids the way I think is right.
 
#6 ·
"For Your Own Good" by Alice ******.

She talks a lot about how authoritarian punative childrearing methods hurt us. And she focuses on the fact that we repeat those methods with our own children because our parents and our culture have taught us to despise the part of ourselves that was "childish." So we feel compelled to punish the childishness in our children in an effort to improve ourselves.

The book produced some real lightbulb moments in my heart.
 
#7 ·
pixie -- I'm posting again with another book rec.

"Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso was the first book I read on respectful discipline, and it was the book that caused me to make a radical shift in my own thinking when my first child was 3 years old. Before that, I was actually fairly resistant to GD.

"Kids are Worth It" is very persuasive, direct, and compact.
 
#8 ·
I've had similar troubles with my husband over the whole corporal punishment issue but I am not ever backing down on it. I eventually told my husband that if he hurt our son I would leave him. That was a desperate measure but I was serious and below is what led me to say this.

He bit my son after being bitten by him (at 14 mo). My son started to cry after they were horsing around and I guessed what happened even though my husband at first didn't tell me. First of all, they were fooling around when dh bit him back so it was so stupid to think he was teaching him anything. And that's what it came down to, I asked dh "what are you teaching your son?" I was so furious and wouldn't let the topic drop until he was convinced. He said he was teaching him not to bite and I said and how's that? You are teaching him that it is ok for his adults to hurt him, period - That's all he is able to get out of this type of punishment.

I am so with you on how hard this is, because a lot of spouses think, well they turned out alright. Truth is my dh was beaten by his father and told by his mother that he deserved it because he was so bad. Now my husband thought that he didn't want ds to be as bad as him. It's such a vicious cycle.

But he has turned around on it, keep on him, don't give it up. Another thing I said to my dh was, "how would you like it if I slapped your face everytime you said something wrong or made a mistake?" At least an adult would understand what he was doing wrong, but the child does not even understand, they are just being hurt. Post that sentance on your fridge.

Hope he comes around soon for your child's sake.

Mary
 
#9 ·
Personally I think pinching is crossing the line into abuse. I think the same about spanking but a quick slap on the bum seems to be in a different category to me than pinching someone. What could he possibly think he's teaching him. This is just what "I" would do but I WOULD pinch dh every time he did something I didn't like and whenever he pinched my child. But he wouldn't get the opportunity to pinch my child because I would take my child away from him every time he tried and if he didn't stop I would take him away for good. Abuse in the name of discipline is still abuse. Coming from someone who grew up with that I would never allow it to happen to my own children. My DH pulled my sons hair once when he was two because DS pulled his hair and I slapped him..very hard (not in front of DS) and said to him if you ever do that again we are gone. Period. He never has.
 
#10 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by pixie-n-hertwoboys
I think at times I wish I had two lives - one w/ just dh and one w/ just my kids.....
It sounds like you have a great thing going as a couple...that should be good motivation for him to change his behavior. I would approach it this way:
Talk to him about how much your relationship means to you, how much you enjoy your marriage, etc.
Then, tell him how it makes you feel when he does this. (Angry? Untrusting? Resentful? Hurt? whatever you feel). Explain that these feelings are damaging to the relationship, and threaten the good thing that you have. Explain that you have these feelings because you have educated yourself about alternative methods of discipline, and feel that strongly about the issue.

In other words, since he has lingering doubts about GD vs corporal punishment, make it about the 2 of you right now....and not about discipline. Maybe that will be the motivation he needs to STOP! physically hurting ds right now. Attitude sometimes follows behavior, so just stopping may help open his mind (esp. if he sees son thriving without physical punishment). And if it doesn't, at least it will stop the physical manifestations of his attitudes while you work to change them in other ways (reading, lectures, friends, etc).
 
#11 ·
I don't know if this will be persuasive--but one important reason for dads not to use corporal punishment is that little children love their dads and imitate them. If dh wants his son to behave well, he has to model the behavior. Hitting will only teach the obvious: that Daddy is bigger. Your child already knows that. If Daddy pinches and smacks him, then he will pinch and smack other children.

Don't pinch your dh to get him to stop, he was already pinched and it didn't teach him anything. What Sunmama says makes so much sense to me.

It's also easier to be gentle, IMHO, if you aren't especially anxious about a particular behavior. Does your dh know that it's totally normal for toddlers not to be able to sit still for a long time to eat? If he has a realistic expectation, and also, knows that eventually, your son will develop the ability to sit still and eat, he won't lose his cool. If he knows that your son will turn out okay even if he can't eat a lot of food when he is three, then he won't feel like he has to FORCE the little three year old to sit and eat. Anxiety for children's welfare can make adults do some crazy things!
 
#12 ·
Even before I came on tonight to check this thread I was laying in bed nursing my 8 month old thinking that this is what was needed.... I need to sit and talk to dh and tell him how it makes ME feel when he does this to ds. How I've even concidered taking off w/ the kids because I don't want this kind of upbringing for them. I really do love this man - he and I work great in every way.... except discipline.

Oops gotta run hes coming and I don't want him to see this thread until after we've talked.
 
#13 ·
nak... just an update on dh. we had a huge long talk last night - both open for agreement and what it boiled down to is dh agreed not to pinch ds's anymore. he agreed to read anything that might help in alternative methods of helping our spirited ds - as long as he found it reasonable and not off the wall. i agreed to be stricter in what i let ds "get away with" and helping ds that some actions are not acceptable (sitting on the babies face for ex.) and there will be consequenses - not sure what but we'll figure that one out.
 
#14 ·
I'm glad that you were able to come to some resolution about this
I just had an additional thought on the matter, often people just resort back to the way they were raised even when they have the best of intentions because they don't know what else to do. Maybe when your dh does something you find harsh gently give him alternatives (or you could wait till later and give him pointers). If he has other methods to try maybe he won't just resort to harsh techniques in the heat of the moment.

Laurie
 
#15 ·
I just wanted to wish you well.

This sturggle is sooo important.

I second the recommendation of the ****** - For Your Own Good. Very powerful.

and I just wanted to add: those of us who were beaten and humiliated when we were children and "turned out okay" (WHATEVER that means) -- turned out that way not BECAUSE of the treatement we received but IN SPITE of it.

my 2 cents.

 
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