What should I do... I want to cry. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 11-13-2008, 03:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not sure what to do... I feel like I do not want to interact with my son.

It came to me yesterday, in the middle of the worse day in a while, that maybe the reason I am having so much trouble with my son is that he does not understand me, or anyone. As in you talk to him, and he just does not understand what it is you are telling him... the more I interact the more upset I get, and when I leave him to himself I end up with a house that should be condemned. I mean really, he pays NO mind when I am talking to him, will look right past me, or worse. When I try to touch his chin, arm, back, or ext. the whole things go right to flames.

Am I pushing my soon to be 3yo too much, or is there something off... how would one go about telling??
Is it me, I know I did not have the best "family life" growing up, am I putting this on to him?

How do I keep myself "in line" when dealing with him, and not fly off the handles... when he’s, looking at me and telling me something that has nothing to do with what I am talking about so that he might be able to get back to whatever mis-mosh he was making me want to pull my hair out over (as in, "nice sisy" when I am talking to him about hitting me in the head with a toy), or saying "OKAY! Okay? OKAY?!?!?!" Thinking that this is all one has to say or do to undo what it is he had done. Or moving his mouth as if he is yelling with no sound coming out so that he dose not have to deal with what I am talking to him about... not to even think about the non-purposeful touching of everything, or the leaning pushing into me and others. The not wanting to do anything I ask, rather running off doing something else, and hitting, slapping biting, crying when I bring him back to the task at hand (as in cleaning something up, getting dressed, leaving the house, ext.).

I have I have to deal with him one on one, and this moment that is not happening very much because I cannot take it... (I know this sounds sad but how much time each day do you think I might try to make a min. as a starting point of time that I work with him one on one with TV or phone or what have you?)

Please help... I wish not to cry myself to sleep another night.
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#2 of 7 Old 11-13-2008, 04:27 PM
 
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I don't have any advice for you.

I do, however, have hugs. (((((you)))))

Being a mother is sometimes very trying. Good luck to you, Mama!
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#3 of 7 Old 11-13-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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i'm feel really bad for you guys, that sounds so painful for everyone. i assume you have ruled out any physical ailments, and that this behavior has been going on for a while? i see you also have a young baby- could your son be competing with baby for mom time? are you feeling any post-partum depression that is making his behavior more intolerable?

obvy, i don't know your son, but the things you describe in your post sound pretty within the realm of normal- touching everything, climbing on you, seeming not to listen... you ask if maybe your expectations are too high for him, and that may be the case. put away anything you really don't want touched, make time for really physical play and roughhousing as well as snuggling. create an environment that reduces the chance you need to say "no." don't set you and your child up for struggles. that is the tip that most helps me deal with my toddler!

i think the less you interact with your son, the more he is likely to get your attention in disagreeable ways- negative attention is better than none in the eyes of a small child. do you have adequate help caring for your children? someone to take baby for a while so you can play with your son, or take him out on days you don't feel up to it? is your son in preschool? that may or may not be helpful right now, to have a break a couple mornings a week..

enlist the help of anyone you can to help you have fun with your kids. i think people who know you guys well would also be good resources for "is my kid acting normal?" kind of questions.

i'm so glad you are looking for support. it is very difficult to say "i don't wanna be with my kid." but i think it is pretty normal. please be sure that this is not the message he is getting, though, and that you find real assistance in becoming the mom you want to be right now, to both your children.

warmly- molly (mom to hazel 6/12/06, edd 3/25/09)
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#4 of 7 Old 11-13-2008, 04:37 PM
 
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its not enough to go on but a few of the things you mentioned might raise flags for sensory integration issues (leaning into you, not "hearing" you) It might be worth it to look into that possibility since you are so frustrated. Its possible its just normal behavior too but if its that hard to be around him there might be some reasons.
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#5 of 7 Old 11-13-2008, 11:54 PM
 
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It's been hard for me to accept that my dc will not give me the response I crave when I'm disciplining them, e.g. look me in the eye, appear to be listening, express some remorse. But they just won't. The more upset I am, the more they seem detached from what's going on. I really think it is a coping mechanism for them. It's not that they don't hear me. Part of it is that they haven't learned the social niceties of showing someone that you hear them and value what they are saying. Another part is that disappointing you, the most important person in the world to them, is not something they can easily face. But they do hear you.

If you truly believe that your ds is acting out of the norm, that he never hears you or understands you, you should talk to your pediatrician. I really wish you the very best and hope you get some resolution.

ETA: My friend was telling me recently about something called entrainment (hope that's the right word.) Children have the ability to concentrate so completely that they really cannot hear us. It's critical to their development, since it's allowing them to access higher levels of thinking.
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#6 of 7 Old 11-15-2008, 12:29 AM
 
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Well, first of all, he's three. That about sums it up. In a few years he'll be a completely different kid. But he reminds me alot of my second child who COULD NOT keep his hands to himself anywhere we went. He's six now and still like that to a certain extent. He's also more on the ADD side and reacts very strongly to sugar. He always seemed like the more spastic of the two but now he is actually calming down quite a bit and is turning out to be a very sweet and empathetic boy.
Try to focus on his good points instead of the bad and remember that he will change alot in the next few years.
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#7 of 7 Old 11-15-2008, 12:47 AM
 
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For what it's worth, you might try getting and reading "Have A New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. My mom bought the book for me, then read it herself [before passing it to me, lol], and immediately began implementing the suggestions in the book with my 3 yr old son. I noticed, with her, she says something to him only once and he instantly obeys.
He's not fearful or anything like that, so if definitely wasn't that she was hitting him...

I inquired "How had she obtained such instant response, with no backtalk or ignoring? What was she doing?" She said, "Read the book!" So, that's what I am doing now; because I want my children to be happy, but obedient with me- like they are for "..rahma!"

Mom got the book from amazon.com
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