Counting to three.... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 83 Old 11-21-2008, 06:29 PM
 
Rivka5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have found counting to be helpful when kids are taking turns. It gives the waiting kid something to do while waiting, plus reassurance that they won't have to wait forever, and it helps the other kid wind down their turn and get ready for the transition.

I've also found it helpful to say "okay, go down the slide three more times and then we'll go," and then count trips down the slide.

I use timed warnings a lot: "we're going to leave in five minutes... two minutes... one minute... okay, let's go." Or I'll let her know what the sequence is going to be: "when you finish your show, it's going to be time to put on shoes and walk out the door."

I don't count as a warning. It feels too much like I'm saying "feel free to not listen to me until I get to three." If I tell her to stop blowing bubbles in her milk, and she continues to blow bubbles in her milk, I just remove the cup. I don't give her the count-of-three to stop.

Alexandra 4.11.05 and Colin 2.9.09. Click on my name to visit my homeschooling blog.
Rivka5 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#62 of 83 Old 11-21-2008, 06:34 PM
 
Sasharna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 845
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdunahoo View Post
My question is to those who are basically saying that they could not "force" their child to do something (for example, putting shoes on because you have an appointment) what do you do in those situations? Do you just say "oh well, I guess we're not going out today" or is there another method other than counting or saying "we're leaving in 10 mins so lets start thinking about getting ready and finish up what we're doing" and then putting on their shoes for them?

Basically i'm asking What if you say "hey i'm getting frusterated and I'd like you to get ready please" and your 3 year old says "no" and you don't believe in helping them put on their shoes??

I'll add that I have a 10 month old so i'm still a ways off of this, but i'm just very curious.
I'm also very curious about this. Are there any threads on the subject?

Gallifreyan nerdfighter :, doting partner to the sasquatch , mama to the boss : (10/05) and the new little one (4/14/09). :: and hoping to :
Sasharna is offline  
#63 of 83 Old 11-21-2008, 06:56 PM
 
gabry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Dutchgirl in Antwerp
Posts: 1,231
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I didn't read the whole thread but wanted to give my take on the question re. what if they don't put on their shoes?
I've taken kids in the car/ on my bike/ in the stroller many times without shoes (or jackets, hats, whatever) and then put them on later (or never, depending on the situation). For some reason it's never a problem later. I guess they forget their objections or feel satisfied they were heard the first time.
I'm not sure what you mean by "you don't believe in helping them"? Especially a 3 year old? Heck, my five year old still asks me to help him regularly, and I don't mind usually.

mama to my August boys ('03 & '06)
gabry is offline  
#64 of 83 Old 11-21-2008, 07:47 PM
 
Tdunahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA
Posts: 112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What I meant by "you don't believe in helping them" was that after reading some of the posts on this thread it seemed like some of the parents believe even saying "ok, i'm getting frusterated so either you can put on your shoes now or I can help you" is not an appropriate response because you're forcing them to do something they don't want to do and so I was asking those parents what they do in a situation when they actually need to be somewhere.
Tdunahoo is offline  
#65 of 83 Old 11-21-2008, 09:18 PM
 
COVegMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 89
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdunahoo View Post
What I meant by "you don't believe in helping them" was that after reading some of the posts on this thread it seemed like some of the parents believe even saying "ok, i'm getting frusterated so either you can put on your shoes now or I can help you" is not an appropriate response because you're forcing them to do something they don't want to do and so I was asking those parents what they do in a situation when they actually need to be somewhere.
I didn't say it was inappropriate, I said it was not consensual.

If we were leaving and ds did not want to put his shoes on, I would just bring them with us. Maybe he feels too hot to put them on right now, but he won't mind putting them on before we get out of the car at our destination. Maybe once he steps outside and feels the temperature, he'll decide he wants them afterall. ETA: I have also let him feel the glass storm door or open the door to feel the air outside so he knows what the weather is like. Sometimes he doesn't wear as much clothing as I think he should but he seems comfortable. Where was it I heard someone say? "I'm cold, you need to put on a sweater."

Or if for some reason I think it is unsafe or really inappropriate for him to not be wearing shoes and after explaining this, he still does not want to put them on then I will do it. BUT I will not pretend that it was his choice for me to put them on him and I will empathize and I will allow him to express his emotions about being forced to wear shoes. I don't think that just because it is not consensual necessarily means that it is wrong or is not gentle parenting. I do however want to make no illusions about it when my choice is overriding his. Sometimes you just have to wear shoes, it doesn't mean you have to like. These situations are not very frequent though.

ETA: I didn't mean to make a huge deal about putting on shoes. Unless you are constantly screaming at your child about putting their shoes on, I hardly think this is the kind of thing that is going to damage you for life. I was just trying to explain why I am uncomfortable using the counting technique--I feel like it gives an illusion of choice when there is really only one acceptable outcome and no option for the child to alter that outcome. Now why couldn't I just say it like that the first time.
COVegMom is offline  
#66 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 12:01 AM
 
prothyraia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The Borean Tundra
Posts: 2,211
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by COVegMom View Post
Or if for some reason I think it is unsafe or really inappropriate for him to not be wearing shoes and after explaining this, he still does not want to put them on then I will do it. BUT I will not pretend that it was his choice for me to put them on him and I will empathize and I will allow him to express his emotions about being forced to wear shoes.
What we do in situations like this is similar, although I do frame it as a choice (because he DOES have a choice, it's just an extremely limited one). "You need to have your shoes on. You can put them on yourself, or Mommy can do it for you." When he doesn't put them on, then I go and do it for him, but I'm not going to say "Hey, you choose for Mommy to do it!" when he fusses about it, I'm going to say "I know you didn't want shoes right now, this stinks." Either way it's coercive, yes, but I can give him the option of avoiding the physical coercion if he prefers.

Of course in our case it's never putting shoes ON that's the problem, it's taking them off that's the issue
prothyraia is offline  
#67 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 12:54 AM
 
Tdunahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA
Posts: 112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Coveg- Thanks for answering my questions!
Tdunahoo is offline  
#68 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 01:15 AM
 
COVegMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 89
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
What we do in situations like this is similar, although I do frame it as a choice (because he DOES have a choice, it's just an extremely limited one). "You need to have your shoes on. You can put them on yourself, or Mommy can do it for you." When he doesn't put them on, then I go and do it for him, but I'm not going to say "Hey, you choose for Mommy to do it!" when he fusses about it, I'm going to say "I know you didn't want shoes right now, this stinks." Either way it's coercive, yes, but I can give him the option of avoiding the physical coercion if he prefers.

Of course in our case it's never putting shoes ON that's the problem, it's taking them off that's the issue
Good point!
COVegMom is offline  
#69 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 01:31 AM
 
littlemizflava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: GTA,ontario,canada
Posts: 1,393
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by prothyraia View Post
What we do in situations like this is similar, although I do frame it as a choice (because he DOES have a choice, it's just an extremely limited one). "You need to have your shoes on. You can put them on yourself, or Mommy can do it for you." When he doesn't put them on, then I go and do it for him, but I'm not going to say "Hey, you choose for Mommy to do it!" when he fusses about it, I'm going to say "I know you didn't want shoes right now, this stinks." Either way it's coercive, yes, but I can give him the option of avoiding the physical coercion if he prefers.

Of course in our case it's never putting shoes ON that's the problem, it's taking them off that's the issue
i give choices of which one. never the you dont have to wear them but then maybe this is why we have more then one pair of shoe, boots, sandles (packed away now) and robeez. you need to put something on your feet because we are going out go pick a pair of shoes no robeez because it is too cold for them. simple and this i use on my 25 month old ds been doing it for months. works everytime because he wants to go outside and knows that they have to be on to go
littlemizflava is offline  
#70 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 02:27 AM
 
MamaKalena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Zachville, USA
Posts: 468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE=COVegMom;12659023 I was just trying to explain why I am uncomfortable using the counting technique--I feel like it gives an illusion of choice when there is really only one acceptable outcome and no option for the child to alter that outcome. Now why couldn't I just say it like that the first time. [/QUOTE]

I don't see it that way at all. I use counting because DS can't read the clock and has no concept of time. I am his clock

Zachary (Jan. 16, 05), Blossom (Sept. 14, 08)
::
MamaKalena is offline  
#71 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 04:04 AM
 
Kira's mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 571
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We count in a playful way.ie 'Time to brush your teeth' DD: Just a minute mommy i need to color this. me or dh: ok but it's time to go dd: mommy just a minute!! me or dh: Bet you can't get in there by the time i count to three...ONE (very slowly) TWO......Ohman!! You always beat me to the bathroom. How did you do that?! you NEVER let us get to three- you are TOO fast!! Like that...
Kira's mom is offline  
#72 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 10:04 AM
Banned
 
Annalisa84's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Basingstoke, UK
Posts: 52
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Counting seems to work really well for Libby, who is 3.5 (43 months--she'll be 4 in April). I've never threatened anything that I didn't follow through with, and I always make my intentions clear, ie, "Libby, we're going to ____." "No." "Okay, if you don't do ____ by the time mummy counts to three, mummy will do _____ for you and you will get _____ taken away." It seems to work for us, and I've never had to take anything away.
Annalisa84 is offline  
#73 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 11:03 AM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 4,897
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't count in the traditional sense of "if you don't X by the time I count 3, I'll Y." Like other posters here, I have a hard time articulating exactly why it bothers me so much, but I literally cringe when I hear that "Onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne........" I guess at its base, in the traditional form its used, it's a threat and it's punitive (cause usually 3 = loss of some privilege or being punished some other way), which are both things I try to largely stay away from in my parenting. For me, it's also about the tone and posture in a traditional 1, 2, 3 count - it's usually done from afar, from above, and with a scolding kind of tone. I prefer to go to my kids when they're not listening to me.

I also feel like it places the "blame" on the child, for making a bad choice not listening to the parent, instead of the parent taking responsibility for whatever it is needs to be done and getting it done in a calm, gentle, but firm manner (which IMO teaches a child to listen to you far better than any amount of counting). Its almost as if you can hear in the parents' voice when they get to three, "If you would have just listened to me, none of this would have happened". I am not a consensual parent and do compel my kids to do things, but I don't mask it in them "choosing" for me to do whatever it is; If I need something done and they don't want to do it, it's ME that wants it done, and ME that is making them do it - not them "choosing" me to do it.

The other examples people give of counting (counting turns, counting down slides before leaving a playground, etc) are all tools I have used, and have been useful in helping with transitions because they're a finite thing (counting down eventually has an end, and gives a concrete number to a child to expect). That kind of counting, or racing/turning into a game doesn't have any of the threatening or punitive feeling to it, IMO.

I'm pretty straightforward with my kids. If I need them to do something, I'll ask once, ask twice (mentioning to them it's the second time I've asked and I really need them to whatever), and then go to them and facilitate it happening. And that's it.

Some things that stood out to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I tried it. It worked about 5 times and then my son started shrieking "don't count!" if I took a breath to start.
I could totally see my DS doing this - he's very emotionally sensitive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by COVegMom View Post
Yes, this is our approach as well.

I think that if you are choosing to use coercion, even if it is as gentle as putting a mildly annoyed child's shoes on because you need to leave for an appointment, you should let it be clear that that's what you are doing.

Giving the choice of doing it yourself now or letting me do it after I count to X is not really a choice. Even if the child "chooses" to do it now on his/her own, it is still a coercion because it is going to happen one way or another so it is a pseudo-choice IMO.

So if you are going to enforce something, I believe you should allow the child to express freely that they object and all of the emotions that go with being forced to do something they don't want to do.

ETA: I think counting also can tend to set up a dynamic where kids learn to dread the countdown and put everything off until the last warning and the last count. This seems like the opposite of what parents are usually trying to achieve, which is to be taken seriously when they ask a child to do something important/necessary.
Yes!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy View Post
So back to counting -- there is no pseudo choice. I am extremely honest with dd, to a fault. We have an appointment, you *have* to come with me (because honestly, I am not reconstructing my entire day and imposing upon friends and relatives because a three year old doesn't feel like putting on shoes) -- and your shoes *have* to be on *at some point* -- when that point comes ... you can do it yourself, or I can help you and I will give you a concrete example of how long I am willing to wait after giving reminders/options. Where is the pseudo choice in that?
See, I don't see this kind of counting as the same as the 1, 2, 3, consequence type of counting at all. I don't personally do it, but this wouldn't make me cringe like the traditional way does.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivka5 View Post
I don't count as a warning. It feels too much like I'm saying "feel free to not listen to me until I get to three." If I tell her to stop blowing bubbles in her milk, and she continues to blow bubbles in her milk, I just remove the cup. I don't give her the count-of-three to stop.
YES (bolding mine). That's part of what bothers me too about it. Warning - thanks for giving me that word finally, I've been trying to get it. Threatening and warning. If you don't want them doing something, you don't want them doing something...not you only want them doing it 3 more times before they stop. And I have to disagree with the 'giving them chances' thing, in the under 5 crowd, I think they're just too young to get that.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
#74 of 83 Old 11-22-2008, 10:16 PM
 
transylvania_mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: abroad
Posts: 1,048
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tdunahoo View Post
My question is to those who are basically saying that they could not "force" their child to do something (for example, putting shoes on because you have an appointment) what do you do in those situations? Do you just say "oh well, I guess we're not going out today" or is there another method other than counting or saying "we're leaving in 10 mins so lets start thinking about getting ready and finish up what we're doing" and then putting on their shoes for them?

Basically i'm asking What if you say "hey i'm getting frusterated and I'd like you to get ready please" and your 3 year old says "no" and you don't believe in helping them put on their shoes??

I'll add that I have a 10 month old so i'm still a ways off of this, but i'm just very curious.
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/magic-word

caffix.gif

transylvania_mom is offline  
#75 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 12:04 PM
 
pumpkinhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Great North
Posts: 4,308
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~mermommy~ View Post
Why are you giving your child 3 opportunities to disobey? You are saying to your child, "You don't need to listen to me know, but soon you will".

Your children are smarter then you are giving them credit for if you are counting. They can hear you. They can understand you. They are smart enough to listen the first time. You are only making yourself upset that they aren't listening.


That is absolutely and unequivocably not how we use "1, 2, 3". Children don't need 3 oppertunities to disobey. They'll do it regardless and sometimes it has nothing to do with the deliberate intent to disobey. You're right. Children are smart. The have minds and wants and wills and desires and sometimes they do not coincide with what is safe, necessary or what their parents expect/want/need of them.

Counting to 3 is an opportunity for my children to make their own choices. It's an oppertunity to alter an inappropriate behaviour by themselves instead of me doing it physically for them. It's a challenge to set a time limit on something they are taking their time doing. It's a chance for them to take some responsibility and exert their own will. Of course, if they are in an unsafe situation or are doing something that jeopardizes their safety, we don't count or in any way negotiate. We remove them immediately. I believe that counting has a place in gentle discipline.

It is in no way giving them 3 chances to disobey.

There seems to be a common school of thought in many of the play groups I visit that children somehow have some kind of sinister intelligence and will to disobey/annoy their parents/get into mischief. Yes they're intelligent and yes they get into mischief, but it's not a consipracy to drive us insane. It only becomes a battle of wills if we make it so (and sometimes this is necessary if there is a threat to safety). Most of their behaviour is very age appropriate. That doesn't make it always appropriate in general, but it's important to remember that they're not little evil geniuses plotting our insanity .

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
pumpkinhead is offline  
#76 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 12:06 PM
 
pumpkinhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Great North
Posts: 4,308
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Depending on the situation, I have used natural consequences. For example, I've let my 2 year old go outside in -15C temperatures without a coat before because he was so resistant to putting it on. I brought it with me, and after about 2 minutes in the cold he was asking to put it on.

This isn't always convenient or safe, but in select situations, it works very well.

Mama to Thing 1 and Thing 2.
pumpkinhead is offline  
#77 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 01:28 PM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 4,897
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkinhead View Post
Counting to 3 is an opportunity for my children to make their own choices. It's an oppertunity to alter an inappropriate behaviour by themselves instead of me doing it physically for them. It's a challenge to set a time limit on something they are taking their time doing. It's a chance for them to take some responsibility and exert their own will. Of course, if they are in an unsafe situation or are doing something that jeopardizes their safety, we don't count or in any way negotiate. We remove them immediately. I believe that counting has a place in gentle discipline.
I guess I can kind of see your point; I guess it just seems to me like, not that it's 3 chances to disobey like the PP said, but it's that they have 3 chances until they *have* to listen to you (because you'll enforce it *after* you count to three). And that just seems strange to me...I either want them to listen to me because we have something to do, somewhere to go, something is dangerous, etc....or, it doesn't matter so I'm not asking them to do something anyway. I guess I just don't see the point of giving chances, challenges, etc. to a young child when developmentally they're usually not there yet anyway (which you pointed out in your post). I find it much, much less stressful for all of us to ask them to do something, repeat it one time, and then just do it with them. I get less aggravated, I don't feel like they're ignoring me (which I would DEFINITELY feel if I were counting and they weren't listening), and there isn't this, "oh no I have to do it by 3!" panic that I know my DS would feel.

This is probably an agree to disagree type of thing...

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
#78 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 06:27 PM
 
EnviroBecca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 5,194
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 21 Post(s)
Boy...about the shoes...apparently a lot of your children lead lives in which they never have to WALK anywhere. We walk to the bus stop every day. I am already carrying 2 bags and my purse, so it's difficult to carry my 40-pound son as well, and it's impossible to carry him in a position that is comfortable for him. If I let him leave the house without shoes in the snow, never mind his safety, in seconds he'll start screaming about his wet socks and cold feet and it'll take another 15 minutes and a change of socks to calm him.

Mama to a boy EnviroKid treehugger.gif 9 years old and a new little girl EnviroBaby baby.gif!

I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more. computergeek2.gif

EnviroBecca is offline  
#79 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 08:01 PM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
Boy...about the shoes...apparently a lot of your children lead lives in which they never have to WALK anywhere. We walk to the bus stop every day.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing... It's possible to go out without mittens, and put them in my pocket for when he feels that he needs them. But very often we can't go out without woollen socks, shoes, jumper, snowsuit and hat. And it's not always possible to let the 2,75 year old stop us from going out. We can't stay in all day because he doesn't want to wear shoes... so those shoes (and clothes) just have to come on. :

One thing I do which I find helps, is to open the door to the outside and get him dressed near it so he can feel that it's actually cold outside. Just telling him "it's cold outside" is often not enough at this young age.
rabbitmum is offline  
#80 of 83 Old 11-24-2008, 08:09 PM
 
littlemizflava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: GTA,ontario,canada
Posts: 1,393
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
Boy...about the shoes...apparently a lot of your children lead lives in which they never have to WALK anywhere. We walk to the bus stop every day. I am already carrying 2 bags and my purse, so it's difficult to carry my 40-pound son as well, and it's impossible to carry him in a position that is comfortable for him. If I let him leave the house without shoes in the snow, never mind his safety, in seconds he'll start screaming about his wet socks and cold feet and it'll take another 15 minutes and a change of socks to calm him.
i was here thinking i was the only one who must take the bus. that is the ony way i can figure out how they have the option of taking the shoes with them.
littlemizflava is offline  
#81 of 83 Old 11-25-2008, 12:58 AM
 
Punchy Kaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Here there and everywhere
Posts: 1,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovebabies View Post
No, it's not crazy at all. You can train a child either way. You can either train them that you're not serious until you get to the "3" when counting, or you can teach them that you expect them to obey immediately. Kids are super smart. How many kids will totally ignore their parents until the mom raises her voice, starts to walk toward them, or starts counting, and then all the sudden they do what you asked? They have been trained to not take the parent seriously until this point (and believe me, children know what that point is with their parents). That's because they have been allowed to ignore the parent the first time, or second time, or whatever.

Picture the scenerio. Mom has said, "Bobby, it's time to put your shoes on now so we can leave." Bobby ignores mom and continues what he's doing. "Bobby, I said go get your shoes on for mommy." Again, ignored. "Bobby, I'm counting to 3 and you better go get your shoes on." Bobby ignores mom until... "Mommy's counting... one, two... two and a half....three!" Bobby finally obeys.
OK I seem to be stuck here and I don't know how to get out of this situation. What do I do after the first time I say, " we are going to go to the babysitters' please get your shoes." Is there something better to say? Let's say I just said this once and went and got the shoes to put on and then he is so wiggly I cannot get them on. If I try to get them on anyway he might start hitting me and all the time through this situation I am getting more and more angry. What do I do then? I usually give a 5 minute reminder when we are getting ready to leave so he is not surprised that we have to go. When I have to get to work I don't have the option of letting him dillydally.

I am trying to learn more about GD but I need a 'how-to' guide for my spirited 3 YO.

We create our own reality.
Punchy Kaby is offline  
#82 of 83 Old 11-25-2008, 01:16 AM
 
verde's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,072
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Counting to 3 is an opportunity for my children to make their own choices. It's an oppertunity to alter an inappropriate behaviour by themselves instead of me doing it physically for them. It's a challenge to set a time limit on something they are taking their time doing. It's a chance for them to take some responsibility and exert their own will. Of course, if they are in an unsafe situation or are doing something that jeopardizes their safety, we don't count or in any way negotiate. We remove them immediately. I believe that counting has a place in gentle discipline.

It is in no way giving them 3 chances to disobey.
I totally agree. That's how it works in our house.

I also think it depends on the personality of the child. My DD does not ignore me until I get to three. She hears me and begins to end whatever it is that needs to end. Then when I say three she stops and comes to me. But in counting to three, I give her the opportunity to finish what she was doing and then act on her own. For DH and I, it works beautifully and is not traumatic at all.

I put counting to three in the same category as time-outs: for some people it works well and for others it doesn't. Part of GD is finding out what works well with your particular children.
verde is offline  
#83 of 83 Old 11-25-2008, 01:27 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: raising the revolution
Posts: 4,315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For dd it is a mix between playful parenting (sometimes I count in a dramatic operatic voice for instance that makes dd laugh) and a concrete reminder that my patience is ticking down to zero and when I get to three, the negotionation portion of our decision-making is coming to a close

We don't do it every day even, just in limited and occasional situations and I 100% don't believe it negatively impacts dd in any way.
captain crunchy is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off