SOOOO pissed at my bf. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 07:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My bf and I are not married (clearly), and both currently living at home with our respective parents. I just finished school, and he has one more semester left. We have never discussed in great detail what we're going to do come January, just "oh, we'll figure something out."

Last night, I was pushing a little more for something more definate. My mom has told me she expected that I would stick around for at least a couple weeks after the baby is born. Honestly, I'd rather be out of the house before I have the baby. (I'd love my mom around the first few weeks, but I'd rather my child not be subjected to my drunken father's rantings.)

Ryan and I were talking about this last night, over the phone. He then tells me that his "plan" is that he and I will both continue to live with our respective parents next semester, and when I work, he'll take care of the baby.

THAT'S his plan! He KNOWS (and agrees with me!) that I do not want this child around my father more than the occassional visits. And yet his "plan" is for us to live apart (30 mins) for the first 5 months of our child's life! All along, we have both agreed that we would be in this together. (And why would we not? We've been together nearly 7 years, we both agreed we wanted the baby, etc...)

AND THEN, he couldn't understand why I was upset. Gee, maybe because you essentially want me to raise our child alone for the first 5 months!

The conversation was over the phone, and I see him tonight, so I am really hoping that I just misunderstood something. As is, I am currently SO pissed off and hurt.

UGH! :
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#2 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 07:43 PM
 
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s


i know i'm not part of your due date club but i saw this on the New Posts thing and i wanted to say... i'm sorry you have to go through that.


i know this is a sucky thing to bring up but, maybe he's trying to tell you something more with this...?

good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!
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#3 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 08:06 PM
 
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#4 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 08:06 PM
 
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i'm not in your ddc but i feel you need to talk to someone who relates, and i think i fit the bill. i am not married to my bf, nor am i in any rush to. i'm 22 and he is 20. we do not live together, and haven't for 1 1/2 years. my dd just turned 1 and i have a second on the way in feb. we both still live with our parents. his idea was to build a house so we could have our own space, i went along with it even though i didn't think that was a very good idea... well, the house is still getting build , seems like it will never get done. sadly becuase of this i am basically a single mom, and have been since our dd was born. i should have pushed for a house to buy/rent instead of this, but i just let it go and shut my mouth. raising her by myself wasn't nearly as hard as i thought, but it would have been nice to have my bf around. anywho, what i'm basically trying to say is make if very very clear to him that you NEED to get a place and you NEED to do it before your baby arrives. hope you two come to an agreement. good luck and congrats on your baby!

Jarrod & Nataleigh Est. 2004
DD Jayde 2005
DS William 2007
DD Lilleigh 2008
DS Edward 2010
DS Mikah 2012
Due July 2013
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#5 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 08:48 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Maybe he's just having daddy cold feet? I think sometimes it is really scary for men when their expecting their first baby, and sometimes it makes them act like real jerks.
I would talk to him and explain that it is really important to you that you live together from the begining of your child's life and that you don't feel your parent's house is a good environment for a child, and see where it goes.
Let us know how it goes tonight.
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#6 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 09:32 PM
 
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Follow what your gut is telling you.
You need an emotionally safe home for yourself and your baby.
BTW...how do YOU feel about his suggestion about your being the financial provider while he is the primary care provider?
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#7 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 10:11 PM
 
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I'm so sorry! I hope you have a more satisfactory conversation tonight!

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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#8 of 13 Old 12-15-2006, 10:52 PM
 
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I'm sorry Amanda. That sucks. I agree with the pp's that it's important for you to establish a healthy, happy home for you, your BF and your baby, and it seems that the best option is probably for the three of you to live together away from either set of parents. Hopefully, as I write this you and he are having a discussion about it that will set things right. Stay strong, mama!
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#9 of 13 Old 12-16-2006, 04:53 AM
 
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Big hugs, mama. I'm sure it will all work out. You just need to be really honest with him about how you're feeling and what you're thinking. I hope you can reach a happy agreement before your baby decides to come. Best of luck to you!

Happily parenting our snuggly wild child since 2007 and her little brother since 2011!

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#10 of 13 Old 12-16-2006, 06:54 PM
 
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Oh no I'm sorry you're going through this so late in your pregnancy. I hope your face-to-face conversation about your living situation went better. I'll be watching for an update.
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#11 of 13 Old 12-16-2006, 10:03 PM
 
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I can kinda relate with the whole bf thing - my bf and i are engaged and are planning our wedding and we do have an appt, but he has a few more months in the military reserve AND is working a full time job and I have had more than my fair share of "discussions" about promises and expectations and other lovely topics that we as women always turn into the bad guy about halfway through....

It kills me what some men just expect that we will do, just because we are the woman. Put your foot down and lay it right out for him - chances are that he just needs a reality check!!

Goodluck.

Mama to Amelia - age 6

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#12 of 13 Old 12-16-2006, 10:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your kind words--I needed some sanity!

We talked it over yesterday; actually, right after I posted, he called me, and then I saw him later.

When he called, I told him how upset and hurt I was by his "plan," and that I thought we were going to be doing this together and that by using his "plan" I would essentially be a single mom, and if he felt this way, he should have told me sooner.

He honest to God had no idea what I was talking about (I can spot the fake confusion a mile away). So I filled him in the conversation and he assured me that wasn't what he meant at all. Long story short, we still don't know exactly what our plans are, yet (he may or may not graduate this semester, so he may or may not need to go to school next semester), but he said that he definately wants us to get our own place, apart from either set of parents.

Ahappymel, I don't think he meant to say I'd be the primary financial provider (at least, I hope he didn't!). I've made it very clear, for several years now, not just since I've gotten preg, that I want to be a SAHM. A couple weeks ago we had a pretty lengthy discussion about how I did not see the point of having children if I was going to stick them in daycare for 8 hrs a day and let someone else raise them; he agreed completely with me. (And obviously, I understand there are situations where both parents must work; I hope I didn't offend anyone just now!) I knot, too, that while/if he is in school this semester, I'll probably have to continue working, but we both understand that long-term it's not a situation I'm comfortable with.

Thanks everyone for helping me keep my head when I so desprately wanted to bash his into a wall
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#13 of 13 Old 12-18-2006, 02:25 AM
 
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Glad it was more of a miscommunication -- and your bf being a dense guy : -- than the crisis situation it seemed Hope the revised living situation plan works out.
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