MIL's Help After Birth? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 07:56 AM
 
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I would not want my MIL to come to help after baby came. With dd she came 2-3 weeks after her birth and stayed just one night with two of SIL's children. It was fine, but even that was a little stressful. My mom came as soon as I went into labor and stayed for a week. There were times when it was stressful, but honestly, they stayed in a hotel, they cooked three meals a day for us, bought us a TON of food, went to the store for whatever we needed whenever we needed it (picture my milk coming in and my DAD running to the drug store to find me a hand pump cause I was literally squirting uncontrollably...it was awesome). This time I had mixed feelings, my parents are two hours away, and part of me wants them to come again, and part of me wants them to not come again so soon so we can adjust. I think they will end up rushing here to get dd from our friends house (where she will stay while I'm in labor) and help with her until dh and I and baby are home then I think they will leave and come back after a week or two. I really want some alone time with dh, dd, baby, and I...and in my head it sounds wonderful, but part of me is afraid that dd will get bored too.
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#32 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 10:14 AM
 
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I should also add that my MIL did not want to hold the baby (which was fine) and held her one time (only b/c I had to go to the bathroom or something) and she was very rough with her. It was sad.

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#33 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 10:48 AM
 
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yeah, Jilly, I've been worried about how we'd handle this, and I've kindof been working on it, in a mild way. After I heard about the Grandma shower and the acquisition of a carseat, I said to DH, "I am really worried. I think that your mom thinks she's going to be driving around w/ OUR baby!" and his response was "Well, she's not going to. We haven't given her any idea that that is what is the plan. We're going to take care of the baby, not her. Don't worry about her, babe!" Which was reassuring, and he even encouraged me to tell her that she wouldn't need a carseat. I said I didn't want to hurt feelings, and he said not to worry about that, just to respond. So that's what I did the other day. If nothing else, it made me feel better. I just think that I will have to have my husband tell her no visiting the first few weeks...
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#34 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 10:49 AM
 
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My MIL is a saint (doesn't even hate the Nazis, and she was born in Berlin and had to flee). I love her like I loved my Grandmom.

Unfortunately, she is elderly and so she is S L O W. She would like to help, but she drops things, gets tired, or needs too much instruction. I remember with DS2, she came to make me dinner, and asked her friend how to cook eggplant, then basically took 5 hours or so to cook dinner while I starved. She also tells never ending stories...

I told my mom not to come for DD3, but to send money for a housekeeper (3 days a week for 8 weeks!). It was cheaper than her airfare would have been and much much more helpful!! I didn't feel bad about bossing around the housekeeper, and she didn't speak much Hebrew or English, so I didn't have to chat all the time.

Tell her you would love to see her when baby is more interesting to be with, in a few months. Send her the names of some local hotels and restaurants!!
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#35 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 03:40 PM
 
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Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!

Wow! My MIL didn't get a carseat, but did have a baby shower that her coworkers gave here. I had to set some major boundaries (after she came into the delivery room uninvited and took dd from the nurse before dh had a chance to hold her) and our relationship is rocky at best now. When dd was a few weeks old she gave us a gift certificate for a dinner cruise, but said we couldn't use it unless we left dd with her. I eventually told her to keep the gift certificate because it wasn't going to happen.
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#36 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 04:07 PM
 
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I have heard of Grandma showers, but usually they're just luncheons where friends can gather and get excited about the baby and give token gifts that would be passed on to the mother and father of the baby. Car seats seem like a bit much (maybe if the grandma was going to be a caregiver or something after the parents returned to work??).
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#37 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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I already told my mom and my dh no guests until after he goes back to work. He only gets a week off but I would like for us to bond as a family before having any guests that want to stay. My mom may come after that but only to cook/help with older kids. My MIL came last time for about a week and she was super helpful with my DD but I wasn't really in the mood all the time for company and she said she would cook a bunch for me but ended up getting take out the whole time. I already warned my mom that if she comes I will have a list of things she has to make me!~
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#38 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 06:14 PM
 
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[QUOTE]I have heard of Grandma showers, but usually they're just luncheons where friends can gather and get excited about the baby and give token gifts that would be passed on to the mother and father of the baby. Car seats seem like a bit much (maybe if the grandma was going to be a caregiver or something after the parents returned to work??).[QUOTE]

Yeah, exactly. Well I am wondering (and have since she got it!) whose IDEA this was or what kindof a caretaker she has led her friends to think that she will be for our child. We ARE going back to work, but I WAH ~70% of the time and my husband will just come home early so that I can see clients. We have NEVER given the impression that she would be a caretaker/ daycare provider, ever!:
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#39 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 07:37 PM
 
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she said she would cook a bunch for me but ended up getting take out the whole time.
I love take-out and going to restaurants! MIL gets on my nerves because they are super-frugal (moreso than they need to be), so they never want to eat out, but MIL is really bad cook IMO. So when she comes, I do get a week of home-cooked meals, but nothing I want to eat. My parents are the complete opposite; also love to eat out and not worried about their spending, so whenever they come I love to try out new restaurants. Probably won't be doing a lot of dining adventures right after the baby is born, but I guess it just goes to show that "being taken care of" means different things to different people, and the best helpers are the ones that can identify what is most helpful to the person in need and do that--instead of what they think is best.
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#40 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 08:23 PM
 
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but I guess it just goes to show that "being taken care of" means different things to different people, and the best helpers are the ones that can identify what is most helpful to the person in need and do that--instead of what they think is best.
I totally agree. I love take out and eating out. I would much prefer my ILs to order food or bring food home than to mess around in my kitchen, making something I might not necessarily enjoy.

My parents, on the other hand, are welcome to cook in my kitchen.

What a double standard, huh?
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#41 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 09:13 PM
 
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I totally agree. I love take out and eating out. I would much prefer my ILs to order food or bring food home than to mess around in my kitchen, making something I might not necessarily enjoy.

My parents, on the other hand, are welcome to cook in my kitchen.

What a double standard, huh?

Well normally I would prefer it as I love eating out as well but the kind of stuff she got for takeout was gross!! Cheap casino prime rib dinners and cheap chinese food, I admit I am a little spoiled being the wife of a chef and have pretty high standards for restaraunts!
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#42 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 10:51 PM
 
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Well normally I would prefer it as I love eating out as well but the kind of stuff she got for takeout was gross!! Cheap casino prime rib dinners and cheap chinese food, I admit I am a little spoiled being the wife of a chef and have pretty high standards for restaraunts!
Hahaha!! I agree with that! Luckily I live in a small town, so our choices are limited.
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#43 of 43 Old 01-10-2007, 01:20 PM
 
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I am not above greasy junk occasionally, of course, but I agree, I want decent food! I like going to nice restaurants, too, and eating with the inlaws stresses me out because their worry about the cost is so palpable that you can't enjoy the meal. (Like you can see MIL scanning the price of everything and deciding to get a certain meal because it is $8 vs. $11.) I feel like an ingrate then, but when someone takes you out to dinner, I don't think you should be made to feel like a burden or a mooch for actually eating. If I am going out with someone who I know cannot afford much, I would either not wish to allow them to pay or would be conscious of cost but my inlaws have plenty of money (they just bought a house for cash), they are just cheap.
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