MIL's Help After Birth? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 04:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
lanielayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: in a beautiful Montana valley
Posts: 2,064
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Anyone having their MIL come to stay after their birth? I have really conflicting feelings on this one. She offered months ago and told me to let her know so she could give early notice to her Yosemite Nat Park seasonal job and come stay on her way to Maine (she is a travelin' grandma!) but I never got back to her, purposely. Today she called dh and asked him if we had made any decisions about it yet. I just don't see how her being here could really help. We have a tiny 2 br apt with 5 of us in here already. Her and baby make 7!! She doesn't cook even though she is a mother of 6 (and I don't want her to try!) and she has always been pretty self-involved when she visits. She gets antsy. She doesn't drive so I am afraid I will have to be entertaining her. The only reason I feel I would need help is really to feed us so I don't have to worry about cooking on top of everything else. It also means I have to make sure the apt is clean before she comes. I wish it were someone from my family coming because I would feel so much more at ease but my mom doesn't plan on coming for awhile as my little sis is having her first and due Feb 26th. Just thinking aloud (or whatever you can call this LOL) and wondering what is going on with everyone else.

~Lanie mom to Layne, Liam, Maren, Meridian, and Melora
lanielayne is offline  
#2 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 04:55 AM
 
Imvishta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Similar situation when DS was born in May 2005. Small place, long trip, etc. Decided it was best they wait until Christmas to visit, as they couldn't make more than one trip. Also, DH thought it would help my confidence as a mother if I weren't getting advice from someone else, especially someone who'd had her last child almost 40 years ago! I say hold off on the visit. Just my opinion.
Imvishta is offline  
#3 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 08:33 AM
 
yonit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Desperately seeking Kosher food
Posts: 1,405
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OMG, I love my MIL - really I do. But I think I would rather kill myself. She doesn't know that I am having a home birth (and hopefully won't until after). She doesn't know I cloth diaper - how she missed that one is beyond me. She is completely self absorbed - no cooking or cleaning. And don't even get me started on how I am "ruining" my babies by nursing! LOL

Besides, this is our 4th baby. I am surprised that you don't get this too Lanie. To my IL's anything after 2 babies is just obscene. They made rude comments throughout my 3rd pregnancy - until DH put a stop to it. They have managed to keep their opinion to themselves this time, but it is quite obvious they don't approve.

My IL's really are lovely people, but they are very much a mainstream upper middle class couple, and frankly I think they are embarrassed by us. It just doesn't look good to their friends.
yonit is offline  
#4 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 09:56 AM
 
mamabear&babybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I told dh that MIL wasn't invited until the baby was at least 3 months old. I don't want to have to clean (like you). Her idea of "helping" is to hold the baby while I do all the work. She is also baby obsessed and completely ignores dd when there is a baby in the room. I didn't mind when dd was younger, but she has recenlty started noticing gramma brushing her off. I'm also afraid of how long she will stay (she's retired). I would like to put a limit of 3 or 4 days otherwise she will need to get a hotel. We'll see; she isn't pushing a visit at this point but has mentioned that she wants to come out. I agree with Yonit, I would rather kill myself than have her come shortly after birth. :
mamabear&babybear is offline  
#5 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 10:23 AM
 
NCMommax2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Somewhere in NC
Posts: 320
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL just asked me yesterday if we wanted her to come over for a few days to play with "J" after the baby was born. Um- no thanks. "J" will need to be constantly reassured by his parents that we aren't pawning him off. Plus, she would come to just play with J or the new baby-- not clean or cook. Well, she might cook- it is her hobby/obsession. I just told her we would wait and see what we needed when we got home from the hospital.

BTW- my MIL is just 15 min. away :
NCMommax2 is offline  
#6 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 10:29 AM
 
pwit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 311
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not from this ddc but I had to chime in here. I have a pretty good relationship with my mil and when my last was born I said sure you can come and help. My mil has different ideas of what is helpful and goes through life at a different speed than me. I felt more stress than help. I ended up asking her to leave early because I could not rest and relax while she was in town. She was initially hurt I think but understood that I was not asking her to leave to hurt her but because I really couldn't rest with extra company. If you have doubts of how helpful someone is going to be its probably better if they don't come to help. Maybe arranging for them to stop by for a quick visit if you are comfortable with that and they are going to be passing through but not to "help".
pwit is offline  
#7 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 11:05 AM
 
jilly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: the great white north
Posts: 1,285
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, last time I invited my MIL as an attempt to "bond" and it was a disaster. She insisted on bringing FIL, which in my opinion boycotted the whole female bonding thing, especially since we were in a 2 bedroom apt and in the middle of trying to move out of said appt. She could not keep her opinions to herself, and I gave her a list of 5 things I would appreciate it if she did while she was there (like, clean out the fridge, clean the bathroom, help pack up some books and sew up a quick cover for my nursing pillow (she took a home ec degree, so this was not a hard request for her). Instead she spent the entire time cleaning my fridge and washing and sanitizing everything in my kitchen in order to get me "ready to move", and arguing with her husband and dh and cooking, which I had not asked her to do. So basically, she took over my whole household and made an already stressful time more stressful. After three days we told them they had to find somewhere else to stay and could come to visit, but if they tried to take over our whole house again they would not be allowed to visit for the rest of their trip. needless to say, it was a disaster and made our relationship worse, not better.

My mom invited herself for 2 weeks, and she was great for the first week because she was living in her own little "I am such a hero to be here helping my daughter with her new baby". But then when she got bored of that, she just took us out to dinner because she got tired of cooking (with a very high needs fussy 2 week old!) and played solitare on her laptop. And she was also very stressful because she needed constant thanks and approval for everything she did, and talks to herself all the time (which didn't bother me because I grew up with it, but drove dh crazy).

So, really really think about wether your MIL will be helpful or not. If you don't think she will be, or she has any control issues with you and your dh, or if she drives you crazy and stresses you out, this is not the time to get her to come. She will add to the stress, and it will just be bad. I think new baby time is one of the few times when you can legitimately say "thanks, but no thanks -- come later".

Jill , mom to Andrew (09/04), Aaron(01/07), and Emma (11/09)
jilly is offline  
#8 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 11:47 AM
 
Jude Rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 763
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh man, you guys are freaking me out.
I just don't know enough of what to expect having one let alone two for the first time and all the twins advice is take any help you're ever offered. :

I've decided to take the help and if I need more than what I'm getting, then I'll pipe up. Although, I have a feeling Christmas was an indicator of how things will really go. I ended up cooking Christmas dinner! We refused to go out visiting anyone because I'm supposed to be not stressing and taking it easy, so in-laws came to our house. Great.
So we put the turkey in and MIL has an amazing knack of cooking beautiful organic meat (any meat actually) to a dry chewy jerky. So I'm checking it and it all snowballed annd I suddenly snapped and got a tremor in my voice when someone asked for something and I said I can't do that I'm trying to get this food made and they all must have heard the meltdown and jumped up and started doing what they should have been doing all along.

Oh boy. I think I need to freeze more dinners.....she wants to come twice a week. HER passion is laundry and our stupid machine has been acting up and not draining at the end of the cycle. This will be way too much for her to cope with. Ugh.
Jude Rose is offline  
#9 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 12:45 PM
 
timneh_mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Somewhere between awake and asleep
Posts: 4,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When DS was a baby, my MIL just mauled him. She would almost pounce on his car seat, take him out, and not want to give him back to me even when it was clear that he needed to nurse!!! If she wants to help, I'll tell her my floors need scrubbing and so do the bathrooms, but I'm afraid her idea of "help" is to hold the baby while I do whatever. I don't think so!! (She lives about 25 minutes from us.)

My mom, OTOH, lives 450 miles away. She has some health problems but unfortunately makes a lot more out of them than she needs to. She will watch DS for brief periods of time, she will cook dinner, but she will not drive anywhere or anything like that when she is here. She has a medical appointment here at the end of Feb and will be here for probably 1-2 weeks. It will be nice in a lot of ways, but I hope the birth happens and I am settled and more on an even keel by the time she gets here.

My MIL is also very bossy, thought that just because I was a new mom, she could tell me all I needed to know about taking care of my newborn son. It was awful and DH was no help.
timneh_mom is offline  
#10 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 02:59 PM
 
kaybee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Up North
Posts: 493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Last time, my MIL came and visited, but stayed with my SIL and brother. This time, she only lives a 3 hour drive away. We invited her for a week with the understanding that most of this is to play with our 3-yr-old, and help cook and clean. If it's too stressful, she can go home. She actually excels at helping do things like dishes and laundry (almost too much so sometimes), so I think this time it will work out ok.

My parents are coming the following week - once again, I think they will be more help than work, esp. with our son. My dh doesn't get much time off from work, so the extra help will arrive when he heads back. I'm going to want someone well rested I can hand the baby off to in the AM, so I can catch up on a little sleep. My parents came for a week with my first (when he was 2-3 weeks old and my dh had to leave town for work), and it was so nice to have them there.

Fingers crossed it all goes well!
kaybee is offline  
#11 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 03:08 PM
 
dooney's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: GJ, CO
Posts: 627
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My in-laws have a visit scheduled for "sometime in April." They'll have the upstairs to themselves (bedroom and 1/2 bath). My MIL is a boredom cleaner (score!) and is really great in general. Of course, this'll be her first grandchild, so who knows what's going to happen?
dooney is offline  
#12 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 03:15 PM
 
bethwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,175
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yonit View Post
To my IL's anything after 2 babies is just obscene. They made rude comments throughout my 3rd pregnancy - until DH put a stop to it. They have managed to keep their opinion to themselves this time, but it is quite obvious they don't approve.
Wow, my inlaws had 4 kids (Catholic) in the 60s and I get the impression that they think that people who only have 1 or 2 kids are somehow selfish. My MIL subtly badmouths WOHMs and you could tell they were very upset that one of dh's brother's had only one child (which they seem to attribute to sil being "lazy." ) FIL has been assembling state quarter sets for his grandchildren and even though we are the last ones who will have children and we're done with 2, making for 8 total, he has been assembling 15 sets "just in case." Guess this is all neither here nor there, though.

I let my inlaws come on day three with dd. No way this time. They have to wait at least a week. The last thing I need when my hormone levels are going crazy is my MIL in my house. The first week last time, I was on the verge of tears a lot, I had horrible engorgement that made nursing very difficult--and my MIL's idea of helping? Poking her head in my bedroom while I tried to get dd to latch on and saying "let me help," coming up to me and literally squeezing my breast in her hand and shoving it in dd's face. I was dumbstruck. This from a woman who nursed 4 children a total of about 4 months. When I got to about 5 or 6 months and realized that my breastfeeding experience had just surpassed her total nursing time, I started to not-so-subtly let her know that her breastfeeding advice was outdated and not useful.

My MIL is insensitive and not the person you want around you when you are any kind of potentially fragile emotional state. A new baby in the house is a high-stress time, and the question I would ask myself if "will this person in my house make me feel safer, less stressed, more comfortable?" If no, then make them wait until you are settled in and feeling confident. For me, I am letting them come for a week after the first week we are home (my parents are coming for the first week to help with dd and see the baby; I have my issues with my mom, but at least I know she loves me, and I can tell her to buzz off when she's crazy-talking unlike my MIL); I feel like after the first-week hump is over and since this is my second and I won't be doubting myself when my MIL is trying to tell me how to breastfeed, how to wash my cloth diapers, and a million other things, I think I can handle the second week.
bethwl is offline  
#13 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 03:29 PM
 
NCMommax2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Somewhere in NC
Posts: 320
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
A new baby in the house is a high-stress time, and the question I would ask myself if "will this person in my house make me feel safer, less stressed, more comfortable?" If no, then make them wait until you are settled in and feeling confident.
This is exactly what I was thinking with my MIL. I know she is crushed that I have asked my grandmother to be in the delivery room with us and not her. But, as I explained to my DH, his mother puts me on edge.... she is a high needs woman with HIGH anxiety. Her presence would cause me to lose focus on the birth. And, she does NOT create a safe, relaxing environment for me-- so her here after the birth-- not having it.
NCMommax2 is offline  
#14 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 04:05 PM
 
raeinparis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: france
Posts: 797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'd be in the "don't do it!" camp as well. but i know i'm completely spoiled -- my mom is coming for 9 (n-i-n-e) weeks but she should be grand. she adores ds and is planning on focusing on him. he loves his nanny to bits as well. she likes cooking and when i told her we had a dishwasher i think she was wondering to herself what she'll do.

last time i told her she couldn't come til a few weeks after the due date. she made plans and was quite respectful (i wanted to have some solo-mama/daddy time before help swooped in). but fil and smil called us a week or so before our due date to let us know they were coming the following week to meet the baby. no pressure! mercifully, they didn't stay with us but i was in ribbons after the birth and every time they rang the doorbell it would take every ounce of my energy to get me and the baby up and to the door.

good luck lanie!
raeinparis is offline  
#15 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 05:17 PM
 
ewp11100's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tied down in MD, feeling restrained
Posts: 1,178
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just say "NO!"... I second the hurtiung of relationship thing too. My mother in law came after my ds was born. I didn't feel comfortable, she wasn't very helpful, and she wouldn't leave! She stayed for 9 days, I wanted to scream! I think most people's idea of help is hold the baby while you work. I told her no way then she seemed like she didn't know what to do with her self. This is also because I'm a neat freak and she's a very ..... lazy cleaner. Diferent standards ya know. But I would never do it again.

Erin Mama to thing 1 and 2 WAH with CELIAC?! Living and Learning
ewp11100 is offline  
#16 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 06:06 PM
 
bluey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Wandering, but not lost.
Posts: 1,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't. Our relationship has progressed a lot in the last few years to the point where I can enjoy her company. (really!) However. I know I will not be up for "entertaining" once the baby arrives and that's exactly what I would be doing. Making small talk, enduring silent stares everytime I nurse , and keeping the kids calm. For some reason they are always maniacs when she's around. She thinks it's funny and encourages them. Very. Annoying. I would like some time to adjust to our newly expanded family ourselves.

My mom lives close by though so I expect I'll see her more often. She is very respectful of my needing space though so I'm fine with that. Also, my grandma is moving up here at the end of next month so she'll be around too She may be coming up this week for a visit but we'll see what she feels like doing (see sig)

mum to a crew...
bluey is offline  
#17 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 06:53 PM
 
Meems's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 942
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!
Meems is offline  
#18 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 06:56 PM
 
Jude Rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 763
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meems View Post
Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!
Oh boy. You've got your hands full, mama! :
Make boundaries. Disconnect the phone. Say NO. Yikes. and if things go really crazy, ,make sure DH knows ahead time who's side to take.
Jude Rose is offline  
#19 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 07:00 PM
 
FireflyFan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meems View Post
She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!"
YIKES!!!! And here I feel a little odd every time my MIL asks, "So how are my boys doing?" (meaning MY boys, not hers!) ...but your story takes the cake!
FireflyFan is offline  
#20 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 07:04 PM
 
Meems's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 942
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was honestly afraid that my story WOULD take the cake. (gulp!)

Yes, I think I will have to do some intense boundary setting and probably put my poor husband in a baaaaad position. But the truth is, he has less tolerance for her than I do, so I think that I may have to put my foot down after the birth of OUR baby!

The other problem? She learned last night that my mom is coming to stay after the birth, and was so disappointed. I could HEAR it in her voice. My girlfriend says I'd better watch out, b/c she's going to be upset that she's not here 24/7 and my mom gets to be.

The ONLY saving grace is that I only have a cell phone. So I guess I can screen/ turn off the phone and she'll get the message!
Meems is offline  
#21 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 07:25 PM
 
veganmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: cleaning out the cobwebs
Posts: 2,368
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I WISH I could keep mine away. They live on our property and their house is only 500 or so feet away from ours.
I'd love if they'd take the older kids maybe and entertain them for a while, but I just wish they'd leave me, dh and the baby alone for a few days. I've actually been thinking for the last couple of days to come up with some way to make sure noone comes around, no MIL, SIL's or anyone. Since we're hbing though and they know it, I'm afraid as soon as they see the midwife come up that driveway they'll be making a b-line straight here. The thing that really sucks is they have a key!
I'm going to have to talk to dh and have him explain to him that they aren't to come around until we call them. But I just know that if they are taking care of the older two, they'll come up with some excuse as to why they need to get into my house.
veganmomma is offline  
#22 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 07:50 PM
 
Gray's Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: North Texas
Posts: 3,863
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My IL's aren't coming out until the baby is Christened(which will be right after Easter). I haven't seen my MIL since our oldest was Christened(at 5 weeks old). Thank goodness my DH loves my mom! She only lives 7 miles from us!

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

Gray's Mommy is offline  
#23 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 08:19 PM
 
NCMommax2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Somewhere in NC
Posts: 320
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meems View Post
Hi, new here, but couldn't resist replying to this one.

I have to say, one of my few stressors is my MIL. She means well, but I am terrified that she will try to come here all of the time and stress me out. She told her dr that she couldn't schedule an appt in Feb b/c she was having a baby... the dr replied, "you are having a baby?" and she was like, "well, no, my daughter in law is, so Feb is out!" and I'm wondering, what are you going to be DOING in Feb?

Also, she called me early in my pg and said her girlfriend wanted to give me a shower. And I was pretty much not interested. So what happened? It was "Grandma shower"!!!! And now she has toys, supplies, and a CARSEAT for MY BABY! I said to her last night, I don't think you're going to NEED a carseat!
HOLY COW!! Do we have the same MIL? Now, she wouldn't get a "grandma shower" but for the rest-- yes, my DS is her baby... not mine and DH's.
NCMommax2 is offline  
#24 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 08:32 PM
 
didkisa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,214
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not in your DDC, but wanted to comment anyway. I'm 29 weeks and we recently decided to move me temporarily down to Oklahoma (from Maryland, where we have no family) to have the baby--loooong story, but it will be much less stressful for me. I'll be renting a house from my MIL, who lives right next door!! I was initially worried because I don't want her to just come over anytime (oh, and she doesn't know it's going to be a homebirth yet...on the bed she's loaning me! ), but she has already put that worry to rest. She has clearly stated she doesn't want to be at the birth or anytime close to it. She knows my family isn't allowed to visit during our one-month babymoon and has expressed an understanding that she won't have much, if any, access in the beginning as well. (Phew!)

I'm with other posters...don't have her come out to "help." Doesn't sound like she'd be very useful anyway.
didkisa is offline  
#25 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 08:33 PM
 
MoonWillow's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pemberly
Posts: 3,938
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Do NOT have her over if you are not comfortable. It may be a touchy subject but it'd be even worse if you were just home with your newborn and had to deal with it. Just politely decline.
Get a postpartum doula. In fact that's my advice for everyone else in the same boat.
Ditch the un-helpful family! Or, if they are there visiting anyway and they mean well but don't really know what to do, start bossing them around, "I need the floors done (there's the mop) and it would be great if you could throw in a load of laundry and order a pizza, thanks so much " etc....
MoonWillow is offline  
#26 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 09:13 PM
 
MaricopaMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The hot hot desert
Posts: 246
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The thought of my MIL coming to visit really stresses me out. We get along ok, and once she's here I am sure it will be fine. But just the thought of her coming out to visit (we live about 500 miles away) is very stressful for me.

I really want (at least) a week or two (or more!) to bond with baby and get BF established. I want to walk down stairs with my boobs hanging out... or not dressed, not showered... and not worry about who's going to see me. I just can't be comfortable like that in my own house with my ILs here. I want to be able to BF on my couch downstairs, and not feel like I need to retreat upstairs to my room every time I need to nurse.

She won't drive here, so I will have to drive her anywhere we go. And I think she wants to visit when my mom is here... I only have one guest room so I am stressed out about where she would sleep. And I stress about the length of time she will stay. She works Mon - Fri ... so just a weekend would be ideal (for me) but I don't know if she plans to take time off work.

I try to explain some of this to my husband, but he's excited for her to come out so he can show off his son. How do you ladies say no to your MIL so easily without a fight from your husbands?

My FIL plans to come out "the weekend after my due date" which could mean 2 days later (my DD is on a Wed) or 9 days later. What if I go post term? UGH. Now I am all stressed out, all over again! LOL

At least I won't have a fight about no visitors at the hospital this time! She cried when we told her we didn't want visitors until AFTER baby was born (with my son... we lived very close then)... so guess who won that one? :
MaricopaMom is offline  
#27 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 10:28 PM
 
bethwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,175
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaricopaMom View Post

I try to explain some of this to my husband, but he's excited for her to come out so he can show off his son. How do you ladies say no to your MIL so easily without a fight from your husbands?
You're not alone! It's not easy for me. Inlaw issues are probably one of the biggest things that dh and I fight about. DH sees my parents' as smothering and intrusive; I do believe they have issues with letting go of me and my sister as adults, but I also know they love us and want to have fun with me and my family and really do include my dh as part of their family. My inlaws, on the other hand, I find very cold and prickly; I have really never seen parents who seem less affectionate with their own children (and even grandchildren). They also clearly do not feel I am part of their family. When dh and I were dating for several years and went on a vacation with his parents, they went to great lengths to find one of the few pics of dh without me in it to include in their xmas letter, whereas my dh started making appearances in name and in photos in my family's letter less than a year after we started dating. When dd was 4 months old, we went to their house for xmas and 4-month-old dd got presents, dh got presents, we were expected to buy little presents for his aunts/uncles/cousins whom we never see, but inlaws got me nothing as a personal gift (they gave us a $100 check as a family)--and dh had trouble seeing why I thought this was rude. Then the following year, I got in big trouble with dh when I admitted that he had to tell me when he wanted to go see them for the holidays because if it were up to me, we would never go to see them for the holidays; I find the holidays at their house depressing; even though they have 4 children, none of them go there very much and even though we have a young child, they don't do any sort of Christmas morning/open your presents thing, and oh yeah, it's not fun to sit around while other people open presents and nobody got you anything.

Anyway, just to say that it is not easy and I cave a lot. If I were really strong, I would make them wait about 3-4 weeks. That would be my true preference. But I settle for "they can't come for the first week I'm home."
bethwl is offline  
#28 of 43 Old 01-08-2007, 10:37 PM
 
ekblad9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Just a slingin'
Posts: 8,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL wouldn't come if I begged her to. She's very disapproving of our lifestyle and wanted us to stop having kids years ago. She's seen my 4 year old once and has never seen my 2 year old. My dh guilted her into coming after I had our 4th child and she was so mean to me. Told me I was a worthless mother and should get outside more. It made for a terrible start to my precious baby's life. So - if you feel like it would be really hard on you I would say don't do it. I just don't know how you would go about telling her.

Amy - Blessed wife to Jesse (the best dad in the world), mother of 10 on earth plus 8 in heaven.   PROUD to be a Catholic! : winner.jpg familybed2.gifhomeschool.gif

ekblad9 is offline  
#29 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 01:14 AM
 
jilly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: the great white north
Posts: 1,285
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Meems -- that sounds CRAZY. I would definitely have you dh and even your mom on high MIL alert for the first few weeks. Keep her away for a while until you feel like you're pretty confident and she won't be able to take over as much.

It took about 6 years into our marriage and a BIG almost seperation for dh to realize that his parents were really controlling and to finally see why I was so upset at them all the time. Men sometimes just don't see that their mothers are intruding in territory that should be their wives', KWIM?

At bit OT, but, yeah, what is with people thinking that "helping" really means "I get to hold the baby"? No, the point is, I'm the mom who is trying to breastfeed and respond to and learn about my child. You are, supposedly, here to help ME. So help already. When I went to visit my parents when ds was about 5 mos and VERY fussy still, she would insist that she could calm him down and would not give him back to me even though I knew he needed to nurse or have a fresh diaper. she would literally whisk him away to a different room so that I would have to chase my mother in order to get my son back. Well, except usually I would just wait until he had screamed 5 or 10 min. and then ask for him again.

Jill , mom to Andrew (09/04), Aaron(01/07), and Emma (11/09)
jilly is offline  
#30 of 43 Old 01-09-2007, 03:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
lanielayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: in a beautiful Montana valley
Posts: 2,064
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really do like my MIL. We get along well and she is interesting but she has the mentality of a 16 year old. Really. I am pretty sure I can put her off until spring. I am just torn because I feel I really do want some help and she would be it! Dh just works so much he can't be much of a help and he isn't taking off. I think this just now hit me and now I am realizing that it might not be the perfect babymoon. My kids are great and my 7 yr old son is so helpful that we will get along fine. They will fight each other to get things for me! I need to start making a list of easy dinners and get a grocery list ready!


Meems, I hope she is just acting a little wacky right now because she is excited but won't really be overstepping her bounds. Good luck with her!

~Lanie mom to Layne, Liam, Maren, Meridian, and Melora
lanielayne is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off