-- - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 16 Old 07-26-2011, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
11C11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Somewhere with a computer...
Posts: 78
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

--

11C11 is offline  
#2 of 16 Old 07-26-2011, 05:06 PM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,809
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Maverick061106 View Post

I feel like what I want to do is in the best interest of baby's health, and he feels differently, and excluded in the feeding process for a time.



Pumping a bottle of milk and having the dad feed the baby is no less healthy than feeding the baby from the breast.

 

I would compromise on some things- try pumping around 6 weeks and let dad introduce a bottle once a day or once every other day AS LONG AS it's not interfering with the nursing relationship (if it does then the bottles have to stop for a little time). This lets dad feel included in the feeding process (which might be healing for him, given the situation with his ex). It also teaches the baby that he/she can rely on dad to provide comfort and nutrition as well as mom. I would not compromise on other things (nurse that baby as long as you and baby want to- don't let him pressure you into stopping at 6 months).


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#3 of 16 Old 07-26-2011, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
11C11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Somewhere with a computer...
Posts: 78
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

--

11C11 is offline  
#4 of 16 Old 07-26-2011, 07:43 PM
 
Marissamom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,543
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think planning on pumping and letting him feed a bottle every day or two starting at about 6 weeks is a great idea. you can also give him specific things that are just for him to do. some dads do all the diaper changes when they're home, some are put in charge of a nightly bath (and maybe a baby massage), with my first DF was in charge of burping, swaddling, and staying up late and rocking her when she wouldn't sleep. maybe set a plan in place where 6-8 weeks after the baby is born you'll start taking a fitness class on his day off and he will have baby all to himself for a couple of hours, baby and dad get bonding time and you get adult time and a way of getting back in shape. 

 

there are lots of ways to allow dad and baby to develop a strong bond while exclusively breastfeeding. DF has a very close bond with both kids, he only fed DD once or twice a week when she was 3.5-7 months old, then once a day from 9-15 months when she stopped taking a bottle. at two she is still nursing several times a day (more than most two year olds) but she's absolutely bonded with her dada, and often will choose to go to him for comfort. DS is 4 months, and has only had 3 bottles from dada (and one from Grandma) but he loves sitting with his dad, being rocked and played with, and right now dad is the only one who can get him to fall asleep for a nap unless he's really  tired. 


Marissa, Partner to J geek.gif, SAHM to A (05/09)fly-by-nursing1.gif and I (03/11)stork-boy.gif. we cd.gif
selectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gifnocirc.giffemalesling.GIFecbaby2.gif part-time and familybed1.gif through infancy. planning ahomebirth.jpg
Marissamom is offline  
#5 of 16 Old 07-28-2011, 09:06 AM
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,345
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Honestly, I would try to not plan too much for what you're going to do. I am not saying this to trivialize your concerns. You sound like you are a planner and it makes you feel better to map things out in advance. I am the same way. My first child is a month old right now, and when I was expecting her I went through all kinds of plans for how I was going to do X and Y and Z. Ultimately, some of them worked out as planned, some of them didn't... you just adjust.

 

Right now you are stressing out about what is, essentially, a hypothetical situation--your partner wants to give a bottle at 6 weeks and you don't want him to. Or he wants you to wean at 6 months and you don't want to. A lot could happen between now and then. You could change your mind, or he could change his, or some other factor could arise that tilts the situation one way or another. Say you have a supply problem and the baby needs supplemental bottles--bam, now Dad can give a bottle with no issue. Or say your baby doesn't want to take a bottle. Or say you get to 6 weeks and he feels so bonded to the child that he decides he's okay with not giving a bottle after all. Etc. In your shoes, I'd try to focus on what you would like to do (you'd like to breastfeed), and educate yourself about it, and have ideas for what you might do as a starting point if you have difficulty (call a lactation consultant, ask your friends, whatever) but don't get too hung up on the trajectory of it--lots of things can happen.

 

FWIW, my husband has given our daughter only one bottle, which was really practice for both of them for an upcoming time when I'll be out of the house for hours and can't take her with me. He still changes diapers, we bathe her together, and he spends a lot of snuggle time with her, plays with her, wears her in the carrier when we leave the house, and so on. I think he is even better at getting her to calm down when she's upset than I am. So I don't think not giving bottles has interfered with them bonding. There are lots of other facets of their relationship.

purplerose likes this.
erigeron is offline  
#6 of 16 Old 07-28-2011, 09:14 AM
 
hildare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: in-the-sticks-off-a-dirt-road, GA
Posts: 2,692
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

does your DP know that if you wean at 6 months then you have to provide some sort of nutrition like donated breastmilk or formula until the baby is a year old?  could you calculate the cost of formula for 6 mos and then suggest to him that you would save x amount of dollars by breastfeeding till a year? 

i second pumping and letting him feed with a bottle.  also, it sounds like you guys are having some difficulty communicating.. with a new baby that can get more difficult.. is there a way that you could go to some couples communication counseling?  would he be willing to do that?  it's much better to handle that now before baby disrupts communication even more. 


Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

hildare is offline  
#7 of 16 Old 08-02-2011, 10:35 AM
 
itzj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm a little late to this thread, and I'm sorry, but your DP sounds a little controlling and selfish.  Why on earth would he want you to wean and have to switch to formula?  Why should he get to dictate the nursing relationship between you and your baby?  The terms of that relationship should be between you and baby.  There are many other ways that he can foster a close bond with his baby and find ways to comfort his baby (while realizing that sometimes, especially while baby is so tiny that the breast may be the only thing to console baby).  But trying to take away your nursing relationship and put your baby's health at risk by weaning before a year is completely selfish.

 

I was adamant about my nursing relationship with DD.   I didn't want anyone else to do a feeding and so that's the way it went.  I found and happily let DH do lots of other things for her, but this is a place where I let nature dictate who would feed.  DH got over it and never said anything.  He "participated" in feedings by making sure I had water, something to do,  was eager to fetch something, and early on helped eye her latch (I couldn't assess that lower lip).  Now, at 3 years later (and even way early on) he was quite happy to not be the one on beckon call.

 

I would take some time to reflect upon what you want and on areas where you do want to compromise and where you don't.  You should not have to give up all of your dreams while he gets what he wants all the time.  That's just not how a healthy relationship works.

itzj is offline  
#8 of 16 Old 08-02-2011, 12:33 PM
 
bigwater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Montreal, QC
Posts: 9
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have skimmed over the other replies and echo many of the sentiments.  Things will unfold as they happen once the baby arrives.  I commend your commitment to breastfeeding, that is wonderful and truly noble.  I also think it is good that your husband is expressing that he wants to bond with his baby.  Wonderful.  But as long as he is not trying to "fix" a broken relationship and experience in the past.  This needs to be worked out and clarified (gently and compassionately) now.  Encourage him to be in the moment, show him how by example.  Be in your pregnancy, your labor and those oh-so-challenging first weeks.  

But take a look at the title of your post:  How to convince DP to let me exclusively breastfeed?  Your language is both agressive (convince) and passive (let me)  :)  I am sure having such a new relationship and getting pregnant in itself is changing your relationship and creating tension.  My husband and I had a happy, peaceful relationship and a planned pregnancy after 3 yrs of marriage and there are things that have caused a lot of tension during the first year of our DD life.  It goes with the territory, for sure but I want to second my advice to get some couples counseling NOW to pull out into the open all the fears, disappointments, emotion scars etc from your individual past, as all that can get in the way in any relationship! 

Also if you can work with a doula and do some prenatal prep focusing on positive affirmations (ex: I choose to breastfeed exclusively.  I choose to let our relationship with our baby unfold naturally.  I choose a deep bond with my child.)  Prenatal yoga can be very helpful with starting this bond and being in the moment as well.
If you haven't checked it out yet:  Birthing From Within is a great resource for all things emotional involving birth and parenting.  
Good luck mama warrior!

 

bigwater is offline  
#9 of 16 Old 08-02-2011, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
11C11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Somewhere with a computer...
Posts: 78
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

--

11C11 is offline  
#10 of 16 Old 08-02-2011, 06:26 PM
 
blessedwithboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,603
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Maverick061106 View Post

I am pregnant with my first child.  I am going to be staying at home full time after she is born this fall, taking care of her and DP's first daughter from his previous relationship (she will be almost 4 by the time baby is born).  DP and his ex had some major issues when it came to breastfeeding.  The ex wanted to comfort DDs every whine and whimper and tantrum with a tit,  are these your words or your babydaddy's?   and did so until she was around 2.5 to 3 years old  lucky kid!!!, which was extremely frustrating to DP.  It was to an extreme degree, and I think the ex may have been doing it in part just to irritate DP    i highly doubt that, and i am one who has done some pretty crappy things to my ex.  BFing was never a way for me to control his relationship with his child.  Her excessive coddling was one of the reasons they ended up splitting up - for many reasons, DP did not feel he could be an effective parent in DDs life with the ex acting as she was.  your DP sounds very immature    eyesroll.gif

 

I am preparing to become a first-time mother myself now, and because of DPs previous experience, he feels that baby should be weaned between 6 mos and a year old.  My mother feels like baby should be weaned by 6 mos as well.  I personally do not feel like there should be an age limit - all children and breastfeeding mothers are different and no set age is right for every baby or mother.  I want to exclusively breastfeed for at least 6 mos.  I REALLY want to breastfeed ONLY (no bottles or anything other than me nursing) for AT LEAST the first 2 to 3 mos, but DP REALLY wants to participate in feeding baby before then...

 

I feel like what I want to do is in the best interest of baby's health, and he feels differently, and excluded in the feeding process for a time.  Am I way off here?  I also feel that breastfeeding is something special that only I can do with baby for a short time, and I want to be able to do it as I feel is right.  Any suggestions on how to discuss this with DP more efficiently?  We have only discussed it 2 or 3 times so far and I have been left feeling down about it every time...

 

I have been fighting slight depression lately... there seem to be a few things that DP and I disagree about, one being how many kids we want to have.  This was not a planned pregnancy, and we will have been together just under a year by the time baby is born.  I almost feel like I have put myself into a position of having to settle for less than what I have always wanted, family-wise... DP says he is good with no more kids after this, and I've always wanted a big family, since I was a young girl.  It makes me very sad to think this might be my only child, or that I might only have one more after this.  I guess in a way, this circumstance makes me want to be able to do everything my way when it comes to this pregnancy and in baby's infancy, because I may only ever get to do it once or twice...  I don't know if my feelings are justified, but I also don't know if I can discuss this (in this way) with DP - I don't want to make him feel like I'm "settling" for him.  He is a wonderful father and is doing his best to allow me to be able to stay at home and take care of these girls, which I am so grateful for.

 

Just in need of some guidance/advice... anything to help or make me feel better about this situation is appreciated...



bottle feeding is not just as healthy as nursing from the breast, although an occasional bottle of pumped milk is not exactly poison.  you do run the risk of nipple confusion and reduced supply.  having someone offer a bottle for middle of the nights feeding is worst of all for your supply.

 

i never had my ex give a bottle to either of my kids and they are all very well bonded.  dads can bond with their kids over baths and long walks and poopy diapers.  why is love always so closely equated with food.  its like my italian g'mother trying to shove food down everyones throat.  i loved her for many reasons, she was fun to play with and crocheted me the coolest blankets.  i dont remember her only for her escarole soup.  and your DP can make memories that dont involve bottlefeeding.

 


Bring back the old MDC
blessedwithboys is offline  
#11 of 16 Old 08-03-2011, 06:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
11C11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Somewhere with a computer...
Posts: 78
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

--

11C11 is offline  
#12 of 16 Old 08-03-2011, 07:58 AM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,486
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post





bottle feeding is not just as healthy as nursing from the breast, although an occasional bottle of pumped milk is not exactly poison.  you do run the risk of nipple confusion and reduced supply.  having someone offer a bottle for middle of the nights feeding is worst of all for your supply.

 

i never had my ex give a bottle to either of my kids and they are all very well bonded.  dads can bond with their kids over baths and long walks and poopy diapers.  why is love always so closely equated with food.  its like my italian g'mother trying to shove food down everyones throat.  i loved her for many reasons, she was fun to play with and crocheted me the coolest blankets.  i dont remember her only for her escarole soup.  and your DP can make memories that dont involve bottlefeeding.

 


I agree. At least I'm not the only one weirded out by a DP not "allowing" a mom to EBF. That is just not ok, in my book. I can't imagine my dh having the right to tell me what I can do with my body.
transylvania_mom likes this.

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
#13 of 16 Old 08-03-2011, 09:54 AM
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2,345
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

The idea is that the composition of mom's milk varies subtly based on various factors. If it's pumped and given later, it may not be optimized for baby at that new time. It's still better optimized for the baby than anything *other* than milk straight from Mom. Pumped milk < milk straight from the breast.

 

As for supply, if you don't end up having issues with supply, then you'd probably be fine, and if you find it is affecting your supply to give a bottle, you can stop. I'd pump whenever a bottle is given though--that way your body realizes that a feeding took place, and makes milk accordingly. I don't think THAT is doom to your supply. (Last night my daughter was being so fussy at the breast that I had my husband give her a bottle of expressed milk. She drank 1/2 ounce, and I pumped 4 while she was doing so.)

erigeron is offline  
#14 of 16 Old 08-10-2011, 10:51 AM
 
foreverinbluejeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Tucson
Posts: 1,508
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I saw run now before the baby is born, as far as you can, to another state. If you wait you may never be able to get away because of state visitation or custody orders. This man was extremely frustrated about breastfeeding, took his child away from a mother that breastfed 3 years, and gave her to his pregnant girlfriend to be the primary caretaker. If he did it to her, he could do it to you.

 

This man is controlling and his language is that of an abuser. Him being controlling, fruntrated with your parenting, and verbally abusive is a horrible way to live even if he can be nice at times and you have financial security. I was a single mother and loved it. There are many advantages of being a single mother.

 

If you decide to stay make it clear that you are going to put the baby's needs before his (selfish) wants. He can do things other than give bottles if he wants to be part of the baby's care. If he wants to be part of the baby's feeding he can snuggle with the two of you, get you drinks or snacks, praise you, defend you to others, encourage you to nurse in public, ect. That is what a man that puts his baby first does.

 

Just one bottle can ruin breastfeeding. I never gave my 3 breastfed sons a bottle. I didn't even own a bottle or a pump.

CrazyCatLady and Petronella like this.

: Grandmother , 3 Adult Sons

foreverinbluejeans is offline  
#15 of 16 Old 08-28-2011, 11:43 AM
 
ramama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Maine
Posts: 2,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Why is it okay to feed a baby "breastmilk substitute" at a certain age, but not actual breastmilk?  I will NEVER understand why people insist on weaning a child at 6 months to put them on formula.

PatioGardener likes this.

Wife to DH and mama to DD(7) blahblah.gifand DD(5) moon.gif...Lola the Wiener Dog dog2.gif, Faulkner the Little Giant dog2.gif, Ginger the Wonder Cat cat.gif,  Azkaban the blue parakeet, Sunny the yellow parakeet, 3 nameless hermit crabs, and a whole bunch of fish!

ramama is offline  
#16 of 16 Old 08-28-2011, 12:54 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maverick061106 View Post

; He says he doesn't want to be my dictator, he wants to be my partner.  That if I always did everything he told me to do, I would be miserable...


Good. Then your stand by your decision to exclusively nurse. smile.gif

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off