This morning was our first attempt with the nipple shield, and it went fairly well. DD latched on pretty quickly and was nursing/napping for about an hour and a half. During the day, she latched a few times and used me as a human pacifier, but pulled away with let-down occurred. Tonight, I tried to nurse her, hoping that we could co-sleep/nurse all night, and she screamed bloody murder every time the shield hit her mouth...or, she'd latch and suck a few times and then pull away screaming. She would only take the bottle.
I laid her in her crib and went downstairs to wash out the bottle to get ready to pump and was crying from frustration, and when DH asked what was wrong and I told him I was frustrated and disappointed because this morning was so encouraging, his response was "relax and you'll get it."
I know he means well, and is trying to help, but if one more person who has never 1)tried to nurse a preemie, 2)EPed, 3)used a nipple shield or 4)POSSESSED BREASTS - tells me that I should just "relax" and everything will be fine, I'm going to scream.
I know it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. really, I know that. I just wish I could spend the next 3-5 days laying in bed with her learning how to nurse together, but I can't. DH works 80 hours/week, and we have family flying in the weekend, and someone has to clean the house, plus we're starting a home business for me, so I have to do a bunch of paperwork/research for that.
There isn't really a point to this, I guess. Just felt the need to vent.
I thought this whole baby thing would be so natural. As my sister said, "Newborns are a strange way for evolution to go about the whole propagate-the-species thing, because no matter what their temperament, they are an absolute push-you-to-your-limit stressor. The strange thing about the mama/baby relationship is that everyone tells you how it's going to be, we get all these messages constantly about how it's going to be, and then it's NEVER like that, not for anyone. So *every* mother, to one extent or another, feels like a failure."
Rationally, I know that things will be fine, whether I end up being able to nurse her or not. I know that my only real responsibility right now is to keep the baby alive. The hard part is never having dealt with any kind of depression, and despising myself for the state of my house and how I feel physically. Just blah.