tired of defending myself!!! (rant!) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My mom is driving my batty. She simply cannot comprehend the fact that my son (9 1/2 mo. old) sleeps in our bed. She brings it up EVERY TIME we talk - and it's not "how is Sam sleeping?" it's "Is he in his own crib yet?" and we have to go through the SAME thing over and over again. We talk like 2x/week so it's not as if she's just checking in every month or so. Yes we do have different mindsets to begin with on the subject but she's really adamant about imposing her "experience" which is: she let me CIO for a few days and then I slept through the night, ALL night, for the rest of my life. Except she wasn't bf'ing (which is a whole OTHER story) and she was, apparently, super human. It's efiin' exhausting!!!! I've tried sending her articles, books, statistics, everything I can get my hands on about bed-sharing and safety, benefits to child, etc. and nothing works. I don't even think she reads it. She's even sent me articles (nasty, CIO technique BS) about getting a baby to sleep through the night (in the crib). I have dealt with this now for 5 months +. I have tried begging her to stop, telling her firmly that it's OUR decision and that's final, telling her that I can't listen to it anymore and it's driving me nuts, just ignoring it, changing the subject, agreeing with her...everything short of outright LYING which I think it's coming down to. Yes, mom, kid's in the crib and sleeping great. You were right. Everything is right in the world now. It's gotten worse since now I am expecting again in Sept. and she's got to comment over and over how I better get the new baby used to the crib early this time because we'll never get TWO out of the bed and on and on and on...........................

ugh
sorry.
rant over I think. For now...'till she calls again at least.

*Meghan* - Mom to Sam (5/14/08) and Joseph Scott born 9/10/09! and wife to amazing hubby Mike : ! WE LOVE OUR : FAMILY!
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#2 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 12:45 PM
 
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"mom, I love you, and I know you mean well, but I'm not willing to discuss this with you anymore. It works for us, and I'm so glad you found something that worked for you when you had little ones. It's ok that they aren't the same thing." Then when you change the subject, if she doesn't follow, "I gotta go mom. Love you."

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#3 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 01:11 PM
 
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And if she keeps on after you use mysticmomma's great advice, just stop engaging her on the topic.

Mom: Is he in a crib yet?
You: No he's not. We planted the garden on Sat. blah blah blah.
Mom: He has to learn to sleep alone.
You: No he doesn't. He said kumquat yesterday!
Mom: You're ruining that baby!!
You: No I'm not. Ms. Jones loved your recipe for soup.
Mom: You'd better teach your next baby to sleep in a crib.
You: No. Well, that's all I wanted to tell you, good bye.
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#4 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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No advice, just want to say my gma asks me the exact same thing everytime we talk, so i am in a similar situation.. :

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#5 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 01:24 PM
 
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dont make it debatable. If she brings it up, calmly tell her its not up for discussion.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
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#6 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 02:10 PM
 
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Sounds like you have tried everything during a conversation to end this. I think at this point I'd end the conversation every. time. she brings it up. "Mom, I'm not discussing this, bye."

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#7 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 02:10 PM
 
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Honestly, long explanations don't work with this kind of person. Keep it simple - "We will never agree. Change the subject, please, or I will have to hang up." "I love you, and I don't like how mean you are on this topic." "Sorry, we've talked this to death. New topic please." "My turn to be the mama, thanks!"
etc.

GL!

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#8 of 12 Old 03-04-2009, 04:16 PM
 
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same boat, I have actually been accused of having a "sick obsession" with my son, depriving my parents of him, letting him control me. Everything in the book. My DD slept fine in the crib with no CIO or anything, thats just the way she is, and somehow either my son is a failure or I am, depending on the mood my mother is in. Apparently there is only one personality type that is approved by her.

she just doesn't get the both of my kids have different needs and I am responding to them. ugh.

:Retro Mommy to Viv 5/14/04 and my little Bam-Bam Hank 5/16/08 and wife to my electric and electrician hubby Justin: Proud Vegetarian Homeschooling Hippie Freaks!::
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#9 of 12 Old 03-05-2009, 12:08 AM
 
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My Mom does the same and also wonders why we dont put him in the pack and play (that she bought for us) during the day. Ive realized that she thinks if ds slept in a crib and didnt breastfeed at night, he could spend the night at her house. So in a sense, she thinks she could be closer to ds if he wasnt so attached to me. How frustratin:g

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#10 of 12 Old 03-05-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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My mother does this just about every day as well. My way of ending it? I either hang up on her - seriously, without warning too - or I just walk away, depending on the situation. I tell her over and over it's none of her business and to just stay out of it. She raised her child and she needs to learn that my child is MY child, and not hers.
Of course, my mother has a bit more to hang over me than yours does I presume. See my parents bought us the crib and the mattress. A $500 convertible crib and a $200 mattress. So they get pissy about spending the money. I never asked them to spend that much, and I keep telling them that she will use it eventually since it converts to a toddler bed (and a day bed and a full!).
Seriously, if what PP said doesn't work just tell her the next time she says anything about it, you're going to hang up. Then do it. It's mean, but it'll get your point across.
Good Luck Momma!

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#11 of 12 Old 03-05-2009, 11:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for listening and to those of you going through the same stuff - it's nice to know I am not alone if nothing else! And trust me when I say that I have tried EVERYTHING - including having my dh talk to my mom about it. She just refuses to listen. I don't want to hang up on her or anything (although it's gotten to that in the past, with this issue and others) because I do know that she means well, just wants to help, and will never change. She is who she is and I have to accept that just as I expect others to accept me. She'll even AGREE with me, and then say "BUT..." (there's always a BUT) "...is sure would be nice if he slept in his own bed!". To which I undoubtedly reply that we LIKE having him in the bed! *sigh*. In the grander scheme of things I am lucky that my mom is accepting of (most of) my choices. She's okay with me not vax'ing, extended bf'ing, even my homebirth. Of course because that ended in a transfer and she was scared for my life, she won't let THAT go either and thinks my midwife was totally negligent, but that's a whole other story. I do feel lucky, though, that I don't have to fight to defend my views on EVERYTHING. It's just exhausting having the same conversation OVER and OVER again. I'm getting to the point where I think maybe a bit of early-onset senility is kicking in, because sometimes I get the feeling she really doesn't remember that we've discussed this so much. It's sad, but it almost makes me feel a bit better about it because I know she can't really help it. Anyway, thanks again for everyone's replies and for just listening!

*Meghan* - Mom to Sam (5/14/08) and Joseph Scott born 9/10/09! and wife to amazing hubby Mike : ! WE LOVE OUR : FAMILY!
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#12 of 12 Old 03-05-2009, 11:57 AM
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she probably feels like if you let baby cio in a crib then that is saying her way of doing things was the best way and doesnt want to come to terms with what cio means for a child and that she did something "wrong" with her children... anyhow thats how my mom is, but I don't talk to my mom anymore because she bugs me in the same way, but with the spanking issue.
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