I have two sons - 4 years old and 2 months old. DS1 slept with DH and me in our bed until he was 3.5. Then he started to want to sleep in his room, but only if I would sleep with him, which I did until DS2 was born.
Before DS2 was born, I borrowed a crib and purchased an (expensive!) organic crib mattress. I had intended to side-car the crib to my bed, so that I could safely co-sleep with both kids if DS1 didn't want to sleep in his own bed without me. I told DH that this was my plan before I ever purchased the crib mattress, and he didn't ask me anything about it or seem to care.
When DH was putting together the crib, I explained to him how I wanted it configured so that I could attach it to the bed. Our bed is really high, so it was going to require putting the crib on its highest setting and also putting some blankets under the crib mattress to elevate it to the same height as our bed. And of course, one side of the crib needed to be left off.
Well, DH basically acted like I was crazy to try to use the crib in such an unorthodox way that was not intended by the manufacturer. He saw danger at every turn - the crib wouldn't be sturdy enough with a side off and would fall apart with the baby in it, there would be gaps that the baby would fall into and suffocate, etc. etc. Of course, I had carefully planned exactly how everything would be held together very tightly with a ratchet tie-down and with blankets filling the gaps, but he basically forbade me to do it. Oddly, he has no problem with the baby sleeping with me in our adult bed, so that is what I have done so far.
The problem, as you might imagine, is DS1. DH is sleeping with him in his bed most of the time, but DS1 misses sleeping with me, even if it's only occasionally, and I miss him too. I feel like our relationship is suffering, and he is developing nervous habits (chewing his fingers constantly) that he never had before. DS1 occasionally comes in and gets into my bed during the night, and then I spend the rest of the night sleeping poorly, because I'm worried that DS1 will flail around in his sleep and hurt the baby. Often, I end up sleeping with the baby on my chest for the rest of the night to keep him safe. And I'm not getting the benefit of snuggling with DS1, because the baby is either between us or sleeping on me. Several times, I've been so tired at bed-time that I've had to tell DS1 that he can't sleep in my bed because it makes me too worried about the baby and keeps me from getting the sleep I need. He usually takes it well but is sad, but he has had a couple of crying sessions when I've told him he has to sleep in his bed, and it just breaks my heart.
I want to be able to cuddle with both boys - one on either side. I want to be able to nurse both of them to sleep in the same bed (plus crib) - not shuttle back and forth from room to room, which often results in the baby getting woken up in the process. I also want to have the additional sleep surface, I want to feel like the baby is protected from rolling or crawling out of bed, and I want DH to be able to come snuggle with me in our bed without the baby between us.
I think the thing that annoys me the most is that in our heated discussions of the issue, DH has basically accused me of wanting to co-sleep only because I don't want to have to get out of bed during the night to get the baby out of the crib and nurse him - basically, I'm lazy. Of course that's a benefit of co-sleeping - getting more sleep - but I have loudly informed him that I co-sleep more for the baby's benefit than mine, and that after having done extensive reading on the subject, I would feel neglectful making my baby sleep alone in a crib (unless he seemed to really want to sleep separately, which he doesn't). From the standpoint of his neurological development and physical growth, I truly believe co-sleeping is the best thing for my baby, and I'm not going to give that up just so that the crib and the organic crib mattress won't continue to sit there unused.
So . . . I have everything I need to side-car the crib. I think I'm going to just go ahead and do it one day while DH is at work. Maybe when he sees it all set up and is able to push and pull on it to test its sturdiness he will feel better about it. Or maybe he will just get really pissy about it. Do you think I should try to talk to him about it again first, or set it up first so that he really understands how it would work and sees that it should be safe?
Before DS2 was born, I borrowed a crib and purchased an (expensive!) organic crib mattress. I had intended to side-car the crib to my bed, so that I could safely co-sleep with both kids if DS1 didn't want to sleep in his own bed without me. I told DH that this was my plan before I ever purchased the crib mattress, and he didn't ask me anything about it or seem to care.
When DH was putting together the crib, I explained to him how I wanted it configured so that I could attach it to the bed. Our bed is really high, so it was going to require putting the crib on its highest setting and also putting some blankets under the crib mattress to elevate it to the same height as our bed. And of course, one side of the crib needed to be left off.
Well, DH basically acted like I was crazy to try to use the crib in such an unorthodox way that was not intended by the manufacturer. He saw danger at every turn - the crib wouldn't be sturdy enough with a side off and would fall apart with the baby in it, there would be gaps that the baby would fall into and suffocate, etc. etc. Of course, I had carefully planned exactly how everything would be held together very tightly with a ratchet tie-down and with blankets filling the gaps, but he basically forbade me to do it. Oddly, he has no problem with the baby sleeping with me in our adult bed, so that is what I have done so far.
The problem, as you might imagine, is DS1. DH is sleeping with him in his bed most of the time, but DS1 misses sleeping with me, even if it's only occasionally, and I miss him too. I feel like our relationship is suffering, and he is developing nervous habits (chewing his fingers constantly) that he never had before. DS1 occasionally comes in and gets into my bed during the night, and then I spend the rest of the night sleeping poorly, because I'm worried that DS1 will flail around in his sleep and hurt the baby. Often, I end up sleeping with the baby on my chest for the rest of the night to keep him safe. And I'm not getting the benefit of snuggling with DS1, because the baby is either between us or sleeping on me. Several times, I've been so tired at bed-time that I've had to tell DS1 that he can't sleep in my bed because it makes me too worried about the baby and keeps me from getting the sleep I need. He usually takes it well but is sad, but he has had a couple of crying sessions when I've told him he has to sleep in his bed, and it just breaks my heart.
I want to be able to cuddle with both boys - one on either side. I want to be able to nurse both of them to sleep in the same bed (plus crib) - not shuttle back and forth from room to room, which often results in the baby getting woken up in the process. I also want to have the additional sleep surface, I want to feel like the baby is protected from rolling or crawling out of bed, and I want DH to be able to come snuggle with me in our bed without the baby between us.
I think the thing that annoys me the most is that in our heated discussions of the issue, DH has basically accused me of wanting to co-sleep only because I don't want to have to get out of bed during the night to get the baby out of the crib and nurse him - basically, I'm lazy. Of course that's a benefit of co-sleeping - getting more sleep - but I have loudly informed him that I co-sleep more for the baby's benefit than mine, and that after having done extensive reading on the subject, I would feel neglectful making my baby sleep alone in a crib (unless he seemed to really want to sleep separately, which he doesn't). From the standpoint of his neurological development and physical growth, I truly believe co-sleeping is the best thing for my baby, and I'm not going to give that up just so that the crib and the organic crib mattress won't continue to sit there unused.
So . . . I have everything I need to side-car the crib. I think I'm going to just go ahead and do it one day while DH is at work. Maybe when he sees it all set up and is able to push and pull on it to test its sturdiness he will feel better about it. Or maybe he will just get really pissy about it. Do you think I should try to talk to him about it again first, or set it up first so that he really understands how it would work and sees that it should be safe?