dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 04:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
I agree. It will probably happen while he is cuddling your son too. There is nothing your DH can do to keep that from "popping up". Of course I would not want my child exposed to that either, which is why Dad needs to wear pajamas.
Exposed to what? A normal functioning body?? Dad isn't getting aroused in front of the kids. It's a nocturnal erection.

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#62 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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I'm also wondering. Putting PJ's on isn't going to stop an erection from happening or even from touching someone. What's the difference?

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#63 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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I'm also wondering. Putting PJ's on isn't going to stop an erection from happening or even from touching someone. What's the difference?
If dad is getting an erection, there is always a chance that he could orgasm. Of course, this is mostly associated with young teen boys, but it does happen to adults too. I would not want my child to be next to a penis if that were to happen.

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#64 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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I just don't feel comfortable with her being in contact w/ her dad's erect penis, this is just a gut reaction on my part and may be due to my own hang-ups or social norms but it is the way i feel.
I am completely with you here and IMHO, we as mothers have 'gut feelings' for a reason and should not ignore them. I agree that he should find some way to cover himself even if he disagrees about the appropriateness of the situation. DH and I used to sleep naked and probably will again someday, but while we have little ones in our bed, we wear something to sleep. It has nothing to do with DD seeing us naked because she does, plenty. That to me is not what it's about. I agree with OP that it's about her daughter's perception, it's about others' perceptions, it's about her own feelings of discomfort. Plus, when it was just us in the bed, DH's nocturnal erections were related to sex some of the time...not to say OP's husband was doing something inappropriate, that's not what I'm saying, but I do not blame her for being uncomfortable. Don't back down on this one, mama!!

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#65 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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I have a DD, I would not want her father sleeping next to her naked, I don't ever want him sleeping next to me naked or at all for that matter but that is another issue.

We are private about bodies of the opposite sexes in my home. I have no problem if DD sees me naked. I would not cosleep with her while naked though, with a nursing top, while nursing, yes. But her and my step daughter (no longer lives with me) have briefly seen eachother naked, but never has she seen her step brother naked. We had rules about girls see girls, boys see boys and we always keep our hands to ourselves.

No man would sleep next to my daughter naked, the fact that he is willing to compromise cosleeping for his own selfish reason bothers me more than anything. Put on undies or Pajama bottoms. I would ask him to sleep in a seperate bed, if he chooses to sleep naked. That is just how I feel.
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#66 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 05:06 PM
 
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I wouldn't have a problem with the situation you describe (my husband sleeps in the nude, so it's entirely likely that something like that has happened at some point). I don't think there's anything inappropriate about it.

However, I don't think you're out of line in asking him to put on some pants, because you're obviously reacting to this strongly, and emotions don't have to make sense.

What is his objection to pj's?
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#67 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 05:13 PM
 
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My DH sleeps naked, to him its more comfortable. I sleep in Pjs b/c its more comfortable for me. I have no issues. I wonder how much of our hang up on nudity is a symptom of our dysfunctional society?? There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful. The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.

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#68 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
OP, while I can understand how it might bother you I have to gently say that it has way more to do with you being squicked out by it than it actually being a problem. (At least from what you've described)
It's not either she's "just" squicked out or it's a problem. She is bothered, so there is a problem. To suggest otherwise is dismissive of the OP's very real, valid feelings.

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I think your daughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father sleeping nude and I don't know how it would ever come up as you mentioned in the first post. Something like "Someone might say sleeping naked with her dad is weird" I highly doubt it would EVER come up.
And since OP's dd will be able to sense OP's feelings, that's a very good reason for the dh to compromise. If both parents were totally OK with this, it would make for a very different dynamic. But that's not the case here.

It doesn't have to come up in conversation for a child to figure out that families, in our culture, rarely co-sleep in the nude. I've come to figure it out, it's just one of those things that is generally known in our culture.

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#69 of 97 Old 04-07-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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Just a reminder to everyone to please keep this part of the User Agreement in mind while responding here:

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Taking issue with another member is not appropriate on MDC. Let's keep things civil and remember to honor the UA so the OP can get the input and support she needs on this difficult topic.

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#70 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 09:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sahmama_12 View Post
There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful.
They also routinely circ their sons. Just because another culture does something doesn't make it right.
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#71 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 10:58 AM
 
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I don't see it as a double standard.

All opinions aside, what you feel comfortable with is the only thing that matters.

If it bothers you, dh should be respectful of your feelings enough to wear pants. If he doesn't want to do that, tell him you will be moving ds and dd into the guest room with you, no conversation. He will then have to decide if he wants to sleep naked alone, or sleep with boxers and cuddle.

I think after a few days of sleeping alone, he will change his mind.

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#72 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:02 AM
 
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The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.
Completely disagree. Apples and oranges. Breast and penis do not serve the same function when it comes to the nourishment and comforting of a child. Sorry I still do not see the comparison.

I think it is reasonable for OP to request that her DH wear pants.

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#73 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:41 AM
 
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They also routinely circ their sons. Just because another culture does something doesn't make it right.
I think the point was that different cultures--probably even within a given country, if you think about it--approach family nudity totally differently. Look at the variety of takes on it in this post alone!

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#74 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:41 AM
 
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Many in this thread have commented along the lines of "trust your instincts. . . there's a reason why you are feeling uncomfortable with this. . . go with your gut" etc. That's all well and good, but I'm a little frustrated when it seems to be such a common refrain (throughout MDC) that any alarm any mother feels about anything is justified "instinct". It just feels like we are giving ourselves a free pass and holding out our own feelings as superior. What about Dad's "instinct" that there's absolutely nothing wrong with this situation?

Further to that, the thread continued and the original poster expressed concerns that she is super-imposing her own negative ideas on the situation (as a result of a past sexual assault, other harmful sexual relationships, and a repressive atmosphere toward healthy sexuality in her own childhood home). It seems pretty conclusive that the feelings she's having are not instinct.

OP, I was glad to hear that you feel both supported and challenged in this thread and I hope that continues for you as you work through this situation that is causing you such a lot of consternation. :

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. . . the thing is, i don't know where to go from here because i am not sure that my negative feelings about this will just easily go away and is it possible that that alone could create ambiguity for my daughter and make it a problem for her that she sleeps with dad naked? even if i don't say anything out loud i am sure she is aware of my feelings and i don't want her to feel that anything inappropriate is going on.
You've brought up (what is, IMO) a more important issue than the original concern. Have you ever participated in therapy about any of the sexual issues in your past? This situation aside, it might be helpful.

Kriket and Almadianna, thanks for your excellent posts. You covered so many good points.

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would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not.
Sorry, this point's falling flat with me. I don't see anything wrong with any of those things. None of them are things I would likely pursue, but I don't think they are things to particularly guard against, either.

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. . . Apples and oranges. Breast and penis do not serve the same function when it comes to the nourishment and comforting of a child. . . .
Well, both are natural appendages that have sexual and non-sexual purposes. I think it's a very apt comparison.

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#75 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:46 AM
 
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I have no hang ups about nudity I have never been molested or raped I wouldn't mind my children seeing their dad naked but I probably would have the same reaction as the OP if I saw my DHs erect penis in direct contact with my kids, not because I think is sexual, and yes I believe some pajama pants would make a difference.

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#76 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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Well, both are natural appendages that have sexual and non-sexual purposes. I think it's a very apt comparison.
Breasts produce Milk and provide nutrition and comfort to children, Penises don't provide any benefits to children.

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#77 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:54 AM
 
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I think the point was that different cultures--probably even within a given country, if you think about it--approach family nudity totally differently. Look at the variety of takes on it in this post alone!
Exactly, and please keeping that in mind... let us all please remmeber to take these different cultures and ideas with respect when responding to them.

We dont expect everyone to agree, what fun would that be? But we do ask that everyone treat others ideas as valid and not be accusatory and inflammatory when responding.

Thanks for keeping this in mind.

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#78 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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I think that whether or not the OP's discomfort stems from past issues is somewhat irrelevant to this dilemma. Either way, it seems to me her request is justified, and I'm stumped as to why her DH wouldn't be happy to make the small change for her comfort.

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#79 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:05 PM
 
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I believe in modesty.

Someone said that PJ's won't change the fact that men get erections. PJ's make a difference between someones erection being contained in their pants, and someones erect penis laying on the kids body part. That's a big difference.

It doesn't matter if it's sexual or not, just the very implication and the issues it could cause should be enough to warrant concern.

I'm having a hard time understanding why it is such an issue for him to put on pants, but I would not be comfortable with this situation so either the pants would go on or the kids would sleep in their own beds.
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#80 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:05 PM
 
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DH and I discussed this last night after I read this post. His thought was, it would seem selfish of me to not make a minor change which would make you more comfortable about us having a family bed. Its more important to me to have DD bed share then it is to sleep naked.

I told him, I am ok with her against your bare chest - though I feel uncomfortable about it, I can see that is irrational, but I don't think she should touch your penis EVER.... and DH agreed.

Sure its about the stigma of our society and sexual abuse/rape issues of my own. But I would never want a son of mine to touch my vagina (after his birth).... just how it is.

I am not about to shield DD from seeing nudity and such as she gets older- I mean if occasionaly DH slips out of his boxers or DD walks into the bathroom thats okay and we plan on just asking for privacy.

But victims of sexual abuse (like myself) often state the prediator was a loved one like a father, mother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, brother, good friend of the family, ect.

I trust my DH more than anything, and the fact he respects me enough to do small things to make me more comfortable makes trusting him much easier!

Even if society is wrong to impose these whacky implications on human bodies and sexuality - the fact is its out there. And not everyone will be as good of a person like our DH's.... Fact is, sexual prediators can sometimes be in our own homes.

Besides, it seems if you teach children seeing and touching these intimate body parts is okay and normal, how do they know later on when a bad touch is indeed bad?

It seems an ounce of prevention is worth more than a puond of cure in this situation.


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#81 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:15 PM
 
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both my husband and used to sleep naked. with kids in the bed the rule is that everyone has to wear underwear. its not that there is anything sexual going on, it just makes it more comfortable for the adults. The kids ovbiously would have no concept of anything being "wrong". that aside, my neighbor just told me about her brother and his daughter and wife. the little girl goes to preschool and recently told her teachers that her daddy made her sleep in bed with him and her mommy had to sleep in her bed. She got pulled out of class and the parents called in and they all had to meet with counselers and social workers. What was going on is that her mom is very pregnant, and her parents had a water bed. her mom couldn't sleep in the parents bed and so slept in the daughters twin bed, while the little girl and her dad slept in the larger water bed. It was absolutely nothing going on that should not have been happening, but if your child is anywhere near going to school, I would be extremely adamant that something needs to change. The last thing anyone needs is CPS/DHS invovlement becasue something that a little kid said was given an adult meaning.
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#82 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!

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#83 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sahmama_12 View Post
There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful. The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.
I wonder if the fathers are erect during bathing?

Anyhow, OP lives in western culture and is thus subject to the standards recognized by her community. That alone would be cause enough for my DH to put on some PJs. More people (teachers, doctors) than not in a typical western society would be worried about such a sleeping arrangement and I could see DD saying something or making a drawing that would cause a visit from CPS. Not to mention potentially awkward and confusing memories DD might have, regardless of the underlying innocence... Also - as a PP said, what if their was an ejaculation during sleep? I can think of too many negatives of this sleep situation and very few positives...

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#84 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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Wow! I'm so suprised at how many people here think that it isn't unreasonable to ask him to put on some underwear or pj's. As someone who sleeps naked everynight I would be pissed if my husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with my nudity around the kids and wanted me to wear clothes to bed. Sometimes when I get cold at night I put on some pj's but I can't fall asleep until they come back off, usually 30 minutes later, after getting frustrated.

Can you add a twin bed up against your bed and have your daughter sleep on that? Or maybe you should be the one to sleep in the middle? Put a rail on your bed.

Since there was nothing sexual going on at all it should not be treated as such and those suggestions are just to make YOU feel more comfortable.

I also feel comfortable walking around in the nude most of the day with my children. And they are nude alot as well. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with our 5 year old seeing him naked so he covers up now. I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.

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#85 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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I was OK with dh co-sleeping when naked, but he wasn't. So he just wears some underpants to bed when there's a child with him. (He is a light sleeper and is currently sleeping in the guest room because of the baby's noise and nighttime nursing, but sometimes dd #1 crawls in with him if she's had a nightmare.) Not much so he's still physically comfortable, but enough that he's also emotionally comfortable.
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#86 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:33 PM
 
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I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.
I don't think that's the issue in this case. I think it is discomfort with a little one coming in contact with an erect penis. OP didn't have concerns about nudity per se before she saw the erect penis touching her DD. Totally different than just seeing a person in the nude IMO.

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#87 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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DH and I have always slept naked in the family bed, as have our children, and the only time it has ever caused problem was in VERY hot weather when we started sticking to each other! But then our children are used to us being nude (we're nudists ~ that was sort of self-explanitery ~ sorry) and would probably be more confused by us sleeping in PJ's.

However it should be a JOINT decision between the parents and if one is uncomfortable then it should be a compromise until BOTH parents are happy again.
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#88 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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I don't think that's the issue in this case. I think it is discomfort with a little one coming in contact with an erect penis. OP didn't have concerns about nudity per se before she saw the erect penis touching her DD. Totally different than just seeing a person in the nude IMO.

That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.

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#89 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!
Oh yeah, been there.

Also fairly unpleasant is to wake up to your 7yr old DS's bum in your face because he has, in his sleep, decided to sleep horizontally AND bent completely in half on the bed. Worse still when he farts...
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#90 of 97 Old 04-09-2009, 12:49 PM
 
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I have a son and we all sleep naked at times. It is not a big deal, IMO, he obviously has to have plenty of contact with my breasts. I wouldn't discount your intuition, but my sense is that you are putting sex into a non-sex situation.

I certainly don't monitor my husband's (or my son's) special part while they are sleeping.
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