Co-sleeping with older children - tell me I'm not crazy. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 62 Old 09-21-2009, 05:43 PM
 
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i am asian so co-sleeping for smaller children is a part of our culture, and that's what i did with all of our babies. however, my daughter is 9 years old now and my husband sleeps with her in her single bed. he also sleeps without a shirt (which he has always done) i'm not concerned at all that something inappropriate is happening, but it may not be good for her emotional development and evolving sexual identity. i think he does it partially because we don't have a great marriage and so he has invested all of his emotional energy into our daughter. i've suggest he either sleep in a trundle next to her. thoughts?
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#32 of 62 Old 03-23-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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I fully plan on letting DS sleep with us until about age 2 or so...and then transition to a bed besides ours...then across the room...and eventually into his own room.  The only issue my SIL had with her little girl is that at age 9 she wanted to start going to sleepovers and having them, but was afraid/had anxiety about sleeping without her parents.

In my opinion it isn't a big deal...SIL just helped her transition to her own bed SLOWLY...but that was only b/c she showed signs she wanted to sleep on her own.

Hubs says age 7-8 is when he would like DS in his own room...however that could drastically change if we decide to have another baby.

 

I have been a child welfare advocate for over 10 years now, and CPS can't do a single thing because you co-sleep. If there are no other indications of abuse...they don't consider co-sleeping abuse...especially if the child has their own bed but chooses not to use it.

 

Do what is best for your family, and I say let your kids choose when they feel ready!


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#33 of 62 Old 04-03-2011, 01:20 AM
 
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I've slept with my son since he started standing up in his crib and threatened to climb out. We have 2 bedrooms, one is ours the other is mine (separated). I read to him, and we have a little chat, cuddle then he falls asleep. I get up and go to my own room or watch tv. Then I either sleep with him or sleep in my own bed. Invariably he comes and gets me at some point 1am usually and I spend the rest of the night there. It seems to be ablsolutely fine with both of us. He knows where to find me if he wants me. And if I have trouble falling asleep or he is kicking etc. I stay in my own bed. He's 5 now and I've been worried if I'm doing him any harm by carrying on like this. I'm glad to know that I'm not. He's an only child and with the separation I think it is very reassuring and comforting to know I am there for him. When he goes to sleep he rolls over and is very content and so am I. I don't feel there is any odd connection forming between us. Only that he is comforted that I am near him.

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#34 of 62 Old 04-03-2011, 06:37 AM
 
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Am I the only one in the world who sleeps with her older children?
Actually, for most of history in most of the world families would only ever have had one bedroom/sleeping space for everyone. There's absolutely no reason to sleep separately if everyone in the family is happy curling up in bed together



Indeed!  I can't imagine being any cozier than when my family (dh, me, 3.5 year old ds and 4 month old dd) are all cuddled together in our family bed.  We have a queen and a double pushed together and it is great.  OP, what you plan to do with your beds sounds like a great idea.  I don't think I would be very happy with our family bed if it wasn't big enough.

 

I think it is weird to think a family bed is weird.  I can't tell you how happy I am that we discovered how natural and right it is.

 


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#35 of 62 Old 04-03-2011, 07:36 AM
 
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I never slept with my parents, so until I was 22 and met he-who-was-to-become-my-DH, I'd never slept touching ANYONE before.

 

It's hard for me. And it makes me sad. I would really like to cuddle with DH at night, but I just can't sleep that way.

 

We both coslept with DD until she was 3, and I was in really bad shape sleep-wise. So at that point, I moved to the guest room. DD stayed in the bedroom with DH. Yeah, our society would have all sorts of sick things to say about that, but it's the society that is sick, not us. DD just wants to be with someone, and DH is a comforting presence for her. So now I sleep alone, and DH and DD share a bed. I like the idea that she will grow up to want to cuddle with her partner at night.

 

DD is going to visit her grandparents by herself for a few days for the first time (they live 4 hours drive away). DD says she will be fine sleeping in her own bed in her own room while she's there. She does still want her grandmother to stay with her until she's asleep, though. (But that doesn't take too long anymore).


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#36 of 62 Old 04-03-2011, 07:22 PM
 
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I am struggling with this right now. I understand that most who answered this thread are completely comfortable and happy with cosleeping until the child decides not to anymore. I would be okay with it, but... I am concerned that when she is older she won't be able to stay anywhere without me. Even now, I'd like to leave her at G,ma and G,pas house, but i'm afraid she won't do well. she is 3 1/2. And down the road I am expecting her to want to do sleep overs or our church camp (starts in 6th grade). If she never transitions to her own room, she may have to miss out on activities because she isn't secure unless she is in bed with us. Some may think it's a silly concern, but i personally know 2 kids who are in 5th and 6th grade and cannot stay anywhere, but in bed with parents. To the OP: I don't think your crazy, i'm just thinking down the road some. i think there is some value for children to feel secure enough to sleep at other peoples' houses.

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#37 of 62 Old 04-03-2011, 11:05 PM
 
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Before my 2 (8 & 5) kids were born I was really critical of my cousin for cosleeping with her girl, and now I really regret having given her a hard time.  I didn't understand before I had my own and my upbringing was pretty strict about NOT cosleeping.  When mine were born it just worked for us to snuggle - my daughter didn't sleep well unless she was with us and I tried to Ferberize and that was a nightmare and just felt wrong in my gut.  Even Ferber has apologized for having hurt so many families!  My HB is a light sleeper so soon moved into the spare room and left me with the kids in the queen bed.  We have bedrails on both sides and my 8 yo goes back and forth to her own bed.  Within the last month she has expressed frustration that she's not ready to do sleepovers when "all the other kids are doing them" and that she wants to be more independent - which I'm applauding and we're talking about how to help her get herself ready, so we agreed that she will start each night in her own bed now and work on getting more nights on her own.  Funny thing is that almost 'all the other kids' are, according to their parents, also not ready to do sleepovers - even ones who sleep in their own beds!  

I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them.  My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed. 

It's good to read these posts - sometimes I need reassurance that we're not harming our kids by just going with what works.  So many of my friends are really focussed on "sleep training" and devoting so much energy and discipline to making sure their kids sleep all night in their own beds. 

I find it very interesting to hear from grown-up kids who coslept with their parents and remember it - are you all screwed up?

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#38 of 62 Old 04-04-2011, 01:05 PM
 
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Eastvanmom, when you said this," I'm not one of those parents who is anxious to unload my kids and I don't need them to be independent for my sake, it's got to work for them.  My 5 yo is not at all interested in his little bed."  It reminded me of some other posters who have this kind of concept.  I know you didn't mean any offense. 

 

My dd being able to stay with grandparents over night is an important thing to me because i think it is an important skill for her to have.  Also, when i was a kid, around the 6th grade, so 12 years of age, sleep overs became a big thing for me.  While I don't care if my dd doesn't want to do a sleep over in her entire life, that would be fine with me.  But what is not fine is if she is in the 6th grade and cannot sleep at grandma's due to her insecurity of being with out me.  I want her to feel secure where ever she sleeps.

 

I agree age eight is probably too young for most for sleep overs...unless it's at grandma's house. 

 

Anyway, my seeing value in her being able to sleep somewhere without me is all about her learning to be confident and secure, and has nothing to do with me being anxious to unload my kiddo.  And it has nothing to do with me wanting her to be independent for MY sake, rather it is for her sake.  Just because I want her to get used to sleeping in her bed or at grandma's it doesn't mean that i fall into those two categories that you mentioned.  Actually, I absolutely love cosleeping and would like to do it for a long time.  I happen to think that it is important for kids to be able to do both, for their sake, not mine.

 

I just felt the need to clarify that...really no hard feelings on my part.


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#39 of 62 Old 04-04-2011, 02:25 PM
 
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I slept with my parents off and on until I got married, pretty much, Haha. I went to college hundreds of miles away, but when I came home for holidays I would usually spend at least one night in their bed. Also, my grandma slept with me when I spent the night at her house until I was a teenager. I did sleepovers just fine, sleepovers entail sleeping either in your friend's bed, or on the floor in a sleeping bag right next to your friend. I think if a kid can't sleep without his/her parents at ten, it's not caused by continued cosleeping. There's something else stressing that kid out.

As for whether I'm screwed up, well, aren't we all on some way? I'm living on my parents' basement to save money right now, is that messed up? I feel like I'm pretty well-adjusted, and I have spent long periods of time sleeping alone, for 6 months I lived alone in a studio apartment, and one summer I lived alone in a platform tent (I was a camp counselor). I definitely prefer to sleep snuggled up with DH and DS.

Me, DH, and DS (9/18/10), living in a multi-generational household (non-pathetic way of saying we live in my parents' basement).
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#40 of 62 Old 04-04-2011, 06:26 PM
 
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I already wrote, but I just wanted to point out that my 5 year old feels confident about doing her sleepover at her grandmother's. It hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if she will have problems when she actually is there, but she says she's fine about it. I don't think we created a monster at all, and I think she'll be fine. Even kids who sleep in their own beds at home might have to adjust a little to sleeping at grandma's by themselves for the first time.

 

And as for people who got screwed up, I can't sleep with anyone... having never coslept. Isn't that kind of screwed up, not to be able to cuddle with your own husband at night? Oh, I can cuddle - awake. But sleeping, I can't touch anyone, or I absolutely cannot sleep.


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#41 of 62 Old 04-04-2011, 06:51 PM
 
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Do it :)  We at one time had a king size bed with a twin pushed up.  Now that my kids are 16,13, and 10 I enjoy our queen bed but when they were that young family snuggle time was awesome!

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#42 of 62 Old 04-05-2011, 07:25 PM
 
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Yet another "not crazy" here.  My twins slept with us every single night until they were just over 8 years.  Well, not every night, as they did sleepovers @ friends and grandparents, but if they were at home we were all in one family bed.  When I was pg w/ #3, we added a twin next to the king and moved our super-restless DD into that.  For a year after DD2 was born, the arrangement in the king was DD2, me, DS, DH, with DD1 in the twin perpendicular to the rest of us in the king.  And, no, they didn't fall asleep by themselves but had an adult with them to fall asleep almost every single night.   When they spent the night at grandparents, grandpa would lie down with them.  They moved out on their own but are still welcome in our bed and it's unusual for us to have only DD2 in there. 

 

I loved that time.  Sharing sleep was wonderful for us.  It gave DH so much more closeness with our children; otherwise, he's at work so much he barely would get to spend time with them.  And nighttime seems to be the time when they are willing and interested in talking.  We have our best conversations, with all the really important questions, at night when we *should* be asleep.  I suspect DD2 will move out far earlier b/c she wants to mimic the big kids.  It actually makes me sad.  I don't sleep well anymore with all that space!


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#43 of 62 Old 04-05-2011, 08:21 PM
 
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It wasn't until the kids and I moved into our current apartment that the 5 year old and 8 year old started sleeping on their own. I still sleep with the almost-3 year old, and probably will for some time, but up until last August, I had a king sized bed with a crib (drop side taken off) pushed up against the mattress. All four of us plus two cats slept in the bed together. It was very close quarters sometimes, and occasionally I found myself wishing for more room, but I kept it that way as long as I could. Now I am down to a full-sized bed for me and Lil' Man, and I know if I still had the big bed, DD at the very least would still be crawling into bed with me most nights!

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#44 of 62 Old 04-09-2011, 09:44 PM
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It sounds like it's worth exploring. Why not?

Have you considered putting the kids in one bed and you and DH in the other? My sister and I shared a bed for a while when we were kids.
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#45 of 62 Old 04-10-2011, 06:42 AM
 
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I sleep with my 3 year old and 5 year old.

 

I have a love/hate relationship with it... I love sleeping next to them, waking up next to them. I miss sleeping alone, waking up alone. They like to get right up against me to where I'm smushed against the wall or hanging off the bed. They stretch out, they lay in odd positions and angles, they crawl on the bed and find new sleeping positions, and consequently, I have to do that a few times a night too.

 

I need a king-sized bed lol


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#46 of 62 Old 04-10-2011, 07:39 AM
 
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DD is 9 (almost 10) and DS is 6.  We used to have a king sized bed (where we all slept) but went down to a queen last year (our king was super old).  Now, both DCs have their own beds in their own bedrooms, but still want to sleep in the room with us.  Our queen is too small, so they sleep on a futon next to our bed.  Sometimes DD will sleep in her own room, but lately she's wanted to sleep in ours every night. . .and that's okay!  We love having our family all together!


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#47 of 62 Old 04-10-2011, 09:29 PM
 
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Our almost 8yr old, almost 6 yr old, almost 3 yr old sleep with us. As do our dogs and cat. And we will add another babe to the mix in November. We have a queen and a double and a single on the floor and a loft bed overtop. Baby, me, 7yr old sleep in a row and 5 yr old and dh switch all over the place depending on where dd decides she'll sleep when she falls asleep. 

 

We have had odd nights where the kids want to sleep in their own rooms, and they do, and they are with us by morning. 

 

I love how cozy and snuggly it all is, and I love how I never have to worry for a moment b/c I can pat a bum or give a hug if someone has a bad dream, without ever getting out of bed. Eventually they will want their own space, although ds insists he will sleep with mama forever.biggrinbounce.gif I will miss them when they're gone, so I say, enjoy it while it lasts, and don't tell others if you're worried about their reactions. It's none of their business anyway.

 

 

 

 

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#48 of 62 Old 04-10-2011, 09:35 PM
 
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Our 6 yr old and 20 month old co-sleep with us.  Our 6 yr old starts out co-sleeping with his brothers but if he wakes up, then he comes in our room and gets into the "Big Bed".  We have a queen.  I would just do a queen with a twin on the side or at the bottom.  My friend has this swet up at her house - Queen and then twin along bottom and a little toddler mattress on the side (she has 4 kids that co-sleep).  I like how she has it.  Then she has bunk beds with a trundle in another room.  Good luck deciding the set up.  80% of the world co-sleeps, I wish people here would just be more accepting of others and what they do and let it go!!  What is worng with families sharing sleep??


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#49 of 62 Old 04-13-2011, 07:13 AM
 
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Our 5 year old DD has her own bed and starts out in her own room every night (we started doing this when she was 3-for anyone who is interested) she usually joins us in our bed sometime between midnight and 4 am, which is fine. She knows she is always welcome! Waking up in the morning all together is such a special snuggly time, I know we will treasure those memories. Any day now we'll have a newborn to add to the mix we'll have a co-sleeper attached to the bed but if he is anything like DD, the baby won't sleep in it much. We have a king size bed, I'm not sure how we are all going to fit, but we'll figure it out. :)
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#50 of 62 Old 08-21-2011, 09:15 PM
 
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So, what happens when one partner wants the 3 year old to sleep with them and the other partner does not. What do you do when it is a big problem for the one partner but the other refuses to give it up? What do you do when the one partner starts sleeping in another room so they don't have to sleep with the 3 year old? What then?

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#51 of 62 Old 08-21-2011, 09:35 PM
 
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So, what happens when one partner wants the 3 year old to sleep with them and the other partner does not. What do you do when it is a big problem for the one partner but the other refuses to give it up? What do you do when the one partner starts sleeping in another room so they don't have to sleep with the 3 year old? What then?

 

Er.....you talk about it together like grown adults?     

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#52 of 62 Old 08-22-2011, 08:38 AM
 
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DH put the girls mattresses in the front room side by side.  We sometimes sleep out there with them or one of us sleeps out there or In our own bed... ya know it doesn't matter.  It's all about how you guys need to sleep.  It's comforting and good for all to be happy in this situation.

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#53 of 62 Old 08-22-2011, 09:53 AM
 
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Co-slept with DS1 until he was nearly 12.  I just was extremely selective about who I mentioned it to (as I recall, "extremely selective" meant "nobody").  I knew in my heart it was fine and good for us both for a variety of reasons.

 

Perhaps if it makes your IL's uncomfortable they could stay in a hotel, or perhaps wait a decade or so (okay, I meant that to be sarcastic...but it's YOUR house and YOUR bed and YOUR family).  I'll be mad at them on your behalf.


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#54 of 62 Old 08-23-2011, 12:48 PM
 
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I have a cousin who slept in her mother's bed until she got married at 18. They never had a problem. 


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#55 of 62 Old 08-23-2011, 02:22 PM
 
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. when your inlaws come pretend the kids are only sleeping in their while they are at your house or something. aside from that though i doubt the kids will say anything.. not because its shameful but because i cant imagine when it would come up.


yeahthat.gif You could say something like "We're "camping" in this week," if you feel it is warranted. I find that the camping reference puts people at ease as it provides a socially acceptable context for bed sharing.


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#56 of 62 Old 08-25-2011, 02:51 PM
 
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Er..... obviously we have already discussed this and have discovered that we are at an impasse. Why else would I be reaching out for answers from strangers unless my partner and I were unable to come to some middle ground on our own?

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#57 of 62 Old 08-25-2011, 06:25 PM
 
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Er..... obviously we have already discussed this and have discovered that we are at an impasse. Why else would I be reaching out for answers from strangers unless my partner and I were unable to come to some middle ground on our own?

 

WHY is it a problem for one of you? WHY does the other person refuse to give it up?  Is there any way to address the problem that the one parent has with co-sleeping without kicking the kid out of bed altogether? Is there any way for the other partner to get what s/he values about co-sleeping in a different way?  If you've already had that conversation without a resolution, then pretty much all that's left is "Can I live with the way things are or does someone move out?" shrug.gif

 

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#58 of 62 Old 09-06-2011, 04:07 PM
 
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Sorry if this got posted already.  I slept in the same room until I was 13 because I was not ready to move out earlier.  I distinctly remember trying to sleep in my own room but finding it too scary at 11 or 12. 

My parents built a platform across their bedroom and put 2 large mattresses on it.  I shared on with a brother and my parents shared the other one with my other brother. 


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#59 of 62 Old 09-06-2011, 04:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sunnylady303 View Post

Am I the only one in the world who sleeps with her older children?


It probably feels like you are, only because most people don't talk about it. I have found that there are actually lots of families (even mainstream families) that co-sleep at least partly with older children. 

 

I would make sure that there is a separate bed for each of your children, and then have a family bed if that's what's working for everyone. If CPS is called because of this issue, you could easily show them that each child has their own sleeping space, end of story.

 

In our situation, ds has his own room with his own bed. He also has a mattress right next to our bed, if he chooses to use it. Friday and Saturday nights are special nights around here and he can fall asleep in our bed (or downstairs on the couch, and then he and dh have a "boys night" downstairs while I get the big bed to myself.... woo!). DS chooses to use the mattress next to our bed maybe once every other week (it was every day, but then he weaned himself into his bedroom). The rest of the time, he sleeps in his own bed.


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#60 of 62 Old 09-06-2011, 07:30 PM
 
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DH and I still co-sleep with our 6 yo DS for part of the night every night. He falls asleep in his bed while we are reading together and finds his way to our bed at some point. The reading before bed in his own room is a new thing. Up until recently, he would fall asleep in our bed and stay there all night. He's getting so big that I'm finding it quite uncomfortable but not enough to "kick him out". :) Love having my boy next to me!

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