Mommy why were you moaning? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: DTD options.
Buy a bed for the garage. 38 26.57%
Tell 10yo DD the truth. 105 73.43%
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#121 of 140 Old 09-01-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sancta View Post

And prettypixels - Yes, I bathe and put on underwear and wipe and all, but I don't involve my vagina for any of that. And when I was 10, I didn't either.
Pixiekisses.

I didn't think prettypixels would ask if you had a vagina or whatever.

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#122 of 140 Old 09-01-2009, 08:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Teenytoona View Post
This thread is amusing and surprising me. I'm surprised at how many people are grossed out by the idea of their parents having sex. Seems like on a Natural Family board, wouldn't we all be like, "yeah man, groove on padres!" I mean how did we all get here? Yeap my parents had sex, and now they have sex with my step parents. What's gross about it?

I guess my vision is just that people accept that couples have sex, not that only certain people should have sex. They ain't gotta be pretty, or young or anything in particular. And yes that includes parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Heck if older folks are GIO, I say more power to them!?
Teenytoona, I think that you and I and EdnaMarie are the only people on this thread to share those sentiments.

I am sorry that anyone was traumatized, grossed out or made to feel uncomfortable by the knowledge that their parents were sexual beings who had sex. And I can completely understand how that would color a mother's approach to this subject.

But I can assure you that not all kids feel like that. When I realized that my parents dtd, I thought it was pretty odd. Kind of funny, even. But not disgusting or icky. Just one of the things adults do to express love. My reaction had nothing to do with being a mammal or society, and everything to do with the matter-of-fact way the information was presented. And of course, that colors my approach with my own children.
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#123 of 140 Old 09-02-2009, 12:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
I taught sex ed. to my fifth graders who were 10 and 11. Most of them already knew about sex. BUT, that doesn't mean they knew all of the details, just how babies are made, etc. I'd get a few surprised looks when they realized just how that sperm gets to the egg.

I've gotta tell you though, I don't know if I'd feel comfortable saying you were making love if she's not yet up on all that stuff. I'd have the talk with her first and give everything time to sink in, and for her to ask questions. Until then, maybe you and daddy are kissing, cuddling and "massaging" - that's what feels so good. You can add more to the story later if you feel comfortable.

Some 10 year olds are surprisingly mature, while others are quite child-like. Go with your gut, but be as honest as you can be.
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#124 of 140 Old 09-07-2009, 07:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by transformed View Post

I know this seems obvious But I wonder in a historical context, I mean - when people lived in one room houses which wasnt that long ago, or tents, etc, how was sex performed? outside? LOL.

just curious....anyone know?

eta: I'll just call my maid to take my kids while my dh and I dtd. LOL.
i guess they didn't/ don't do it butt naked and with full vocals

or maybe some people get turned on
or just aren't bothered by children and other adults in the house/room knowing everything
They also often have/had childcare and could probably snatch more quiet moments than we can in 3 bedroom houses

Some cultures take a shower after sex/orgasm so it becomes really obvious as children get older (or for other adults where extended families are living together). There is no shame in sex, but it is still, in the moment, for the couple alone. Not shared territory. We can take whatever reasonable precautions to keep it that way, as far as is possible.

There is balance in everything. Being discreet isn't shameful. Being indiscreet can be, potentially, extremely traumatising for a child. The way we view these things will also be colored by how we grew up, how we felt when we found out about sex etc

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#125 of 140 Old 09-07-2009, 08:03 AM
 
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I don't think I would be making loud enough noises for my child to question. I wouldn't be comfortable telling my child that the noises he hears are mommy and daddy having sex. And I'm not a prude or anything, just that my sex life is not family business.

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#126 of 140 Old 09-07-2009, 09:05 AM
 
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I haven't read all of the replys, but I'd find a way to keep yourself quiet and maybe add some white noise to her room. When I was a little older than your DD, my parents had their bed against the shared wall of my room. Hearing them have sex was frankly the last thing on earth I wanted to hear. I ended up asking my mom to move her bed, which really embarrased her.

Just because a kid knows about sex doesn't mean they want to listen to their parent's do it.
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#127 of 140 Old 09-07-2009, 10:06 AM
 
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I just wanted to add- I was forced to listen to my mother and her husband having sex alllll through my childhood. Even before asking, I knew what it was. When I got around to asking about it/mentioning it, I was basically told Oh well, get over it, married people have sex. Um, yeah- but I don't want to hear it!

It is a show of basic respect to keep your private life private from your child. Doesn't mean you can't be open about sex, but there is NO NEED for kids to hear their parents DTD.

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#128 of 140 Old 09-07-2009, 10:13 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Teenytoona View Post
This thread is amusing and surprising me. I'm surprised at how many people are grossed out by the idea of their parents having sex. Seems like on a Natural Family board, wouldn't we all be like, "yeah man, groove on padres!" I mean how did we all get here? Yeap my parents had sex, and now they have sex with my step parents. What's gross about it?

I guess my vision is just that people accept that couples have sex, not that only certain people should have sex. They ain't gotta be pretty, or young or anything in particular. And yes that includes parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Heck if older folks are GIO, I say more power to them!

Besides, one day it will be you, people will shudder to think you have sex, and perhaps you will wonder what's the biggie, shouldn't everyone?
I think you're asking a lot in terms of maturity level of the child, simplicity of the parent/child relationship, etc.

It's one thing with an older, more mature kid who has an open, loving relationship with his/her parents and no negative assocations re: sex.

But that may or may not be the norm for most kids. I think for kids to have to learn to relate to sex, esp. in the beginning, in regards to their parents "doing it", is a bit off. It was for me, at least.

Your theory sounds great- in theory. But most people, hearing their parents DTD (even if on some level they arehappy for them) are going to be a bit grossed out. It's instinctual.

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#129 of 140 Old 09-28-2009, 03:57 PM
 
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I personally think you should share the details of sex with her, I think she's old enough and I had a mom who didn't tell me until I thought I'd hemmoraged and was dying. But, I realize this is highly personal and to some people very scary so I respect your right to wait if you honestly think its the right thing to do for your child.

I also agree with the poster who said that there shouldn't be anything repulsive about people we know having sex. I think reinforcing this cultural idea is damaging and off base.

I think soundproofing is good, having sex at other times (when she's out...etc) is a good thing and also learning to dtd quietly, perhaps on the fllor instead of on a bed which squeaks and bounces is a good thing too.

I would also say though that none of that addresses the issue of how to deal with your daughter's repeated questions. I would expect that her repeated asking implies that she knows something or else doesn't really trust your answer and is asking again to see if you'll be more forthright. I think she deserves an honest reply. Even if you're going to approach the sex talk I wouldn't do it with this question as an opener...its somehow awkward. I would however apologize for waking her or disturbing her sleep and tell her that everything was fine, you were having a good time and forgot to be quiet. I like the chocolate illustration the previous poster suggested too!

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#130 of 140 Old 12-12-2009, 06:27 PM
 
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we turn on the tv to drown it out
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#131 of 140 Old 12-12-2009, 08:56 PM
 
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I voted to tell the truth.

After all, children who don't want to hear about why Mommy was moaning, don't ask. So, answering her question isn't tantamount to you bringing it up and saying, "By the way, if you hear such-and-such sounds this is what's happening." You're just giving an honest question an honest answer, for crying out loud.

I don't think you need to give graphic details -- after all, I think most 10yo's have discovered that certain sensations feel really good ... I mean, maybe they are not all masturbating -- but, heck, it is even sexually-pleasurable to pee after you've been holding it a while ...

So, you know, kids already know about the good feelings even if they don't know it's "sexual."

Although, if my noises were waking up my children, I'd certainly find a way to stop waking them up. I agree that it's not considerate to be waking people up in the middle of the night just 'cause I feel like making a racket.

So far, the only time anyone woke up was not due to ME making noise -- but due to it being 4th of July. This was the earlier part of the night when both girls usually sleep soundly ... and some loud explosions outside our window woke my older dd (then around 8) --

"And she looked over and said, 'What are you guys doing? Are you doing sex?'"

And dh just said, "Yeah, you caught us" (and of course we stopped and hastily pulled our clothes back on).

She's known about sex since she was 4 and I was pregnant with her sister. She wanted me to explain it all in detail. She also wanted me to tell her when we were going to do it again, so she could stay up and watch us. I just said that sex is something private between 2 people, so we couldn't do it in front of her.

She has, however, seen cats mating, so that satisfies her curiosity somewhat.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#132 of 140 Old 12-16-2009, 07:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. What toddler doesn't know that? Mommy and Daddy together make a baby. Yes she knows that. She was 6 when I was pregnant with her brother I read to her from Dr. Sears The Pregnancy Book and she even felt him coming out of me. Please don't insult me by thinking she doesn't know these things.

It's the exact details of the physical act of having sex that I am having a problem with and even if she knows them that doesn't mean she is eager to listen to us doing it.
I feel that you should just stick with your motherly instinct. After all she is your DD and only you would know what to say to her. However, being that she is blind, she probably can tell the difference between a moan of pleasure and a moan of pain.
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#133 of 140 Old 12-17-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
So far, the only time anyone woke up was not due to ME making noise -- but due to it being 4th of July. This was the earlier part of the night when both girls usually sleep soundly ... and some loud explosions outside our window woke my older dd (then around 8) --

"And she looked over and said, 'What are you guys doing? Are you doing sex?'"

And dh just said, "Yeah, you caught us" (and of course we stopped and hastily pulled our clothes back on).

She's known about sex since she was 4 and I was pregnant with her sister. She wanted me to explain it all in detail. She also wanted me to tell her when we were going to do it again, so she could stay up and watch us. I just said that sex is something private between 2 people, so we couldn't do it in front of her.

She has, however, seen cats mating, so that satisfies her curiosity somewhat.
that's too funny
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#134 of 140 Old 04-29-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pixiekisses View Post
What, you don't pee everyday? Or wash? Or get dressed, put on undies, and kinda register that it's there?
That's what I was thinking about re. a 10 yo. girl. (And yeah, I should've used a better word. I get the miss-communication here.)
Just piping in to say that you don't pee with your vagina. You have sex and birth babies through your vagina; you pee through your urethra.

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#135 of 140 Old 04-29-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
I didnt learn the mechanics of sex until I was around 13 maybe I remember reading everything I could about sex and finally finding something that explained it in detail. I will talk to dd when I think it is appropriate but for now there just isnt a reason for her to know. She wont be dating till she is 16 and wont be going anywhere without me ie the movies with a group without me till then either. She may have heard bits and pieces at school but she has never brought it up.
Is there a reason for her NOT to know?
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#136 of 140 Old 04-30-2010, 10:26 AM
 
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I say tell the truth - but not in detail - I learned about sex at age 4 from a book my mom bought me while she was pregnant with her 2nd (where do babies come from?) She and my dad were always very open to questions about sex - they were 17 and 18 when they had me so I think they just were more open about stuff in general.

that said I *never* heard them DTD until I was an adult. I think a 10 year old probably has some idea, and sense she has such excellent hearing - and is around the age when most girls start developing - probably is just curious. If you haven't explained sex yet, do that first, and then just say, well, daddy and I were having sex and sometimes it gets a little noisy (like screaming on a rollercoater; you just can't help it sometimes) - but I don't thing she wants or needs a lot of detail.

Sex ed is funny - I took it at her age and one of the kids asked our teacher what oral sex was. Her answer: French kissing. And this is what I thought until I was a freshman in highschool -

I think honesty is always best when you can. but total honesty sometimes can be totally tmi!

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#137 of 140 Old 05-01-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by brightonwoman View Post
I didn't know what sex was when I was 10. I knew that sperm from the dad got into the mom to make babies, but I seriously thought they swam through the bed (thus the phrase "sleeping together" and the apparent shock about new pregnancies on movies etc...) I was probably early teens when I figured it out and then looked it up to see if I was right...yeah, I was a geeky kid.
That is adorable.
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#138 of 140 Old 05-01-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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I didn't read all the replies, but I would vote for finding a way to DTD quietly. As a kid, I remember hearing my mom and stepdad and it was just gross. I knew it was natural and all but still, no one wants to hear their parents doing that, especially at age 10 when you're just about to enter puberty and starting to wonder about your own sexuality. I don't think 10 is too young to hear the truth, either, I just think once she knows the truth, it might creep her out. At least it did me and all of my friends who had the same experience growing up.
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#139 of 140 Old 05-01-2010, 10:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
For most of human history, kids have been around, in the same room, while adults were having sex.
Sorry, but just...EW.
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#140 of 140 Old 05-01-2010, 11:02 PM
 
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Sorry, but just...EW.
but its true!!

it apparently still happens. i am working in china right now and i was asking a co-worker about cosleeping with her twins (they are two) and they still sleep all together... and she joked about making sure her kids were asleep so they could have some private time, and because they have small homes here... that happens most of the time in the same room.

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