Mommy why were you moaning? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: DTD options.
Buy a bed for the garage. 38 26.57%
Tell 10yo DD the truth. 105 73.43%
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#1 of 140 Old 08-26-2009, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope this is the right place for this post.

My 10yo DD asked me this, this morning... again. :

I told her I had a sore tummy... again.

Our house is really small and at times we have had to hide in the garage to DTD. The thought of never being able to DTD in my bed at night again until the kids move out is really depressing.
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#2 of 140 Old 08-26-2009, 08:17 PM
 
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#3 of 140 Old 08-26-2009, 08:34 PM
 
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"Sometimes when people make love they make noises like that because it feels so good."

Why wouldn't you say something like this? I'm assuming that at 10yo she knows about sex? Why even consider not having sex for years because your kids might know about it? I'm honestly not understanding what the problem is here.
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#4 of 140 Old 08-26-2009, 08:45 PM
 
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I'm with the PP, be honest. Eventually she will realize what those noises were and wonder why you lie to her. It's better to be honest.

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#5 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:06 AM
 
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I agree with the previous posters as well. I would have really appreciated that sort of honesty and respect growing up.
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#6 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:10 AM
 
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I think if you bought a bed for the garage, you're still not hiding it...it won't take long for all your kids to start asking why mama sleeps in the garage. :

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#7 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 10:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
"Sometimes when people make love they make noises like that because it feels so good."

Why wouldn't you say something like this? I'm assuming that at 10yo she knows about sex? Why even consider not having sex for years because your kids might know about it? I'm honestly not understanding what the problem is here.
My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
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#8 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 10:58 AM
 
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Unless she's homeschooled, she probably knows a lot more than you think about sex. In this day and age, I'd take the time to share with her the basics before she learns from someone else. Even if she's not HSed, if she has any friends, chances are the topic has come up. I'd make a date to talk about it right away, so she hears about it from you.

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#9 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:02 AM
 
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I learned about sex in catholic school at age 10 (reproductive education), so I would not be surprised if she knew something.

Otherwise, :

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#10 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:03 AM
 
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We are in a small house too and have found putting on something for them to listen to at night helps with keeping them from hearing us.

But I agree being truthful with her is better than hiding in the garage, where I suspect she will know something is up. The amount of details you give her is certainly up to you but yeah, I am pretty sure I knew what it was by the time I was 10.
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#11 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:15 AM
 
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Ehhhh, this is tough. I don't like to lie, ESPECIALLY about sex, but I don't know that your ten year old wants to hear your having sex. No matter how sex-positive and open you are (and really, I would think by ten most kids have heard about sex and I'm hoping they heard it first at home), I think it's healthy to keep your sex life private and it's also healthy to put some distance between your sex life and your kids.

Does your ten year old still sleep in your bed? Or is her room just really close? Our daughter's room shares a wall with ours. We found that even apart from sex, just our moving around or getting in and out of bed made enough noise to wake her because both beds were on different sides of the same wall. We moved our bed and hers to opposite walls and that helps. Do you not close your door and hers? Or wait till she's asleep? Could you put on white noise or wordless music in her room? Rugs? Something to absorb sound?

At ten, I am pretty sure she KNOWS what's going on and asking you about it is probably her way of letting you know she can hear you without having to say, "Mom, keep it down, I don't want to hear it!"
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#12 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:21 AM
 
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I didnt learn the mechanics of sex until I was around 13 maybe I remember reading everything I could about sex and finally finding something that explained it in detail. I will talk to dd when I think it is appropriate but for now there just isnt a reason for her to know. She wont be dating till she is 16 and wont be going anywhere without me ie the movies with a group without me till then either. She may have heard bits and pieces at school but she has never brought it up.

 
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#14 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:27 AM
 
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My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
I knew about sex from very early on, though only as an abstract concept obviously since I never saw it. So basically I knew that to make babies a man stuck his penis in a woman's vagina and then the woman got pregnant (I had several younger siblings and was curious). I had an idea that this was pleasurable, but nothing really concrete. I didn't think about it much, it was just an explanation for where babies came from. I think around 10 as I started to develop physically I became more interested in knowing about physical sexual functions, but it still wasn't a huge deal, and I didn't connect it to romantic feelings until I was a teenager.
I think it would probably be much less disturbing to a child to know that her parents give each other physical pleasure than to think that her mom is having stomach problems. That's just my opinion of course and every child is different. You could also leave out the sex details and say that you just feel so good being with her dad sometimes that you have to make a little noise, like when you're really happy.
Personally, when I was little I remember my mom buying pads at the store and I asked her what they were, only to be told that they were "mommy diapers". My mom was probably just trying to avoid telling me about periods, but I was very worried for her actually, because I thought then that she had problems holding her pee And I was too embarrassed for her to ask about it. I only realized much later what was actually going on.

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#15 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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My DH just has the "mechanics of sex" talk with my boys on a camping trip. They are almost 9 and 10. I knew from hints the older one was giving that these things are being discussed...I felt that dh should get the basics out in the open because the last thing I want to mis-information to the kids.

DH said the older one asked good question after good question..."Does the man pee in the woman?" "What are 'boobs'?" etc. He told dh he'd heard the 5th graders talking about liking boobs and didn't know what they were.

I think it's very important to not think of kids as younger than they are. I think that can get scary. That said, every child is different so it is up to the parents.

I just think so many parents think they're child is too young or would be shocked and a lot of times they've already heard some rumors or this and that. It seems easier to clear the air.

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#16 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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I vote for finding some way to DTD without her hearing you. Seriously, when I was around that age (maybe a bit older) my bedroom shared a wall with my parents' bedroom and I used to hear them DTD all the time. At the time I knew what was going on and I found it very upsetting. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, but I did. I used to lay in bed trying to will myself to fall asleep quickly so I wouldn't hear it. Of course now it doesn't bother me... no emotional scars or anything... but at the time I really didn't like it.

Just to clarify, I don't think sex is a dirty or shameful act and I know that in many cultures where the entire family sleeps in one room, hearing your parents DTD may be the norm. In the context that I grew up in, however, I found it upsetting and I think it would have been more respectful to DTD when I wasn't around - or at least more quietly. I know that if I DTD when visiting my parents I do it quietly.

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#17 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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I vote for finding some way to DTD without her hearing you. Seriously, when I was around that age (maybe a bit older) my bedroom shared a wall with my parents' bedroom and I used to hear them DTD all the time. At the time I knew what was going on and I found it very upsetting. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, but I did. I used to lay in bed trying to will myself to fall asleep quickly so I wouldn't hear it. Of course now it doesn't bother me... no emotional scars or anything... but at the time I really didn't like it.

Just to clarify, I don't think sex is a dirty or shameful act and I know that in many cultures where the entire family sleeps in one room, hearing your parents DTD may be the norm. In the context that I grew up in, however, I found it upsetting and I think it would have been more respectful to DTD when I wasn't around - or at least more quietly. I know that if I DTD when visiting my parents I do it quietly.
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#18 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Unless she's homeschooled, she probably knows a lot more than you think about sex. In this day and age, I'd take the time to share with her the basics before she learns from someone else. Even if she's not HSed, if she has any friends, chances are the topic has come up. I'd make a date to talk about it right away, so she hears about it from you.
My dd is homeschooled. She is blind and went to a blind school until last year. She has been pretty sheltered. She doesn't like to watch TV or movies, so she hasn't picked up anything there. She's not reading/listening to YA books yet as I feel she is too young for those. She has friends some are her age and some are younger.

My house is 800sq feet main floor. We have plaster walls and solid wood doors. We have both doors closed and run the bathroom fan. It really doesn't help that because DD is blind she has supersonic hearing!
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#19 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:25 PM
 
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Well, I'll just say I definitely knew about sex by age 10. No, I didn't have anywhere near of a mature concept of sex, but sure, I knew roughly how babies were made.

My mother went through menarche at age 8 (me not until 12, thankfully). While I think 12 is the average age, that still means girls can easily start their menses at age 10. Personally I think it's time to at least give her some books! Otherwise, how scared is she going to be if she suddenly starts her menses, and has no idea what's going on or why she's bleeding? I think a girl could be seriously freaked out.

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#20 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:32 PM
 
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My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
i knew what "basic" sex was (penis in vagina) and that it made babies when i was 4. i think 10 is really, really old not to know about sex.

ETA: i vote for white noise (your room or hers, either way should muffle the sounds a bit). but i still think you should tell her about sex, in general. she is just getting to the age where she needs to know.

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#21 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
I knew about sex wayyyy before 10 years old. My 3 year old knows about it, not specifics but she has seen me give birth and knows that her brother and her got put in there by her daddy.

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#22 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:44 PM
 
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i knew what "basic" sex was (penis in vagina) and that it made babies when i was 4. i think 10 is really, really old not to know about sex.

ETA: i vote for white noise (your room or hers, either way should muffle the sounds a bit). but i still think you should tell her about sex, in general. she is just getting to the age where she needs to know.
Me too my mom was very open about it and even read me a kids book "Where Did I Come From". I mean for us my DD is almost 3 and she's learning about female/male parts and that mommies grow babies and daddies can't but they help make a baby. This is all since I am pregnant, but I want her to know where babies come from.

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#23 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:47 PM
 
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My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
Well, yes. They do. My son knew about sex - the mechanics of it, anyway - by age 4. It came up when I was pregnant with his brother. By the time he was six he knew that it was something grownups do for fun, not just to make babies.

I think it's probably time to gently let your daughter know "the facts of life". If she hasn't thought to wonder where babies come from before this, wouldn't you rather tell her yourself than have her possibly pick up misinformation from one of her friends? In fact, I'd be extremely surprised if that hasn't happened already by now.
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#24 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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My house is 800sq feet main floor. We have plaster walls and solid wood doors. We have both doors closed and run the bathroom fan. It really doesn't help that because DD is blind she has supersonic hearing!
I suggest learning how to make very little noise while having sex and at a very low volume. Putting a pillow over your mouth might help. The urge to moan can definitely be stifled and can sometimes even spicen up one's sex life, I've found.
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#25 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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Could you encourage a new bedtime routine, like a book on CD, for her room? Also, do you have a TV in your room? Both of those together might help reduce the chance of hearing you too much.

I know you're doing the best you can. Even though I knew the mechanics of sex at a young age, I never thought about my parents "doing it" for fun. I thought they only needed to do that stuff when they wanted a baby. Since mommy got her womb out, then there was no more need for sex. Now I know

Also, could you get up before her for parent time before she wakes up? I know that morning isn't my best time, but I know you've gotta do what you can.
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#26 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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I'm with the PP, be honest. Eventually she will realize what those noises were and wonder why you lie to her. It's better to be honest.
Yes, this.

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My 10yo doesn't know about sex. Ummm she's 10. I didn't know about sex until I was 13 and even then I didn't know any details. Do 10yo usually know about sex?
Uh, yes? How on earth do you hide it from them? My now 1st graders got a sibling as two yo. so they of course asked where he came from. We started with the simple "he grew from an egg inside mommys tummy" things, but by the age of 3 they knew the basic (penis in vagina) stuff anyway bc they asked and we tell the truth.
A 10 yo. should know how babies are made, and I'd rather they get the truth, and facts, from us early on than hearing wild tales from friends or guessing.
We have some great books about the body and everything around too. (Including how babies are made.)

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#27 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. What toddler doesn't know that? Mommy and Daddy together make a baby. Yes she knows that. She was 6 when I was pregnant with her brother I read to her from Dr. Sears The Pregnancy Book and she even felt him coming out of me. Please don't insult me by thinking she doesn't know these things.

It's the exact details of the physical act of having sex that I am having a problem with and even if she knows them that doesn't mean she is eager to listen to us doing it.
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#28 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:26 PM
 
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Oy.

Can't you do both? be quieter, play the radio or tv at the same time AND tell her about growing up/ becoming an adult? She is about to go through puberty for crying out loud.
I have to say I do think that 10 years old is definitely old enough to know the mechanics of sex/ baby making. When I was her age I was sneaking romance novels. Perhaps she is trying to get you to tell her by *asking* questions, and I'm also pretty sure she can tell that you are lying about your so called stomachache....This would be the perfect opportunity to tell her your beliefs on sex, procreation and love. It doesn't have to be a dirty or shameful talk, and if you approach sex in that way it will be detrimental to her development.


And I have to address the " She doesn't need to know, she won't even be dating until she's 16." I'm not really even sure how that applies. Do you want to keep her in the dark until the absolute least second? Do you plan on telling her what her period is for when she starts it???? ( Which will probably be soon.......

My mother didn't date until she was 16 either, not one single date or boyfriend until she was allowed to date at 16.
Then she met my father, and I was born when she was 17. Just food for thought.

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#29 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:33 PM
 
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It applies in that she wont be doing it so dosnt need to know about it. DD so far is like her mom in that she has had zero development toward puberty. I will indeed talk to her about her period when she is probably 10. I just dont see the hurry if she brings it up I will tell her but as of yet it hasnt happened. Dd is a little slower I think than most of her age mates. It has just been a year ago that she noticed that I have hair on my body. She cannot read all that well or would have already gotten her books on puberty.

Every child is different and each one has different needs I dont judge others for teaching sex at a young age but it is not something that needs to be done right now in ours.

If I made it sound like I would be giving the talk as she walks out the door on her first date then I appologize that isnt what I was saying at all. I will tell her when she is ready to hear about it.

 
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#30 of 140 Old 08-27-2009, 01:40 PM
 
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Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. What toddler doesn't know that? Mommy and Daddy together make a baby. Yes she knows that. She was 6 when I was pregnant with her brother I read to her from Dr. Sears The Pregnancy Book and she even felt him coming out of me. Please don't insult me by thinking she doesn't know these things.

It's the exact details of the physical act of having sex that I am having a problem with and even if she knows them that doesn't mean she is eager to listen to us doing it.
I don't think any one was trying to insult you. You said your daughter didn't know about sex. We took your words at face value.

Ok, so she actually does know that a man and a woman make a baby together and that the man has a penis and the woman has a vagina. That makes your explanation even easier. All you need to tell her is that the one goes into the other. I'm still not understanding what the problem with explaining that is.

As a pp said, she will be going through puberty soon. And if she doesn't hear it from you, she'll hear it somewhere else. And I imagine she might lose a whole lot of respect for you when she figures out your lies about that persistent "stomach ache."
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