facebook "friend" comment made me sad...and angry - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I need to start by saying that the woman I will hereafter refer to as "Jane" is not my actual friend. She was a good friend of my husband's before he and I started dating, but they grew apart and I've only met her once since he and I have been together. Still, he found her on facebook, friended her, and she friended me, I guess out of a curiosity to see who he had married.
Anyway. She has a 9 month old little boy. Over the past 2 weeks or so, I've become upset by some of her status updates. They're all about leaving her ds to cry (ex. "ds will stay in bed until 4 PM, I don't care if he cries the whole time!"). Well, this morning when I checked facebook I saw the following status update and comments conversation:
Jane Status Update: Way to go ds! Only 15 minutes of crying tonight!
Friend #1: Are you letting him cry to sleep? I only ask because I used to work with sleep disorders.
Jane: Yes. He started crying so hard he would throw up his bedtime bottle. So now we don't give him a bedtime bottle and we just let him cry. It's getting shorter. We'll go in to pat him/comfort him periodically but not pick him up.
Friend #1: hang in there, it'll get better. Just don't bring him into your bed...
Friend #2: now i have to comment. neither of my children ever cried like that and i slept with both of them. babies need love and they need to be touched. you should at least hold him for comfort, rock him or something.
Jane: thanks ladies. we will do what is best for us and ds.

Ugh I feel sick just going over this again. That poor little boy!! Maybe I just needed to vent. But still, is there anything I can do? She's not my real friend so I'd feel weird sticking my nose into it. Plus she made it pretty clear to her friends that were commenting that she wanted them to butt out (although I feel she really only made that comment at the pro-cosleeping friend). But maybe she just really doesn't have a clue...This just made me so upset. I know in theory that people do CIO, but no one in my actual circle does it, so it's one of those things I don't really have to deal with...normally...
So, thanks for listening to me vent, and I'd welcome any advice if you have any!
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#2 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:17 PM
 
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There is nothing you can do. It is a philosophy that is widely practiced. Maybe it would help your stress level to purge your friend list.
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#3 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:19 PM
 
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That is heartbreaking, but I agree there isn't anything you can do. The mom obviously doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong, otherwise she wouldn't be posting about it on FB. I would either defriend her or block her status updates so they wouldn't show up in my feed.

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#4 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:21 PM
 
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blah...don't bring him into your bed WHATEVER YOU DO!!! But go ahead and let him scream and puke and not give him his bottle . That is all ok, but bringing him to bed is a no no. WTF??? I feel so sad when I hear things like that...so so so sad. I think defriending her is the way to go.

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#5 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:24 PM
 
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Truly heartbreaking
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#6 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks- I know that's what makes sense- to defriend her- but part of me thinks I should just start making all of my status updates things about how great cosleeping and ap parenting in general is for dd, me, and dh! But realistically, I know she probably wouldn't get it and I'd still have to read hers, so yeah, I'll probably just defriend her.
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#7 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:38 PM
 
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I have a "friend" on Twitter who CIOs his son. I had to defriend him. Just too sensitive about it, because I really do think it's neglect.

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#8 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kap728 View Post
Thanks- I know that's what makes sense- to defriend her- but part of me thinks I should just start making all of my status updates things about how great cosleeping and ap parenting in general is for dd, me, and dh!
Ha this is completely something I would do! But I tend to enjoy stirring the pot Prob won't change her mind, but who knows, maybe it will inspire other parents and parents-to-be!

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#9 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:44 PM
 
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I had something very very similar happen on Facebook.
A "friend" posted her update as something like "Anyone else have babies in the bed?"
I posted, "Yes! Both of them."
Another friend posted, "Nuh Uh. I believe the bed is for me and my husband. Baby has his own bed. I don't rock, I don't sing. He knows Mommy doesn't play that."
Of course we dialogued back and forth a bit. She winded up suggesting something called "BabyWise" (advocates crying it out, set feeding schedule among other things).
I shared that exchange with my best friend, another attachment parenting mama who commented,
"What kind of mother doesn't rock or sing????"
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#10 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 08:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ahappymel View Post
"Nuh Uh. I believe the bed is for me and my husband. Baby has his own bed. I don't rock, I don't sing. He knows Mommy doesn't play that."
Perhaps she should have gotten a fish instead of having a child since they require almost 0 work which seems to be how much she's willing to put forth.

I mean seriously, no rocking or singing? WTF is wrong with some people?
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#11 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:02 PM
 
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I actually had one "friend" (not really a friend-my sisters friend)-who said her son had been crying for 2hours and 45 minutes straight but she would not pick him up so he could learn- she then said "Oh the manipulation begins"-by the way he was only 10 months old....
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#12 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:07 PM
 
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You know what I would do? I'd "hide" her as a friend so I don't have to read her updates, but she doesn't know that. Then I'd post some links to great Mothering articles and maybe some of James McKenna's sleep studies and "share" them. That way you're not calling her out and getting into it with her, but you're letting her know (via your own status and links) the other side. You'd also be letting all your other friends know, too, so someone else might "share" your link. I guess it's fairly passive agressive, but I wouldn't be getting into it with a woman I hardly know. It might make you feel better and maybe some of your other FB friends will post some positive comments.

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#13 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lessmith23 View Post
Perhaps she should have gotten a fish instead of having a child since they require almost 0 work which seems to be how much she's willing to put forth.

I mean seriously, no rocking or singing? WTF is wrong with some people?
I actually knew the gal in HS. Not much of her. She's a weird one to figure out. She says she's a vegetarian but she posts about getting drunk.
Sheesh. Sounds like a walking paradox. Motherhood that doesn't rock or sing. Vegetarianism that doesn't honor your "temple" LOL
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#14 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:36 PM
 
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You know what I would do? I'd "hide" her as a friend so I don't have to read her updates, but she doesn't know that. Then I'd post some links to great Mothering articles and maybe some of James McKenna's sleep studies and "share" them. That way you're not calling her out and getting into it with her, but you're letting her know (via your own status and links) the other side. You'd also be letting all your other friends know, too, so someone else might "share" your link. I guess it's fairly passive agressive, but I wouldn't be getting into it with a woman I hardly know. It might make you feel better and maybe some of your other FB friends will post some positive comments.
How do you hide someone? I would love to hide a few people I've added.
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#15 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:40 PM
 
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No advice... just feeling nauseous.
I'm a loud mouth... I probably would have tore her a new one on FB, especially since she isn't anyone that really matters to you or your dh. It would accomplish about as much as defriending, except that you might feel better

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#16 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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I wouldn't hide her updates or unfriend her. If you aren't close and you aren't going to wreck a friendship I'd be commenting on her status updates. If only so that other people reading them see that not all people think it's okay to treat babies that way.
"Wow. That's really sad. "
"I can't imagine leaving a baby to cry like that."
"Rocking or soothing my baby has always worked better than leaving him to vomit on himself."


I've posted articles about how CIO causes changes in brain chemistry and the like either on my own page or in response to comments like that.


I try to be graceful but get the message across that what they are saying is very wrong.

Those are really hard things to hear. So heartbreaking.

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#17 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 10:15 PM
 
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Perhaps she should have gotten a fish instead of having a child since they require almost 0 work which seems to be how much she's willing to put forth.

I mean seriously, no rocking or singing? WTF is wrong with some people?
This.

I wonder if she was the one I saw who posted on a (non-MDC) message board that she wasn't going to breastfeed because she didn't want her baby "thinking that sucking on my breasts was the thing to do."

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#18 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 10:16 PM
 
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This.

I wonder if she was the one I saw who posted on a (non-MDC) message board that she wasn't going to breastfeed because she didn't want her baby "thinking that sucking on my breasts was the thing to do."
I often wonder what those women think breasts were made for? Dangly sex toys?

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#19 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 10:34 PM
 
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I would post, "I agree with Friend #2," which is good in that shows support for someone who has already been brave. I kindof figure if people are posting things like that on facebook, they deserve whatever flak comes to them.

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#20 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 10:54 PM
 
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To "hide" someone on facebook you just hover over the top right corner of their status update and a little "hide" button will pop up. I've hidden a few people who just posted really annoying stuff all the time like a cousin-in-law who constantly complains about her health or weight or boyfriend. I didn't want to "unfriend" her, but didn't wanna read it all the time. You can also "hide" all the game updates if you don't want to read about Mafia Wars or whatever. You just hover over the upper right corner of a status message about whatever app you want to hide and the "hide" button will pop up.

hth

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#21 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 11:03 PM
 
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I really sympathize--it is terrible to think that so many people do that to their kids (one of my sisters included--as her husband told me, not for philosophical reasons, but out of "laziness"). I have really had my challenges with sleep issues (for some reason it really pushes my buttons), but it is hard to imagine gleefully leaving the child sobbing...anyway, I don't know if I am allowed to ask, but can you tell me where I can find some of those studies about changes in brain chemistry? I would like to have some backup!

BTW, I like the idea about hiding the status updates and posting really positive stuff and updates on your page about co sleeping.
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#22 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 11:38 PM
 
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I have a friend on FB who was trying to get her 3 mo to sleep in his crib. She posted several times about the crying and how it was so hard on her and him and that she hated it. She got so many repsonses from people saying, "2thumbs up for ferberizing" and "oh, stick with it-he'll get used to it" or don't worry, he'll be fine-mine cried for 2 hours everyday for a week and then it was great". YUCK.

I finally couldn't take it and posted something like "Go with your gut on this one. It's too soon. He's little and it's hard for him to sleep alone. If he's crying, it's because he needs you."

She came back and responded that yes, it was too hard and she was going to keeping sleeping with him. I think she was relieved to have someone actually validate how she was feeling. It was so ingrained in her that she had to get him in his own crib or let him CIO that he really appreciated hearing that it ok that he didn't.

Anyway, sometimes our comments do get through.
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#23 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 11:44 PM
 
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I would take her off my friends list or at the very least hide her updates.

On another note...

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She says she's a vegetarian but she posts about getting drunk.
What does being vegetarian have to do with drinking?

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#24 of 44 Old 11-16-2009, 11:49 PM
 
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I would take her off my friends list or at the very least hide her updates.

On another note...



What does being vegetarian have to do with drinking?

yeah, that is something I've never heard! I know plenty of vegetarians that drink, smoke pot even, etc. Most are vegetarians for ethical reasons, some purely environmental (I'm not vegetarian, but eat very little meat due to just wanting to eat locally/friendly - I do eat meat from local farms when I do eat it) No one I know is vegetarian for health reasons, actually.

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#25 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 04:45 PM
 
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I think the OP brought up drinking with vegetarianism based on the idea of treating your body as a temple, and so found it ironic that someone would not eat mean to respect the temple and keep the body healthy, but then would "defile" it with alcohol, so to speak.
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#26 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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im a little too outspoken most days... but I would comment, "you let your kid cry until he puked? that is terrible! how would you like it if someone let you cry for help so hysterically that you puked? thats not even right."

and then continue fighting with them until they unfriended me :P

but... CIO- especially in this form is neglect... no way around that tidbit.

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#27 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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I have a friend on FB who was trying to get her 3 mo to sleep in his crib. She posted several times about the crying and how it was so hard on her and him and that she hated it. She got so many repsonses from people saying, "2thumbs up for ferberizing" and "oh, stick with it-he'll get used to it" or don't worry, he'll be fine-mine cried for 2 hours everyday for a week and then it was great". YUCK.

I finally couldn't take it and posted something like "Go with your gut on this one. It's too soon. He's little and it's hard for him to sleep alone. If he's crying, it's because he needs you."

She came back and responded that yes, it was too hard and she was going to keeping sleeping with him. I think she was relieved to have someone actually validate how she was feeling. It was so ingrained in her that she had to get him in his own crib or let him CIO that he really appreciated hearing that it ok that he didn't.

Anyway, sometimes our comments do get through.


I have done this a lot. I have friends from another more mainstream board and a lot of them practice CIO. Someone posted a message about Ferber and they're going to try it out. I responded, with as much empathy as possible, that I wasn't a fan of Ferber and that she might want to read No Cry Sleep Solution and "Why We Love'. Another member had a few weeks ago said something about not being able to let her ds cry it out, and I supported her and told her to follow her heart, and wonderfully she followed up my comment to this other woman by saying she wasn't a fan, either, and that NCSS had been helpful to her. But it's HEARTBREAKING I don't know what's up with people.

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#28 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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like if I said, I let my kid get so dirty that they get a rash so they learn to stay clean.

cps woudl get called sooooo soon.

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#29 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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im a little too outspoken most days... but I would comment, "you let your kid cry until he puked? that is terrible! how would you like it if someone let you cry for help so hysterically that you puked? thats not even right."

and then continue fighting with them until they unfriended me :P

but... CIO- especially in this form is neglect... no way around that tidbit.
perfect!!

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#30 of 44 Old 11-17-2009, 05:04 PM
 
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I would post, "I agree with Friend #2," which is good in that shows support for someone who has already been brave. I kindof figure if people are posting things like that on facebook, they deserve whatever flak comes to them.
This is also what I would do. A lot of parents I know are also in the CIO camp, it can only change if new parents and parents to be be hear from the other side.

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