My son is ten and sleeps in my bed - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
Snowygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rogers, AR
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi. My name is Patti and I'm new here. I was looking up "at what age is too old to co-sleep" on google and found this site.
Let me give you some history first. I "co-slept" with my son when he was a baby as it was easier to breast feed plus I worked full time so it was my "bonding time". Me and his dad were separated before he was born and divorced shortly after he was born. I was a single mom not pulling in a lot of income so most of everywhere we lived were one bedroom apartments. When he became 3 I found an affordable 2 bedroom apartment.
I tried all the tricks in the book to get him to sleep in his OWN bed. I got back together with his dad for a little while and we had him sleeping in his own bed(Well til he would wake up at 3:30 am and crawl in bed with us. I was usually up at this time getting ready for work most the time anyway.
One morning I got a call at work, apparently ex had left our son alone and gotten pulled over and arrested leaving our son ALONE!!!(He was pulled over for swerving all over the road).
Ever since then, my son refuses to sleep alone. Once in a great while I can get him to sleep in his own bed, but most the time I don't even feel like fighting it and let him sleep in my bed.
I see most of you have younger children on here. What I would like to know, is there any single parents on here that are in the same proverbial boat?
And how old is TOO old to "co-sleep"?
Thanks for reading!
Snowygirl is offline  
#2 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 11:31 AM
 
Ann-Marita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,590
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How old is "too old"? If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".

Our DD was still sleeping with us on a regular basis when she was 10. She still occasionally sleeps in the "big bed" (actually a king and a twin shoved together), especially if DH is out of town.

If it works for you and your child, that's what matters.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

Ann-Marita is offline  
#3 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 11:59 AM
 
JBaxter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 4,282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My older 2 slept w/ me alot whe we were going through my divorce from their dad. It was brought up in counceling. The only thing that my counceller mentioned was when boys get to a prepuberty stage they start getting erection and sometimes ( ok almost always) nocternal emissions. When they start in this phase of their development it can be very confusing to them to wake up next to their mom while physically arroused.

I did not kick my boys out of my bed during the times they needed me but I did that that into consideration. We transitioned slowly. Just something for you to think about.

My oldest is now 18 and its probably been 2 yrs since he showed up to lay down on my bed He used to be a migraine sufferer and if he woke up in the middle of the night he would come to laydown in my bed. Moms bed is default security And I'd have to go get his medicine

Jeana Christian momma to 4 sons Logan 18, Connor 15, Nathan 6, and bonus baby Jack 1
JBaxter is offline  
#4 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 12:05 PM
 
kay4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,085
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post
How old is "too old"? If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".

***

If it works for you and your child, that's what matters.
Ditto. My 5 1/2 yo dd has a bed next to ours and comes in our bed in the middle of the night. I wake up often to find my 8 yo ds with us too. We have a king size bed partly for that reason

Kelly,newly single mom of four wonderful children.

kay4 is offline  
#5 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 12:09 PM
 
jazzharmony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,011
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I can't imagine that anyone could make a case for "too old to co-sleep". Partnered adults usually co-sleep Look at cultures around the world. Family bed is completely normal and healthy. Americans are completely obsessed with (false) independence and focus on training from birth. There is no reason to follow that if the family bed is what works for your family. If it stops working for whatever reason, find a new arrangement that doesn't traumatize anyone.
Also, i'm certain that any therapist who has issues with it are bringing their own biases into play and that is highly unprofessional. I would switch therapists.
jazzharmony is offline  
#6 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 11:12 PM
 
rzberrymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,753
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post
If co-sleeping is still working for both the adult(s) and the child, I don't think there IS a "too old".
rzberrymom is offline  
#7 of 42 Old 01-02-2010, 11:52 PM
 
almadianna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: *clicks heels* There is no place like Stockholm
Posts: 6,073
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It seems like there have been some emotionally taxing events in your child's life... so it is possible that he needs you. If it works for both of you, why not?

I was 16 years old and occassionally asked my mom to sleep next to me when I was going through tough times and she did. Parents are sources of comfort and that is the way that it should be.

earth.gif trottin', pole dancing, Norway and Sweden lovin' , hippie.gif,WOHM Kiddos born waterbirth.jpg 12/11/06 and 08/09/08 
belly.gif with #3 puke.gif EDD:01/2013 yikes2.gif So in love loveeyes.gif with my sweet Swede 2twins.gif and my bonus-son 10/25/98 carrot.gif

 
 

almadianna is offline  
#8 of 42 Old 01-03-2010, 11:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
Snowygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rogers, AR
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for all the replies. It's just me, him and the dog. I had some friends giving me some static about it. Once in a while he will sleep in his own bed, but always ends up in mine. I figured he will sleep in his own bed all night when he's ready.
Snowygirl is offline  
#9 of 42 Old 01-03-2010, 11:44 AM
 
paxye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 2,914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DH slept with his parents until he was about 12-13... it wasn't every night but it was often and he had a space next to the bed on the floor (his little sister was in the bed with his parents) ... when he stopped it was his choice...

My boys still co-sleep most nights also (they start off in their own bed) and they are 7,5 and 3... we have recently put a small mattress next to the bed so that someone can sleep there because we have another one on the way and I need more space in the bed...

Oh, and a friend of mine co-slept with her mom until she was at least 15 and her mom got re-married... I always thought she was lucky because I wasn't allowed to cuddle my mom at night!

 
~paxye~
Mama to Xavier (July 02) , Colin (Sept 04), Khéna(Nov 06) & Wilhelmina (Jan 10)
paxye is offline  
#10 of 42 Old 01-03-2010, 12:29 PM
 
Sharon, RN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DS#1 is 10 and still co-sleeps occasionally- however, with the new baby, it made me nervous. We have all co-slept a few times, but DS#1 is all over the place in bed. (LOL Now that I think about it, he always has been, but he's so big now that it makes a difference!) So, if DS#1 and DS#2 and I are all co-sleeping (DH works nights, when he's home, it's only DH, me, and the baby) I get like zero sleep.

I'm not opposed to still co-sleeping with DS#1, it's just physically uncomfortable for me because of the way he sleeps.

Although, he does say he likes sleeping with one of the dogs, too. I wonder what that says about me?!?!

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

Sharon, RN is offline  
#11 of 42 Old 01-03-2010, 03:17 PM
 
Ann-Marita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,590
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Snowygirl, I have a theory that only children especially tend to stay in the family bed for more years than in other circumstances.

Some children find a new baby in the bed to be noisy, or too hot, and they move out of the family bed. Others have an older sibling to go sleep with, and move out of the family bed to sleep in a sibling bed, which eases the transition.

Again, if it works for you and your son, your friends' opinion is of no consequence.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

Ann-Marita is offline  
#12 of 42 Old 01-03-2010, 03:50 PM
 
TiredX2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: it appears to be a handbasket
Posts: 20,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD is 11 and "still" sleeps in our bed much of the time. As in, she didn't last night becasue she had a sleep over

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post
Again, if it works for you and your son, your friends' opinion is of no consequence.


That said, depending on how close of a friend you are talking about, I would probably not share that info with them. My best friends know DD still is in our bed, but for friends who are not as close (or parents of her friends who i am friendly with) I assume DD would be embarrased for many people to know.

 

 

TiredX2 is offline  
#13 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 07:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
Snowygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rogers, AR
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it mainly goes back to when his dad left him alone when he was 3. I know he probably woke up(Never fails, 3:00-3:30 am he always woke up to go to the bathroom and knew I left for work at that time. I'm retired/disabled and a SAHM now. So he KNOWS I'm always home and have NEVER left him alone. I mean other than dropping him off at school or a friends. He's spent the night at a friends house before. I thank everyone for their input. And here I thought I was the ONLY ONE who did this. We don't have a new baby or anything. He has his side of the bed and I have mine, the dog goes under the covers.
We have our own little ritual, bathroom, brush teeth, get our drinks(water for him, Pepsi for me), Animal planet or discovery on the TV. We have a body pillow between us. I use it mainly for my back. He pretty much stays in one spot all night. And as much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE the bonding! Before we zonk out, He'll tell me more about his day at school, things that happened, both good and bad. I guess it makes me feel closer. I know he's getting older and eventually won't want to "sleep in mom's bed".
I haven't really dated since my divorce. I don't want to be "one of those mom's" that seems to have a new flavor every other month if you know what I mean. I'm glad I stumbled upon this site.
Thanks again everyone!!!
Snowygirl is offline  
#14 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 01:59 PM
 
BrittneyMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When my parents divorced I was 14-15 and ended up sleeping with my mom a lot. Before that we'd have 'sleepovers' whenever my dad worked out of town. I think it's completely normal. My mother and I are very close.

Married to David since 2/16/08. Baby wearing, breastfeeding, bed sharing, delayed vaxing, cloth diapering, SAHM to Bella, my punctual little girl, born on her due date, 9/3/09
BrittneyMarie is offline  
#15 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 02:32 PM
 
almadianna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: *clicks heels* There is no place like Stockholm
Posts: 6,073
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Lets please remember the rules of this forum when posting:

Quote:
The Family Bed and Nighttime Parenting Welcome to The Family Bed and Nighttime Parenting forum. This forum is intended to serve this advocacy and support and encourage parents in co-sleeping, even through the difficulties that arise. When a parent posts here to discuss struggles with co-sleeping and asks for advice members should post with suggestions to ease problems and encouragement to support co-sleeping, not to advise against it. Posts of that nature are not appropriate. If parents come to a decision that their child sleeps better in his or her own space, discussions here can be in support of how to best parent such a child at night in a nurturing way.

earth.gif trottin', pole dancing, Norway and Sweden lovin' , hippie.gif,WOHM Kiddos born waterbirth.jpg 12/11/06 and 08/09/08 
belly.gif with #3 puke.gif EDD:01/2013 yikes2.gif So in love loveeyes.gif with my sweet Swede 2twins.gif and my bonus-son 10/25/98 carrot.gif

 
 

almadianna is offline  
#16 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 02:45 PM
 
Kivgaen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 429
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowygirl View Post
Thanks for all the replies. It's just me, him and the dog. I had some friends giving me some static about it. Once in a while he will sleep in his own bed, but always ends up in mine. I figured he will sleep in his own bed all night when he's ready.
If it still works for you and your family, then who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to say that there's anything wrong with that?

I am mildly concerned, however, with your statement above. I do not believe that DS will just suddenly say (with no help from you) that he's ready to sleep in his own bed now. If you are okay with that, then great! Enjoy the closeness of him sleeping next to you every night. But if your not okay with that idea... well, I don't need to finish that sentence.

Only you know what works for you. If it aint broke, don't fix it.
Kivgaen is offline  
#17 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 02:56 PM
 
paxye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 2,914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post

I am mildly concerned, however, with your statement above. I do not believe that DS will just suddenly say (with no help from you) that he's ready to sleep in his own bed now.
I disagree... (kind of like some people saying that if you never wean a child they won't wean themselves) I am pretty certain that at 20 he will most likely have different habits... at 10 a child is still very much a child, and sharing sleep with a parent or someone you love has no age limit IMO...

If I look at my DH's example puberty is what made things different and the choice was all his...

Whatever the age though, if the arrangement works for both parties, then outside opinions just don't matter...

 
~paxye~
Mama to Xavier (July 02) , Colin (Sept 04), Khéna(Nov 06) & Wilhelmina (Jan 10)
paxye is offline  
#18 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 03:00 PM
 
Kivgaen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 429
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by paxye View Post
I disagree... (kind of like some people saying that if you never wean a child they won't wean themselves) I am pretty certain that at 20 he will most likely have different habits... at 10 a child is still very much a child, and sharing sleep with a parent or someone you love has no age limit IMO...
We probably disagree on that topic as well. I also nudged my child in that direction when I was no longer okay with BF. I suppose, yes, eventually, it will happen all on it's own. The question is, how long are we prepared to wait for them to make that choice?

I suppose the main point is that as long as she's okay with it still, then there really isn't any issue at all.
Kivgaen is offline  
#19 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 03:27 PM
 
paxye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 2,914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
We probably disagree on that topic as well. I also nudged my child in that direction when I was no longer okay with BF. I suppose, yes, eventually, it will happen all on it's own. The question is, how long are we prepared to wait for them to make that choice? .
Yes, we disagree on that, we practice child-led weaning so the answer is for us "as long as they need it, whatever age that is." I agree that for some nursing past 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 7 years is too much but that is again personal opinion and not based in any fact.

For us it is about respect and doing the best for the child based on research we have done and what come to us instinctively. (not saying that you might not think that your way is best too, but we have different opinions)

 
~paxye~
Mama to Xavier (July 02) , Colin (Sept 04), Khéna(Nov 06) & Wilhelmina (Jan 10)
paxye is offline  
#20 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 03:36 PM
 
Kivgaen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 429
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by paxye View Post
For us it is about respect and doing the best for the child based on research we have done and what come to us instinctively. (not saying that you might not think that your way is best too, but we have different opinions)
We actually agree on what is "ideal"... but the idea (to stop co-sleeping, or to stop breastfeeding) has to come from SOMEWHERE. Where does it come from? Does it come from mommy and daddy? does it come from DS or DD's peers? It doesn't just happen out-of-the-blue. Kids learn what they live, and if they are only exposed to sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad (or in this case, mom and dog), then how could they think to make a different choice? Some kids would never just come up with the idea on their own, the idea that it could be a different way has to be initiated somehow.

But regardless of the Ideal approach, the "Best" is for mommy and daddy and brother and sister to be happy. So all of the research in the world goes out the window when that is no longer the case.
Kivgaen is offline  
#21 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 04:57 PM
 
morgainesmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Rochester, NH
Posts: 983
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My aunt was a single mother, and her daughter slept with her until well into her teens. If she (my aunt) had a boyfriend over, my cousin would sleep in her own room, but often I think my aunt would concurrently arrange a sleepover for her dd.

I thought it was kind of weird when I was in my 20s. Now, I have a 10yo (who seldom wants to sleep in my bed, because she hates sharing space with her younger brothers, but occasionally will ask if she can by herself.

My aunt passed away unexpectedly when my cousin was almost 18. I bet if she can look back in hindsight, she's grateful for that extra time they spent together.

At some point, it may not work for you or your son to cosleep. Relationships evolve and change. That said, I would not ever see telling my daughter she's too old to sleep beside me (or my sons) -- maybe that they're too big to fit in the bed; that they're too fidgety sometimes; too loud; whatever. But not too old.

I'm blessed to have a husband now who met my kids when they were 3, 5, and 7, and never had a problem with being squished into the corner of a queen sized bed when all the kids piled in. (Though we did upgrade to a king about the same time we got engaged, lol!)

I'm sorry for what happened to your son. It sounds like a kind of hurt difficult to let go of. He's lucky to have a loving mama to meet his needs. (Though the point about nocturnal emissions is a good one that I hadn't considered in my cosleeping thoughts -- we've still got some years to go!)
morgainesmama is offline  
#22 of 42 Old 01-04-2010, 07:20 PM
 
lookatreestar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 987
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my hub slept with his aunt in the same bed for a long time after his uncle passed away. she was like his mom, raised him from a year old etc. when we go visit her we still sleep in the room with her (only a 2 room house, one for sleeping, the other is the kitchen) :]

mama to one '07 and one '09
lookatreestar is offline  
#23 of 42 Old 01-05-2010, 02:32 PM
 
gbutterflykissesm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 365
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowygirl View Post
And as much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE the bonding! Before we zonk out, He'll tell me more about his day at school, things that happened, both good and bad. I guess it makes me feel closer.
I just want to say that this brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like such a nice way to bond with your 10 year old, especially when he may be reaching that age where he's so busy with his school and activities.

Mom of 2 feisty boys and 1 busy business --Tmuffin--where we help moms connect through birth, babywearing, play, and parenthood.

gbutterflykissesm is offline  
#24 of 42 Old 03-03-2010, 07:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
Snowygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rogers, AR
Posts: 8
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbutterflykissesm View Post
I just want to say that this brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like such a nice way to bond with your 10 year old, especially when he may be reaching that age where he's so busy with his school and activities.
Aww Thanks. He just turned 11. I'm kind of gently "nudging" him into sleeping in his own bed. It's a hit or miss thing. I laid next to him in his bed tonight and when I got up to use the bathroom and check my e mail he woke up and asked if I was ok and when I was coming "back to bed".
I'm learning all sorts of new things about him. I know that sounds weird as it looks weird typed out right now. But there's so much going on with him and he's a really cool kid to talk to.

Thanks again everyone for all the kind words and advice. I don't feel so weird having my son "co-sleep" now. I always thought I was the only one who did this. I know he'll eventually "out grow" sleeping with mama, But I'm enjoying the time and bonding with him.
Snowygirl is offline  
#25 of 42 Old 03-03-2010, 11:29 AM
 
incorrigible's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The Oregon Outback
Posts: 1,696
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I like to call the American parenting style "DEtachment Parenting" lol Don't worry about all those folks shutting their kids down then getting jealous of the loving relationship you have with yours. (I don't tend to catch flack for co-sleeping, or much else, but I imagine we can see why already, yes? lol)

Mine are 8 and 11, and we call our sleeping arrangements "Musical Beds." Right now, we only have 2 beds in the house because the 8 yr old has anxiety issues and WON'T sleep alone. *I*, on the other hand, am a bit of an introvert. Most of the time, I love co-sleeping with one or both kids, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming. I NEED to be alone! In that case, they'll sleep together and give me a night off. My 11yr old is hit or miss w the co-sleeping, though. He's hit an age where he feels like he SHOULD sleep alone, but doesn't really like to. We have both beds in one room, and that helps a lot. 50/50 his needs are fulfilled either sleeping in the same bed, or just the same room. Once a week or so, he moves out to the living room and regrets it. He wakes up in a foul mood. He says he "just feels so alone" like he's been abandoned or something. It ruins his whole day. (and everyone else's.)

Affordable organics delivered from GREEN POLKADOT BOX

Wife to jammin.gif Beast 

Mama to guitar.gif Crash (14) and hippie.gifSpritely (12)

incorrigible is offline  
#26 of 42 Old 03-03-2010, 12:13 PM
 
SunshineJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: In transition
Posts: 1,837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowygirl View Post
And as much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE the bonding! Before we zonk out, He'll tell me more about his day at school, things that happened, both good and bad.
I was raised by my grandparents, and though I rarely admit it outside places like this site, she slept in my room until I kicked her out at 14. The only reason I didn't sleep in HER room was because my grandfather snored something fierce, they had twin beds, and she was more than happy to sleep in my larger bed and quieter room! My grandmother has long since passed, and at 40 years old the thing I still look back on with great fondness is the bedtime discussions. There was no phone, there were no chores in the way, I knew I had her full attention - and there weren't distractions for me either. I could talk to her about anything, and that was always the perfect time to do so!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kivgaen View Post
We actually agree on what is "ideal"... but the idea (to stop co-sleeping, or to stop breastfeeding) has to come from SOMEWHERE. Where does it come from? Does it come from mommy and daddy? does it come from DS or DD's peers? It doesn't just happen out-of-the-blue. Kids learn what they live, and if they are only exposed to sleeping in the same bed as mom and dad (or in this case, mom and dog), then how could they think to make a different choice? Some kids would never just come up with the idea on their own, the idea that it could be a different way has to be initiated somehow.

But regardless of the Ideal approach, the "Best" is for mommy and daddy and brother and sister to be happy. So all of the research in the world goes out the window when that is no longer the case.
Do you think I didn't see how things were done when I visited friend's houses? Do you think that children's books never mention the kids own room, or that the media never shows parents sleeping in one room and kids in another? The idea of children and parents having different beds is so ingrained in our society that there's no way *not* to realize that's the norm. When I was 14, I began wanting to stay awake later than my grandmother and after a short time realized I was ready to sleep on my own. It completely did happen out of the blue, instigated by me.

OP, when I was around 12-13 years old, Gram was actually getting mildly concerned about our arrangements (I think my aunt was giving her grief about it). Something like a week or two later, she read a letter in Dear Abby about the same thing. Abby's response was that after leaving the house, the child would most likely live in a college dorm with a roommate, then later live in an apartment with a roommate, then live with their spouse so it really wasn't a big deal. LOL she loved having that as backup ammo - Dear Abby said it was ok, so it was ok!

Right now our ds (7 yrs) starts off in his room and is in ours by 1-2am. DD ends up in our room most mornings around 4-5am. We did wedge a double stacked air mattress between the bed and wall as there just isn't enough space for 4 of us in bed, but I figure they'll leave my room when they feel they are ready. Oh yeah, and the aunt that was giving my grandmother grief? Her youngest still came to her room once in a while through his senior year in high school!
SunshineJ is offline  
#27 of 42 Old 03-04-2010, 03:52 AM
 
chimomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I once knew a woman from Singapore who had always slept with her mom until she was 25. The reason she stopped was because she left her country to come to USA and when her mom came to visit they still slept together. So there may not be a need to "grow out of it" if that is what is thought of as normal. As long as everyone is comfortable with it, parent and child. For me being married, I hardly want my almost 3 year old in bed most nights and I think it would probably be bad for my relationship (with husband and children)to have the kids in bed that long, for me. I think if it is causing the parent to feel uncomfortable or resentful I don't see a problem giving the nudge, nudge, sleep in your own bed now to a child. I think if they sense you are uncomfortable with something and do it anyways it does not help the parent child relationship. That's why I personally believe that things like co-sleeping and nursing don't have to be totally child lead, but need to exist in a place where both parties feel it is comfortable and healthy for them. I also think many times the child may have outgrown a true need for those things but continues out of habit and wouldn't be adversely affected if they transitioned away from it gently. Each case is different.
chimomma is offline  
#28 of 42 Old 03-04-2010, 01:27 PM
 
425lisamarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: In the rain
Posts: 5,289
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is making me feel so much better. I have been not wondering if me sleeping with DS( almost 6) is ok, but just kind of annoyed by it. He still needs me to fall asleep with him, and basically he sleeps all night maybe gets up once in a while to pee. DD actually loves her bed (almost 4) but she's just always been that way. Even when nursing/baby/toddler she was "give me boob and let me be ." LOL.

My DS is so sensitive. HE looks out for mama, a GREAT big brother, very caring and always thinking of how to help people. I'm pretty sure he's not gonna be in highschool still wanting to sleep with me.

I remember climbing in to bed with my mom. Heck, as a teenager my dad traveling otu of town often and i'd sleep with my mom!!! We'd watch a movie or something, do homework or whatever and fall asleep, i loved it. No at 16 I didn't need to sleep with mom obviously, but we just never thought it was strange at all, it was like having a slumber party at that age.

DH works with ppl around the globe and has odd hour phone calls, so we have a strange sleep set up . We don't even sleep together because he is a night owl, sometimes works in the middle of the night for us, likle till 4am or something, then sleeps till noon. DD and I share the master closet, because I keep the other bed for DH in her room, she loves to sleep near daddy and sleeps later than me/DS. I'm sure things will shift, and we move things around as needed to accomodate everyone. but my kids are two of the most well adjusted happy well sleeping kids around!

It's good though, to be able to ask question here, and realize you are not the only one, YK?
425lisamarie is offline  
#29 of 42 Old 03-04-2010, 02:38 PM
 
Dr.Worm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by gbutterflykissesm View Post
I just want to say that this brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like such a nice way to bond with your 10 year old, especially when he may be reaching that age where he's so busy with his school and activities.
Yeah, me too. My DD turned 10 this month and bedtime is the closest time for us because we also co-sleep. The after school/evenings are so busy with homework; wii; whatever so at night it's so nice to cuddle together. It is the same way with us, this is the time she tells me things about school or asks me questions or I tell her a story. Our culture wants us to detach from or kids as soon as possible and then we wonder why we're not close to our kids when they get to be teens. I don't know if you have heard of Dr.Sears but he is a big advocate of co-sleeping and says the best place for a family to sleep is where everyone is happy.
Dr.Worm is offline  
#30 of 42 Old 03-04-2010, 03:52 PM
 
hakeber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bogota, Colombia
Posts: 3,817
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I still like sharing a bed with my mommy, if it weren't for the fact that I have my husband in my bed she would probably sleep with me when she comes to visit. When I was in labor with dd she curled up behind me in bed and massaged my lower back and I could have slept like a baby if it weren't for the contractions coming every 2 minutes.

I think we are wired to sleep WITH people, not alone.

Rebekah - mom to Ben 03/05 and Emily 01/10, a peace educator, and a veg*n and wife to Jamie.
hakeber is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off