I don't want to put my son in a crib and i don't want my husband to feel like #2, at night - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 12:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My son has been sleeping in my arms since he was ~1month old. We've been cosleeping because, as many of you mamas know, it makes it soooo much easier to deal with having to nurse in the middle of the night, (he nurses 1-3 times per night). But, because DH has been snoring since DS' birth i soon found it too hard to deal with the both of them. So naturally i have DH the boot into another room. I know that he understood why i did it at first, (DS will inevitably nurse, waking me up far fewer times than DH), but i'm afraid he's starting to feel a little resentful -- like i'm constantly choosing DS over him. On the one hand we both know it's true, i do choose DS over him because our son is only 6months old and he nurses. But i almost get the sense that he feels as though i would choose to sleep with our son and give him the boot even if DS didn't nurse. I'm really starting to get that vibe that our night time arrangement is starting to make him a little sad. He's even said that our son needs to learn to sleep in his crib but i don't want to do that -- he's only 6months old!!! Whenever he wakes up from his naps he cries but never does so when waking up in the morning right beside me. I can't stand the idea of him waking up alone and needing to cry to get attention. Plus it's a cultural thing -- in my culture, you sleep with your baby!!! I'm also so afraid that i'm not going to sleep light enough if my LO isn't in my arms which will result in me not being able to respond as quickly when he wakes. I feel so much anxiety over the idea of my son sleeping in a crib .

So i'm torn but i want my son to sleep with ME and my husband to sleep in another bed.

Have any of you moms or dads gone though this? How to deal?

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#2 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 01:11 AM
 
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with our 4 babies, we've done various things. We've had a baby in my bed and my husband in another room. We've done baby in a crib (she didn't like co-sleeping." We've done baby in a side-car crib with the last 2. I prefer the sidecar crib. It gets the baby into his own space, but close enough to feel connected. It also gives us room to be close to one another when the baby is asleep without waking him up.

If you husband needs to sleep in the other room for your comfort, then you need to find ways to re-connect. You can put blankets on the floor and hang out, or you can go hang out with him in the other room with a baby monitor.

Your baby is still very young. He's old enough to benefit from being in a sidecar. He'll sleep better and you may sleep better. (assuming that baby doesn't have to sleep right up next to you like one of mine did.) Both of my older 2 have been much better sleepers once I put them there. Put them into the sidecrib and pat them to sleep.You need to make ways to reconnect with your husband and make this whole parenting thing a wonderful journey together. Let your husband put the baby to sleep from time to time so that you can relax. That'll help him bond and help you feel more like a team with him.

Also, remember that after having a baby, the "act" often comes before the desire. That's certainly been true for me and other mothers I've talked to about this.

Lots of moms have been there. It's normal.

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#3 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 01:14 AM
 
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Well first of all i totally slept and nursed in with my son too. this is time you will never get back so cherish it because it goes sooooooooo fast! my hubby snores too and my son was never awoken by it and he slept with us until about age 3. this is your role as a mom and unfortunately men will always kind of be babies (not to bash them; i love my man but boy can he be insensitive!). im pregnant again and my dh still whines and complains that he isnt getting enough attention from me... i know that aaron, my dh, did feel left out especially with the nursing biz so i would pump and let him have some time feeding the baby. i dont know if your working, i had to so i pumped during the day at worked but they were able to have thier special time together and it really seemed to help him find a bigger role. i kind of feel like the dads role is to support mom until the babies get a little older and that can be hard for them to accept. but now that our son is 5 he feels like he has had way more of an equal stance in the parenting. so i guess my suggestion is that dad needs to feel like he is more active and you may have to get creative to find out what that little thing can be. for us it was little things like opportunities to feed him, bathe baby whatever he needs to have that direct role. then maybe he wont feel so left out and can be more supportive to you. we have to be the ones to not only parent a baby but find the bridge that makes it all work fluidly. we are like the sun that the house revolves around! good luck and like all things, especially with little ones, this too shall pass...
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#4 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 01:21 AM
 
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def try a side carred crib

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#5 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 01:40 AM
 
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my DH stayed in bed with us with our first child. With the second, he went to a different room to sleep. I don't recommend it. Our marriage has never really recovered. If I could do it again, I would sidecar the second baby.
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#6 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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So...you asked your husband to sleep in another room because his snoring was making it difficult for you to fall back asleep? Is that right? I would say that issue needs to be addressed rather than equating it with the baby.

If it was me, I would tell my dh that I loved him very much and want to share our nights as a family but that his snoring makes it difficult for me to fall asleep. I would then ask him to help me figure out what exactly is causing the snoring and what we might do to rectify the situation. I would also try to have special time with my husband to make certain he felt loved. It isn't necessary to leave your baby to do that - back rubs, cuddling, hugs and kisses throughout the day, etc.

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#7 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 11:21 AM
 
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Dh has been sleeping on the couch for awhile now. I hate it - he doesn't seem to mind it. But we have made it work by talking about it on a regular basis & figuring out a long term plan together. This is a temporary thing (actually ending now). We both agreed together that the best thing for everyone to get the most & best sleep possible was for us to continue on until ds was sleeping solidly at night, which he started doing about 2 weeks ago. We are in the transition of having ds sleep in his own room & bed now & then dh will move back into our room. But I do think that discussing the long term plan regularly helped keep us both on the same page & feeling ok about the situation.

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#8 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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I did the same thing after DD2 was born, DH was snoring, he kept waking me up when the baby was actually sleeping, so out he went. He didn't like it sleeping apart, he complained bitterly about it actually. I made sure that he knew it was not him that I was pushing away, he equated that being married= must sleep together and if we weren't then something was wrong. I have to admit that I did all the extra stuff, making sure we had our time at night, etc... he still didn't really understand and continued to push for us to sleep together. We slept apart for 2 years and then I moved him back into the bedroom. That next morning, he asked when he could go back to his room. He finally realized that even he slept better when there was less people in the room. We have separate rooms again, and we have both agreed that this is the way it is going to be until he has to give up his room. We have a 3 bedroom house and 3 kids so he can't keep his room forever!

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#9 of 14 Old 04-04-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post
def try a side carred crib
Yes, baby in own space. Hubby can spoon up to you all he likes.
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#10 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 12:34 PM
 
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my kids got used to the snoring. There were a couple nights here and there that I would send my husband to the other room but most of the time it was ok that he snored.

About the husband getting the boot, well it is really normal. Mike knew he was getting the boot and has taken it well. He understands that my children's needs to come before his wants for a while... they even come before my wants for a while... this time passes by too fast and you will have ample time together after the kids get older.

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#11 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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If it really is just his snoring that is the issue, I would address that. Snoring can be the sign of several underlying health issues. Has he seen a doctor about it? Would he if you pushed? What has he tried to stop snoring? For my DH, it was mostly allergy related and a perscription nasal allergy inhaler worked wonders. On nights when he is really stuffed up he will also take an over the counter allergy med and the two together keeps the snoring down to a controllable thing.
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#12 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 04:01 PM
 
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My DH's snoring is what gets him kicked out of our family bed more nights than not. He's going for a sleep study FINALLY b/c I cannot take it anymore!
He has slept on the couch for about a year. At first it was b/c Nora was waking up a ton at night, then it was b/c we just couldn't figure out how to all fit comfortably in a queen -- and then after all THAT calmed down, his snoring was just too, too much.

I say send him to an ENT and have him checked out, and follow up w/a sleep study.

That aside, your DH is a grown up, and your son is 6 months old. Your son, at least in my opinion, DOES come first. To you, at least. I mean, sure, I too hate that my DH feels a bit lonely when he isn't sleeping in the room with us, but he's an adult and knows what to do with those feelings. I would feel worse putting a 6 month old (or younger) baby in a room by him/herself, alone and lonely.

Make time for you and your DH. Go out on dates, kiss, make love. Laugh together. Nurture your relationship during the day so that if you guys HAVE to be apart at night, he knows it's just for practical sleep related issues, and doesn't start to feel like you are "choosing" your son over him.

A great book to read is Love in the Time of Colic -- it's really good in helping you learn how to reconnect w/your partner (and even have sex again) after having a baby.

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#13 of 14 Old 04-05-2010, 11:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We can't figure out why he started snoring. Our guess is either that he's overtired and/or it's related to all the weight he's gained. He believes it's the latter and is actively trying to lose weight; he's lost ~8lbs and has about 20 more to go, which is going to take a while. In the meantime, i'm cranky and utterly exhausted from him being back in the bedroom. I'm so tired i actually wanted to throw something at him after we got into a disagreement tonight. The only thing that stopped me is that our son was right there staring at us.

Well, we considered the sidecar thing but the way the crib is built, we can't do it. The only way to cosleep is to have my son in the same bed really. And i tend to side with the notion that my husband needs to suck it up, think about just how exhausted i get when he's in the bedroom, and leave to another room!

Aside from this night time issue, we're fantastic with each other and he knows how much i love him.

But i think i'm additionally so angry about this issue because i think deep down he really believes that the baby now belongs in the crib. Urgh, the idea just pisses me right off. He doesn't wanna sleep alone, so why the hell does it seem ok for a 6month old to?

I need sleep...

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#14 of 14 Old 04-06-2010, 01:18 AM
 
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Those breathe right strips can be a lifesaver. My husband likes to be part of the family bed,, and when he starts snoring those things really help...getting him to use it can be more difficult at times though.
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