Is crying with daddy still too mean?? - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-15-2010, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi mamas,


My dd is a year old and is an avid night nurser. I am not ready to nightwean but I do want to get her off my nipples all night long. She does not eat at night, simply needs to suck as she sleeps ALL NIGHT LONG. Once she is down for the night, I cannot move. I cannot pee or get out of bed unless I want to risk waking her and making her cry. I know she is not eating because she never even causes me to let down and I neve hear her swallowing. Is it too mean to nurse he in the night just in case she is hungry and then pass her off to dh's side? I hate to hear her cry which is why I am in this position but sometimes I feel that being parented back to sleep by her loving daddy is really not that bad. I always give in and put her back to my breast but now that summer is coming, I would really love an hour in the evenings to myself. Is that too much to ask?? It has been a year like this and I feel I deserve a little me time. I just need some physical space at night to get comfortable. So, wise mamas, wwyd? Just suck it up until I am ready to nightwean or let dh take over?
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:41 PM
 
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Absolutely not. Crying while in the safe, loving arms of a parent is a far cry from CIO. It might feel mean but sometimes it's gotta happen.

That said, while you're still in the room, your DH has a pretty slim chance of being able to settle you LO.

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Old 06-15-2010, 10:02 PM
 
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No. It's attachment PARENTING not attachment MOTHERING. I didn't get that until I had my second. This time around, dh is way more able to comfort dd2--mostly because I let him.

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Old 06-15-2010, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by MujerMamaMismo View Post
Absolutely not. Crying while in the safe, loving arms of a parent is a far cry from CIO. It might feel mean but sometimes it's gotta happen.

That said, while you're still in the room, your DH has a pretty slim chance of being able to settle you LO.
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Old 06-15-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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I decided a long time ago I wasnt going to be the one to do all the nighttime parenting. I have let DH put the baby to sleep (without me in the room) since she was 6 months old. We coslept and she did cry herself to sleep in his arms at first, but she soon came to realize that daddy was just as good as mommy. I think its healthy to let dads in on it. Sure they cant use their boobs as a night time tool but they have other resources. I did my fair share of nighttime nursing but sometimes she wouldnt fall asleep right away and thats when I let DH take over.

Me(33), Mama to a crazy DD (6), Wife to a wonderful mountain man(32) BF my babe for 2 years
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Old 06-15-2010, 10:39 PM
 
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It is 100% fine in my book, he is her parent as well. But around here it went MUCH better when I left the room and slept on the couch during those times. Climbing over Daddy for Mommy is not fun... but if I leave the room he settles for Daddy.

Just my personal opinion, but I think it's important to include Daddy in the putting to sleep and getting back to sleep process from the very beginning. It makes things so much more flexible and then the baby knows multiple ways to be soothed. That said, at about a year I transitioned to Daddy doing much more than me at night when we started nightweaning. He's now sleeping 14 hours straight with just one 5AM nursing wake-up.
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Old 06-15-2010, 11:12 PM
 
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I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for DH helping with nighttime. In fact, since about 2 months ago, he does all the nighttime parenting! We slowly introduced him about a year ago to nighttime, sort of by accident, and he has been putting DS to sleep since. I nightweaned between 18-19 months due to pregnancy, and then we moved DS to his own bed and DH attends to him when he wakes. He has gone from waking every 1-2 hours, to sleeping 8 hour stretches almost every night.

You definitely deserve some "me" time! Your babe is old enough to understand that Daddy loves her and is there to soothe her too. Also, for the constant night nursing, I would try the "Pantley Pull-off Technique." Keep trying it until you are able to nurse her when she wakes and then unlatch her. We did this in combination with Jay Gordon's nightweaning technique and it worked wonderful with just a little fussing and no tears. I have been where you are, and it sucks. But it will get better!!

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Old 06-16-2010, 12:10 PM
 
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Nope, we do it! And DS sleeps better as a result. I put a twin mattress on the floor by my side of the bed and I'll nurse him for a little while and then slip down. If he goes to sleep while nursing, great. If he's still awake Daddy hums and holds him until he goes down. We've actually found that, after a week or so, he goes to sleep FASTER with Daddy.

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Old 06-16-2010, 12:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kdescalzi View Post
sometimes I feel that being parented back to sleep by her loving daddy is really not that bad.
You're right. Let him share in the parenting, it does not mean your child is being abandoned, because a parent is there comforting. And you need to take care of yourself, too, so that you can be a good happy mom.

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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Old 06-19-2010, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all the great replies. I still feel so bad when I know she just wants to nurse back to sleep. My dh tries really hard but when she is hell bent on nursing nothing he does can calm her down. Isn't it mean to not offer her the breast? or am I just being a little too soft about this??
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Old 06-20-2010, 01:03 AM
 
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If you feel like she still needs some of the nutritional benefits of night nursing, you might like to try a modified version of Jay Gordon's nightweaning method. Perhaps, instead of his suggested 7hr no nursing window, you could do 5hrs? You may just find that once the nursing all night habit is broken, you DC will wake less and less anyway.

I know it feels really mean and horrible but my experience is that it only takes a few nights of the crying with DP for them to get used to it...and generally, the tears are because they're mad as opposed to sad.

Sleep for Mama is a very good thing.

One gorgeous solstice babe 12/08, two smitten mothers - mothering consciously with conscience and compassion. Birth & Postnatal Doula. Student Midwife. Expecting #2 November '12.

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Old 06-21-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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I had the exact same problem. I just couldn't stand to hear her cry like that when I knew a boob would solve all her woes.

Around 12 months she started occasionally popping off the boob all on her own after about 1/2 an hour of nursing. She still woke frequently to find a boob, and then repeat the pattern, so she's be nursing for 1/2 an hour, off for 1/2 an hour to an hour, back on for 1/2 an hour... This went on for a couple of months.

At around 14 months I was able to slip out of bed after her initial pop off. I could be up for an hour or so before she cried and I'd go back to bed. The freedom of finally having an hour that was baby free was fantastic!

At about 16 months she started going back to sleep without a boob! And she was sleeping for longer periods without interruption. Now she is 17 1/2 months and we are starting to night wean. We have her sleeping in her own bed instead of with us as of three weeks ago.(there were other issues too that made co-sleeping no longer viable) DH has been slowly taking over the night wakings.

Last night... I got FIVE HOURS of sleep.. IN A ROW!!!! I went in and nursed her for a while, then handed her off to DH and went back to my bed... and slept for THREE MORE HOURS!

Tonight we are going to try no nursing at all from the time I nurse her to sleep initially 'til morning. Wish us luck!

Just thought you should know that even if you continue to be her pacifier, it's not necessarily a permanent thing. There is hope!

Married to an Ogre, Mother of Danora Rose 12/31/2008 and missing Evan Michael 12/31/2008 Expecting someone new 7/11/2011
 
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:26 PM
 
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DS screams, I mean SCREAMS, when DH tries to parent him back to sleep lately. We are going to try and partial night wean (maybe ~ 12-5 or so) and are very discouraged that he will scream hysterically with DH. It makes DH feel bad and subsequently he loses his patience and temper a little which upsets DS more. SO I think that others have given good advice- you need to be out of the room. DS does best when I am not an option and he is in his most comfortable night-time spot- our bed. We will start this process in a few weeks. I don't think it is wrong to let them cry in dad's arms, but I have a hard time hearing DS hysterical so we have not had any progress yet because I always cave and nurse him. But my DS is 11 mo and may not be ready yet. Good luck!

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Old 06-23-2010, 11:08 PM
 
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I think that the important thing is to be as consistent as possible. Maybe your husband could parent for a certain few hours every night so that you could get some solid sleep. Babies are so adaptable! I bet if you stuck to a consistent schedule that your baby would become ok with it.
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Old 06-23-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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Sleep is a biological necessity for you, not a luxury. It doesn't merit causing an infant feelings of abandonment, however, crying in daddy's arms is not that.

I also have experience with this- the younger the better. She's not going to start by herself later. Don't feel bad about your husband parenting, even if she does cry for a few days.

Good luck. It's so hard.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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