My daughter doesn't like my husband! - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
alannanoelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For the past several days, my 9 week old daughter has been extremely upset, crying and screaming whenever my husband tries to hold her or interact with her. He, of course, is terribly hurt by this. I'm really the only person who can hold her and console her. He thinks this is because I am not only with her all day, but because I cuddle with her all night long. He thinks we should wean her from cosleeping soon because of it. Do you think that our cosleeping could be causing this problem?

Mommy to Samantha 5/6/10
Co-sleeping / Breastfeeding / Cloth Diapering
alannanoelle is offline  
#2 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 12:19 PM
 
Annie Mac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
To answer the question simply: no.

To answer it in more detail: I doubt your 9 week old baby dislikes her father. Of course, I don't know anything about you or your dynamic, but the first thing I would want to know is how does your husband feel about the new baby and how do YOU feel about your husband and the new baby and your new mommy role? Does your husband maybe feel a little out of his depths with a new baby? What are you doing in response to that? Are you reacting with tension? If so, you've got two tense parents and of course the baby will cry. Do you have specific expectations when it comes to how your husband responds to the baby? Is there any chance he's getting the "you don't know how to do this correctly, only *I* do" vibe from you? It's true that only you can feed her (and that's not even a given) , but he's capable of everything else, and should learn to feel comfortable with those roles. To bring it back to co-sleeping, maybe he should cuddle a bit with his daughter. I bet he'd like it.

He probably also feels left out, what with you involved with baby 24-7, and maybe that also produces tension in him and may be why he wants baby out of the bed. Would he be open to talking to you about his feelings? Because that may help come up with solutions, if that's the problem.
Annie Mac is offline  
#3 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 12:32 PM
 
Tway's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 368
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh! My DH just said to me yesterday "Remember that time when DD didn't like me?" and he laughed about it. It was way back when she was about 2 or 3 months old, and it lasted for just a few days. He'd pick her up and she'd just cry and cry. It's just a phase. Now, at almost 9 months, she squeals and holds out her arms when we go out to meet him as he comes home from work.

Our babies go through all kinds of weird and inexplicable phases--we just have to hang in there and vent when we need to!

Woman, Wife, Mom to beautiful DD (10/14/09), Copywriter, occasionally tearing my hair out but usually pretty happy about it all
Tway is offline  
#4 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 04:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
alannanoelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Until lately, they've had a great relationship. She used to get excited when he would come home, and she loved their play time together. She did just get her vaccinations the other day, so I'm hoping that she is taking out all her fussiness on him. I really hope it's just a phase that will pass very quickly!

So far we haven't left him to babysit for her while I am out. He is afraid that if I am not there, he will be stuck letting her CIO until I get home. I'm afraid that if he does that, she will learn not to trust him, that he won't be there to comfort her. The idea of him having her CIO just horrifies me and makes me so sad, I don't want to have to leave her with him. I really hope this is just a short phase!!!

Mommy to Samantha 5/6/10
Co-sleeping / Breastfeeding / Cloth Diapering
alannanoelle is offline  
#5 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 05:34 PM
 
Annie Mac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alannanoelle View Post
So far we haven't left him to babysit for her while I am out. He is afraid that if I am not there, he will be stuck letting her CIO until I get home. I'm afraid that if he does that, she will learn not to trust him, that he won't be there to comfort her. The idea of him having her CIO just horrifies me and makes me so sad, I don't want to have to leave her with him. I really hope this is just a short phase!!!
Is it really considered CIO if dad is there to comfort her? I'm assuming he wouldn't just toss her in a crib or a carseat and close the door on her. He can walk around with her, rock her, make shushing noises, take her out in the stroller, take her for a drive...any number of things. I'm just saying this in case this is something you *want* to do. I totally understand not feeling any need or desire to leave your baby. Even with your husband
Annie Mac is offline  
#6 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 05:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
alannanoelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think he just doesn't know what to do with her. It would probably be good for him to stay with her so he can learn how to comfort her. He's just at the point where he wants to give up and put her in the crib. If she gets over this fussiness soon, I'd like to give him a couple of hours with her. But until then, I feel like I need to be with her!

Mommy to Samantha 5/6/10
Co-sleeping / Breastfeeding / Cloth Diapering
alannanoelle is offline  
#7 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 07:30 PM
 
theoldmommers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 357
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Have your DH watch The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD. I just watched it and implemented the soothing techniques right away. It was great! First afternoon where neither of us had to carry DD (5w) around all afternoon to prevent crying. It's short and specific about how to soothe. He'll feel like a genius when he gets your baby to settle and will give him something to fall back on when he's alone with her. I got it out of the library - no fee!

Jezza, wife to T, oldmommers to E (7), A (4mos.) and three kitties
theoldmommers is offline  
#8 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 07:37 PM
 
Jaesun's Dad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
(unsolicited male perspective)

Quote:
So far we haven't left him to babysit for her while I am out.
He's her dad, not a babysitter, right? anyway ..... I digress ..

He should suck it up and spend some 1:1 time with her.

We were cosleeping for the first couple months, but as is the way of things in my rather unusual circumstance my partner and I aren't sleeping in the same bed ourselves, so my son sleeps with mom and I get the lonely bed.

Every night though I spend several hours with him usually alone just the two of us. Sure he gets upset some days and I have to hold him and rock him and soothe him. Sometimes I'll put on the baby carrier and walk around if he's being really fussy. If it seems like he is tired I might put him in the stroller and push him around the block (my version of driving around the block, I prefer to leave the car in the garage and get some air).

Most of the time though we have fun! Probably a unique and different experience for him: dad time vs mom time. I read to him, sing and play musical/rhythmic games and such. We do a lot of silly things that make both of us giggle. He's a great kid and I'm honored to share these early months of his life with him.

My partner cosleeps, and I haven't slept with either of them in months but my son will fall asleep in my arms, especially fall asleep if I'm wearing him, likes to cuddle with me when he's in a cuddly mood and I can tell he loves me. You daughter loves her daddy too, she's very young and they have to just learn to interact together in a way that makes them both happy and content. I truly do not believe that co-sleeping is the issue in your situation, but rather one of comfort. Mostly the comfort your husband has with his child. The only way to work on that is to throw the two of them together and let them work it out.

Nine weeks is still very young but I think the right approach is not to have them avoid each other. He does need to figure it out. If he just puts her in a crib (not an option for me, we don't own one) then he's not trying enough but if he really wants to expand their bond, extend a little trust and leave the two of them together for an hour (make sure she's fed first). Then make it two. Don't go far and be on call but let them work it out, and I think it will work out. Good luck to all three of you :-)

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" - Dr. Seuss
Jaesun's Dad is offline  
#9 of 14 Old 07-09-2010, 07:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
alannanoelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 17
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad View Post
(unsolicited male perspective)

He's her dad, not a babysitter, right? anyway ..... I digress ..
I know...I thought twice before typing it, but since I was typing one-handed it was faster than typing several words.

Thanks for your input. I will encourage him to continue spending time with her and trying to work things out! I hope I can convince him that cosleeping isn't the problem. I'm sure he'll come around once she starts warming up to him again!

Mommy to Samantha 5/6/10
Co-sleeping / Breastfeeding / Cloth Diapering
alannanoelle is offline  
#10 of 14 Old 07-10-2010, 08:46 AM
 
Nazsmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the vine
Posts: 2,478
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
She is 9 weeks old maybe 10 now? Time is what you need. Time to get to know her. Time for your husband to get to know her. Time for her to get to know your husband.

Co-sleeping is one of the best things that you can do. It helps you get sleep. It will help will b/f. In time it will help yur husband too.

So just tatke time. There is a whole baby to get to know.
Nazsmum is online now  
#11 of 14 Old 07-10-2010, 10:52 AM
 
ThankfulMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 293
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to chime in. We also had great success with DH using the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques and I highly recommend them. He was better at it than I was and it made him feel like he had that extra special something too. We also cosleep and I think it has brought DH and DD closer. She sleeps between us and will reach back to touch his face while she nurses. So sweet.

Me and DH, parents to:

DD1 (06/09), Twin DD2 and DS1 (born 3/12- 6 weeks early due to IUGR)

ThankfulMama is offline  
#12 of 14 Old 07-10-2010, 11:47 AM
 
MonP'titBoudain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,249
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad View Post
He should suck it up and spend some 1:1 time with her.

....edited down......

You daughter loves her daddy too, she's very young and they have to just learn to interact together in a way that makes them both happy and content. I truly do not believe that co-sleeping is the issue in your situation, but rather one of comfort. Mostly the comfort your husband has with his child. The only way to work on that is to throw the two of them together and let them work it out.

Nine weeks is still very young but I think the right approach is not to have them avoid each other. He does need to figure it out. If he just puts her in a crib (not an option for me, we don't own one) then he's not trying enough but if he really wants to expand their bond, extend a little trust and leave the two of them together for an hour (make sure she's fed first). Then make it two. Don't go far and be on call but let them work it out, and I think it will work out. Good luck to all three of you :-)
Absolutely! I really believe that the best thing you can do for your dd and dp's relationship is to step back and let them get to know each other. I speak from the experience of having had a really hard time doing exactly that. BUT... I was forced to stop "rescuing" them and dh was forced to figure it out and he now has a great relationship with both of our kids.

Before you plot your escape, however, maybe you can get the Happiest Baby on the Block dvd (my dh is a slow reader and would much prefer a dvd to a book) or maybe make a check list of "try this..." solutions to fussiness. After all, you have done lot's of reading and hands-on studying to learn techniques for caring for a baby and odds are that your partner hasn't done that. My dh, for example, had never held a newborn before our ds was born and had barely any idea of what was normal for infants. So, talk together and spend some time helping him find resources for learning, but resist the temptation to step in as he learns his own language and ways of caring for your dd.

Good luck! And rest easy, this is a very common hiccup in the early weeks/months of child-rearing! You guys will figure it out!

me, wife to dh, the movie geek (7/01), mama to ds1, budding Star Wars geek (10/05), dd, budding princess of the dirt (03/08) and ds2, budding extrovert. watch out! (8/10).
MonP'titBoudain is offline  
#13 of 14 Old 07-10-2010, 07:35 PM
 
BeanyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Posts: 1,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's absolutely her very wee age When she's a toddler, she'll be his bestie I would wager!

Mama to four ('03, '05, '08 & '11) chicken3.gif
BeanyMama is offline  
#14 of 14 Old 07-10-2010, 07:57 PM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,706
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 15 Post(s)
I think you should give him a list of some things he could do to soothe her (sing, walk, pat her back, rock, try a different hold, put her in a stroller or carrier and go out for a walk, carry her in a carrier inside, sway from side to side, bend knees up and down while holding, etc...) and let him build a relationship with her on his terms. I used to make my ex do this while I took a long shower every night, after one of her long nursing sessions, and it did wonders for their relationship. He was great with her once he got into the swing of things. They were very very close and connected until he was deployed. This may seem surprising, but many people don't naturally know what to do with babies and it takes a while for them to figure it out. I had a lot of baby experience and even I was surprised by how different having a baby was from babysitting, it took me a couple weeks to start understanding what my baby needed and to come up with things that worked for me and my baby when she was fussy. I think the best thing I did for my dd's father was to give him the same chance and not allowing him to come get me after two minutes of trying one thing to soothe her. Going into the shower where I couldn't hear made this possible because once I knew what to do I would have jumped in and cut down his self confidence if he wasn't immediately effective.
One_Girl is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off