Would you do it? Send baby away for a full night? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's the history: dd is almost 11 months old. She's always been a terrible sleeper. Her naps are 30-40 minutes long and I'm suspecting she's phasing out the second nap. Even when she was tiny, she would only nap for an hour - tops. We started out co-sleeping at night, but the combination of me being a light sleeper and her using me as a human pacifier caused us to side-car the crib. She has white noise and blackout curtains. In order to get to sleep, I nurse her and then rock her. Then, when she's relaxed, I walk with her and then SLOWLY ease her into her crib. If it works, she'll sleep for about an hour and a half. Sometimes two hours. Then she's up about 4-5 times in a night. Sometimes she goes right back down but most of the time it takes about 30 minutes to an hour to get her relaxed and asleep enough to put down. I seriously get to the point sometimes where I can hardly stay upright because I'm so tired. If I try to bring her to bed, she decides it's "chatting time" and the only way to keep her quiet and laying down is if I keep a nipple in her mouth.

I don't think I've slept for more than three hours at a time in 10 months.

Anyway, here's the question: at times, my mom has offered to take her overnight just to get me some sleep. Each time, I've felt that it would result in torture for both of them. I don't know how my mom would calm her and I feel like she would just freak out the whole night. Also, i don't want her (the baby) to feel abandoned. She does still nurse at night, although it's barely nursing since she just sort of half-sucks for comfort.

I mentioned the sleep thing to my doc at dd's well-baby check up. My doc is VERY relaxed and has never pressured me regarding vax. She was really encouraging when dd had slow weight gain in the beginning and was really excited about my homebirths. I say all this so that you know that she's on the same page as I am. When I mentioned the sleep thing, she asked if my mom could take dd for a night. (She knows my mom.) I said I was concerned about dd screaming all night for her and she said "well she might, but she might not - she could react differently for another person." She said she knows my mom could handle it.

So then I was talking to Dp about it and I said something like "well it would be just to help me get a full night of sleep..." and as I said it, I literally teared up. I was tearing up over the prospect of actually getting a long stretch of sleep!!

So what would you do? I feel really sort of nervous about it, but I'm almost at my wit's end. I don't even know what my mom would do with her in order to calm her or to "break the wake-up habit." Let her cry? Rock her? Dunno...??

Mama to Maia (12/04), Nora (9/09), Sam (8/12) and Step-mama to Aidan (3/02) and Luci (10/04).

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#2 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:09 AM
 
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I'd say go for it. It really sounds like you need a night to just sleep--and your Mom sounds like she loves you and your DD enough to be the perfect person to take over night-time parenting for just a night.

Whenever I leave DD with my Mom, for an evening out now and then, she's always told me "Just go. The worst she can do is cry, and I'm right here with her." Let your mom take care of her baby by taking care of YOUR baby.

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#3 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:33 AM
 
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I agree. What is the worst case scenerio? She is with someone she knows and loves. If she can't sleep, well hell.. She can just stay up. It's grandmas house so things like that are okay. I doubt she would even cry much. If she wakes up and won't go back to sleep, your mom can bring her to get some water or for a walk around the house. Or just back to the living room to play.

She will be fine and you will be like a new mama! It's your mom that might need the next day off lol!

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#4 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:51 AM
 
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Is your mom able to get her to sleep during the day? I personally wouldn't do it, but my mom isn't able to get DD to sleep. I don't think one night at Grandma's is going to night wean/sleep train a 10 month old. I would clear up with mom if she'll leave her to cry or will stay up all night comforting if needed. That would be a horrible night for your baby doing extinction cio in a strange place.

Are you not able to nurse her to sleep in bed? Getting up 4-5 times a night would kill me too. IMO, night weaning with patting and comforting while laying next to her a la Jay Gordon method would be a better option if you're desperate (though he doesn't recommend his plan before 12mo).

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#5 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:57 AM
 
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sure. i work overnights
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#6 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 01:47 AM
 
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If my mom was close and could call me if DD was having a massive freak out for more than 15-20 minutes I'd do it. My MIL watched 12 m/o DD while we were at a wedding once and she slept better for my MIL than she ever had for me up to that point. We came back after everyone was asleep and when we woke up in the morning we realized that DD had woken up once at night (not 5-7 times to nurse) and had hardly cried before bed. Of course the next night when mommy was back to doing bedtime it was the normal wake up 5-7 times again

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#7 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:11 AM
 
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Saffrongirl---I can TOTALLY, TOTALLY relate. Your post sounds exactly like my daughter (same name, btw!). She's 2 1/2 now but seriously, I could have written your post. I am all for you getting a good night's rest, so I vote "yes" Let your mom take her for a night! She'll be with a loving grandmother who will do everything she can to comfort your baby. I know it probably won't feel right to you in the beginning, but hopefully you can relax after DD is gone and just get some sleep. Let us know how it goes!
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#8 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:21 AM
 
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Do it! It sounds like you really need the sleep and everyone will be happier. Including your kiddo--what's not to love about a night with grandma?
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#9 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by dachshund mom View Post
Is your mom able to get her to sleep during the day? I personally wouldn't do it, but my mom isn't able to get DD to sleep. I don't think one night at Grandma's is going to night wean/sleep train a 10 month old. I would clear up with mom if she'll leave her to cry or will stay up all night comforting if needed. That would be a horrible night for your baby doing extinction cio in a strange place.

Are you not able to nurse her to sleep in bed? Getting up 4-5 times a night would kill me too. IMO, night weaning with patting and comforting while laying next to her a la Jay Gordon method would be a better option if you're desperate (though he doesn't recommend his plan before 12mo).
Yeah, my mom offered to do two nights in a row, but maybe I should let go of the thought that she'll be sleep training dd and just focus more on the thought of getting sleep myself so that I can be better refreshed to sleep train dd myself. I just keep thinking of dd screaming and being SO stressed out and I don't know what my mom could do to make it better. Then again, my mom had four kids and we're all only mildly scarred so it'll probably be okay.

She won't nurse to sleep in bed. She'll lay beside me and nurse, but not to sleep. It's a social time for her and she just wants to nurse and then "chat." I can buy half an hour of "doze time" for myself by making her lie beside me and nurse on both sides, but she never falls asleep.

luckymamaoftwo - how does your dd do now that she's 2.5? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

Mama to Maia (12/04), Nora (9/09), Sam (8/12) and Step-mama to Aidan (3/02) and Luci (10/04).

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#10 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 12:31 PM
 
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I'd do it. My sister has offered with my kids before. I never quite got there, but I probably should have. I trust my sister and know that my baby would be fine with her.

Your body needs sleep. I think you should go for it.

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#11 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 01:04 PM
 
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I'd want to be sure she just wouldn't let her cry and that I couldn't get that same sleep by having DH take over for a night. I don't think there's anything wrong with it but I probably couldn't do it!

Definitely though make a plan for change! Maybe your DP could take over? Maybe nightwean totally?

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#12 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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Does she take a bottle? She must, or you wouldn't even be considering it, right? My DD is 11 months but she has never taken a bottle in her life so I could never do this. I would just make sure your mom is not planning to let her CIO. You know your mom and if she is planning to sit up all night comforting a crying baby if it comes to that so you can get some sleep, that's great, and you definitely need the sleep. I just know if it was MY mom, they would have the ulterior motive to let the baby CIO to "show" me that it's okay and that I'm spoiling her by cosleeping, etc., because they don't agree. My mom has told me that she let us CIO as babies and that she would just drop us in the crib, close the door, and go outside so that she didh't have to listen to us cry. Obviously we survived and aren't too scarred but I would never want that for my kids, even for one night.

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#13 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:32 PM
 
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is your dd used to going out with gma? and hanging out with her? if she is i would definitely give it a try. it would be fun for gma to try to - to see what works.

i dont have any family here but my dd wouldnt do it till she was 3 when she started spending overnights with her dad. it took her some nights to adjust when seh was brought back. but she settled in.

but at 11 months? no way on earth she would allow it.

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#14 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:41 PM
 
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Does your mom live close enough that if things got REALLY bad she could take your dd home to you? I think it's very unlikely that she would, but I think it would give you peace of mind to know that she COULD.

If your dd has a good relationship with your mom, I say go for it!

I remember having no clue how daycare would EVER get DD to sleep. She only sleeps on me, after all! But they manage. And they don't let her CIO. They just have a different routine.

I think you're more likely to get the sleep you need if she's at grandma's than if your DP takes over for the night. I think that if she's at your house your DD will expect you to be there. But in a different house, I bet things will go differently. And it may be that she'll eventually just get tired enough to sleep. You'd never find that out because you're sleep deprived and therefore in no state to stay up all night waiting for that to happen. But your mom might be able to do that.

But I agree with the PPs that you should talk to your mom and make sure she's not going to let her CIO. That if your DD screams all night that she'll be right there with her comforting her to the best of her ability.

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#15 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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I don't think I'd do it - and I do know what it is like to be woken up every couple hours all night long. When I was tandem nursing an infant and a toddler, I am sure I didn't sleep more than 2 hours straight on any given night - for a whole year. Plus the 2 years before that when my 3rd child was nursing all night long, and slept maybe an hour or two w/o needing the boob.

The thing is, like you've said, it won't cure her of night waking to be w/o you for one night. It will likely mean you can sleep 8 hours (except, I bet you will wake up thinking about her and wondering if she is crying for you). So, yeah - a night of sleep sounds great, but I don't personally think it will make a huge difference in how you feel considering the next night, your DD will be up frequently again.

I would worry about how your mom will soothe her back to sleep. Does she take a bottle okay? Is she really close to your mom and comfy enough with her that she won't freak out simply b/c she is away from home (and you) for a night? If there is any chance that your mom would let her cry for any amount of time - as in CIO - then, no, I absolutely wouldn't risk it. There is a chance your DD will sleep better since you aren't there where she can smell you and be easily awoken, but there is also a high probability that she will be super upset.

The thing is, even though you are exhausted and frustrated with your lack of sleep right now - this, too, will pass. They grow up so quickly, and 11 mos. old is really young, IMO. She will eventually sleep through the night (or at least, big chunks of it) and you will miss this time - I promise.

I guess if you knew for sure that your mom was willing to forgo sleep for the entire night if need be, and had a proven way to comfort your DD so she would get some rest and not be crying most of the night - then I'd say maybe it's worth considering (well, I probably wouldn't, unless it was on a need-to basis, like when I was hospitalized). If there is any chance your mom thinks she'll sleep-train her by letting her cry and detaching her from her mother, then I would really, really be hesitant to go through with it.

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#16 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does she take a bottle? She must, or you wouldn't even be considering it, right? My DD is 11 months but she has never taken a bottle in her life so I could never do this. I would just make sure your mom is not planning to let her CIO. You know your mom and if she is planning to sit up all night comforting a crying baby if it comes to that so you can get some sleep, that's great, and you definitely need the sleep. I just know if it was MY mom, they would have the ulterior motive to let the baby CIO to "show" me that it's okay and that I'm spoiling her by cosleeping, etc., because they don't agree. My mom has told me that she let us CIO as babies and that she would just drop us in the crib, close the door, and go outside so that she didh't have to listen to us cry. Obviously we survived and aren't too scarred but I would never want that for my kids, even for one night.
She won't take a bottle or pacifier. But she's barely nursing at night. Last night I only gave her the breast at 10:30 and then at 5AM and she was mad, but fine. So I don't think that would be a problem, other than her being mad.

My mom had three homebirths and still cosleeps from time to time with my 10 year old brother. I was the only one she let CIO and she acknowledges that she was young, I was her first and she just did what she was told to do. There are no ulterior motives - she would totally do exactly what I want her to do. We've been talking about this and she's aware that she would have to assume that she's getting basically get no sleep when dd is there.

I'm still on the fence - a night of sleep sounds blissful, but I think I'm going to see if my mom can even just watch the girls for a few hours so I can nap. :

Mama to Maia (12/04), Nora (9/09), Sam (8/12) and Step-mama to Aidan (3/02) and Luci (10/04).

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#17 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 02:49 PM
 
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I have a friend who went to a hotel all alone for one night as her birthday present so she could get some sleep. She is still talking all these years later about what a great gift it was. Sometimes a little recharge is exactly what a mom needs.
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#18 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 03:07 PM
 
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for me, no I wouldn't. But that is because I know I'd worry all night about how kiddo is doing so my sleep wouldn't be very good... and the next night when I lose sleep again because kiddo is back with me would feel even WORSE since I just got a full nights sleep, even if it was worry filled. Thats how I feel when kiddo was just starting to STTN. she would do it and the next night would frustrate me more than it did when she never STTN.

That is me though... I'm a tad odd. Plus, I can't be certain my mom wouldn't at least do a little bit of CIO.
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#19 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 03:13 PM
 
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i dont think i could ever do that... but i personally have a reasonably ok time not getting sleep.

i dont think ive gotten more than four consecutive hours sleep in over 5 years. but i am not that light of a sleeper and am ok with nursing all night.

i would not be able to sleep knowing my babe was possibly crying in someones arms in another house. that would be really hard on me.

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#20 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 03:17 PM
 
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She won't take a bottle or pacifier. But she's barely nursing at night. Last night I only gave her the breast at 10:30 and then at 5AM and she was mad, but fine. So I don't think that would be a problem, other than her being mad.

My mom had three homebirths and still cosleeps from time to time with my 10 year old brother. I was the only one she let CIO and she acknowledges that she was young, I was her first and she just did what she was told to do. There are no ulterior motives - she would totally do exactly what I want her to do. We've been talking about this and she's aware that she would have to assume that she's getting basically get no sleep when dd is there.

I'm still on the fence - a night of sleep sounds blissful, but I think I'm going to see if my mom can even just watch the girls for a few hours so I can nap. :
Your mom sounds awesome!

Mama to 2 sweet gorgeous children, a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD.
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#21 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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Could your mom take her out for 4-5 hours during the day so you could have a long nap? At 11 months she should be able to be without nursing for that long (I am assuming she could take some kind of solids) especially if she is busy (park, zoo, mall, etc). Maybe just doing that a few times would help.

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#22 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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I wouldn't and I've been there. My second child nursed at least every 45 minutes around the clock. When she was 18 months old, she finally gave me one 3 hour stretch a night. It was so wonderful.

If you want to see if your mother can help, I woudl recommend taht she spend the night at your house. That way, if she can't soother your daughter, you will be right there.

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#23 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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I wouldn't, because I wouldn't get any sleep anyway. I'd just be worried about my kid. I feel your pain though, my DS was exactly like yours for the first year or so. But he really did need to nurse at night & was (still is) super attached to me & I know would've cried the whole time just because he wasn't near me. So it wasn't even a serious option for me (though I'd jokingly entertained the though of going to a hotel & leaving him with DH for a night!)

But if you trust your mom & feel confident that your baby will be OK without nursing for that long a stretch, AND you think you'd actually be able to sleep, then go for it. Or maybe you can find some middle ground -- she could watch the baby on another floor of your house & only bring her to you if she really needs to nurse or something, or she could take her during the day...

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#24 of 43 Old 08-24-2010, 11:24 PM
 
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Yes, based on the situation you described I would do it- especially because it is with your mom.
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#25 of 43 Old 08-25-2010, 12:12 AM
 
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I couldn't do it. I had the terrible sleeper who slept in 20 to 40 minute chunks for weeks on end. I was beaten and just a mess but I couldn't let go. I probably should have. She's a great sleeper now...at 4.5 but she'll probably be an only because I can NOT live through that again.

That said, your mom sounds great, could you not both go spend the night? You could let your mom get up with her, but you would be there in the house. Would that work?

Several times, various aunts, SILs and cousins came and stayed with us so I could sleep. They got up with DD in the night and left as soon as possible in the morning to go home and get some rest! It helped in that I got a break for a whole night, I didn't have to worry that if something happened I would be far away (she was famous for projectile vomiting in the middle of the night. Multiple times. People unused to this kind of thing do not typically react well), and they could see up close and personal that I wasn't making it up and if one night is that hard, no wonder I was so worn out all the time.
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#26 of 43 Old 08-25-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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I would go for it.

Sleep is not an amusing hobby that one had before becoming a mom. It's not like shopping for pretty shoes or spending money on concerts.

Sleep is a neurological, psychological and physical necessity. Sometimes, I think moms here forget that.
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#27 of 43 Old 08-25-2010, 10:42 AM
 
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I would go for it.

Sleep is not an amusing hobby that one had before becoming a mom. It's not like shopping for pretty shoes or spending money on concerts.

Sleep is a neurological, psychological and physical necessity. Sometimes, I think moms here forget that.
This.

I believe that people react differently to sleep deprivation. I also believe that you don't truly have a good grasp on just how badly sleep deprivation may be affecting you until you are on the other side of it, kwim?
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#28 of 43 Old 08-25-2010, 11:52 AM
 
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I personally could not do it.

I too have the same situation, my Son is 13 months but only wakes 2 times a night to nurse.

I agree your Mom sounds awesome (can I borrow her?)! My Mom looks at me like I am a crazy hippie because of our homebirth. I shave!

IMHO, I don't think I could sleep knowing that she may be crying for you. She may be just fine, the unknown would keep me awake! I do acknowledge other Mom's here that say do it, she will be comforted by your Mom and I'm sure she would be. I may need to take the same advice from wiser Mamas here! In my own time.

Follow your gut!

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#29 of 43 Old 08-25-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by saffrongirl View Post
Yeah, my mom offered to do two nights in a row, but maybe I should let go of the thought that she'll be sleep training dd and just focus more on the thought of getting sleep myself so that I can be better refreshed to sleep train dd myself. I just keep thinking of dd screaming and being SO stressed out and I don't know what my mom could do to make it better. Then again, my mom had four kids and we're all only mildly scarred so it'll probably be okay.

She won't nurse to sleep in bed. She'll lay beside me and nurse, but not to sleep. It's a social time for her and she just wants to nurse and then "chat." I can buy half an hour of "doze time" for myself by making her lie beside me and nurse on both sides, but she never falls asleep.

luckymamaoftwo - how does your dd do now that she's 2.5? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Please don't sleep train your DD. Please don't let anyone else do it either.

I've been there with 2 kids who didn't sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time for 18 months. Deciding to stop meeting their needs isn't the answer. Sleep training is never appropriate or the right answer.

If your mother will comfort your DD and is willing to spend the night up with her, then go for it and get some sleep. If your mother is just going to neglect her and let her scream in a crib, then your DD deserves better than that.
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Originally Posted by Hannah32 View Post
I would go for it.

Sleep is not an amusing hobby that one had before becoming a mom. It's not like shopping for pretty shoes or spending money on concerts.

Sleep is a neurological, psychological and physical necessity. Sometimes, I think moms here forget that.
I think that you're forgetting that for the history of man people have co-slept and dealt with sleep deprivation. The body adjusts. The idea of getting 8 solid hours at night is a first world ideal with isn't actually very biologically normal.
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