"cosleeping during the whole first year is detremental" - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 10-07-2010, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi- I just need to vent about an argument dh and i got into last night about cosleeping.

last night dh says "we should put her in the bassinet tonight", and i said, she's out grown it, that's why we need to get her the crib (mostly for safer napping during the day so i can get stuff done. I asked him why he wants her in the bassinet and he says he's talked to like 9 experienced mothers( ie his own mother and possibly aunt) and they say that it is detremental to have your baby in bed with you for the first year. And so I say, actually that's not true and research has shown that it is actually a good thing for babies. And he rolls his eyes about "research", but listening to research is better than basing your opinions on what your mother and aunt say you should do. And his mother is from the formula feed, CIO generation of parenting, small town, and not very educated. It was so frustrating. And he then, I think since he sensed that I actually knew what I was talking about he stomps of with a " I guess i won't get to make any parenting decisions then..." and then won't talk about it anymore. My feeling is if you are going to base your parenting decisions based on what your mother says, then no, you won't get to make decisions because those decisions will not be what has been shown to be the best from our daughter. uh it made me so mad.

its bad enough that you have to spend energy defending breastfeeding and cosleeping in society and have people try and tell you how you are damaging your kids, but when you get the kind of crap in your own home it is so enraging.

thanks for letting me vent.
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#2 of 11 Old 10-07-2010, 10:50 AM
 
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Is he usually like that when you disagree? If not then he may have just been wanting to be in the bed alone with you for other... ummm... more intimate reasons. If that is the case he may be experiencing feelings of guilt and confusion if he just flat out has to ask for it. Some guys act uncomfortable about that.

Otherwise, yeah, he was being a jerk.

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#3 of 11 Old 10-07-2010, 10:53 AM
 
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Sorry you are encountering resistance. The obvious temper tantrum was quite funny the way you described it though.

Maybe you and your husband could talk about WHY he would like your child in another bed? And no, because his mother said so doesn't count. There are likely issues underlying the tension around having the child in your bed. Does he feel like you and he aren't as intimate as he would like? (Just throwing things out here, don't feel like you have to respond). Is he concerned for her safety? Is he worried that the baby will NEVER move to her own room/that the transition needs to happen sooner rather than later? I would say work to find what the issue(s) really is for him, and then find solutions to the actual problem.
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#4 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 12:46 AM
 
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I can say, as a father, sometimes we feel out of control over any decisions about our family life and decisions about babies. Maybe we do get to make decisions about older children. But the reality is, when it comes to babies the mother usually gets to make the majority of the decisions. Sure, maybe the father gets to make some decisions...when they are in agreement with the mother. But when a disagreement happens the mothers decision usually trumps the fathers.

And even without that. Just by the fact that the mother nurtures the baby from conception to weaning, fathers can feel very out of control about decisions.

He probably is afraid of having a child sleep in the family bed for years, or never being able to self sooth, or never being able to have the bed back and be intimate. He may also be somewhat fearful that he may roll on the baby, or the baby will disturb his sleep more than if baby was in it's own bed. It's possible that his mother has put these fears into his head because she isn't pro co-sleeping.

Also, taking the word of his mother and aunts may be easier for him than the word of experts he doesn't know. And if you are first time parents, he may not trust his own or your judgment on the matter either. As parents we always are second guessing the decisions we are making and wondering if we are setting ourselves up for harder times in the future.

I agree with the PP's that you may want to dig deeper and figure out the reasoning behind the fear/want of co-sleeping. Also maybe telling him that you want decisions to be based on what is good for the family and that as a team you will decide what is good for the family. Then show him some of the research and facts about co-sleeping creating security and not hindering independence and how it is healthy for a baby.

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#5 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 12:53 AM
 
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I would ask him who he wants to be married to, his mother or you. He needs to stop discussing your parenting decisions with others. This is going to cause you bigger and bigger problems. Next it will be when to turn the car seat FF, when to stop breastfeeding, where to send her to school, etc etc etc. I am serious. You need to take a hardline on this now and make it clear that the 2 of you are parents and you will not tolerate him going behind your back and gossiping and undermining you and discussing family business with his mother. I know this sounds like strong language to use, but you need to use it. He is gossiping when he goes to his mother on this. Plus, he is undermine your marriage, your parenting, and so on.

Good luck! Don't postpone this. You need to stand up for yourself and your marriage before it gets worse. I know it does not seem like that big of a thing but it is. Think about it. He had some conversation behind your back, with his mother and whomever else, about you and how you are parenting and decided to come back and try to inform you how right they are and how wrong you are and pick an argument based on what they said. He never should have discussed this behind you back. And decisions you two make as a couple should never leave the two of you. It is no one else's business.

Oh, LOL..I have an idea...take a poll here of how many people find cosleeping safe. Then go back and tell him X number of experienced mothers that you consulted with find cosleeping safe. Then tell him you also discussed your sex life with your mother while you were at it and she has some suggestions for him. See how he likes it.
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#6 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 12:55 AM
 
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Also, for what it's worth, I was not very pro co-sleeping. I agree with the fact that it is good for the baby and good for us to have the baby there throughout the night. Our daughter is 15 months old and has co-slept since day 1. She doesn't even have a room. But I didn't and don't always love having her in the bed with us.

I don't sleep as well when she is there all the time. I am a light sleeper. And although I like to cuddle, when it is time to sleep I like my own space. I also always worried that I would disturb the baby and wake her if I moved too much. So I never got into a deep enough sleep. I was always conscious of her in the bed.

The way we fixed this was to get a co-sleeper and then move to a side carred crib. Now our DD spends about half the night in bed with us. Some nights she is there all the night. She starts off on her mattress and is within arms reach of my wife when she wakes to nurse. My wife can still tend to her without having to get up. If the baby wakes she just reaches out and pulls baby into bed with us. The baby latches on and they go back to sleep. Sometimes she spends the rest of the night in bed with us and sometimes my wife slides her back over onto her mattress. If she is all over the bed and disturbing our/my sleep we can put her back on her mattress and get on with the night.

Maybe try compromising. A co-sleeper or side car crib will give your baby the benefits of co-sleeping and still give your DH the benefits of having his space. Everyone wins.
If his fear is creating dependence, then you may have to show him some research that shows that a baby who always has it's needs met will grow into a secure and independent child. That it doesn't spoil a baby. And then give him ideas in how to fend off the badgering mother.

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#7 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 01:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by colsxjack View Post
Also, for what it's worth, I was not very pro co-sleeping. I agree with the fact that it is good for the baby and good for us to have the baby there throughout the night. Our daughter is 15 months old and has co-slept since day 1. She doesn't even have a room. But I didn't and don't always love having her in the bed with us.

I don't sleep as well when she is there all the time. I am a light sleeper. And although I like to cuddle, when it is time to sleep I like my own space. I also always worried that I would disturb the baby and wake her if I moved too much. So I never got into a deep enough sleep. I was always conscious of her in the bed.

The way we fixed this was to get a co-sleeper and then move to a side carred crib. Now our DD spends about half the night in bed with us. Some nights she is there all the night. She starts off on her mattress and is within arms reach of my wife when she wakes to nurse. My wife can still tend to her without having to get up. If the baby wakes she just reaches out and pulls baby into bed with us. The baby latches on and they go back to sleep. Sometimes she spends the rest of the night in bed with us and sometimes my wife slides her back over onto her mattress. If she is all over the bed and disturbing our/my sleep we can put her back on her mattress and get on with the night.

Maybe try compromising. A co-sleeper or side car crib will give your baby the benefits of co-sleeping and still give your DH the benefits of having his space. Everyone wins.
If his fear is creating dependence, then you may have to show him some research that shows that a baby who always has it's needs met will grow into a secure and independent child. That it doesn't spoil a baby. And then give him ideas in how to fend off the badgering mother.
I totally agree with this! It took us 12 mos. to figure out that a side-carred crib was awesome and gave everyone space to move around without disturbing others. I don't know why we didn't think about doing it sooner instead of just leaving the empty crib in the other bedroom.

Have an in-depth discussion once you are both calm and rational. My husband early on felt like he wasn't able to have an opinion or make a decision regarding our child(ren). However, after much discussion, he realized that if he wanted to really parent and make thorough, good decisions, he needed to research topics (like I do) and not just get opinions from other parents who do not feel/parent the same way we do/wanted to. It is much better now - thorough, calm discussion, allowing each person to say his/her full piece, is really the way to go!

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#8 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for the responses. In the beginning he was pro cosleeping, and even told me how much he loved having her in bed with us. But I think that one to many talks with his mother has gotten into his head. We're going to talk about it more on the weekend and I'm going to remind him of why exactly cosleeping is working so well for us. His main argument (and his mothers) is that it will make her more dependent and that she will never learn to sleep on her own- which is not true. Also, he comes to bed, goes to sleep and then wakes up in the morning and goes to work (he works long hours and is completely exhausted by the time he comes home)-he does not get up with her during he night at all. Which I don't mind at all really because my DD only stirs to nurse and he can't really help with that part:-) I don't think he even realises just how much more work and how much less sleep both me and my DD will get if I have to get up and get her up every time she needs to nurse. I am hoping that once I explain all this to him he will be back on the same page as me.

Its not as if I don't want her in her own bed. I myself have been craving a little more room and wanted to finally get a crib for this reason, so I could but it up against our bed and she could still have some space, but I could easily nurse her if need be. I want to make the transition to her own bed smooth, gradual and peaceful because I think that that is what is best for our little one. It don't hink that it needs to be this hard line type of thing.
I do not however want to put her in a crib now because his mother thinks cosleeping is detremental to our child. We are her parents, not his mother.

There are a lot of underlying issues I think that need to be aired out in terms of boundries, parental decisions and other peoples advice. But I need to plan it out because I tend to be quite a ferocious Mama Bear when it comes to my DD and some one attacking my parenting based on ridiculous advice and opinions.

I have to remember to be sensitive though because since DH works so much, I know that he struggles with feeling like he is not part of the parenting team and that he is not being a good enough father.

Hopefully I will find the right words and it will go well...
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#9 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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I know that he struggles with feeling like he is not part of the parenting team and that he is not being a good enough father.
mama this is HUGE!!! really. BIGGER than fighting over cosleeping. it really pains me to see how little dads get to contribute with babies even if they want to and dont quite know what to do.

i think THIS is the issue and cosleeping is just a symptom.

i would give your fierce mamabear a rest now. she is not needed here.

i think if you were able to figure out how to get your dh to contribute more he wouldnt be looking elsewhere for advice.

poor guy i am sure since he works such long hours he already feels he is missing out a lot in his child's life.

do you leave them alone and go get a break yourself? on dh's weekends would he like that?

does he have an evening routine with her. can he be there to give her a bath? maybe he does that already. but if you give him some 'caring' to do he wouldnt probably feel so useless (that is if you are NOT doing it).

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#10 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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poor guy i am sure since he works such long hours he already feels he is missing out a lot in his child's life.

do you leave them alone and go get a break yourself? on dh's weekends would he like that?

does he have an evening routine with her. can he be there to give her a bath? maybe he does that already. but if you give him some 'caring' to do he wouldnt probably feel so useless (that is if you are NOT doing it).

I try and give him the chance to be involved. I suggest that he can give her a bath- and since I know that he might not know what to do at first, then I would be there to help guide him while he gets comfortable. Honestly, I would love it if I could leave her with him for a little while, even 45 minutes, so I could just have some time alone and he could have some time with her, but usually after like 20 minutes, he calls for me to come take her because she is fussing, or he is too tired or whatever. What seems to be killing us right now is that his job is really stressful and he takes all the stress home with him (which is a totally different issue that we are currently working on and hopefully it will be resolved soon).

On the issue of cosleeping though, does anyone know what kind of crib I should be looking for so that I can put it right up against our mattress ( side car?). Can all cribs be used this way or only some?
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#11 of 11 Old 10-08-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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I know you say he is feeling like he is not a part of the parenting team, but his response is to lower your role as a mother by bringing his mother in. He is not increasing how much he is involved by allowing his mother to undermine what you are already doing. Do you see what I am saying? He is not speaking for himself, he is speaking for her. This does not make him more involved. I know what the thought process is. He feels if he makes a decision that is contrary to you or what you both have already been doing, then he can feel like he owns the decision and has done something. But it is a faulty thought process. Changing things is not the same as doing things. Plus, the decisions he wants are not his own, they are his mother's. I hope I am explaining this well.
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