Any witty comebacks? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-28-2004, 11:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
deleria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 1,046
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My partner and I are co-sleeping with our second son, who is now sixteen months. DS is also breastfeeding, often two or three times a night (I never keep track and frankly don't remember or care - I sleep through most of the feedings. Go bed-sharing!!).

The older he gets, the more comments we get. We didn't get as many with DS #1 (now seven). We were young parents who didn't know any other families, so it we just did what suited he and us with no questions asked. So of course, I know eventually our toddler will sleep in his own bed. I know that nursing through the night doesn't last forever and that he will wean. I know I will get more 'me' time eventually. This is such a short, but precious time in our lives.

The problem arises when people make rude comments. Friends who have 'sleep-trained' their infants (CIO) like to bring up how well their children sleep compared to mine. How they sleep through the night, aren't nursed to sleep, etc.

Then, non-breastfeeding friends will subtly throw in how 'inconvenient' it must be for me to have to nurse him at night. How they can hand their children over to a babysitter or relative without a second thought. Basically, it seems like they're trying to make me jealous.

I've been trying to let it all roll of my back, but some days it gets to be too much. Maybe I need new friends? :LOL I love nursing DS and I love sharing a bed with him. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. But the comments do get to me, because I feel as though they're said to hurt me. Does that make any sense?

One of my first posts nad it's a whiny one. Great. :

If you have any suggestions on what I can say (or at least say to myself), I'd love to hear them.

Thanks in advance!
deleria is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-29-2004, 12:56 AM
 
bennie'smama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: cah-lee-four-nee-uh
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
hi amanda,

i don't have any witty comebacks for you - sorry! but i just wanted to say that i know exactly what you're going through. my son is 10 months old, and we co-sleep. we LOVE it, and wouldn't have it any other way. i know of only one other set of parents who co-sleep -- i remember sitting through a conversation of acquaintances extolling the virtues of the ferber method, and how it worked wonders for their kids. one woman even said, 'yeah, it took 3 months of CIO, but she is such a good sleeper now!' - i almost died. in that situation, and in any others where people make comments about us co-sleeping, i just tell them how much we love sleeping as a family, we all sleep so well, and, as i said before, we wouldn't have it any other way. not as justification, more a point of pride. it's something that works for us; something we all enjoy.
bennie'smama is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 12:58 AM
 
ColesMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi deliria - I just got home from having dinner with a friend who is single and has no kids. She's obsessed with the fact that we cosleep with our 4 year old and 1 year old ds's. She thinks we're going to "screw them up" and wants to know what our plan is for getting them to sleep in their own beds.

I tell you this because I have come to a point with all this where I can simply smile at her and tune her out. I recommend just telling yourself that the comments the person is making really aren't personal - just a reflection of their own narrowmindedness. I don't care what my friend thinks and if she really wants to think about our sleeping arrangements that's too bad -- I'll continue to do what I think is best for our family.

So - no witty comebacks, but just a note that ignoring silly comparisons and comments as being totally irrelevant goes a long way towards piece of mind when you're with them!
ColesMom is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 01:19 AM
 
TeaBag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Growing Stronger Every Day :D
Posts: 3,541
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just ask them where they sleep best....somehow I always seem to get the "with my spouse/partner/etc" to which I say "Shouldn't an infant have the right to sleep with their favorite people in the world as well?" Usually shuts them up!
TeaBag is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 02:00 AM
 
bethwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Just say, How do our parenting choices have anything to do with you?

Or, Are you trying to make me jealous? It won't work, because I actually like cosleeping and nursing.

Or, You say tomato, I say tomahto.


--Beth
dd Annika 8.9.03
bethwl is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 02:44 AM
 
mama_o_sk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: ontario
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We've been co-sleeping for the last 2 1/2yrs (and also have a 3 1/2m.o.) and I can't see it any other way. I have learned to ignore those ignorant comments, although I will slip up and tell the unwanted advice giver where to go, every now and again.

Its funny...I also find that I am getting way more advice now that I have two kids than when it was just the one....did I forget stuff or just get stupid?

The way things work right now is that I don't bring the subject up, but whenever someone asks me how "they sleep through the night," I usually just tell them and wait for their head to spin around while their eyes pop out...everyone finds it so hard to believe that the girls sleep (for the most part) all night, every night. I am contemplating telling them that they now sleep with their eyes closed, or more far-fetched stuff. I am so tired of educating people, especially the ones that should know better than to ask me my opinions, just so they can try to convince me otherwise.:
mama_o_sk is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 10:11 AM
 
KarmaChameleon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: I come and go
Posts: 1,231
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have anything witty to say, but I always say something. I am not as good at tuning people out. Here are actual excerpts from actual conversations I've had, mostly with family members:

Them: I think babies should sleep in their own rooms in a crib.
Me: I think people should sleep wherever they sleep best. For us, it's all together in our bed. It's all about maximum sleep time.

Them: There is something very disturbing about a kid that old nursing.
Me: I guess it depends how you look at it. I think there is something very disturbing about a toddler with a bottle sticking out of its mouth.

Them: (my MIL, actually): I think couples should have a marital bed.
Me: Who needs a marital bed when you have a marital couch, a marital bathroom counter and a marital area rug?
(this conversation actually happened...ONCE!)

Them: Don't you ever get sick of having those kids in your bed?
Me: No, but sometimes I get sick of my husband being there.
OR
Me: Pretty soon they are going to want nothing to do with us and all I will have are these sweet memroies of holding them all night long.
KarmaChameleon is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 12:42 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: LOCATION, LOCATION
Posts: 5,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
"That sounds nice for you, but we actually WANTED a baby."


ooooooooooooo.........thats a good one!


I just ignore, unless theres time to explain my philosophies on raising kids. I find most of the comments come from those who have no children, so consider the source!

You know......when I had my first dc....I was 20 yrs old and cared what other people thought and really didnt have the confidence or knowledge about raising dc's. Now that Im older (40+) I really could care less what people think.....I know what Im doing and have the confidence......So it really doesnt bother me.

I think youve got a nice collection of comebacks though!
rainsmom is offline  
Old 03-29-2004, 07:53 PM
 
perditafoster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 694
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
deleria: if you move to Mississippi, we can be friends I've wanted to say this, but never have:

Them: Oh my god, you let your baby sleep with you? That's so dangerous! She could be smothered! And she'll sleep with you forever!
Mesaid with as much sarcasm as is humanly possible) Oh my god! You mean what I'm doing is dangerous? I never thought of that. Thank you so much you absolute genius! These past 13 months of her life have been lived incorrectly! What would I do without your contributions to my parenting? I tell you what, you must come to my house right now and instruct me on how to live a wholesome, safe, fulfilled life! Hurry, hurry! Come home with me now! I await your instruction, oh great sophist! I feel certain that the way I do other things is incorrect, too--how's my driving? how's my cooking? How's my entering and exiting the bathtub? Tell me, oh wise one, tell me!

I'd love to say something like that...but I"m a chicken. Seriously, I get crap like that all the time. I try to educate the naysayer if I thin they'll listen. If not, I just change the subject!

Perdita, wife to J, mom to Bridget (6), Ivy (4) Trace (2) and Fiona, my 3rd vbac baby, born 12/2/09!
perditafoster is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 02:32 AM
 
ctdoula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: New England
Posts: 2,087
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
These are my favorite things to say when people poo-pah our co-sleeping (or even co-sleeping in general):

1. I'm actually hoping she never leaves... I'm hoping to get my masters degree for free when she goes to college.... kinda like a 2 for 1 deal.

2. Hmmm..... did you still sleep your parents bed in high school? Yeah, I didn't think so. :

and the one that shuts them up every time:

3. If anything was to ever happen to my (any) baby & they were to die of SIDS, wouldn't you rather know that they died cuddled up with the people that loved them the most, instead of cold an alone in a crib.

Amy
ctdoula is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 03:15 AM
 
ima062002's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 79
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When people try making others feel bad over a parenting decision (especially when it's about bf'ing or sleep issues), I always think that they are trying to deal with some guilt feelings on their part.

On co-sleeping I'd point out that all of human history, save the last couple of hundred years, parents shared beds with their children and that you just chose to go the natural way )).

On bf'ing I'd say something along the lines of being proud to providing the best possible nutrition and protection to your toddler.

If this is a recurrent thing with any of your friends I'd say something like: "this is not the first time that you've raised this issue. I/we are very happy with the parenting decision we've made and I would appreciate it very much if you could respect that and not raise this issue time and again".

Patricia
ima062002 is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 09:53 AM
 
KarmaChameleon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: I come and go
Posts: 1,231
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by ima062002
When people try making others feel bad over a parenting decision (especially when it's about bf'ing or sleep issues), I always think that they are trying to deal with some guilt feelings on their part.
Bingo.

I had a loooonnnngg talk with my MIL one night long ago, about 3 months into my first daughter's life. She had (subtly) bashed co-sleeping so often and with such conviction that I sort of had a sit down with her.

It took a long time, but ultimately she admitted that if she were to accept co-sleeping as the best thing to do for a child, she would then have to live with the guilt of not having done it for her three kids.

She has never had such a moment of vulnerability in my presence since. She is a very hardheaded woman who gives nothing by way of emotions (unless it's to make her kids guilty and then it's crocodile tears and choking sobs, but that is another thread for another time...).
KarmaChameleon is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 11:51 AM
 
Maggie05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We co sleep. Most of the time people don't ask much detail. What I get is, "How does he sleep?" I reply, "He sleeps fine." because for my husband and me, it is fine that he sleeps in our bed and nurses a few times a night. Then the conversation ends. I don't offer up any more info, unless I feel it might help another new parent make a decision about their own child, like if they ask my advice. There is no need for my sister in law or whomever to know about our sleeping habits. I don't ask about theirs!
Maggie05 is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 12:21 PM
 
organicbanana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: heartattack and vine
Posts: 960
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
we have a friend who has some um... interseting perspective on parenting & cio, etc. & his dd is the same age as ours.
one night he made a comment to me about our dd cosleeping - and how it wasn't 'good for her' to spend the night in 'our' bed.
so i told him:
"you know, little girls who don't get enough attachment and affection at home go looking for it later - i'd rather it be in our bed now, than in some stranger's as an adolescent..."
that shut him up.
organicbanana is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 12:47 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: LOCATION, LOCATION
Posts: 5,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
you know, little girls who don't get enough attachment and affection at home go looking for it later - i'd rather it be in our bed now, than in some stranger's as an adolescent..."
that shut him up.

That was a good one organicbanana!!
rainsmom is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 11:11 PM
 
Island Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe there's something to that argument that they feel guilty, because I never feel any need to correct someone who chooses to parent their child differently that I do.
Island Mommy is offline  
Old 03-31-2004, 11:21 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: LOCATION, LOCATION
Posts: 5,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I know Island Mommy.......I may correct them in my mind........but then I remember that she's doing the best she can and what works for the dynamics of that family, that child, that moment......... We really have NO IDEA what its like for them behind closed doors....... I would never presume to know whats the best course for them.
rainsmom is offline  
Old 04-01-2004, 03:09 AM
 
Selissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: springfield mo
Posts: 1,631
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
RE: the "inconvienence" of breastfeeding...

I always just say "really i always thought bottles were inconvienent. all that getting up to mix and warm a bottle just seems like so much work"

or
"I'm afraid of the dark and the idea of getting out of bed in the middle of the night, stumbling down a dark hallway, half asleep, stubbing my toes on everything so i can mix a bottle gives me the eebie jeebies"

or something to that effect
Selissa is offline  
Old 04-01-2004, 03:42 PM
 
Sustainer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: upstate NY
Posts: 10,340
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by KarmaChameleon
Them: (my MIL, actually): I think couples should have a marital bed.
Me: Who needs a marital bed when you have a marital couch, a marital bathroom counter and a marital area rug?
I love this one! I especially love that it was your MIL!

Quote:
Originally posted by KarmaChameleon
Them: Don't you ever get sick of having those kids in your bed?
Me: No, but sometimes I get sick of my husband being there.
I wish this one had been said to your MIL, too! (It wasn't, was it?) That would be priceless!

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

Sustainer is offline  
Old 04-02-2004, 10:40 PM
 
Raven's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
Posts: 10,815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:LOL I am LMAO at organicbanana's one!

dont have any witty comebacks either I'm afraid but I do know how you feel.
Raven is offline  
Old 04-03-2004, 02:21 PM
 
myniyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: sweatville, USA
Posts: 282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I get this sometimes too. I usually just treat the person like they're nuts. You know, "why on earth would anyone do it *that* way??" My usual comeback is that I don't think children are meant to be convenient. Why brush off her needs? She'll grow up all too soon and if I only parent her when it is convenient to me, what will our relationship be like when she's older?
myniyer is offline  
Old 04-05-2004, 12:44 PM
 
BAU3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Adirondacks
Posts: 961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Some of my thoughts on cosleeping:

What other spcies do you know that forcefully places thier young far away from them to sleep... preferably with barriers between them(i.e. doors)...wierd.

if your house were to catch on fire.. would you truely want your small children far wawy from you?

As far as being "independant"......what???

I have two extremely well adjusted boys.. and a 4 mo baby... all who still cosleep... my 5 yo is a secure, well adjusted boy who spends the night at other kids houses..etc... I have never had seperation issues.. 3 yo is also independant and wel adjusted..

I actually find myself telling people that we co sleep everytime they ask how the baby sleeps..... I look them directly in the eye and welcome any comments?questions anyone may have. There are a suprising number of people who "admit" (like its a dirty little secret) that they have/do co sleep as well. I encourage it and am proud of it. Don't treat it like you have to defend it. The majority of people in the world co sleep... We happen to live in a country in the minority...
BAU3 is offline  
Old 04-07-2004, 02:20 PM
 
rumi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: gmt+5
Posts: 1,365
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
though i really try to stay out of these discussions unless specificaly asked, in the park the other day some moms were bringing up the bogey of "but if we let them sleep with us they will never leave ..." and i couldn't help but say, "come on, would you like to sleep with your mom?"

r

no longer  or  or ... dd is going on 12 (!) how was I to know there was a homeschool going on?
rumi is offline  
Old 04-07-2004, 03:04 PM
 
sofiabugmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sofia, Bulgaria
Posts: 786
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't guess it's really witty, but my response is usually something like "Hey, whatever works for all three of us to get some sleep is what we'll do."

Maybe they're jealous of how happy you all are!

Best,

JA
sofiabugmom is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off